Wednesday, July 28, 2004        Edition: #2832
Good Morning, Sheetheads!

LAST NIGHT the new play “I Love Paris” opened off-Broadway, in which the role of Paris Hilton is played by 33-year-old actor Kevin Shinick (yep, a guy) in white briefs & black socks – no drag (it’s supposedly all about the words) . . . First a couple of co-stars hold out for money and now it’s been revealed that “CSI” star William Petersen has also missed work due to an irregular heartbeat (he’s expected back on the set TODAY) . . . TONIGHT Michael Moore is bringing his anti-Bush documentary “Fahrenheit 9/11″ to the president’s adopted hometown of Crawford TX and about 1,000 are expected to attend the outdoor showing in a football stadium parking lot (Moore, becoming increasingly full-of-himself, has invited the prez to personally attend) . . . Britain’s largest independent record company Telstar has collapsed under huge debts after spending millions attempting to revive former pop star Victoria Beckham’s singing career . . . KISS bassist Gene Simmons is attempting to start a new career as a motivational speaker with the release of the new DVD, “Speaking In Tongues” . . . Jennifer Lopez’s mother, Guadalupe, has reportedly confided she prefers Ben Affleck over her daughter’s new hubby Marc Anthony, likely because she often went gambling with Affleck (thanks for the help mom, your daughter’s already having trouble with marriages over 2 weeks!) . . . And due to low ratings, syndicated TV gabfest “On Air with Ryan Seacrest” is expected to be yanked from at least 20 markets, leaving its future in jeopardy (“Seacrest … out!!!”).

• U2 – They’ve decided they’ll release their new CD “Vertigo” early if that rough copy stolen during a recent photo shoot in Nice, France is leaked on the Internet.
• Ashlee Simpson – She claims she can burp the entire alphabet but her sister Jessica is even better at it because ‘she has better wind and is a much louder belcher’.
• Britney Spears – Her 52-year-old father Jamie Spears is reportedly in an LA rehab center battling addiction to alcohol and pain-killers, part of a 6-month treatment plan being paid for by his daughter.
• Cher – She & daughter Chastity Bono will appear in “Family Outing”, a series about celebrities who’ve ‘come out’ to their parents that will air on the new gay TV network, Logo.
• No Doubt – Gwen Stefani has refused to be photographed for the cover of “Marie Claire” magazine with her co-stars from the upcoming movie “The Aviator”, Cate Blanchett & Kate Beckinsale. Her reasoning? It would ruin her street cred.
• Madonna (aka ‘Esther‘) – She’s now said to be reviewing potential Kabbalah names for her husband Guy Ritchie (how ‘bout ‘Eunuch’?).
• Hilary Duff – TODAY she’s on ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “The View”.
• Christina Aguilera – She & Missy Elliot are teaming up to release a cover version of Rose Royce’s 1977 classic hit “Car Wash”, which will be featured on the soundtrack of DreamWorks’ upcoming animated film “Shark Tale”, set to open OCTOBER 1st.

• ‘Life Caching’ – Collecting, storing & displaying one’s life online for friends & family using blogs, Webcams, camera phones, etc. (Sort of a digital version of ‘scrapbooking’.)
• ’Zoomburb’ – An ultra-fast-growing urban area in the suburbs. Some ‘zoomburbs’ are becoming as big as the cities they spun off of.
• ‘Hoteling’ – An office setup in which mobile workers do not have permanent desks or cubicles and so must reserve a workspace when they come into the office. (“My back’s killing me from lugging around these files. I’m hoteling in 3 cities.”)
• ‘Emo Boy’ – A new breed of sensitive straight guy who may look masculine but is vulnerable, emotional, subject to mood swings and talks about his feelings … too much. (Presumably the name comes from wimpy stand-up comedian Emo Philips.)

Scientists at San Francisco State University have found that women who wear perfume with synthesized female pheromone in it are more attractive to male partners. Pheromones are the natural chemical substances we secrete to elicit a specific behavior or response from others. In test studies, women who had pheromone added to their perfume reported a more than 50% increase in attention from men. They were involved in more kissing, heavy petting, affection, and, not surprisingly, se*x. (Soon all marriages will be saved by perfume?)
– The journal “Physiology & Behavior”.

