Thursday, July 31, 2003        Edition: #2591
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!
Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT reality TV reaches a whole new low with the hour-long FOX-TV special “101 Things Removed from the Human Body”, true stories of actual foreign objects removed from various human body orifices (if you’re gonna watch, plan to eat dinner much later!) . . . For that charge of using profanity while performing in Montego Bay, Jamaica’s “Reggae Sumfest”, Sean Paul faces a whoop-de-do fine of $20 – or equivalent community service . . . An illustration of how these things are pre-prepared years in advance – “NY Times” admits its lengthy Bob Hope obituary was written by one Vincent Canby – who died 3 YEARS AGO . . . Now the truth comes out – ‘Benifer’ (aka Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez) have admitted they’ve been purposefully giving out media misinformation about their upcoming wedding (we speak on behalf of many when we say – shuddup about it and just do it!) . . . Irish wildman actor Colin Farrell made this year’s notorious ‘H-List’, an annual confidential listing of the most ‘well-endowed’ men in Hollywood, so what could he possibly have been doing waiting outside the La Peer Surgery Center, an LA clinic specializing in penile enhancement surgery? (maybe ‘after’ pictures for brochures?) . . . Fed up with losing movie roles, rapper Heavy D (Dwight Myers) has managed to drop an amazing 135 lbs in the past year, but he says he won’t be changing his name (there’ll no ‘Skinny D’ in film credits).

FUTURE FILMS:
Britney Spears’ next movie finally has a title – “Trading Paint” – about a family that’s been in the NASCAR racing biz for years, but producers say there are no plans for Britney to either sing or race (we know she can’t act, so what WILL she be doing?) . . . Dennis Quaid will star in a remake of the 1965 drama “Flight of the Phoenix”, about a group of guys stranded in the desert after a plane crash who attempt to build a new plane out of the wreckage . . . Check out this cast of felons – Robert Downey Jr & Winona Ryder are being enlisted by Woody Allen for his next film which as usual has an undisclosed storyline & an undisclosed title . . . And Adam Sandler is looking at a new script from the screenwriters of “Bruce Almighty” about a guy who finds a universal remote that allows him to pause events in his life or fast-forward through them – it’s called “Click”.

IT’S NOT FAIR:
Women are up to 8 times more prone to knee injuries than men who play the same sports. According to the “Journal of Bone & Joint Surgery”, this especially applies to sports that involve jumping and pivoting, such as volleyball and basketball. Why? It may be due to less muscle protection. (Another study shows that it may be a result of ‘running like a girl’.)

CLASSICAL EVACUATION:
Beethoven’s 9th Symphony will be piped in to a multi-story parking garage in Stoke-on-Trent, England in an attempt to drive away homeless people who sleep there. The city council has voted to give the experiment a 2-month trial, during which the symphony will play in a continuous loop 24/7. (Sounds soothing. Why not try Bow Wow?)

FEWER BIG-HEADED IDIOTS:
Having a larger-size head and/or higher education reduces the chances of you suffering from dementia. University of South Florida gerontology prof James Mortimer claims you can have a small head with lots of education or you can have a large head with little education and you’re still protected. The only people who are not protected are the people with small heads and less education, he says. (From his padded cell.)

ALL MEN WANDER:
Men around-the-world share a universal craving – to have sex with more than one partner. That’s the finding of a massive survey of over 16,000 people in 52 countries on 6 continents published in the “Journal of Personality & Social Psychology”. (New divorce trial excuse – “I couldn’t help it, your honor. I was sociologically & psychologically predisposed.”)

WIFE TO LET:
A 35-year-old Wrexham UK man has been flooded with offers for his 30-year-old wife after putting her up for auction on the Internet. The ad reads in part: “The chassis is in excellent order for the mileage.” The bidding opened at 1 pound ($1.60). One of the better offers was a trade for an 8,000-pound ($13,000) motorcycle with the owner’s wife thrown in, which was turned down like all the others. But don’t get all sorry for the poor wife here. The stunt was actually HER idea while they were fooling around on their computer. “I was quite flattered by some of the offers,” she says. (What’s your spouse worth?)

