Thursday, July 28, 2005        Edition: #3082
Good Morning, Sheetheads!

TODAY a collection of John Lennon memorabilia, including an oil painting from his student days, a handwritten “All You Need Is Love” manuscript & a bedspread from his ‘bed-in’ for peace with Yoko in Montréal, goes under the gavel at The Hippodrome nightclub in London . . . TONIGHT producer David E Kelley (“Ally McBeal”, “The Practice”) unveils his first reality show on NBC-TV, “The Law Firm”, about 12 lawyers trying real cases while competing for a $250,000 prize . . . TONIGHT through Saturday,  ESPN airs “The US Open of Competitive Eating”, a one-on-one elimination tournament featuring 32 expert eaters including #1-ranked Takeru Kobayashi of Japan and #2-ranked Sonya ‘The Black Widow’ Thomas of Alexandria VA . . . Veteran ABC-TV sportscaster Al Michaels will team with ex-NFL QB Joe Theismann for ESPN’s “Monday Night Football” THIS FALL . . . Thanks to being pregnant in real-life with Ben Affleck’s baby, Jennifer Garner’s ‘Sydney Bristow’ character on “Alias” will be expecting a child THIS FALL with Michael Vartan’s character ‘Vaughn’ (it was either that or shoot her from the neck up all season) . . . A US federal judge has ordered OJ Simpson to pay $25,000 in damages for pirating DirecTV . . . The US Federal Trade Commission will conduct an investigation to determine if Rockstar Games purposely hid sexually explicit content in the video game “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” (well duh – would it be an accident?) . . . Tom Cruise has reportedly refused to appear on “The Simpsons” because he thinks it’s too violent but will appear with Katie Holmes in an episode of “Will & Grace” NEXT SEASON . . . “Fantastic Four” actress Jessica Alba says she was an ugly duckling as a teen who battled an eating disorder, obsessive compulsive behavior, anxiety attacks & insomnia . . . “In Touch Weekly” reports that “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria has received a 4-plus carat diamond ring from her NBA player boyfriend Tony Parker and is ‘mulling the offer’ . . . Meantime, “Desperate Housewives” writer-producer Marc Cherry has reportedly offered his feuding cast a luxury weekend together in Palm Springs CA, hoping they’ll patch up differences before shooting starts on the new season (or at least create new friction to work off of).

• Garbage – TONIGHT they’re on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Madonna – The first single from her new studio album “Confessions on a Dancefloor” will be called “Hung Up”.
• Our Lady Peace – TODAY they’re on MuchMusic’s “Much On Demand” at 5 pm ET.     
• Rolling Stones – Their first studio album in 8 years will be titled “A Bigger Bang” and released SEPTEMBER 6th.
• Tim McGraw – He’s become the first country artist to sell out the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles. All 18,000 tickets for the OCTOBER 8th show are gone, 14,000 of them within the first 30 minutes.

The Canadian Union of Postal Workers has expressed concern that a feature film version of the TV show “Trailer Park Boys” (now in production in Nova Scotia) includes a character dressed as a letter carrier, something they say ‘cheapens their official uniform’ (ours wears shorts & a T-shirt – what about yours?) . . . Jodie Foster has signed on to direct “Sugar Kings”, a drama about a young female attorney who champions the cause of migrant farm workers who are exploited for profit . . . “Desperate Housewives” actress Nicolette Sheridan has joined the cast of the comedy “The Cleaner”, which stars Cedric the Entertainer as an amnesiac janitor who thinks he’s an undercover agent . . . Robert De Niro has visited President Leonel Fernandez of the Dominican Republic in preparation for “The Good Shepherd”, a new movie about the CIA which he will direct and star in . . . The special-effects wizards working on the ‘Harry Potter’ movies have to go through every frame – clearing up the teenage stars’ complexions . . . Tom Hanks, Nicolas Cage, Julia Roberts, Paul Giamatti, Meryl Streep & Lily Tomlin will provide the voices for the animated movie “The Ant Bully”, based on the book about a mischievous boy who floods an ant colony with his water pistol . . . Hanks will also play a Texas congressman with a penchant for booze & women in “Good Time Charlie” . . . And “Wedding Crashers” star Owen Wilson will next play an unemployed houseguest who moves in with newlyweds (Kate Hudson & Matt Dillon) then refuses to leave in “You, Me & Dupree” (could have called it “Wedding Crashers 2: The Marriage”).