A company in Sri Lanka specializes in making stationery from – elephant dung. Maximus manufactures elephant dung writing paper, envelopes & cards and also helps preserve the country’s dwindling elephant population because its supply of dung is purchased from an orphanage which houses 62 of the beasts. The reserve produces about 6 truckloads of dung daily so there’s no problem with supply. And here’s the real magic with elephant dung stationery – each, er, ‘sheet’ has its own unique color and texture, depending on the diet, age and dental health of the elephant that produced it. (From this post card they sent me, it seems the elephants got extra peanuts last Tuesday.)
– “Daily News”

Are you a ‘supertaster’? According to a Yale University study, about 25% of us have acute sense of taste due to a high number of taste buds. Supersensitive taste influences what people eat. Researchers have found that supertasters tend to avoid strong-flavored foods and also tend to be slimmer because they don’t crave fats or sugars. The downside – supertasters may not eat enough bitter vegetables, believed to protect against cancer. (You can bet you’ll never find one in a Thai restaurant.)
– “Smithsonian” magazine.

Child-rearing expert Dr Judy Gringeld says being considered a ‘cool’ parent is no longer a luxury, it’s essential these days if you want your teen to open up to you about things like premarital se*x or drug abuse. She suggests the following ways to prove your coolness …
• Use teen slang sparingly. Trying to sound hip … ain’t
• Keep a CD of a hot pop star in the car to pop in and surprise them with.
• Make out with your mate so they realize parents have the same raging hormones they do.
• Keep up with new technology. Nothing marks you as a geezer faster than being technically out-of-step.
• Never dance in front of your kids. Your old-fashioned dance moves will just make you look quaint.
• Don’t mimic teen fashions. Dress your age. Wow your kids with designer wear or come up with a unique look of your own. Nothing is cooler than bold individualism.
• Make ’em laugh. Show you have a sense of humor but remember, kids aren’t into wry wit – try more for physical gags.
– “Weekly World News”

• 1 in 32 Americans was either in jail, on probation or on parole at the end of LAST YEAR.
•  Signatures Network reports that Ozzy Osbourne has sold some $50-million in merchandise over the past decade, a record for a heavy-metal performer.


1945 [59] Jim Davis, Marian IN, really rich cartoonist (“Garfield”)

TODAY is “National Milk Chocolate Day”, an excuse for chocoholics everywhere to cow down!

TODAY is “Accountants Day”, honoring those people who seem to know the cost of everything but the value of nothing. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An auditor, on the other hand, is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

THIS WEEKEND is the annual “World Championship Bunnock Championship” in Macklin SK, ‘the Bunnock capital of the world’. The game involves attempting to knock down the opposition’s horse ankle bones with heavier horse bones called ‘throwers’. Some 150 teams will vie for 20 grand in prizes. (Like maybe … the rest of the horse?)
PHONER: 306.753.2256 (Macklin Recreation & Tourism)

THIS WEEKEND is “Canada’s National Ukrainian Festival” in Dauphin MB, a 3-day annual celebration of Ukrainian heritage. Activities include dance competitions, cultural pavilions and scrumptious food, along with the highlight – zabavas (parties!). This year’s entertainment includes Canada’s National Riding & Dancing Cossacks Company.
PHONER: 204.622.4600
THIS WEEKEND is the annual “Great Texas Mosquito Festival” in Clute TX, home of the world’s largest mosquito, ‘Willie Man Chew’. Participants will put on their bug repellent and celebrate with a 5-K ‘mosquito chase’, the ‘Mr & Mrs Mosquito Legs Contest’ and a ‘mosquito-calling contest’. Ask for sound samples.
PHONER: 800.371.2971/979.265.8392 (Parks & Recreation Department)

SATURDAY the finals of the 67th annual “All-American Soap Box Derby World Championships” roll in Akron OH. Local winners representing 43 states and 3 foreign countries will compete.
PHONER: 330.733.8723

20 YEARS AGO . . .
1984 23rd Summer Olympic Games open in Los Angeles with 7,800 athletes from 140 nations, but none from the Soviet Bloc

1973 [31] 600,000 attend “Summer Jam” rock festival at Watkins Glen NY featuring the Grateful Dead, the Allman Bros & The Band 

1989 [15] Anne Murray opens the “Anne Murray Centre” in her hometown of Springhill NS, packed with awards, photos & other career memorabilia

1786 [218] John Molson 1st announces he will begin a brewery in Montréal (what would he think of them selling out to Coors?)

