Tuesday, July 27, 2004        Edition: #2831
More Crap From The Bull!

“TV Guide” reports ABC-TV has recruited a wealthy 40-something guy to star in the next edition of “The Bachelor” (perhaps because the previous young studs have an 0-5 record of finding a lasting relationship) . . . Actor Bruce Willis just spent some $9 million for a walled and gated Beverly Hills estate with 7 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms, a screening room & tennis court . . . “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell is about to star in a new TV reality show called “Mogul”, about apprentices who compete for a job in the music industry . . . “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul is about to launch a kids’ clothing line called ‘Skirtz’ THIS FALL at Wal-Mart . . . Some 125,000 invitations are being sent out for the NOVEMBER 18th opening of Bill Clinton’s presidential library & museum in Little Rock AR (wow, wonder who gets that lucky catering contract?) . . . In the upcoming fantasy adventure movie “Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow”, Jude Law will co-star with acting legend Laurence Olivier – who died 15 years ago! (his image comes from assorted movies & archive footage) . . . A 90-minute version of the hit musical “Phantom of the Opera” will open in SPRING 2006 as a ‘permanent attraction’ in a purpose-built theater at the Venetian Resort in Las Vegas . . . Best buds Matt Damon & Ben Affleck are co-producing the new Spike-TV reality show “American Start Ups”, in which 8 new companies are given $50,000 in seed money and are then eliminated week-by-week based on their success or failure . . . And here’s testimoney to the power of movies – copies of the children’s textbook that George W Bush was reading in a Florida classroom on 9/11, made infamous in the film “Fahrenheit 911″, have been selling on eBay for up to 50 bucks.

• Melissa Etheridge – TODAY she’s on TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Gretchen Wilson – Her debut album “Here for the Party” has just been certified Double Platinum for sales of 2 million copies.
• Britney Spears – She’s been spotted wearing a T- shirt in the Santa Monica Market with the slogan, “I’m a virgin (but this is an old T-shirt)”.
• Rolling Stones – 57-year-old guitarist Ronnie Wood is back in rehab for the 3rd time in 4 years as he continues to battle alcoholism.
• Ryan Cabrera: The 21-year-old “On The Way Down” singer/songwriter is from Dallas TX. His debut album “Take It All Away” was co-produced with John Rzeznik of the Goo Goo Dolls. Ryan is managed by Joe Simpson, father of Jessica & Ashlee.

• “Hellboy” (Action Adventure – DVD): Based on the Dark Horse Comics series, Ron Perlman plays a demon conjured by and rescued from the Nazis, who grows up to become a defender against the forces of darkness. For years, director Guillermo Del Toro considered this film to be his dream project and even opted to do it over “Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban”. (Oops!)
• “The Whole Ten Yards” (Crime Comedy – DVD): Bruce Willis returns in this lame sequel as hitman ‘Jimmy the Tulip Tudeski’, now retired and living a quiet life in a beachfront bungalow in Mexico until his friend ‘Oz’ (Matthew Perry) shows up, begging for help in rescuing his wife who’s been kidnaped by a Hungarian mob. Amanda Peet & Natasha Henstridge co-star.
• “Ned Kelly” (Western Adventure – DVD/VHS): Heath Ledger plays the legendary 19th-century Australian outlaw turned folk legend who formed the notorious Kelly gang and committed a series of robberies. Orlando Bloom plays his best friend and partner in crime, Naomi Watts his aristocratic lover, and Geoffrey Rush the relentless lawman determined to destroy the outlaw.

An innovative new product developed in New Zealand called ‘Skunk Shot’ contains synthetic skunk oil in a gel-like substance. It was originally intended as a cat and dog repellent but may find popularity elsewhere – the Richland County Sheriff’s Office in Columbia SC is using the stuff to chase trespassers, druggies and squatters out of vacant buildings. So far, it’s been used in about a dozen problem areas and proven highly successful. And it’s a cheap solution – a tube of the stinky gel goes for $14.95.
– Daily News”
NET: http://www.connovation.co.nz/mainsite/Product.SkunkShot.html

Mariah Carey demands puppies, Cameron Diaz has someone to shave her armpits, J-Lo needs a flunky to do up her shoes, and now Usher is showing signs of being the newest diva on the block. The story goes he recently walks up to the bar in a NYC club but refuses to talk to the bartender. Instead he whispers in his bodyguard’s ear and the bodyguard speaks on his behalf – “Usher will have a Bellini” (champagne with fresh peach juice). The bartender mixes the drink and goes to hand it over but is stopped by the bodyguard, who explains that he is the only one allowed to hand Usher his Bellini. The bodyguard then takes a package of M&Ms, asks for 5 wine glasses, separates the M&Ms into the glasses by color, and orders bar staff to take them to Usher on a tray. By the way, Usher is wearing a T-shirt with a picture of, er, Usher, on the front.
– “Popbitch”

Since its inception LAST FALL, ‘International Cat Agility Tournaments’ (ICAT) has organized more than 20 competitive shows for – trained cats. Yup, apparently you can train a cat to perform on an obstacle course, much like dogs. THIS YEAR competitions are being staged in the US, Australia, France and Germany. Judges favor accuracy over speed, so it’s possible for a slow, accurate feline to beat a fast, sloppy one. Females tend to make better competitors as males are more easily distracted.
– “Denver Post”
NET: http://www.catagility.com

Red wine is flying off the shelves in Buenos Aires, Argentina after a local health expert has declared that drinking it is a great way to ‘tighten the stomach and firm the breasts’. ‘Wine Therapy’ specialist Diego Barberan claims red wine brings firmness and nutrition to the skin, making it healthy and elastic. (Yeah, when’s the last time you saw a fat wino?)
– “NY Post”

