Tuesday, July 26, 2005        Edition: #3080
You Really Know Your Sheet!

TODAY at Robins Air Force Base in Georgia, Jessica Simpson, Willie Nelson & other stars of “The Dukes of Hazzard” kick off a USO tour of US military installations hosting free screenings of the movie (the flick may be a turkey but you can’t say they aren’t flogging the hell out of it!) . . . The new NBC-TV series “Windfall”, about a group of friends who split a multimillion-dollar lottery, will star Luke Perry (“Beverly Hills 90210″), Jason Gedrick (“Boomtown”) & Sarah Wynter (“24″) . . . Springdale, Newfoundland-born actress Natasha Henstridge (“Species”) has joined the cast of ABC-TV’s new fall drama “Commander-in-Chief” (starring Geena Davis as the 1st female US president), playing the assistant to Donald Sutherland’s character, the Speaker of the House . . . Casino impresario Steve Wynn has lined up a deal to bring a version of the Broadway hit “Spamalot” to his Wynn Las Vegas Resort . . . Daisy Wright, actor Jude Law’s infamous former nanny, says he was still asking to meet her 2 days before the story broke . . . Meanwhile, it seems that Jude has been sending his fuming fiancée Sienna Miller flowers EVERY DAY since he admitted to the affair . . . “Jane” magazine editor-in-chief Jane Pratt claims actor Tom Cruise has been ‘auditioning’ women to be his girlfriend for a long time, claiming she was once asked by his associates but turned down the offer because she was involved in a relationship . . . Meantime, Cruise & Katie Holmes are back in Rome, the city where they made their debut as a couple and where he’s getting ready to film “Mission: Impossible 3″ . . . Producers of the upcoming “V For Vendetta”, starring Natalie Portman (opening NOVEMBER 4th), are refusing to edit out scenes of bombings on the London Underground, despite the recent terrorist attacks there . . . And those terrorism attacks have left the WWE undecided whether to continue with its Arab-American wrestling character ‘Muhammad Hassan’, but it has removed him from appearances on the “WWE Smackdown!” show.

• Beyoncé – She says she’s hoping to take some time off in 2006 after she films “Dreamgirls”, which begins shooting in JANUARY.
• Huey Lewis – THIS FALL the 55-year-old ‘80s pop star will make his Broadway debut as slick lawyer ‘Billy Flynn’ in the stage musical “Chicago”.
• Jason Mraz – TONIGHT he’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”. His new album, “Mr A-Z”, is in stores TODAY.
• Keith Urban – He’s signed a developmental deal to act in at least one movie, but has not yet seen a script and has no idea what type of movie might be offered.
• Mariah Carey – She’s found more ways to make money than just selling records. She recently deposited a large chunk of change for performing a private concert in Barcelona, Spain for the shareholders of Deutsche Bank.
• Sheryl Crow – TODAY she does the “Oprah Winfrey Show”. Her new album “Wildflower” (coming SEPTEMBER 27th) is named after a track inspired by her boyfriend, championship cyclist Lance Armstrong. The first single, “Good Is Good”, will be featured in a Dell Computer ad campaign.

• “The Upside of Anger” (Comedy Drama – DVD): Joan Allen plays a suburban wife left to raise her 4 headstrong daughters when her husband unexpectedly disappears. Her life gets even more complicated when she falls for her neighbor (Kevin Costner), a former baseball star turned radio DJ. In an insult to radio personalities everywhere, Costner gained 20 lbs to play the role.
• “XXX: State of the Union” (Action Thriller – DVD): In this follow-up to the 2002 Vin Diesel film, Ice Cube plays agent ‘Darius Stone’, who must protect a popular president from assassination by a radical splinter group of dissenters. Samuel L Jackson & Willem Dafoe co-star.

