Wednesday, July 27, 2005        Edition: #3081
Sheet For Brains!

TONIGHT Steven Bochco’s new series “Over There” debuts on FX, a fictional drama depicting the lives of US troops in Iraq (the first TV series ever about a war still being fought) . . . TONIGHT TLC joins INXS in looking for a stand-in for a deceased bandmate on a reality show as “R U the Girl with T-Boz & Chilli” debuts on UPN (another sad attempt to reclaim fame) . . . The controversial movie “Karla” (formerly titled “Deadly”), based on school girl killers Paul Bernardo & Karla Homolka, is now set to debut at the “Montréal World Film Festival” (AUGUST 26-September 5) . . . Cranbrook BC-born Broadway actor Brent Carver will play ‘Gandalf’ in the upcoming Toronto stage version of “The Lord of the Rings” (opening next MARCH) . . . Beginning next MARCH actress Jane Fonda will host a tour calling for an end to US military operations in Iraq, cris-crossing America in a bus that runs on ‘vegetable oil’ (she’s likely referring to ‘bio-diesel’) . . . The cast of the now-shooting “Survivor Guatemala” reportedly includes 47-year-old former NFL quarterback Gary Hogeboom and 2 former cast members – Stephenie LaGrossa & Bobby Jon Drinkard, both from “Survivor Palau” (production wraps AUGUST 10th) . . . Angelina Jolie’s ‘adoption adviser’ Dr Ron Federici says he wouldn’t be surprised if she adopts a 3rd baby, perhaps in Russia . . . Rumor has it that a rash on Katie Holmes’ mouth has been caused by a Scientology ritual in which vitamin B3 (niacin) is used in a purification process, however the cult church is denying any responsibility (is ‘niacin’ just another word for ‘herpes’?) . . . 33-year-old actor Jared Leto has reportedly dumped 19-year-old mini-mogul Ashley Olsen just a week into their summer fling (2 words – ‘high maintenance’) . . . And the video game rights to “American Idol” have been licensed to Konami Corp, but so far there’s no word on what form the game will take or when it’ll be released (although it’s rumored that pressing the arrow key up, up, then down, down will cause your character to boink Paula Abdul).

• Alanis Morissette – TONIGHT she’s on ABC-TV’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”.
• Doors – A Superior Court judge has issued a permanent injunction banning former members Ray Manzarek & Robby Krieger from using the group’s name and any likeness of late singer Jim Morrison to promote a new version of the band, which has been billing itself as ‘The Doors of the 21st Century’.
• Jack Johnson – TONIGHT he does the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Jessica Simpson – Her next movie will be called “Major Movie Star”, the story of an actress who has hit rock bottom and enlists in the marine reserve. Filming begins later THIS YEAR.
• P Diddy – He’s apparently changed his name yet again and now wants to be know simply as ‘Diddy’.
• Rolling Stones – Their new single “Streets of Love”/”Rough Justice” will be released AUGUST 22nd in the UK as a limited-edition, numbered CD and also on 7-inch vinyl. Both tracks will be included on the band’s as-yet-untitled studio album due in early SEPTEMBER.

Cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Rendition’ – A (formerly) secret weapon in the war on terror in which a suspect is tranquilized and flown to another country for questioning, often a nation where torture is condoned. In recent years, well over 100 people have disappeared or been ‘rendered’ around-the-world, many of them by CIA operatives.
• ‘Beam Me Up Scotty’ – An alcoholic shooter made from the liqueurs Bailey’s, Kahlua and Creme de Bananes that’s enjoyed a surge in popularity since “Star Trek’s” ‘Scotty’ (actor James Doohan) recently died.
• ‘Naco’ – Mexican slang for ‘tacky’ or ‘low-class’. But thanks to a new line of T-shirts, being naco is now cool. Signs of naco-ness – you applaud at the end of a movie; your ringtone is “La Cucaracha”; or perhaps you have lawn furniture in your living room.

THIS WEEK Microsoft Corp began requiring all customers coming to its Website for upgrades and other downloads to submit their computers to an electronic frisking. It’s a response to the problem of an estimated 100 million computers running pirated software. Now, before consumers can download Microsoft programs or upgrades, their machines are scanned for a variety of information, including product keys, software authorization codes, operating-system versions and details on the flow of data between the operating system and other hardware, such as printers. (Why should we trust Microsoft not to plant adware or other bugs?)
– “Globe & Mail”

2005’s most powerful people in pop music, as picked by a panel of 21 industry insiders …
1. Usher
2. Alicia Keys
3. Coldplay
4. Eminem
5. Beyoncé
6. Justin Timberlake
7. Outkast
8. 50 Cent
9. Kanye West
10. Dr Dre
– “LA Times”

Russia’s biggest spammer has been brutally murdered. 35-year-old Vardan Kushnir, notorious for sending spam to each and every citizen of Russia with access to e-mail, has been found dead in his Moscow apartment after suffering repeated blows to the head. Kushnir headed up several English language learning centers that are infamous for using aggressive Internet advertising in millions of e-mails sent out daily. (What we want to know – is the perpetrator for hire?)
– “MosNews”

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … it’s now possible to grow healthy new bone in one part of the body and use it to repair damaged bone in a different location. (Cool, a new set-up for the punchline “… or are you just happy to see me?”)
• Scientists say … the brain shuts off whenever we blink. A research team at University College London thinks that’s why blinks go unnoticed. (Wow, [co-host] must blink a lot.)
• Scientists say …  90% of us now carry a mixture of pesticides in our bodies The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention says many of these chemicals are linked to cancer, birth defects & neurological problems. (The good news … we now have a 90% less chance of growing dandelions in our colons.)
• Scientists say … bleaching products designed to make our teeth white also zap bad breath. It seems the odorless chemical carbamide peroxide used in the tooth bleaching process also makes halitosis disappear. (And thanks to [co-host], white strips now come in industrial strength.)

