Thursday, July 29, 2004        Edition: #2833
Here’s More From the Bovine Stool Dispenser!

Whatever happened to “American Idol” runner-up Justin Guarini? TONIGHT he begins a run in “Good Vibrations”, a Beach Boys-based musical, at that high profile entertainment Mecca – Vassar College in Poughkeepsie NY . . . Add another name to the list of those wanting the job of ‘James Bond’ now that 51-year-old Pierce Brosnan is wisely giving it up – 37-year-old Geoffrey Moore says HE should be the next ‘007′ – because his pop Roger Moore once was . . . The upcoming video game “Playboy: The Mansion” will allow players to pretend they’re Hugh Hefner and mingle with virtual stars like Carmen Electra and – oh please! – Tom Arnold . . . A musical  called “Color My World”, based on the hits of 70s & 80s band Chicago, is being developing for a premiere NEXT SPRING . . . When ‘Springfield’ legalizes gay marriage in an upcoming episode, a long-time character on “The Simpsons” will come out of the closet (fans are speculating it’s ‘Waylon Smithers’) . . . ‘Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’ has been tossed out of the Democratic National Convention in Boston – perhaps because the press already outnumbers delegates by a ratio of 3-to-1? . . . While attending Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer’s annual ‘Bad Boys of Hockey’ bash, Detroit Red Wings defenceman Chris Chelios was kicked out of a Vegas restaurant for – illustrating the old Greek tradition of breaking dinner plates (with his face) . . . And look who’s in rehab now – 49-year-old designer Donatella Versace has checked in for cocaine addiction which she’s reportedly been battling for years (she was voted ‘Best Dressed’ at her last group therapy session).

• Reba McEntire – “Somebody” is her 22nd #1 country hit. Her first #1, “Can’t Even Get the Blues”, was way back in 1983.
• Alanis Morissette – TONIGHT she’s on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Lauryn Hill – Organizers of the “Rock the Vote” campaign are livid because she performed just one song then left a MONDAY night event for which she was paid ‘an enormous amount’.
• Uncle Kracker – TONIGHT he does NBC-TV’s “Last Call With Carson Daly”.

“Fahrenheit 9/11″ filmmaker Michael Moore’s next target will be Health Maintenance Organizations (HMOs) in his upcoming $6-million documentary “Sicko” . . . Just-turned-18 actress Lindsay Lohan is considering her first ‘adult film role’, a character that gets drunk, has se*x, gets pregnant and has an abortion (what’s the film called – “Career Killer”?) . . . Plans to revive Bruce Willis’s “Die Hard” character ‘John McClane’ for a 4th movie are looking up with a new writer onboard to revamp the script . . . Billy Bob Thornton is set to star in “Mr Woodcock”, a comedy about a scary high-school gym teacher who dates the mother of one of his students . . . ”King Arthur’s” Clive Owen will co-star with Jennifer Aniston in “Derailed”, the story of an ad exec whose life  is turned upside down after he misses his commuter train . . . Reese Witherspoon will produce & star in “The Dog Walker”, about a NYC publishing exec who loses her job and starts walking pooches for a living . . . The live-action movie “Transformers” is being scheduled for SUMMER 2006, based on the toy action figures that first hit the market touted as ‘Robots in Disguise’ 20 years ago.

A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … women are 8 times more likely to suffer sports injuries than men. The National Institutes of Health reports that stress fractures, and knee & ankle injuries are among the most common. (Further research will be needed to prove the phenomenon is a direct result of ‘running like a girl’.)
• Scientists say … blind people really do hear better. A new McGill University study finds that the unsighted hear musical notes more precisely – but only if they were blind at birth or became blind at an early age. (A similar study finds that people who lift weights smell.)
• Scientists say … broccoli is good for your eyesight. Researchers at Johns Hopkins University have found that the commonly hated veg protects the eye from damage caused by UV light. (Another argument to use on your kids.)
• Scientists say … powdered potatoes stop bleeding. A starchy new product called TraumaDex, made from the common potato, works like a sponge to instantly stop wounds from bleeding and reduce the need for blood transfusions later on. (An upcoming “ER” script: “Forceps … scalpel … spuds …”)

In order to qualify for a Canadian work visa, foreign strippers must now supply immigration officials with photos of themselves – naked photos. It’s purportedly to prevent imposters from securing official paperwork. Applicants must prove they can dance in the nude by supplying stage photos during performances. That means immigration officers are now required to pore over nude pics of hundreds of exotic dancers. If a dancer passes the no-clothes test, they may then require a ‘medical examination’. (Think there’s a few young guys looking to change their career path now?)
– “Toronto Sun”

Four inventors working for Toyota in Japan have won a patent for a vehicle they say can help drivers communicate better by glaring angrily at another car cutting through traffic as well as appear to cry, laugh, wink or just look around. The inventors explain in the patent that they want drivers to have more than a one-note horn and on-off headlights to signal other drivers. They envision a vehicle with adjustable body height, headlights that vary in color & intensity, an antenna that wags, and hood ornaments designed to look like eyebrows, eyelids and tears, all of which could glow with colored lights to create ‘moods’ and physical features. For instance, to show ‘anger’, the hood lighting glows red and the ‘eyebrow’ lights up. The inventors claim the features will make driving more entertaining. (Uh huh. And you thought drivers were distracted by talking on a cellphone.)
– “International Herald Tribune”

• Canada’s homicide rate fell by 7% LAST YEAR to its lowest level since 1967, according to new figures from StatsCan.
• About 17% of workers are admittedly failing to do their jobs adequately at any given time, according to a Gallup poll.

