July 30, 2003

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Wednesday, July 30, 2003        Edition: #2590
We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

It may have been a “Feel Good Time” but Pink is denying reports she had a ‘lesbian fling’ with Christina Aguilera at her 23rd birthday party (uh, did anyone actually ask?) . . . Wacky “Chicago” actress Renee Zellweger has reportedly hired a ‘psychic expert’ (aka ghostbuster) to get rid of a spirit named ‘Lillian’ that’s haunting her new $2-million mansion in NY’s Hamptons . . . At the opening of the new Borgata Hotel in Atlantic City NJ, 63-year-old perpetual casino entertainer Tom Jones was inducted into the “Gaming Hall of Fame” (there’s a hall of fame for gambling?) . . . . Michael Jackson has a new deal to put his name on a new men’s clothing line by Wakita of Japan (the only place he’s not considered nauseating … so far) . . . Boxing wildman Mike Tyson has settled with a pregnant stripper with a heart condition who was suing him for pushing her over in a Vegas lapdancing club – paying her a lousy $8,800 (he’s not just a jerk, he’s a cheap jerk!) . . . And according to the UK’s “Sun” tabloid, 2 fans pulled back the curtain on a changing room in an LA clothing store and found out that Justin Timberlake likes to go ‘commando’ – sans underwear.

• ‘Seeding’ – A fashion industry term for nurturing demand for new designs by encouraging celebrities to wear them. For instance, “Sex & the City” actress Sarah Jessica Parker and
singer Avril Lavigne have been spotted wearing Disney’s new line of vintage Mickey Mouse apparel.
• ‘Flash-Mobbing’ – The sudden but well-planned appearance of a large group of people in a public place. The crowd acts out a pre-planned, often bizarre script and then abruptly disappears. It’s sort of part-practical joke, part-performance art. Mobs are created and coordinated by Websites and e-mail.
• ‘Scam-Baiting’ – A new Internet pastime in which you actually encourage e-mail scammers to interact with you by using a free e-mail account under a phony name (ie: Hotmail). The aim is to frustrate, humiliate, and thoroughly demoralize fraud artists by monopolizing their time with disinformation. Several Websites offer ‘how-to’ tips.
NET: http://www.geocities.com/a_kerenx/

For her new book, “A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break Their Marriages”, Marymount Manhattan College gender studies professor Susan Shapiro Barash interviewed 120 women who cheated on their husbands. Perhaps surprisingly, 90% said they felt no guilt whatsoever. In fact, most felt entitled to cheat because they had been so unhappy in their marriages. 65% of the cheating women claimed the sex was better with a lover than with their husbands, but 45% remained married despite their affairs. (To continue the torture of the self-centered bastards they married.)

Research reported in the “British Journal of Ophthalmology“ shows that a tight necktie raises blood pressure in the eye, a leading factor in the development of glaucoma which can lead to loss of vision. In tests, fully 70% of healthy volunteers exhibited increased eye pressure after wearing a tight tie. (Whoever came up with the idea that a noose around your neck was fashionable?)

According to a new poll in the upcoming issue of “TV Guide”, 57% of viewers say TV is more offensive than ever, and 71% say they’ve switched channels because they were offended by something. 17% are offended by ‘graphic violence’, 9% are turned off by ‘bodily functions’, 8% by ‘foul language’, and 6% dislike ‘nudity or sexual innuendo’. 48% are offended by ‘all of the above’. Interestingly, only 8% have ever bothered to call a TV station or network to complain.

Carol Page has started up a Website that promotes cell phone etiquette. Her top cell phone turn-offs –
• Annoying and obtrusive ring tones, especially songs.
• Yelling. Phones are essentially mini-microphones, you don’t need to shout.
• Conducting overly personal conversations in public places. (“… and the doctor pulled out a bloody cyst the size of your fist …”)
NET: http://www.cellmanners.com/index2.htm

Professor Priscilla Alderson, an expert in childhood studies at London’s Institute of Education, says that children diagnosed with ‘behavioral disorders’ such as hyperactivity and Attention Deficit Disorder are often just high-spirited kids who need to let off steam. She believes these so-called ‘conditions’ are being over-diagnosed. The real problem is often just bad parenting or unethical psychologists looking to make a quick buck. (Ever notice ‘hyperactive kids’ rarely listen to parents who yell at them all the time?)

New research shows that anti-depressants may help compulsive shoppers (aka women). In recent tests, the anti-depressant drug citalopram was tested on people who’d been ‘binge shopping’ for years. Two-thirds reported their urge to compulsively shop was reduced. (Unfortunately side effects can include diarrhea, jaundice, ankle pain, rabies, acne, and addiction to reality TV.)

• A Romanian couple is planning to divorce after they bumped into each other at a seaside resort – while both were pretending to be elsewhere. (I think I saw this movie.)
• A retired carpenter in Portugal plans to be buried in a wooden replica of his Mercedes 220 dream car which he built over the past year. He says it’s quite roomy on the inside. (Hate to be one of his pallbearers!)
• 77-year-old animal lover Jean Washington of Vernon Hills IL has been laid to rest in – a pet cemetery. Her family decided it was the best compromise because they just couldn’t follow through with her first choice – to have her remains taken to the zoo … and fed to the lions.
• In Spain, a man accidentally left a $20,000 Salvador Dali drawing in the back of a taxi. (The search for the drawing was delayed several hours while he tried to describe it to the police.)
• What may be the 1st publicly funded high school specifically for gay, lesbian, bisexual & transgender students is being set up in NYC. (This isn’t new – English boarding schools have been around for hundreds of years!)

• The hyoid bone that supports your tongue is the only bone in the body not connected to another bone. (Unless you just inhaled some KFC.)
• A new study presented at an STD conference in Ottawa says that 25% of North Americans now test positive for the virus that causes genital herpes. (It’s the gift that keeps on giving!)


