Wednesday, July 14, 2004        Edition: #2822
No Sheet? No Service!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY in Key West FL Rosie O’Donnell will be awarded the key to the city when her R Family Vacations gay & lesbian family cruise sails into port . . . TONIGHT CBS-TV airs the 2-hour special “CMA Music Festival: Country Music’s Biggest Party”, highlights from this year’s 4-day festival in Nashville formerly known as “Fan Fair” (appearances by Brooks & Dunn, Dierks Bentley, Terri Clark, Martina McBride, Montgomery Gentry, Brad Paisley, Gretchen Wilson & others) . . . TONIGHT 10 of the 12 finalists from the latest season of “American Idol” kick off a 49-city summer tour in Salt Lake City (missing: Leah LaBelle & Matt Rogers, the first 2 voted off) . . . TONIGHT Jamie Foxx hosts the taping of the 12th annual “ESPY Awards” at which Tom Cruise will introduce a tribute to late NFL player & US Army vet Pat Tillman (show airs SUNDAY) . . . Hot-headed British chef Gordon Ramsay has signed a deal with FOX-TV to make a US version of his popular “Hell’s Kitchen” show in which celebrities work the kitchen while Ramsay spurs them on with foul-mouthed outbursts . . . Gossip in Nashville has it that country couple Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood have married in secret . . . Actress Julia Roberts is said to have an unusual pregnancy craving – french fries dipped in melted chocolate . . . Will Smith returns to the silver screen FRIDAY in “I, Robot” and now he’s looking to return to the music scene with a new album this Christmas (his last release was in 2002) . . . And here’s a wacky twist – the mother of Michael Jackson’s young accuser has married her boyfriend, one Major Jay Jackson, so now her name is … Janet Jackson.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Eminem – He’s just hired heavyweight boxer Lennox Lewis’ former trainer Emanuel Steward to get him into shape for an as-yet-undisclosed movie role.
• Christina Aguilera – Word is she’s set to purchase a restaurant in NYC’s trendy SoHo area and will give it a British theme, calling it ‘Little London’.
• Hilary Duff – TONIGHT she does “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Mark Chesnutt – He’s just signed to perform SEPTEMBER 2nd at a party hosted by the Texas delegation at the Republican National Convention in NYC.
• Jay-Z – He’s reportedly just forked out circa $9 million for a South Beach FL penthouse and a Chelsea flat in London. So he and Beyoncé can save on hotel bills?
• Shifty (Robbie Horton) – The former Crazy Town vocalist/lyricist/producer says he’s ‘trying to grow up and be happy’, not an easy task since his best friend died LAST YEAR and he’s struggled with sobriety.

BS BUZZWORDS:
• ‘Maturialism’ – The increasing trend by mature consumers to seek out and purchase the ‘best of the best’. (“Of course Al bought a Bimmer now that he’s 55, he’s into maturialism.”)
• ‘Googleproof’ – One of the benefits of sharing a name with a celebrity, it’s virtually impossible for anyone to find out about you using an Internet search engine. You’re Googleproof!
• ‘Poddies’ – iPod owners. (“I couldn’t score a blank CD from any of my friends, they’re all poddies.”)

SAVE YOUR KLEENEX, YOU MIGHT GET RICH:
British artist James Robert Ford’s creation ‘Bogey Ball’ was completed earlier THIS YEAR and, after being exhibited in London and Nottingham, goes on sale JULY 26th. But who’d really want it? You see, ‘Bogey Ball’ is a ping-pong ball-sized chunk of snot, molded from mucus collected from his nose over 2 years. According to Ford, it’s a physical record of all the different places he’s been and people he’s met. It’s now displayed in an egg cup inside a glass box. And the asking price for this truly unique ‘work of art’? About £10,000! His previous projects include ‘Feecal the Little Chocolate Starfish’.
NET: http://www.jamesrobertford.com/homepage.htm

TORONTO TO BE TRUMPED:
One of ubiquitous Donald Trump’s future projects is building Canada’s tallest skyscraper. The planned 68-story luxury condo-hotel project at Bay & Adelaide Streets in Toronto will be called the ‘Trump International Hotel & Tower’. If all goes well (meaning if enough of the multi-million-dollar condos are pre-sold), construction will begin NEXT YEAR and the big ‘TIT’ will open in 2008.
– “Toronto Sun”