OUT DOWN UNDER:
San Francisco-based gay travel magazine “Out & About” has named Sydney, Australia 2003′s best travel destination for gays. In making it’s choice, the mag cites the city’s nightlife, culture, beaches & friendly open welcome to gays. (Not too surprising – the place is named ‘Sydney’.)

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A 26-year-old woman has been hospitalized while vacationing in Corfu, Greece after being struck by lightning attracted to her face – by her tongue stud. She suffered severe blisters about the mouth. (Thank gawd she removed those OTHER studs earlier!)
• A Chinese man who was struck by lightning while out planting potatoes says it has helped to improve his memory. (For example, he now remembers it’s a bad idea to plant potatoes during a lightning storm.)
• A father in Seoul, South Korea became so angry that his 12-year-old daughter wouldn’t get off the Internet, he tossed the computer out their 12th-floor apartment window. It landed on a 4-year-old girl. She’s fine, but needless to say, the PC is toast.

BS AMAZING FACT:
Most bathing suits are purchased by people 18- to 24-years-old (that’s BLH … Before Love Handles).

THE BULL SHEET 07.31.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1962 [41] Wesley Snipes, Orlando FL, movie actor (“Blade I & II”, “US Marshals”, “Murder at 1600″)

1965 [38] JK (Joanne) Rowling, Yate ENG, mega-selling author of ‘Harry Potter’ series who’s sold millions of copies worldwide, translated into over 30 languages  NOTE: When the first ‘Harry Potter’ novel was written, the publisher asked her to use initials rather than her first name so boys wouldn’t be biased against a book written a woman

1966 [37] Dean Cain (Tanaka), Mt Clemens MI, TV host (“Ripley’s Believe It or Not”)/ex-TV ‘Superman’ (“Lois & Clark”) who was once signed by NFL’s Buffalo Bills, but a knee injury ended his football career

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the 3rd annual “National Orgasm Day”, first declared by British sex-toy store chain Ann Summers as a day for women to stake their claim to a full and satisfying sex life. A recent survey shows that fully 80% of women fake climaxes during intercourse. Thus, the slogan for Orgasm Day – Make It Not Fake It!
NET: http://www.annsummers.com

You’ve heard of “Cow Patty Bingo”? TODAY in downtown Toronto they’ll be playing “Moolette”. You just place a bet on one of 36 numbers on the 18-meter (60 ft) roulette board. If a cow leaves a nugget on your number, you win. The event, a publicity stunt organized by Dunlop Tires, is to raise awareness for Canada’s devastated beef industry, which is still trying to recover after a single cow was found to have Mad Cow Disease back in MAY. (Cool stunt for your station at a local fair or theme park!)

TODAY through Sunday is the 11th annual “Big Valley Jamboree” in Camrose AB, Canada’s largest country music festival. This year’s shebang includes Carolyn Dawn Johnson, Jo Dee Messina, Alan Jackson & oodles more.
PHONER: 888-404-1234/780-672-0224
NET: http://www.bigvalleyjamboree.com

TODAY-Sunday close to 15,000 rockers are expected for the 40th annual “Rockhound Gemboree” in Bancroft ON, Canada’s largest gem and mineral show which attracts collectors from around-the-world.
PHONER: 613-332-1513
NET: http://www.bancroftontario.com/index.cfm?vNavID=1&vSubNavID=4

SATURDAY is “National Mustard Day”, honoring the ‘condiment of kings’ and sponsored by the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum, home of the world’s largest collection of mustard memorabilia
PHONER: 800-438-6878/608-437-3986 (Barry Levenson-Mount Horeb WI)
NET: http://www.mustardweb.com/news&events/day/