1947 [56] Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thal, Austria, movie actor (“Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”, “Batman & Robin”)/Mr Maria Shriver/5-time ‘Mr Universe’/1st private citizen to own a Humvee (Hummer)  UP NEXT: California governor?

1961 [42] Laurence Fishburne, Augusta GA, movie actor (Morpheus-“Matrix” trilogy, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”)

1963 [40] Lisa Kudrow, Encino CA, $1 million-per-episode TV actress (Phoebe Buffay-“Friends” since 1994)

1964 [39] Vivica A Fox, Indianapolis IN, movie actress (“Soul Food”, “Independence Day”)  NEXT MOVIE: The Quentin Tarantino crime thriller “Kill Bill”, opening OCTOBER 10th.

1971 [32] Tom Green, Pembroke ON, bad movie actor (“Stealing Harvard”, “Freddy Got Fingered”)/TV comic (“New Tom Green Show”-MTV)/ex-Mr Drew Barrymore

1972 [31] Brad Hargreaves, Marin County CA, rock drummer/vocalist (Third Eye Blind-“Blinded [When I See You]“, “How’s It Going to Be”)

1974 [29] Hilary Swank, Lincoln NE, movie actress (“Insomnia”, 2000 Oscar-“Boys Don’t Cry”)

TODAY the “Molson Canadian Rocks for Toronto Concert” (being called ‘SARSstock’) is expected to draw some 450,000 to Toronto’s Downsview Park to see the Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Rush, Flaming Lips, Justin Timberlake, and a slew of other acts. It’s designed to help bring tourism back to the city following the recent SARS outbreak. Proceeds benefit the Health Care Workers and Hospitality Workers Relief Funds. By the numbers –
• Molson paid about $5 million to sponsor the event.
• There are 500 food concessions & 10 beer tents.
• Food on site includes 250,000 hot dogs, 250,000 Alberta beef burgers, and more than 200,000 liters of mustard, relish & ketchup.
• There are 3,500 portable toilets (1 for every 123 people) equipped with 1,546 km of toilet paper & 600 hand-washing stations.
• More than 20,000 people will be employed on-site, including 1,250 police officers, 1,450 private security guards (rent-a-cops) & 500 emergency services workers.
• CBC-TV and MuchMoreMusic will broadcast the event.

TODAY is the 1st-ever “National Foreplay Day”, the day before “National Orgasm Day”, which was first declared 2 years ago to help women enjoy better sex.

TODAY is “International Cheesecake Day”, a day to indulge yourself in one of the most
decadent of all desserts. (Or does it have to do with photography?)

2002 “Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire” (the 4th book) is released in bookstores

1898 [105] 1st ‘Corn Flakes’ invented by Will Kellogg (Battle Creek MI)

1898 [105] 1st ‘car ad’ as Winston Motorcar Co invites readers of “Scientific American” magazine to ‘Dispense with a horse!’

1908 [95] 1st ‘Around-the-World Automobile Race’ ends in Paris FRA

1930 [73] 1st ‘World Cup’ soccer final (Uruguay over Argentina 4-2 in Montevideo)

1952 [51] The ‘dean of soap operas’, daytime drama “The Guiding Light”, 1st airs on CBS-TV

1962 [41] 1st traffic on ‘Trans-Canada Highway’ (longest in North America at 7,307 km or 4,384 miles)

1988 [15] Ronald Dossenbach begins record ‘bike ride across Canada’ (Vancouver to Halifax in 13 days)

1998 [05] A then-world-record Powerball jackpot of $295.7 million is won by a group of 13
machinists in Westerville OH who choose the lump-sum payment option of $161.5 million

[Thurs] National Orgasm Day
[Fri] Respect for Parents Day
[Sat] Mosquito Awareness Weekend
[Sun] Sisters Day
[Mon] Holiday in 7 provinces & NT
[Tues] 20th National Night Out
[Wed] Halfway Point of Summer
This Week Is . . . Salad Week
This Month Is . . . Get Along With Your Ex- Month (In one poll, 70% of divorced people say they would have casual sex with their ex-. Is that ‘getting along’?)


The week’s most requested music files online –
1. Chingy – “Right Thurr”
2. Lil’ Kim – “Magic Stick”
3. Mya – “My Love Is Like … Whoa”
4. Linkin Park – “Faint”
5. Black Eyed Peas – “Where Is The Love?”
Source: Big Champagne

• What is ‘capsaicin’?
a. A ritual suicide in ancient China.
b. The heating agent in hot peppers. [CORRECT]
c. The technical name for the injury suffered by a man who gets caught in his zipper.

• What’s a ‘hmuh’?
a) That little tuft of feathers atop a quail’s head. [CORRECT]
b) A yogic chant common to India.
c) A backwards hum.

• What is your ‘buccal cavity’?
a. Your eye socket.
b. The inside of your mouth. [CORRECT]
c. Your armpit.

• What is an ‘octotroph’?
a. A 3-dimensional graph created on PowerPoint.
b. An 8-bar chorus that’s repeated throughout a symphony.
c. The number symbol found on the ‘pound key’ of your phone (#). [CORRECT]

• Wednesday morning and everybody’s here. It looks like a funeral directors convention.
• I’ve got to get another alarm clock. Three times this month I’ve gotten to work early.

“What’s your favorite type of ethnic food?” (In a new poll 42% pick Italian, 22% say Mexican, 17% like Chinese, and 8% are fans of French cuisine.)

Today’s Question: Half of women polled say that if you do THIS on a daily basis, you’ll enjoy more frequent ‘between the sheets’ action.                                   
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Use hair conditioner.

Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Edition of “BS”!

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