THIS MONEY NEEDS LAUNDERING:
Airport police in Bogota, Columbia detained a man who was acting nervous while waiting to board a flight for Lima, Peru. An X-ray showed dozens of latex-wrapped packets inside the suspect’s stomach which the cops assumed contained drugs. Nope, not this time! When the mule finally ‘passed the packages’ it turned out to be cash – $47,500 to be exact. (Talk about a rich diet!)
– “Daily News”

‘FLIPPING’ THROUGH THE PAGES:
The new book “Field Guide to the North American Bird” by Adam Blank is an illustrated guide showing more than 50 ways to – raise your middle finger in a rude gesture.
– “Social Studies”

THEY’RE NOT FROM TOADS AFTER ALL:
Warts are caused by a Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) infection that multiplies in the skin and causes a painless bump. University of Toronto research shows there are over 50 kinds of HPV that cause different kinds of warts on various parts of the body. Warts can be spread from person to person by direct contact and also via indirect contact when a person infected with HPV touches and contaminates a surface. People who have no visible warts may carry the HPV virus and spread the infection. Warts can also spread from one part of the body to another part on an infected person. (On second thought, I’ll be skipping breakfast.)
– HealthScout

ST SURFUS OF SANDCASTLE CATHEDRAL:
Bishop Antonio Marcelino of Aveiro, Portugal has become so fed up with poor church attendance he’s decided to hold services on a popular local beach. Perhaps if his flock is more relaxed, he figures, they’ll take time for ‘serene reflection about life’. (It will also allow him to check out more young boys in Speedos, he didn’t say.)
– “NY Post”

FOR THE RECORD:
 ‘Jerry’, an Australian Cattle Dog/Bull Terrier cross living with an Aboriginal family in the Australian outback will become the ‘World’s Oldest Living Dog’ when he turns 27 NEXT MONTH, the equivalent of 189 years for a human! And he has a shot at becoming the ‘Oldest Dog Ever’, a record now thought to be held by an Australian Cattle Dog named ‘Bluey’ who died in 1939 … at age 29.
– “Sydney Daily Telegraph”

THE BULL SHEET 07.14.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1913 [91] Gerald Ford, Omaha NE, accident-prone 38th US President (1974-77)/1st non-elected US Vice President & President

1966 [38] Ellen Reid, Selkirk MB, classic rock keyboardist/singer (Crash Test Dummies-“Um Um Um Um”, “The Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead”)

1975 [29] Taboo (Jamie Gomez), LA CA, hip-hop musician/MC/dancer (Black Eyed Peas- “Hey Mama”, “Where Is The Love?”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Bastille Day”, the national holiday of France that commemorates the beginning of the French Revolution in 1789 when patriots stormed the Bastille prison. (A good day to don a beret and a wispy mustache, or sneer at that unused Lady Schick razor as you admire your armpit dreadlocks.)

TOMORROW is “St Swithun’s Day” in honor of an obscure British bishop who was buried in the rain in 971 AD. That spectacular feat led to the belief that if it rains on this day, it will rain for 40 more. And if it’s fair, there’ll be no rain for 40 days. Canada actually has a ‘National St Swithun’s Day Society’, founded in 1974.
PHONER: 905.883.0984 (Norman McMullen-Richmond Hill ON)

FRIDAY 85 auctioneers from across North America face off in a bid-calling battle as the National Auctioneers Association hosts its 16th annual “International Auctioneer Championship” as part of the 55th “International Auctioneers Conference & Show” in Madison WI. Competitors will be judged on appearance, the speed & clarity of bid-calling, and how quickly they can auction off 3 items. The top male and top female auctioneer each win $10,000 and a diamond ring. So how come men and women can’t compete against each other?
PHONER: 888.541.8084 x11 (Robert Shively)
NET: http://www.auctioneers.org

THIS MONTH is the 7th annual “Appreciate-a-Geezer Month”, when we’re asked to appreciate our elders instead of relegating them to the trash heap of life. ‘The Geezer Brigade’ is devoting 2004 to finding a better name for people 55-plus than ‘Seniors’, ‘Golden Agers’ or ‘Old Farts’. Ideas anyone? ‘COPS’ (Clever Old People)? ‘Know-It-Alls’? ‘Cottonheads’?
NET: http://www.thegeezerbrigade.com

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1992 [12] Demi Moore appears on “Vanity Fair” cover wearing nothing but a painted-on birthday suit