Canada’s Border Services Agency reviews DVDs, videos, books, comics and other material to determine whether submitted items are suitable for admission into the country. Here are a few from the latest list of ‘Admissible & Prohibited Titles’ that were NOT allowed in …
• “Best of British Spanking 15″
• “Teenage Transsexual Nurses 4″
• “Bi Bi Daddy”
• “Virgin Kink 20″
• “Throat Gaggers #7″
• “Excruciatingly Euphoric Torment”
• “Dog Wedding”
• “George Spanks Sid, Ivan & John”
– “Smoking Gun”

• A 34-year-old German commuter tried to board a train at the last minute in Freiburg and got his hand stuck in the door. The train pulled away leaving the man in agony on the platform – and his severed finger inside the car! Horrified passengers quickly contacted police who retrieved the digit 40 miles down the line and reunited it with its owner. Doctors who reattached the finger say it’s likely the man will regain full use of it. (Hey it could have been worse, it might have been his … toe.)
• After Geauga County Sheriff’s Office received a raft of calls about a buggy playing loud music and stealing items from houses in a rural area of northeast Ohio, a 19-year-old Amish lad was arrested and charged with underage consumption of alcohol and theft. Among the stolen items found in his getaway buggy: flower pots and – house numbers. (He’ll likely be sentenced for 1 to 5.)
• A foul-mouthed parrot previously owned by a truck driver has been banished from public areas of the Warwickshire Animal Sanctuary in central England after repeatedly embarrassing its keepers. Barney, a 5-year-old Macaw, is now kept indoors after telling a visiting female mayor to “f— off” and then adding to a lady vicar: ‘And you can f— off as well’. (What a waste – this creature should be in parliament!)
• A man returning home in northern Serbia was shocked to find another man in his bed. Thinking it was a tramp or burglar, he tried to make the visitor leave but discovered he wasn’t well and couldn’t move. Eventually the truth came out – paramedics had accidentally taken a sick 77-year-old to the wrong address after hospital treatment. When nobody answered the door, they found a key under the mat and simply put the geezer to bed. (Let that be a lesson to you – always hide your key under a fake plastic rock.)

Cows are being kept in ‘bio-bubbles’ at the University of California so researchers can measure gases emitted through flatulence. The project will be used to help write the state’s first air quality regulations for dairies. It’s been estimated that an average herd of cows causes more pollution than a car, but researcher Frank Mitloehner believes the problem may be over-estimated. (Another addition for our list of world’s worst jobs … ‘Bovine Flatulence Measurer’.)
– Ananova

China has the world’s 2nd-largest online population after the USA, some 94 million Internet users. Perhaps that’s why it’s found it necessary to license its first clinic for Internet addiction in Beijing. About 2 dozen nurses and doctors care for the patients, mostly aged 14-to-24, who have lost sleep, weight and friends after countless hours in front of the computer. Some come voluntarily, while others are checked in by parents. They usually stay 10 to 15 days at $48 a day. That’s a high price in China, where the average city dweller’s income is just $20 a week.
– Associated Press

Philadelphia PA residents Herbert & Magda Brown have been named the ‘World’s Oldest Married Couple’ by the “Guinness Book of World Records”. He’s 105, she’s 100. Other couples have been married longer, and some married individuals are older but no known couple has a higher aggregate age than their 205 years.
– Reuters

• The average cost of a funeral in the US is $5,386, according to the National Funeral Directors Association.
• More US steel is used to make bottle caps than cars and trucks.
• 61% of Americans are overweight but almost none discuss it with their doctor, according to “Allure Magazine”.
• FDA regs allow for 225 insect fragments and/or 4.5 rodent hairs per package of uncooked macaroni.
• A Barna Research Group poll finds that 64% of Americans believe they’ll go to heaven.

• “What are your plans for sex tonight?”  – The (unsuccessful) pickup line actor Bruce Wills reportedly used on a college sophomore at the Tropicana bar in LA’s Roosevelt Hotel, according to “NY Post”.
• “I would give him some thugged-out braids, a wife-beater, a pair of jeans, and penny loafers.”  – Missy Elliott telling the AUGUST issue of “Spin” magazine how she’d give Michael Jackson an extreme makeover.


1945 [60] Jim Davis, Marian IN, really rich cartoonist (“Garfield”)

1945 [60] Rick Wright, London UK, classic rock musician (Pink Floyd-“Another Brick in the Wall”)/Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame (1996)

TODAY is “National Milk Chocolate Day”, an excuse for chocoholics everywhere to cow down!

TODAY is “Accountants Day”, honoring those people who seem to know the cost of everything but the value of nothing. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An auditor, on the other hand, is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

TODAY is “Drive-Thru Day”, saluting businesses that serve you while you’re in your vehicle. Of course there are drive-thru restaurants, banks, car washes & coffee shops, but what’s the weirdest ‘drive-thru’ service you’ve come across?