• An Iranian man who lost his keys 16 years ago has finally found them – embedded in his leg! The bizarre discovery came after the 50-year-old felt a pain in his leg and X-rays revealed the keys inside. The man told doctors he shot himself accidentally 16 years ago but has no idea how the keys fell into the wound. (You think he would have noticed his trunk popped opened every time he pushed his kneecap.)
• After begging for money outside a San Francisco art gallery for years, a panhandler known as ‘Don’ has given the gallery owner – $10,000! ‘Don’ just inherited close to 200 grand from his mother’s estate and says he’s giving the gallery owner a cut for treating him with respect. (And for those of you wondering, THAT’s why we keep [co-host] on this show.)
• Fat people get their just desserts at least once a year in Forcoli, Italy. At the annual “Mr & Miss Ciccione” competition, male competitors must weigh at least 330 lbs and females 220. This year’s heaviest male Fabio Teseo tipped the scales at 453 lbs. Top female Giovanna Guidoni weighed in at 416. ‘Cicciona’ is Italian for ‘chubby’. (Her mama told her it was a fat chance she was gonna win.)
• Forget water hazards and sand traps, health hazards are the main concern for golfers at a course in Thailand. That’s because the 15th hole at Bangkok’s Field Marshall Plaek Golf Course borders – a shooting range. Even the best marksmen sometimes fire off a stray shot. (Good luck on the course. But watch out for the 15th – it’s a real killer!)

• The British Science Museum has announced it will soon begin generating enough electricity to power up to 15,000 light bulbs by using – visitors’ excrement.
• There’s a new Atkins-branded low-carb snack on the way to be called – ‘Atkins Pork Scratchings’.

“It’s Rudy’s if he wants it.” – A Republican party insider reacting to rumors in the “Enquirer” that former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani is being secretly courted as President Bush’s running mate.


1940 [64] Bugs Bunny, Hollywood CA, long-eared rodent actor (makes his debut in “A Wild Hare”)

1969 [35] Hunter Hearst Helmsley (Paul Levesque), Greenwich CT, 5-time WWE World Champion wrestler aka ‘Triple H’/son-in-law of WWE head Vince McMahon

1975 [29] Alex Rodriguez (‘A-Rod’), NYC, MLB All-Star 3rd baseman (NY Yankees)/this season’s 2nd-highest paid player at $22 million (Boston’s Manny Ramirez is getting $22.5)/2003 AL MVP

[Regina SK] “Regina Exhibition” opens

TODAY is “Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day”, to help them get to know their real environment.

2003 [01] Hollywood legend Bob Hope dies at age 100

1993 [11] “Entertainment Weekly” magazine picks “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” as the ‘Best TV Program of All-Time’

1888 [116] 1st ‘electric car’ is demonstrated (and we still aren’t driving them!)

1900 [104] ‘HJ Heinz Company’ is formed (famous for its ‘57 Flavors’)

[Wed] Accountants Day
[Thurs] International Lasagna Day
[Thurs] “Lord of the Rings” 50th Anniversary
[Fri-Sun] National Ukrainian Festival [Dauphin MB]
[Fri-Sun] World Championship Bunnock Championship [Macklin SK]
[Fri] National Cheesecake Day
[Sat] 2004 National Scrabble Championship begins (New Orleans LA)
[Sat] Full ‘Blue’ Moon
This Week Is . . . Salad Week
This Month Is . . . Culinary Arts Month


• You can ship an 80-lb kid to an exotic destination by UPS, 2nd-day air, for around $100 … but don’t forget the air-holes!
• Take the kids to a car wash and tell them it’s Disney’s latest attraction, ‘The Land of Really Shiny SUVs’.
• Always refer to your tool shed as the quote-unquote ‘summer cottage’.
• Organize your own ‘Summer Olympic Games’ in the backyard with events like ‘Most Mosquito Bites On One Arm’.
• When taking a car trip, keep freezer bags in the glove compartment in case you hit a deer.
• Take the kids to your new backyard attraction – ‘The Garden Slug Petting Zoo’.
• Tell the family you’re going on a trip around-the-world, then turn on “Amazing Race”.
• Learn your lesson! Next year keep the kids up late on school nights so they fail and get held back in summer school.

The Atlantic Lottery Corporation will soon begin selling lottery tickets online in the Maritimes. Good idea or bad?

WWE wrestler Hunter Hearst Helmsley is famous for his ‘Pedigree’ finishing move. Run down the following list, asking a studio guest or phone contestant to decide if each is a wrestling finishing move or a yoga position …
GAME #1 –
• ‘The Shooting Star’ [wrestling move]
• ‘The Pigeon’ [yoga position]
• ‘Free Hand Head Bridge’ [yoga position]
• ‘Bonzai Drop’ [wrestling move]
• ‘The Worm’ [wrestling move]
• ‘Both Legs Faith Fish’ [yoga position]
• ‘Downward Dog’ [yoga position]
• ‘Sliced Bread #2′ [wrestling move]
• ‘Last Ride Powerbomb’ [wrestling move]
• ‘F-U’ [wrestling move]

GAME #2 –
• ‘Swandive’ [yoga position]
• ‘The Money Shot’ [wrestling move]
• ‘5 Star Frog Splash’ [wrestling move]
• ‘Four-Limb Staff’ [yoga position]
• ‘The Sharp Shooter’ [wrestling move]
• ‘One-Legged King Pigeon’ [yoga position]
• ‘The Powerbomb’ [wrestling move]
• ‘Intense Spread Leg Stretch’ [yoga position]
• ‘Figure-4 Leg Lock’ [wrestling move]
• ‘The Show Stopper’ [wrestling move]

Today’s Question: Among household chores, THIS is the one most disliked according to a poll.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cleaning the toilet.

What you see can depend on what you look for.

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