“Implant removal is a possibility, but I wouldn’t do it unless my husband Dave agreed.”
– Carmen Electra, actress-wife of guitarist Dave Navarro, on her 36 double-Ds.


1938 [66] Peter Jennings, Toronto ON, TV news anchor (“ABC World News Tonight” lead anchor 1965-1968, co-anchor 1978-1983, lead anchor 1983-present)  FACTOID: Became a US citizen in 2003.

1953 [51] Geddy Lee, Willowdale ON, classic rock singer/bassist (Rush-“Vapor Trails”, “Different Stages”)
1953 [51] Patti Scialfa, Deal NJ, classic rock singer (E Street Band-“Hungry Heart”)/Mrs Bruce Springsteen since 1991

1966 [38] Martina McBride (Schiff), Medicine Lodge KS, country singer (“This One’s For The Girls”, “The Way I Am”)

1973 [31] Wanya (‘Squirt’) Morris, Philadelphia PA, R&B singer (Boyz II Men-“I’ll Make Love to You”, “End of the Road”) whose singles had some of the longest chart runs in music history

TODAY is the 50th anniversary of JRR Tolkien’s classic fantasy novel “Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring”, first published JULY 29th, 1954. Just 3,000 copies were printed by George Allen & Unwin in the UK. Later that year, Houghton Mifflin Co brought out the first US edition – 1,500 copies.

TODAY is “International Lasagna Day” celebrating the famous Italian heart attack on a plate that’s become a worldwide fave. Almost all recipes for the ‘perfect lasagna’ feature ricotta as the cheese of choice. However, everybody seems to have their own secret ingredient. What’s yours? (Ours includes TWO eggs and slices of ham.)

TODAY is “Rain Day” in Waynesburg, Pennsylvania, an annual community event that started more than a hundred years ago when a farmer noticed it always seemed to rain on July 29th. They now claim it has rained on this date every year since 1796. It’s a good excuse for an annual party & ‘Miss Rain Day’ beauty pageant. By the way, today’s forecast is ‘partly cloudy’.

TODAY-August 7th the 80th annual “World Horseshoe Pitching Championships” are being rung up in Pocatello, Idaho where pitchers from  from 47 US states and 6 Canadian provinces are competing for $127,000 in prize money. Ask for tips on technique and how the game was originally invented.
PHONER: 208.282.4490 (Casey Sluys, NHPA PR Director)

THIS WEEKEND is the 29th annual “Heritage Festival” in Edmonton AB, billed as the ‘World’s Largest Celebration of Multiculturalism’. Some 6,000 volunteers pitch in to run the party in close to 50 ethnic pavilions Saturday-Monday.
PHONER: 780.488.3378 (Tamisan Bencz, Marketing & Communications Coordinator)

1936 [68] 1st ‘TV program’ includes dancing, fashion show & comedy

1907 [97] 1st ‘Boy Scout troop’ organized by Sir Robert Baden-Powell in London UK

1958 [46] ‘NASA’ established

1986 [18] Record for ‘hammock swinging’ begins (ends after 240 hours of lying around)

1988 [16] Reg Morris of Walsall UK crawls on his hands & knees for a world record 28.5
miles (the world grovelling record)

[Fri] National Cheesecake Day
[Fri-Sun] Mosquito Awareness Weekend
[Sat] 2004 National Scrabble Championship begins (New Orleans LA)
[Sat] Full ‘Blue’ Moon
[Sun] Sisters Day
[Mon] Holiday in 7 provinces & NWT (BC Day, Heritage Day, Civic Holiday, Simcoe Day, etc)
This Week Is . . . National Salad Week
This Month Is . . . Unassisted Homebirth Month


• 78 years ago TODAY (1926) the movie “Don Juan” debuted, which still holds the record for what?
a. Most onscreen extras.
b. Most onscreen kisses. [CORRECT. A total of 127.]
c. Most onscreen script flubs by actors.
d. Most characters with ‘Juan’ in their name.

• What product was first marketed under the name ‘Baby Gays’?
a. Men’s Figure Skates.
b. Q-Tips. [CORRECT]
c. Pampers Disposable Diapers.
d. Chef Boyardee’s Quiches-in-a-Can.

• Which color berry is almost always poisonous?
a. Red.
b. White. [CORRECT]
c. Blue.
d. Dingle.

• According to an online security firm, what is the most popular log-in password?
a. ‘Admin’.
b. A pet’s name. [CORRECT]
c. ‘Help’.
d. ‘Password’.

• In ancient Greek Olympic Games, about how long did chariot races last?
a. 2 hours.
b. 1 hour.
c. 15 minutes. [CORRECT]
d. They didn’t have any, moron. That was the Romans.

• Which plastic surgery procedure do men get most often?
a. Eye lift.
b. Liposuction. [CORRECT]
c. Nose job.
d. Biceps implants.

•  What is it about us that attracts mosquitoes?
a. Pheromones in our mucous membranes.
b. Urea in our sweat.
c. Carbon dioxide we exhale. [CORRECT]
d. Month-old toe jam.

• We need people with multiple personalities … to offset all the people who don’t have any.
• As I always say … anything worth doing is worth overdoing!

Today’s Question: Almost all of us have some of THIS in the house and about half of us regularly re-use it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Aluminum foil.

You never have to explain something you never said.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s BS!

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