Friday, July 16, 2004        Edition: #2824
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TODAY Martha Stewart and her former stockbroker Peter Bacanovic will be sentenced separately – her first at 10 am EST, then him at 2:30 pm (let’s start a jail-time pool – I say she gets 10 months) . . . TONIGHT David Hasselhoff begins a 60-performance run as scheming lawyer ‘Billy Flynn’ in the London stage production of “Chicago” (which will be interrupted by arraignment on DUI charges JULY 26th) . . . TOMORROW Wu-Tang Clan performs for the first time in a decade at the “Rock The Bells” hip-hop festival in San Bernadino CA . . . TOMORROW in Orlando FL, VH-1 launches nationwide auditions for a reality series version of the 1970s TV sitcom “The Partridge Family” (proving TV truly has run out of ideas) . . . SUNDAY Madonna’s “re-Invention Tour” hits Toronto, more than a decade after her last appearance in Hogtown (“The Girlie Show” October 12, 1993) . . . Even though she arrived and left through a back door, snoops say they spotted Jennifer Aniston at Beverly Hills cosmetic surgery clinic The Lasky Center – where she reportedly spent 5 hours (do you think she had something made larger or smaller?) . . . Much-lauded late actor Marlon Brando’s final gig was voicing the elderly ‘Mrs Sour’ in the animated comedy “Big Bug Man” (due 2006), a role for which he showed up in a dress, blond wig, white gloves & full makeup (hmm, method acting or just plain kinky?) . . .  Frederick’s of Hollywood has hired Jessica Simpson to launch a new cosmetics line called ‘Dessert Beauty’ and she’ll also have her own perfume called ‘Delicious’ (yes, you too can smell like a blonde) . . . Meantime, she tells “Us Weekly” this is the last season of MTV’s “Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica” because they’re ‘not newlyweds anymore’ (yeah, they’ve got a whole year-and-a-half under their belts!) . . . Newlywed actress Mira Sorvino (June 11) is said to be pregnant with her first child, something bantered about as her belly bulges bigger & bigger during her honeymoon with new hubby Christopher Backus in Italy (whatever that is, it ain’t no meatball!).

• Jessica Simpson – TOMORROW she & hubby Nick host “Saturday Night Live” on NBC-TV.
• Wynonna – THIS AFTERNOON she guests on “Oprah”. Wynonna will launch her 20th anniversary tour in Madison WI OCTOBER 14th.
• Lloyd Banks – TONIGHT he’s on NBC-TV’s “Last Call With Carson Daly”.
• Kylie Minogue – She’s gone into the studio with the Scissor Sisters to work on new material.
• Toby Keith – He’s lending his name to ‘Toby Keith’s Road House‘, a new $4.5 million restaurant-music venue being built in Oklahoma City OK.
• Mis-Teeq – Britney Spear’s “Outrageous” was supposed to be the title tune for the new “Catwoman” movie but after she hurt her knee while filming the video, producers replaced it with this British trio’s tune, “Scandalous”, a UK hit in 2003.
• Christina Milian – The “Dip It Low” singer was born to Cuban parents in NJ, but moved to LA with her mom at age 13 so she could pursue acting. She’ll appear in “Be Cool”, the follow-up to “Get Shorty”, alongside John Travolta & Uma Thurman (opening FEBRUARY 2005).
• Josh Gracin – The 23-year-old “I Want To Live” singer who finished 4th on the 2nd season of “American Idol” says he’s been hooked on country music ever since he heard Garth Brooks’ “Friends in Low Places” on the radio.
• Madonna – She’s traveling to Tel Aviv with her hubby and kids in mid-SEPTEMBER, where she and 4,000 other followers of the controversial Kabbalah sect of Judaism plan to celebrate “Rosh Hashanah”, Jewish New Year.

