Monday, July 28, 2003        Edition: #2588
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• According to “National Enquirer”, screen legend Katharine Hepburn has left an estate estimated at upwards of $50 million. The famously frugal Hepburn invested much of her earnings from her Hollywood career and also pocketed a reported $4.25 million for her best-selling 1991 autobiography “Me: Stories of My Life”, but much of the fortune is made up of priceless movie memorabilia that was hidden away in her Connecticut home – costumes and props from classic movies such as “The African Queen”, plus her 4 Oscars and numerous other awards.
• Get ready for another big fight on the set of “The West Wing”. “NY Post” says stars Allison Janney, Richard Schiff, Bradley Whitford & John Spencer are about to demand yet another raise, despite having their salaries doubled 2 years ago and having 3 years left on their current contracts. The so-called ‘West Wing Four’ now get $90,000 per episode but are said to be ready to walk if it isn’t increased to $150,000. They’re apparently peeved at what Martin Sheen gets to play the prez – $300,000 per episode! (And maybe beginning to realize the show won’t last 3 more years?)
• “Star” reports another weird reality TV show is being developed in Britain, where most of them seem to originate. “Celebrity Squat” would have D-list celebrities attempt to live like homeless people. Needless to say, the idea of turning homelessness into entertainment has already come under fire from several advocacy groups. (Oh … I thought “Celebrity Squat” had something to do with hidden cameras in … never mind.)
• “Daily Record” reports that Madonna was pulled over in her black Mercedes in Beverly Hills when a cop spotted that neither she nor her driver were wearing seatbelts. Seems that, even at 44, she still has the magic touch, convincing the cop to let her off and avoid a $25 fine. (Otherwise she threatened to make another movie.)
• Wow, what a surprise! “E! Online!“ reports that Liza Minnelli has separated from her husband David Gest after a year of wedded bliss, lawsuits and general weirdness. They wed in March 2002. Her publicist will reveal no other details. Minnelli & Gest have canceled their scheduled appearance on TONIGHT’S edition of CNN’s “Larry King Live”. (Too bad, that could’ve been an exciting cat fight!)
• “Daily Dish” says Eminem is so afraid of being hit by gangland enemies, he’s hired 6 former CIA bodyguards to protect him (at $160,000 each) and wears a bullet-proof vest wherever he goes. Word is he stepped up his security LAST MONTH after a feud he started with Ja Rule over the airwaves escalated.
• “PeopleNews” says the famously feuding Jackson family will gather for a rare show of unity to celebrate the birthday of patriarch Joe Jackson NEXT MONTH. Guests will reportedly include Justin Timberlake and rumor has it Michael Jackson’s ex-, Lisa Marie Presley, will also attend. (In honor of his 75th, tyrannical Joe will smack his kids once for each year.)
• And thanks to “Weekly World News” we learn that “3000-Year-Old Priestess Revived in Top Secret Lybia Lab!”, “Stars Are Holes in a Tin Roof … There Is No Universe!”, “Women’s Hot Flashes Cause Global Warming!”, “Granny Builds Super Biceps Playing Slot Machines!”, “Crop Circles Appear on White House Lawn!”, “Women Plotting to Take Over the World!”, and – this seems likely – “French Hid Saddam’s Nukes Under Eiffel Tower!”

FIRST THING’S THE BEST THING:
A study in “First for Women” magazine concludes that if you want the best odds for sticking with an exercise program, you should work out between 6 and 10am. 75% of those surveyed who exercised in the morning were still at it 12 months later, while only 25% of pm exercisers lasted a year. (Radio’s the opposite. You’re really lucky to work 6-10 and last a year!)

SUMMER VACATION MAKES YOU STUPID:
Scientist Siegfried Lehrl of the University of Erlangen & Nuremberg in Germany says sunbathing and relaxation lowers your IQ. In fact, he claims, 14 days of complete rest can be enough to bring your IQ down by 20 points. Lehrl says vacationers should avoid getting bored, since boredom affects intelligence. He recommends a daily round of backgammon or taking a book along to the beach in order to stay smart. (Wouldn’t you rather be stupid and relaxed than a stressed smart-ass?)