THIS WEEK the Church of England began allowing gay clergy to enter into ‘civil partnerships’ although it is still refusing to call them ‘marital relationships’. The hitch? The couples can be ‘partners’ … but are banned from having sex. (Like a kid in a candy store … with no money.)
– “Times of London”

THIS WEEK Florida and the Caribbean are likely to get a taste of the Sahara Desert as an enormous dust cloud moves across the Atlantic, borne by trade winds. The dust cloud measures about 2,500 miles by 1,500 miles. Weather experts with the National Weather Service in Miami say there’s likely to be few negative effects as most of the dust is in the upper atmosphere but when it passes over, Florida is likely to have a hazy day followed by a brilliant sunset.
– “Miami Herald”

A team of researchers at the Imperial College of London has identified a natural hormone that may offer a new way to reduce appetite. The hormone called ‘oxyntomodulin’ is produced by the small intestine after a meal. In a trial, a group of overweight subjects self-administered doses of the hormone 30 minutes before each meal. After 4 weeks, they had lost an average 2.3 kg (5 lbs).

• Inventor James Larrson is developing cutlery that shows your dinner date’s feelings. The system uses electrodes fitted to the utensils to measure the skin’s electrical resistance, which plummets when the user feels stress. It sends its findings to a computer monitor screen. (My laptop says you’re in the mood!)
– “Focus” magazine
• MIT researchers are looking at ways to use Radio Frequency Identification tags in the kitchen for something they call ‘counter intelligence’. RFI tag readers embedded in a countertop could identify utensils and help with a recipe, offering substitutions for missing ingredients and guiding the user through cooking a meal. (Cheaper method to accomplish same thing – call mom.)
– “Christian Science Monitor”
• Microsoft has revealed that the next version of its much-delayed Windows operating system will be known as ‘Windows Vista’. It will release the first of 2 test versions to software developers and IT professionals AUGUST 3rd. The retail version of the software is due towards the end of 2006. A Microsoft flak says the core idea of the new version is ‘bringing clarity to the user so they can focus on what matters most’. (Huh? Speaking of clarity …)
– “Chicago Sun-Times”

Bad driving habits could be costing you at the fuel pump. Following these driving tips will help save you money on gas …
• Easy Does it – Any sort of lead-footedness is going to give you worse mileage.
• Be a Smooth Driver – Abrupt stops aren’t great for fuel efficiency, so anticipate stops whenever you can.
• Avoid Rush Hour – Not only is stop-and-go traffic stressful and annoying, it’s bad for gas mileage.
• Combine Trips – Several short trips taken from a cold start can use twice as much fuel as a longer, multi-stop trip of the same distance with a warm engine.
• Follow the Speed Limit – Driving at excessive speed reduces fuel efficiency.
• Travel Light – Remove any excess items from your car. Less weight means better mileage.
• Clear the Roof –  A loaded roof rack increases air drag and reduces mileage by 5%.
• Go Easy on the AC – Using gas-hogging air conditioning as sparingly as possible will give your vehicle’s fuel economy a real boost.
• Don’t Be Idle – When you idle your car, its fuel economy crashes to zero miles per gallon. Modern vehicles don’t need to warm up, so don’t bother.
• Watch Your Foot – Avoid resting your left foot on the brake while driving. The slightest pressure could cause drag that will require additional gas.
– Bankrate.com

• Police in New Smyrna Beach FL are on the lookout for the – ‘naked tickler’. They believe that one person may be responsible for a series of bizarre break-ins in which a naked man enters victims’ rooms while they are sleeping … and tries to tickle their feet. He’s struck at least 6 times since 2001, most recently on the weekend.
– Yahoo! News
• British commuters who are fans of ‘Harry Potter’ have had the 6th edition of the series ruined after pranksters hung a banner over the A-442 highway near Telford that reveals the outcome of the book. The spoiler sign hung from a footbridge through an entire morning rush hour before being removed just before lunchtime.
– BBC News

A barnacle has the longest penis of any animal in relation to its size. (No wonder [co-host] is nicknamed ‘Barnacle Bill’.)


1943 [62] Sir Mick (Michael Philip) Jagger, Dartford UK, Rolling Stones wrinkle rocker/ex-Mr Jerry Hall/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1989)  FACTOID: “Rolling Stones On Stage” world tour kicks off in Boston AUGUST 21st.