1900 [104] 1st ‘hamburger’, according to some sources, is invented by Louis Lassing of New Haven CT (although the name comes from a sandwich popular in Hamburg, Germany)

1933 [71] 1st ‘singing telegram’ is delivered to singer Rudy Vallee on his 32nd birthday in NYC (now you can send balloon-a-grams, candygrams, cookie-grams, stripper-grams …)

1962 [42] Paul Henderson of Omaha NE survives a record 303 consecutive roller coaster rides

1979 [25] A cushioned egg dropped from the top of Toronto’s 1800-ft CN Tower lands unbroken

[Thurs] National Lasagna Day
[Thurs] “Lord of the Rings” 50th Anniversary
[Fri] National Cheesecake Day
[Fri] “The Manchurian Candidate” & “Thunderbirds” open in movie theaters
[Sat] 2004 National Scrabble Championship begins (New Orleans LA)
[Sat] Full ‘Blue’ Moon
This Week Is . . . Animal Agriculture Week
This Month Is . . . Women’s Motorcycle Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Today the planets align perfectly for you but unfortunately you can’t figure out why until it’s too late. Don’t worry, it will happen again in 738 years.
• Taurus – The world loves a winner! Too bad for you.
• Gemini – Today you will finally make a date with that chat room hottie. Unfortunately, it turns out to be your mom.
• Cancer – Try not to get jealous when your new girlfriend sends you out to buy new batteries later this week.
• Leo – You will unfortunately validate e-mail spam by losing 10 inches in 2 hours, making $250,000 in one month and having an ere*ction for the entire week.
• Virgo – You will cross paths several times this week with a sweaty, red-haired fat guy wearing geeky glasses. This horoscope brought to you by “Fahrenheit 9/11″, now the highest-grossing documentary of all-time! Check your local listings for show times.
• Libra – If you had more initiative you’d get a better job … or at least go on a murderous rampage around the office.
• Scorpio – Today the pathetic state of your life becomes crystal clear when you realize you have more Gameboys than friends.
• Sagittarius – Today you find out that “Everything’s better with Blue Bonnet on it” doesn’t necessarily apply to CDs.
• Capricorn – You’ll get to know the UPS man very well this week as you discover why heavy drinking and one-click shopping don’t mix.
• Aquarius – Your authentic stormtrooper outfit will be a big hit at the “Star Wars “ convention, but will totally flop at grandma’s funeral.
• Pisces – Science and nature converge this week. Unfortunately, it’s in your rectum.

Smuggler’s Inn Bed & Breakfast is located on ‘Canada View Drive’ in Blaine WA and that’s no exaggeration. In fact, the property actually straddles the US-Canada border. The inn has theme rooms dedicated to famous smugglers and bootleggers from over the years and the area is still a popular entry point for drug mules and illegal aliens. That’s why innkeeper Bob Boule offers guests hi-tech night-vision goggles so they can monitor border activity. Any recent sightings?
PHONER: 360.332.1749

With the Summer Olympics just around the corner, it’s a good time to gear up with your own games using cellphones, because virtually everybody has one these days. A few suggested events …
• Cellphone Gaming: Rack up as many game points as possible in 2 minutes.
• Text Messaging: Copy an 80-character message including spaces & punctuation, then send it to judges’ handsets as quickly as possible.
• MMS Messaging: Send a message that includes photo and text to judges as fast as possible.
• Cellphone Hurling: Fling the phone as far as possible from a standing start.

• What does your partner either eat or refuse to eat that drives you bonkers? Seems like every second person is on some kind of diet these days. Trouble is, people in the same household are now eating different things. University of South Florida dietitian Cynthia Sass has even written a book about it – “Your Diet is Driving Me Crazy: When Food Conflicts Get in the Way of Your Love Life”.
• Could you give your pet the kiss of life? Matt Tollefson of Fargo ND found the lifeless body of his 3-year-old chocolate Lab ‘Maddy’ floating in a lake. He performed mouth-to-muzzle and saved the critter. Now, he says, she looks at him differently.

[Co-host] just bought an electric lawn mower. That’s so he can find his way back to the house when he’s done.

Today’s Question: THIS tasty treat was invented during the Depression and its name says as much.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Rocky Road.

It’s okay to have nothing to say … unless you’re talking.

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