Friday, July 2, 2004        Edition: #2814
Get a Load of This Sheet!

TODAY Paris Hilton is throwing a launch party in the Hamptons for her very own record label, ‘Heiress’, which will release her debut album, tentatively titled “Screwed” (well that’s one way to get a recording contract!) . . . Meanwhile, Paris is also branching out into footwear, lending her name to a ‘lifestyle sneaker’ for Russell Simmons’ Phat Farm line . . . SATURDAY singer kd lang is scheduled to perform aboard Olivia Travel’s ‘Lesbian Honeymoon Cruise’ from Boston to Montréal, which kicks off with multiple lesbian weddings before hitting the high seas (we wonder – what are the odds of this ship going down?) . . . Word is Michael Jackson is holed up in a $4,000-a-night suite at Loews Miami Beach Hotel with 70-year-old herbalist Dr Sebi (Alfredo Bowman), meditating and praying in preparation for his trial (do you think ‘Dr Sebi’ ever compares notes and/or phone numbers with Kabbalah’s Rabbi Berg?) . . . Britney Spears, the soon-to-be Mrs Kevin Federline, has never even met her future step-daughter, 2-year-old Kori . . . Britney’s engagement ring is said to be 5 carats (we’re guessing she bought this paperweight for herself) . . . Ex-Mrs Marc Anthony and ex-Miss Universe Dayanara Torres is in talks to become the Miami correspondent for TV’s “Access Hollywood” . . . Prince Charles has admitted for the first time that he is officially funding his mistress Camilla Parker Bowles – to the tune of some $450,000 a year . . .  Coolness! Imax is in talks with Sony Pictures to re-master “Spider-Man 2″ for release in its giant-screen theaters . . . Meantime, FOX-TV has already locked up broadcast rights to “Spider-Man 2″, paying $50 million for 3 TV showings beginning in 2006 . . . And, just in case you care, 31-year-old former “Beverly Hills 90210″ actress Tori Spelling (aka ‘Bugeyes’) is rumored to be marrying her 34-year-old actor/writer fiancé Charlie Shanian TOMORROW in Malibu CA.

• P Diddy – He’s reportedly throwing a gigantic ‘Red, White & Blue’ theme party for celebs in the Hamptons on Long Island for the Fourth of July.
• Dave Matthews Band – TOMORROW they’re the musical guests on “Saturday Night Live”.
• Uncle Kracker – (Matt Shafer), who first received attention as Kid Rock’s DJ/songwriting partner, says he never expected to have a #1 country single (“When the Sun Goes Down” w/Kenny Chesney) but he welcomes any new listeners he can find.
• Jennifer Lopez – She recorded a duet with Marc Anthony for the soundtrack of “Shall We Dance” but the recording is being shelved because the movie studio doesn’t want their marriage to divert attention from the film.
• Justin Timberlake – “In Touch Weekly” reports he and *NSYNC bandmate Lance Bass didn’t even acknowledge one another at a recent Hollywood pool party. Has their relationship turned a tad frosty?
• Allison Moorer – TONIGHT the “All Aboard” singer does “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Beyoncé – NEXT MONTH fans at Britain’s “Leeds Music Festival” will be able to jump and bounce on ‘The Beyonce Castle’, a giant air-bag shaped like her most famous ass-et.

• “De-Lovely” (Limited Release PG-13 Musical Drama): Kevin Kline plays American composer Cole Porter and Ashley Judd his wife in this biographical musical. Unlike Cary Grant’s 1946 portrayal in “Night & Day”, Porter is more accurately depicted as a bi-sexual. In fact, the storyline is described as ‘a love affair between a gay man and his wife’.
• “The Clearing” (Limited Release R-Rated Thriller): A wealthy CEO (Robert Redford) is kidnapped by a disgruntled former employee (Willem Dafoe) and held for ransom deep in the woods. While his wife (Helen Mirren) negotiates with the kidnapper, she begins to wonder if  her husband is already dead.