1959 [46] Kevin Spacey (Fowler), South Orange NJ, movie actor (Oscars-“American Beauty”, “The Usual Suspects”)  COMING UP: Plays ‘Lex Luther’ in “Superman Returns”, now filming in Australia.

1964 [41] Sandra Bullock, Arlington VA, movie actress (“Miss Congeniality”, “Speed”) who wed “Monster Garage” producer/host Jesse James JULY 16th

1973 [32] Kate Beckinsale, London UK, movie actress (“The Aviator”, “Van Helsing”)

TODAY is “Aunt & Uncle Day”, honoring the special contributions they make to our lives (or maybe Hallmark has just run out of ideas).

TODAY is “All or Nothing Day”. This is it, folks – balls to the wall, give ‘er all you’ve got, the time has arrived, take no prisoners, it’s now or never, bring your ‘A’ game and give 110% … and any other hackneyed self-help cliche you can think of.

TODAY is the “Day of St Anne”, honoring the patron saint of homemakers and miners. She’s also the patron saint of Canada, so if you combine all those I guess you should celebrate by cleaning the maple syrup out of your nose.

2000 [05] A court orders the largest Internet file-sharing service, Napster, to stop allowing millions of users to swap copyrighted music

1775 [230] USA’s 1st ‘Postmaster General’ (Benjamin Franklin)

1958 [47] 1st ‘Hula Hoop’ (it was actually banned in Tokyo for a time due to the large number of traffic accidents it caused!)

1982 [23] 1st Canadian “Miss Universe” (Karen Baldwin of London ON)

1955 [50] Ted Allen throws a record 72 consecutive horseshoe ringers

1966 [39] Charles Christensen stays on-the-air for a then-record 277 consecutive hours at KMEN Radio in Riverside CA

[Wed] Take Your Houseplants For a Walk Day
[Thurs] Accountants Day
[Thurs] Drive-Thru Day
[Fri] Lasagna Day
[Sat] Cheesecake Day
[Sat] 68th All-American Soap Box Derby (Akron OH)
[Sun] 2005 Baseball Hall of Fame Induction
This Week Is . . . Animal Agriculture Week
This Month Is . . . Cell Phone Courtesy Month


• Goal judge to sit inside the goal net, allowing 2 extra seats too be sold.
• 2-minute penalty for ethnic slurs.
• Players allowed to buy beer during game, thereby increasing concession sales.
• Player that illegally injures another player suspended for amount of games injured player misses due to the injury.
• Goal disallowed if skater’s foot in crease unless it has been dismembered by opposing player’s stick.

For each word, 2 of the meanings given are BS, one is the real meaning. Contestants try to pick  the real definition …
• Canthus …
a. The corner of the eye. [CORRECT]
b. The corner of the room.
c. The corner of the street.

• Banalana …
a. A banana in Brazil.
b. A female bartender in Ireland. [CORRECT]
c. A hooker in heat.

• Labeorphilist …
a. Someone with a fetish for feet.
b. A medical specialist who deals with women’s problems.
c. A collector of beer bottle labels. [CORRECT]

Some of the following statements are true, others total BS. Which are which?
• Late actor Marlon Brando’s signature is so valuable to collectors that many personal cheques he wrote were never cashed because his signature was worth more than the amount on them. [TRUE]
• The artificial sweetener aspartame was taken off the market after it was found to be responsible for an epidemic of cancer, brain tumors and multiple sclerosis. [Total BS, contrary to popular opinion.]
• None of The Beatles knew how to read music. [TRUE. Paul McCartney eventually taught himself.]
• The word ‘vodka’ is Russian for ‘big headache’. [BS. It means ‘little water’.]

• [Co-host] was late getting in this morning. He spent 2 hours staring at a can of frozen orange juice because it said ‘concentrate’.
• The only culture she gets is from eating yogurt.
• Have you heard what Britney Spears asked Kevin Federline when she found out she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”

Today’s Question: Insurance companies pay out about a billion dollars a year to people who make a claim for THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A dog bite. (“Parade Magazine”)

When forced to choose between two evils, try the new one.

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