2000 [04] “X-Men” opens in theaters with a record take of $57.5 million, the largest non-sequel, non-holiday movie opening (in an even-numbered year, during a month that begins with ‘J’ …)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1998 [06] WYHY Nashville offers $1 million to anyone who can prove Elvis Presley is still alive

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1868 [136] 1st ‘tape measure’, patented by Alvin J Fellows (CT)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1990 [14] Prince Edward Island’s ‘Fast Eddy’ McDonald completes record 8,437 loops with a yo-yo in 1 hour

1990 [14] World’s largest cherry pie weighs in at 37,740 lbs and is served up from a 20-ft in diameter pan (Oliver BC)

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] Emmy Award nominations announced
[Thurs-July 25] 22nd Just For Laughs comedy festival (Montréal)
[Fri] “A Cinderella Story” and “I, Robot” open in movie theaters
[Sun] Cow Appreciation Day
[Sun] National Ice Cream Day
[Tues] Moon Day
This Week Is . . . Mosquito Week (someone’s actually promoting them?)
This Month Is . . . Tahiti Awareness Month (this year’s poster boy is Marlon Brando)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:

Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Your obsession with green tea takes a turn for the worse today as you begin secretly soaking your underwear in it.
• Taurus – You’ve taken your share of BS, it’s time to throw down the gauntlet! If you can’t find a gauntlet, an oven mitt will do.
• Gemini – Whoever said “A fool and his money are soon parted” has never met you, you ignorant greedy twit.
• Cancer – The best way to make sure you have no cavities is to have no teeth. The chisel’s in your toolbox.
• Leo – You will be offered a position at ‘Research In Motion’. Congratulations on the RIM job.
• Virgo – After a dangerous hot sauce incident, you will discover that Pepto-Bismol is part of a complete breakfast.
• Libra – You will die when your “Star Trek” DVD collection falls off the shelf and traps you underneath it for several days.
• Scorpio – You will be struck by an odd thought today. Fortunately, it will be only a glancing blow.
• Sagittarius – Venus & Jupiter have aligned with Mars and all would be right with the world if it weren’t for the constant screams of despair emanating from your cubicle.
• Capricorn – Sure vodka Jell-O shots are great fun but probably not the best snacktime choice for your 5-year-old.
• Aquarius – The I-T department suggested you DE-frag your hard drive, not frag it. Now go pick up the pieces!
• Pisces –The stars are shining down on you from above. At least that’s what you’ll be thinking just before the impact.

BS ‘CASTING CALL’:
You give 3 movie co-stars, your contestant tries to name the movie they were all in.
• Cate Blanchett, Orlando Bloom & Liv Tyler [“Lord of the Rings” trilogy 2001-03]
• Kirsten Dunst, Tobey Maguire & Alfred Molina [“Spider-Man 2" 2004]
• Queen Latifah, Catherine Zeta-Jones & Renée Zellweger [“Chicago” 2002]
• Jennifer Aniston, Jim Carrey & Morgan Freeman [“Bruce Almighty” 2003]
• Gary Oldman, Daniel Radcliffe & Emma Watson [“Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban” 2004]
• Jack Nicholson, Adam Sandler & Marisa Tomei [“Anger Management” 2003]
• Jake Gyllenhaal, Sela Ward & Dennis Quaid [“The Day After Tomorrow” 2004]
• James Caan, Will Ferrell & Bob Newhart [“Elf” 2003]
• Halle Berry, Dame Judi Dench & John Cleese [“Die Another Day” 2002]
• Jamie Lee Curtis, Mark Harmon & Lindsay Lohan [“Freaky Friday” 2003]

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• With which celebrity would you most like to spend a day shopping at the mall? (Carson Kressley from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” tops a new “Family Circle” magazine poll.)
• Are baby names getting weirder? What odd ones have you heard recently? (A few that are gaining popularity – Genesis, Justice, Trinity, Chance, Apollo, Juniper, Clover, Miracle. Ew!)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I could have been a doctor … but there were too many good shows on TV.
• Now see? There’s just more proof … people are a threat to society.
• I think ‘love’ is whatever’s left over come morning.
• If you have to dial 9 to call out of your own home, you’re working way too much.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 9 out of 10 of us use THIS word to describe ourselves.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Shy.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Only one diet has ever worked … exercise.


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