The annual “Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Competition” on the Fourth of July will be televised on – sports channel ESPN. The contest will feature 132-lb ‘Extreme Eating’ champ Takeru Kobayashi attempting to defend his world record of hoovering 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes LAST YEAR. Richard Shea, president of the ‘International Federation of Competitive Eating’ says, “We have clearly passed the NHL in popularity.” (Except in puck-eating.)
– “NY Post”

Scientists at Concordia University in Montréal have found that a new drug called PT- 141 causes female rats to ‘assume postures that invite sexual activity’. Not surprisingly, the activity has then been linked to an increase in attention from male rats. Researchers say the study is the first step in trying to understand sexual desire in the female brain. (No no no! The first step is ‘revenge’.)

Scientists-slash-comedians Helen Pilcher & Timandra Harkness from the Comedy Research Project in London claim to have developed the formula for the perfect joke … c = (m+nO)/p. Let’s break it down: ‘c’ is the ‘funniness of the joke’; ‘m’ is the ‘comic moment’ (arrived at by multiplying the punchline’s ‘funniness’ rating by the length of the ‘build-up’); ‘n’ is the number of times the subject undergoes a pratfall; ‘O’ is the ‘ouch factor’ (the social or physical pain of the indignity involved in the joke); and the whole thing is divided by ‘p’, the number of ‘puns’ in the joke. (What, no ‘g’ for ‘gross-out factor’?)
– “The Guardian”

Researchers at Tulane University in New Orleans have found that alcohol hangovers seem to be reduced by ‘Opuntia Ficus Indica’ (OFI), an extract from the skin of the prickly pear fruit. In tests, consumption of the pear cactus extract 4 hours before alcohol seems to reduce hangover symptoms from various types of booze, including vodka, gin, rum, bourbon, scotch, and tequila. (But always remember “The Bare Necessities” – “Don’t pick the prickly pear by the paw, When you pick a pear try to use the claw …”)
– “The Archives of Internal Medicine”

• 2-year-old identical twins in Manchester UK have each broken their left arms … in exactly the same place … on the same day … on the same backyard slide! After the first twin fell off the slide and broke his arm, his mother took him to the hospital while the father laid the slide on its side to avoid further accidents. Only hours later, the 2nd twin tripped over the slide, also breaking his left arm. (The good news is … between the two of them they can still clap.)
• A company called ‘The Perfect Alibi’ has been so successful in Germany, it’s now expanding its services into Austria. The agency helps over 300 clients per month to – cheat. How? By providing excuses for them to be away from their partners, such as invitations to weekend business seminars. (After which the company’s subsidiary, ‘The Perfect Blackmail’, sends you embarrassing photos in the mail.)
• A British insurance company is looking for a new location because employees are offended by a neighboring tenant who – pretends to have sex with plastic blow-up animals. The firm is forced to move because a court has ruled it cannot legally stop the 45-year-old degenerate’s daily performances in front of his window … with a blow-up cow or pig. (Sick! Sick! Sick! Maybe a sheep … but a cow?)


1947 [57] Larry David, Brooklyn NY, TV actor/director (“Curb Your Enthusiasm” since 2000)/TV producer/writer (co-creator of “Seinfeld” 1990-98)

1956 [48] Jerry Hall, Gonzalez TX, sometime model/sometime actress/long-suffering ex-Mrs Mick Jagger

1983 [21] Michelle Branch, Phoenix AZ, pop singer (w/Santana-“The Game of Love”)

1986 [18] Lindsay Lohan, NYC, movie actress (“Mean Girls”)/2004 “MTV Movie Awards” host

1943 [61] Kurtwood Smith, New Lisbon WI, TV actor (‘Red Forman’ on “That ’70s Show” since 1998)

1956 [48] Montel Williams, Baltimore MD, TV gabfest host (“The Montel Williams Show” since 1991)

1958 [46] Aaron Tippin, Pensacola FL, country singer (“There Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong With the Radio”)

1962 [42] Tom Cruise (Thomas Mapother IV ), Syracuse NY, movie star (“The Last Samurai”)/ex-Mr Nicole Kidman  COMING UP: The action thriller “Collateral” opening AUGUST 6th, and the sequel “Mission Impossible 3″ opening MAY 6, 2005.