• “A Cinderella Story” (PG Romantic Comedy) – Jennifer Coolidge plays the evil stepmother who tries to prevent Hilary Duff from getting a date with a princely guy (Chad Michael Murray) at her California high school. Some 29 tunes are featured on the soundtrack, including “Our Lips Are Sealed” by Hilary & Haylie Duff.
• “I, Robot” (PG-13 Sci-Fi Thriller) – In the year 2035, technophobic cop Will Smith investigates a crime that may have been perpetrated by a robot, leading him to believe robots are plotting to take over the world. In one scene, if you look closely at the display window of an antique robot store, you’ll see Sony’s AIBO robotic dog. Filmed in Vancouver & New Westminster BC.
• “The Door in the Floor” (Limited Release R-rated Drama): Based on the first 183 pages of John Irving’s 576-page bestseller “A Widow for One Year”, the film is set in the privileged beach community of East Hampton NY and chronicles a pivotal summer in the lives of a famous children’s book author (Jeff Bridges) & his beautiful wife (Kim Basinger) whose once-solid marriage is strained by tragedy.

Former NYC maitre d’, Abbe Diaz, has written a new book about the upscale restaurant scene called “PX This”, named for the restaurant code for ‘VIP treatment’, in which she tells tales about celebrity diners. Among the most difficult and demanding – Gwyneth Paltrow, whom she describes as ‘one nasty customer’. On the other hand, Diaz says some celebs treat restaurant staff with respect and are a breeze to serve. Among them – Ben Affleck, Pam Anderson & Chris Rock.
– “Daily News”

1. Denver
2. Boston
3. San Francisco
4. Philadelphia
5. NYC
– New DirectTV ranking

• 27-year-old Eve Marin of Québec City has lost 160 lbs, almost half her previous weight of 335, since undergoing stomach-stapling surgery 3 years ago. Now she’s threatening to sue the provincial health plan for refusing to pay for a $5,000-plus procedure to remove – 50 lbs of saggy skin that’s hanging from her belly, thighs & arms. (Apparently they already have enough excess fat in government.)
• Chinese author Qian Fuchang is releasing an entire novel – by text messaging. He’s currently condensing his “Outside the Fortress Besieged” into 60 brief chapters of 70 words each, in order to make them easier to text. (Y BOTHR?)
• A Charlottetown PEI man will not be allowed to own or possess firearms for 5 years after he was caught using a sawed-off .22-caliber rifle – as a nail gun. Police were called a few days ago when Michael Porter was spotted shooting nails at his house to secure a screen over a window. (Apparently he’d already finished redecorating with paint-balls. Never ask this guy to hang pictures, he’ll get out his shotgun!)
• About 30,000 weirdos made bids on eBay’s UK site to buy – a banana half-eaten by Kate Garraway, host of the British breakfast television show “GMTV”. The winning bid of £1,650 (about $3,000) was from a stockbroker who says he’ll put the blackening ‘nana on display in front of his office. (Yeah, that’ll bring in the crowds. “Ew lord, what’s that smell?”)


1952 [52] Stewart Copeland, Alexandria, Egypt, classic rock drummer (Police-“Every Breath You Take”, “King of Pain”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)/film score composer (“She’s All That”, “Wall Street”)

1967 [37] Will Ferrell, Irvine CA, movie actor (“Anchorman”, “Old School”)/ex-TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” 1995-2002)  COMING UP: One of the busiest guys in Hollywood, he has 11 productions in the works, including “Curious George” and “Joan of Bark: The Dog that Saved France”.

1971 [33] Ed Kowalczyk, York PA, rock singer (Live-“Lightning Crashes”, “Freaks”)

1935 [69] Donald Sutherland, Saint John NB, movie actor (“Cold Mountain”, “M*A*S*H”)/father of “24″ star Keifer Sutherland

1947 [57] Camilla Parker Bowles, Plumpton UK, Prince Charles’ longtime lover who may or may not soon marry him (in dog years, she’s 399)

1952 [52] David Hasselhoff, Baltimore MD, bad movie actor (“Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story “)/equally bad TV actor (ex-“Baywatch”, ex-“Knight Rider”)/sometime Betty Ford Clinic resident

1982 [22] (Natasha) Tash Hamilton, Liverpool UK, pop singer (Atomic Kitten-“Eternal Flame”, “Whole Again”)

TODAY through July 27th is the 11-day “World Champion of Dominoes” tournament in Barbados when some 400 top players will compete in singles and doubles matches. The tournament is held every 2 years in a different location in the Caribbean where the game is ultra-popular and taken very seriously. (As opposed to here, where we end up building little houses out of the tiles.)