THIS WEEKEND is the annual “World Championship Bunnock Championship” in Macklin SK, ‘the Bunnock capital of the world’. The game involves attempting to knock down the opposition’s horse ankle bones with heavier horse bones called ‘throwers’. Some 320 teams will vie for over 30-grand in prizes. (Like maybe … the rest of the horse?)
PHONER: 306.753.2256 (Macklin Recreation & Tourism)

THIS WEEKEND is the 40th annual “National Ukrainian Festival” in Dauphin MB, a 3-day annual celebration of Ukrainian heritage. Activities include dance competitions, cultural pavilions and scrumptious food, along with the highlight – zabavas (parties!). This year’s entertainment includes Canada’s National Riding & Dancing Cossacks.
PHONER: 204.622.4600
THIS WEEKEND is the 40th annual “St Pierre-Jolys Frog Follies” (“Les Folies Grenouilles”) in St-Pierre-Jolys MB. It includes the Canadian Frog Jumping Competition as well as the local agricultural fair. Ain’t it interesting all the little French communities across this country outside of Québec?
PHONER: 204.433.3516 (Luc Peloquin)

SATURDAY the finals of the 68th annual “All-American Soap Box Derby World Championships” roll in Akron OH. Local winners representing 43 states and 3 foreign countries will compete.
PHONER: 330.733.8723

THIS WEEKEND is the annual “Great Texas Mosquito Festival” in Clute TX, home of the world’s largest mosquito, ‘Willie Man Chew’. Participants will put on their bug repellent and celebrate with a 5-K ‘mosquito chase’, the ‘Mr & Mrs Mosquito Legs Contest’ and a ‘mosquito-calling contest’. Ask for sound samples.
PHONER: 800.371.2971/979.265.8392 (Parks & Recreation Department)

THIS WEEKEND it’s  27th annual “Gilroy Garlic Festival” in Gilroy CA, highlighted by the ‘Garlic Queen Pageant’ (only beauty queen who really IS a virgin).
PHONER: 408.842.1625 (Festival Office)

1973 [32] 600,000 attend “Summer Jam” rock festival at Watkins Glen NY featuring the Grateful Dead, the Allman Bros & The Band 

1989 [16] Singer Anne Murray opens the “Anne Murray Centre” in her hometown of Springhill NS, packed with awards, photos & other career memorabilia

1786 [219] John Molson 1st announces he will begin a brewery in Montréal (what would he think of his heirs selling out to Coors?)

1900 [105] 1st ‘Hamburger’, according to some sources, is invented by Louis Lassing of New Haven CT (although the name comes from a sandwich popular in Hamburg, Germany)

1933 [72] 1st ‘Singing Telegram’ is delivered to singer Rudy Vallee on his 32nd birthday in NYC (now you can send balloon-a-grams, candygrams, cookie-grams, stripper-grams …)

1962 [43] Paul Henderson of Omaha NE survives a record 303 consecutive roller coaster rides

1979 [26] A cushioned egg dropped from the top of Toronto’s 1800-ft CN Tower lands unbroken

[Fri] Lasagna Day
[Fri] “Must Love Dogs”, “Sky High” & “Stealth” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Cheesecake Day
[Sat] 68th All-American Soap Box Derby (Akron OH)
[Sun] 2005 Baseball Hall of Fame Induction
[Sun] Mutts Day
This Week Is . . . Animal Agriculture Week
This Month Is . . . Women’s Motorcycle Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Today you will be mooned by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
• Taurus – It’s not the heat or the humidity, it’s the giant tapeworm in your colon that’s making you sweat.
• Gemini – Congratulations on that new Pentium 6 you just bought, despite the fact that they don’t exist yet.
• Cancer – Good day to avoid pickled herring.
• Leo – This week will bring tragedy when you find you can no longer get updates for your pirated copy of Microsoft Windows.
• Virgo – Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes and a brain the size of a pea.
• Libra – Today you will be struck by the notion that life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
• Scorpio – You’ve found something louder than the air-horn to blast at telemarketers. Unfortunately, keeping the jet engine running all the time eats up a lot of fuel.
• Sagittarius – Today you will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic or Corinthian.
• Capricorn – You will awake confused and sore after testing your homemade taser.
• Aquarius – Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
• Pisces – Today you will look a gift horse in the mouth. And, unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.

• “Are You in Love … Or Forcing It?” [“Cosmopolitan”]
• “The Worst Jeans of ‘05!” [“Glamour”]
• “5 Ways to Wear a Tank Top” [“Ladies’ Home Journal”]
• “Unleash Your Inner Sex Kitten” [“Redbook”]
• “Love Your Hair: 50 Tips to Make Yours Shine This Summer” [“Woman’s Day”]

• “How to Operate Your Man Machinery” [“Men’s Health”]
• “Sex, Sand & Swimsuits: Top 10 Hot Spots” [“Razor”]
• “Be a Man, Dammit!” [“Maxim”]
• “Fat & Proud: Meet the Big Men Who Are Gaining Weight & Getting Ahead” [“Details”]
• “Big Schlongs … And the Women Who Love Them” [“FHM”]

Today’s Question: Research shows that the more attractive a man is, the more likely he is to be successful at THIS
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Reproduction. (A study at the University of Valencia in Spain has found that the better looking a man is, the more healthy and successful his ‘swimmers’.)

Familiarity breeds contempt … and children.

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