The debate over the existence of ‘Sasquatch’ (aka ‘Bigfoot’), an ape-like creature said to haunt the Western wilderness, is going hi-tech. A University of Alberta lab will conduct DNA testing on hair samples that several residents of Teslin, Yukon say were left when the mythological creature made a late-night run through the community earlier THIS MONTH. The DNA will be compared with large animals indigenous to the region, such as bears and bison. A researcher says that if it doesn’t match any known creatures, then it’s potentially interesting. (In related news … has anyone seen Shaquille O’Neal recently?)
– Yahoo! News

25-year-old Vijayakumar, who runs a yoga center in Cuddalore, India, has apparently set a new record by swallowing 509 ornamental fish in an hour and then retrieving them … through his nostrils … alive. (OK, we’ll be skipping breakfast this morning …)

A wallet in a back pocket can tilt a man’s pelvis while he’s seated, curving his spine and interfering with circulation to his legs. (Mine ain’t fat enough to cause any problems.)
– “Arizona Republic”

• “Dave gets to walk away unscathed and be the happy guy in rock, when he’s one of the biggest jerks.”  – Courtney Love slagging Foo Fighter Dave Grohl in the AUGUST issue of “Spin” magazine.
• “It could be the subject matter, the lack of stars. I’m not blaming the whole thing on the marketers.”  – Director Michael Bay speculating in the “LA Times” on why his new movie “The Island” is a big-time bomb. Fortunately, it seems his worst-ever opening weekend has nothing to do with his own abilities whatsoever.


1940 [65] Bugs Bunny, Hollywood CA, long-eared rodent actor (makes his debut in “A Wild Hare”)

1956 [49] Duncan Cameron, Utica NY, country musician (Sawyer Brown-“The Race is On”, “Some Girls Do”)

1969 [36] Hunter Hearst Helmsley (Paul Levesque), Greenwich CT, 5-time WWE World Champion wrestler aka ‘Triple H’/son-in-law of WWE head Vince McMahon

1975 [30] Alex Rodriguez (‘A-Rod’), NYC, MLB All-Star 3rd baseman (NY Yankees)/this season’s highest paid baseball player at $26 million

TODAY is “Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day”, to help them get to know their real environment.

1993 [12] “Entertainment Weekly” magazine picks “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” as the ‘Best TV Program of All-Time’

1888 [117] 1st ‘Electric Car’ is demonstrated (and we still aren’t driving them!)

1900 [105] ‘HJ Heinz Company’ is formed (famous for its ‘57 Flavors’)

[Thurs] Accountants Day
[Thurs] Drive-Thru Day
[Fri-Sun] National Ukrainian Festival [Dauphin MB]
[Fri-Sun] World Championship Bunnock Championship [Macklin SK]
[Sat] Cheesecake Day
[Sun] Mutts Day
This Week Is . . . Salad Week
This Month Is . . . Culinary Arts Month


• The car behind that blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing the street.
• The person behind you in the supermarket who runs his cart into the back of your ankles.
• A radio station that comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio, but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
• Not realizing you’ve stepped in dog poop until after you walk across your living room rug.
• People who ask you, “Can I ask you a question?”
• That dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• That vehicle riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
• Discovering a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth … 3 hours and 3 meetings after lunch.
• Whenever you need a salesperson, you can never find one.
• You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
• Reaching under the table to pick something off the floor and smashing your head on the way up.
• Your glasses sliding off your ears whenever you perspire.
And what’s eating you today?

Washed-up pop star Ricky Martin seems to be attempting to appear more socially aware. First he went to Thailand, purportedly to help young victims of the tsunami disaster. Now he’s in the Middle East seeking to ‘end Arab stereotypes’. Is he really helping … or just looking to get back into the elusive limelight?

• Sony BMG Entertainment has agreed to pay a $10-million fine for giving payola to radio station personnel to feature its tunes. That’s disgusting … I never got a cent!
• What’s the difference between a pit bull and a woman with PMS? Lipstick.
• Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
• My car has dual airbags … my wife and my mother-in-law.

• “I’m in a hurry to get to your mother’s house, officer. She told me she wanted it bad.”
• “Hey, if you grew a mustache you’d look just like that cop in the Village People!”
• “Come on, you try keeping an eye on the speedometer when you’re trying to light a bong!”
• “Sorry, my girlfriend just got her braces caught in my zipper.”
• “Aren’t you missing the fresh batch of crullers at the doughnut shop, Tubby?”
• “Would you hold my beer while I get my license?”
• “Do you agree with the theory that men who choose jobs with guns are compensating for having tiny penises?”
• “Sorry for staring, but your face looks exactly like my 320-lb Aunt Bertha’s butt.”
– “Weekly World News”

Today’s Question: Hamburgers are the most popular food item to barbecue on a grill, according to a recent poll. What’s on the bottom of the list?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Artichokes.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill.

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