TOMORROW they’ll be seeing double in Cassville WI as the 59th annual “Twin-O-Rama” invades town, a salute to twins … and more (triplets, quads, quints, etc).
PHONER: 608.725.5855 (Cassville Tourism)

THIS WEEKEND Donald Trump, comedian Jimmy Fallon and actors Kurt Russell and Luke Wilson are among the famous players expected to tee up at the “American Century Celebrity Golf Tournament” in Lake Tahoe CA.

5 YEARS AGO . . .
1999 John Kennedy Jr, his wife & sister-in-law die in a plane crash near Martha’s Vineyard MA

1935 [69] 1st ‘parking meter’ charges 5 cents (Oklahoma City OK)

1950 [54] ‘Largest stadium crowd’ in sports history as 199,854 watch Uruguay defeat Brazil in “World Cup” soccer final

1981 [23] Shukuni Sasaki spins a record 72 plates simultaneously (only he could understand what it’s like trying to hold this show together!)

[Sun] Cow Appreciation Day
[Sun] Stick Out Your Tongue Day
[Sun] National Ice Cream Day
[Tues] Moon Day
[Tues] National Lollipop Day
[Tues] Special Olympics Day
[Wed] Junk Food Day
This Week Is . . . Special Recognition Week
This Month Is . . . Disaster Education & Awareness Month


No time or money for a summer vacation? “Ask Men” suggests you try one of these strategies to give yourself a break …
• Change your routine. It can be as simple as going to work or leaving at a different time.
• Get outside. Go to the park, walk along the waterfront, have a coffee or lunch outdoors.
• Be a kid again. Go to a carnival, zoo, theme park or local festival.
• Be a tourist. Explore an area of your city that you’re not familiar with.
• Take day trips. Get out a map, draw a radius covering 1 or 2 hours driving distance and take off in a random direction on weekends.
• Plan a picnic. Have a ‘family reunion’ … only with friends you get along with.
• Go hiking. Grab your boots, your water bottle, your backpack, and get moving.
• Rent a scooter and drive around in the sunshine.
• Rent a houseboat. Pool together with friends and hire a houseboat for a long weekend.
• Book a hotel. Go online and find a reasonably-priced hotel, preferably with a pool.
• Take a business trip. Offer to take someone’s place on an out-of-town business trip. At least you’ll be getting away!

• What’s the difference between ‘Virgin Olive Oil’ and ‘Extra Virgin Olive Oil’?
a. Nothing. It’s all a marketing ploy.
b. ‘Virgin’ is less than 3% acid, ‘Extra Virgin’ less than 1%. [CORRECT]
c. ‘Extra Virgin’ is made from the really ugly olives.

• Why do your feet swell up in an airplane?
a. Inactivity causes blood to pool in the feet. [CORRECT]
b. Air pressure causes lack of circulation.
c. Unwillingness to use minuscule airplane restrooms causes water retention.

• Why is a leader or boss called a ‘honcho’?
a. It’s derived from the 14th-century Chinese warrior, General Hon Cho.
b. In Mexico, it’s a slang word for ‘dictator’.
c. In Japanese, ‘honcho’ means ‘leader of the squad’. [CORRECT]
– “Imponderables”

• It’s always good to explore all of your options before making the wrong decision.
• Some see the glass as half-empty, others see the glass as half-full. I just wonder what’s in the glass.
• Diarrhea also happens.
• No matter how pathetic you are, there’s someone out there who is equally pathetic and who will marry you.

Today’s Question: 13% of us refuse to wear THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Undergarments.

Do it before you figure out how it can’t work.

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