You’ve heard the expression “the greatest thing since sliced bread”? So just how long has there been sliced bread? THIS MONTH the town of Chillicothe, Missouri is celebrating its distinction as being the first place in the world where sliced bread was sold to the public – 75 years ago. The claim was verified after the editor of the local paper uncovered a 1928 news story announcing that the Chillicothe Baking Co would be first to market wrapped loaves of sliced bread to grocery stores.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1893 [110] 1st patent for ‘shredded wheat’ (Henry Perky)

1922 [81] 1st ‘water skis’ (Ralph Samuelson-MN)

1996 [07] Alanis Morissette kicks off her 1st big-time Canadian tour at Vancouver’s GM Place

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1955 [48] Toronto’s 17-year-old Marilyn Bell becomes ‘youngest to swim the English Channel’

BS MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[Aug 1] Respect for Parents Day / Rounds Resounding Day / “Gigli “ & “American Wedding“ open in movie theaters / National Ukrainian Festival [Dauphin MB]
[Aug 2] World Championship Bunnock Championship [Macklin SK] / National Ice Cream Sandwich Day / Mosquito Awareness Weekend
[Aug 3] National Mustard Day / 2003 Pro Football Hall of Fame Enshrinement Ceremony / National Park Day / Watermelon Day / Sisters Day
[Aug 4] Holiday in 7 provinces & NWT (BC Day, Heritage Day, Civic Holiday, Simcoe Day, etc)
[Aug 5] 20th National Night Out
[Aug 6] Fresh Breath Day / Wiggle Your Toes Day / Halfway Point of Summer / Teen Choice Awards
[Aug 7] Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
[Aug 8] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night / “SWAT“ opens in movie theaters
[Aug 9] Book Lovers Day / International Art Appreciation Day / Hand Holding Day / Garage Sale Day / 7th Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run [Vancouver]
[Aug 10] S’mores Day / Spoil Your Dog Day
[Aug 11] Daughter’s Day / Dog Days of Summer end / Spike TV debuts
[Aug 12] Middle Child’s Day / International Youth Day / Truck Drivers Day
[Aug 13] International Left Handers Day
[Aug 14] Senior Citizens Day / Financial Awareness Day
[Aug 15] National Relaxation Day / National Failures Day / “Freddy vs Jason” opens in movie theaters
[Aug 17] National Thriftshop Day / Homeless Animals Day
[Aug 18] Bad Poetry Day / Discovery Day [Yukon]
[Aug 19] Stay Home With Your Kids Day
[Aug 20] Potato Day / National Radio Day
[Aug 21] National Spumoni Day
[Aug 22] Tooth Fairy Day
[Aug 24] Single Parent Family Day
[Aug 25] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Aug 26] Make Your Own Luck Day / Women’s Equality Day
[Aug 27] Petroleum Day / Mars makes closest-ever pass by Earth
Aug 27-Sept 7] Montréal World Film Festival
[Aug 28] 20th MTV Video Music Awards
[Aug 29] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Aug 29-31] Watershed 4 Festival (Walkerton ON)
[Aug 30] Toasted Marshmallow Day
[Aug 31] Trail Mix Day / Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Sept 1] Labor Day
[Sept 3] 4th Latin Grammy Awards
[Sept 4-13] Toronto International Film Festival
[Sept 8] Canadian Country Music Awards

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:

• When you form a rock band, do you draw straws to decide which one gets to play without a shirt?
• If you wear glasses, isn’t everything you see an optical illusion?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• If a tree falls in the forest and hits a mime, does he make a sound?
• Do married women make the best wives?

BS TRIVIA:
Can you name the 15 areas of the human body that generate smells? [According to Unilever R&D Director Judy Rahn they are – underarms, feet, inner elbows, hands, backs of knees, groin, back, chest, scalp & neck. Obviously there are some parts you have 2 of.]
Source: “Globe & Mail”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 72% of people do THIS before they even greet their spouse when they get home.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Greet their pet.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.


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