1969 [35] Kevin Hearn, Grimsby ON, pop musician (Barenaked Ladies-“One Week”)

TODAY through Sunday the 13th annual “World Wife Carrying Championships” heave to it in Sonkajarvi, Finland. In this modern version of an old tradition, men compete to transport women (the ‘wife’ carried can be your own, your neighbor’s, or any other willing woman over 17-years-old) over a 250-meter course. The minimum weight of the wife is 49 kilos. If she weighs less, extra weight is piled on to compensate. The winner is the couple who completes the course in the shortest time. Estonians have won 5 straight championships, using the ‘upside-down’ carrying method.

TODAY is “I Forgot Day”, set aside to make up for all the birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions that you forgot to acknowledge over the past year. (What’s the lamest excuse anyone ever laid on you?)

TODAY at 12 noon, the year 2004 is half over. 182.5 days of the year will have elapsed and 182.5 will remain before January 1, 2005.

TODAY is “Be Nice to People You Don’t Like Day”. (Cripes, I do that every morning when I come in here!)

TONIGHT is the full moon variously known as “Father’s Moon”, “Wort Moon”, and “Buck Moon”. There are 2 full moons this month, the next on JULY 31st.

TOMORROW is “Compliment Your Mirror Day”. Participation consists of complimenting your mirror on having such a wonderful owner and keeping track of whether other mirrors you meet during the day smile at you. (This is much more fun if you have a prescription for medicinal marijuana.)

TOMORROW through August 15th are the “Dog Days of Summer”, traditionally the hottest time of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. The name comes from the ancients, who would sacrifice a brown dog at this time to appease Sirius, the Dog Star, believing that star was the cause of the hot, sultry weather. “Air Conditioning Appreciation Days” run simultaneously to celebrate the contribution of AC to a better way of life (and a really high electricity bill). It’s also “Stay Out of the Sun Day” (unless you’re working on your melanoma collection).

SUNDAY (the Fourth of July), is the official groundbreaking for the new 1,776-foot “Freedom Tower” skyscraper to be built at ‘ground zero’ in NYC, the location of the World Trade Center before 9/11. The  $1.5-billion tower is scheduled to open in 2009 and will become the ‘world’s tallest building’ … at least temporarily.

SUNDAY is the “Euro 2004″ final in Lisbon, when host country Portugal faces Czech Republic or Greece (check a scoreboard) for the whole shebang. Singer Nelly Furtado wrote the official song for the European soccer championship, “Forca” (Portuguese for ‘Strength’), and will perform it before the big game.

1958 [46] Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space” premieres, the movie many call the worst of all-time

1985 [19] Microsoft releases the 1st version of “Windows” but few computers are powerful enough to run it

1984 [20] Last person to go over Niagara Falls in a standard 55-gallon barrel is 35-year-old Karel Soucek of Hamilton ON who suffers only minor scrapes (daredevils are now usually arrested before they get to the brink of the falls – unless they just jump from the edge)

1982 [22] Using a lawn chair hoisted by 42 helium-filled weather balloons, Larry Walters slowly rises 16,000 ft over San Pedro CA

[Sat] 31st International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest (Eau Claire MI)
[Sat-July 25] 2004 Tour de France
[Sun] Independence Day (USA)
[Sun] National Country Music Day
[Mon] 50th Anniversary of Rock ‘n Roll (Memphis TN)
[Mon] Workaholics Day
[Mon] Caricom Day (aka Caribbean Day)
This Week Is . . . Canned Luncheon Meat Week (yum, have some of that clear jelly on toast!)
This Month Is . . . Baked Bean Month (whoa, pardon me!)


1. Tomato (70%)
2. Bacon (64%)
3. [TIE] Onion/Mustard (51%)
4. Cheese (40%)
5. Mayonnaise (34%)
– Newly-released Sterling Silver Premium Meats survey.

1. “The Matrix” (1999)
2. “The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” (2003)
3. “Pulp Fiction” (1994)
4. “The Shawshank Redemption” (1994)
5. “Fight Club” (1999)
– New “FHM” magazine survey.

1. Beyoncé (21%)
2. Jessica Simpson (17%)
3. Cameron Diaz (6%)
– poll.

Sometimes opportunity knocks when you’re just too damn tired to answer the door.

Today’s Question: 66% of us say we’ll have THIS with us on our summer vacations.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The Internet.

If you’re happy … don’t ask questions.

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