DUSTING OFF A RELATIONSHIP:
“Woman’s Own” magazine advises that marriages promptly go south when a husband retires and then doesn’t help with household chores – especially if his wife is still working. On the plus side, studies show that if a man retires because he longs for more family time and does a share of the housework, the marriage often gets even better. (Marriage truly sucks … it always comes down to vacuuming.)

YOUNGER’S BETTER?
With Cameron Diaz 8 years older than toyboy Justin Timberlake, and Demi Moore fully 15 years older than boyfriend Ashton Kutcher, dating younger guys has become trendy. A new survey for “New Woman” magazine finds that 40% of women polled have dated someone younger at least once. Some other findings –
• 75% of those who’ve dated younger men say the guys were at least 5 years younger, while 20% say the age gap was at least 10 years.
• 70% admit that dating younger guys led to extra concerns about their personal appearance.
• 65% of those who had flings with younger men say they are better in bed.
• A majority of women polled say there just aren’t enough men their own age to date.

DIMINISHED FREQUENCY:
The average engaged woman has sex 2.9 times a week, according to “Bride” magazine. But once she’s married that number slumps to about 2.9 times a year. (Either way, a lot of women complain about the ‘point 9′.)

IT’S A WACK WORLD:
• Police in Berlin, Germany have shut down a laundromat after they found it was actually a front for a brothel. (You know what tipped them off? Men doing laundry!)
• Police in Toulouse, France evacuated the airport then blew up a knapsack they thought contained the plastic explosive Semtex. It turned out to be – a roll of puff pastry. (Which ain’t so puffy anymore.)
• Students at a school in India who were struck by lightning have recovered after villagers covered their bodies with – cow dung. (BS … the ultimate cure-all!)
• An Indonesian maid has been sentenced to 10 weeks of jail in Singapore for lacing the tea and coffee she served her employers – with her own urine. (Strangely enough, the coffee tasted better.)
• A new hotel in Manhattan called WJ is marketing itself as the ‘world’s smallest full-service hotel’, with rooms that are just 7 ft by 11 ft. (It caters to ex-cons. WJ stands for ‘Wee John’?)
• Cashless parking meters activated by mobile phones are being tested in Sydney, Australia. (Every parking meter is cashless if you carry around a paper bag with ‘out of order’ written on it.)

IS THIS CRUEL?
A San Diego-based business called “Baby Ink Tattoo” is marketing tattoos – for toddlers. Legally anyone can get body art as long as a parent or guardian signs a consent form, however Baby Ink says it will not work on anyone under 6 months of age as their sensitive skin doesn’t react well to ink. The discomfort from a tattoo varies depending on its size, location and the child’s threshold for pain. Baby Ink claims its artists use a specially designed ‘Junior Needle’ that is smaller and less intrusive than those used on adults. It must be popular because several new locations have opened in other cities. (Anyone who would do this to their kid should have their parenting license taken away!)
NET: http://www.BabyInk.com

BS AMAZING FACT:
Only 10% of men will admit to ever paying for sex. (Wait a sec … does marriage count?)

THE BULL SHEET 07.28.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAY . . .
1945 [58] Jim Davis, Marian IN, really rich cartoonist (“Garfield”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Milk Chocolate Day”, an excuse for chocoholics everywhere to cow down!

TODAY is “Accountants Day”, honoring those people who seem to know the cost of everything but the value of nothing. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An auditor, on the other hand, is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Here’s a promotion worth ripping off in your market – over the weekend the 1st ever “Mobile Phone Olympics” were staged in London ENG as part of the “Sprite Urban Games”, an annual cult street-sports event. More than 15,000 competitors used a Sony Ericsson T310 to compete in 4 events –
• Text Messaging: Copy an 80-character message including spaces & punctuation, then send it to judges’ handsets as quickly as possible.
• MMS Messaging: Send a message that includes photo and text to judges as fast as possible.
• Mobile Gaming: Rack up as many points as possible in 2 minutes.
• Mobile Phone Hurling: Fling the phone as far as possible from a standing start.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1973 [30] 600,000 attend rock festival at Watkins Glen NY featuring the Grateful Dead, the Allman Bros & The Band (this WEDNESDAY’S Rolling Stones SARS concert in Toronto is now expected to attract about 430,000)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1786 [217] John Molson 1st announces he will begin a brewery in Montréal

1900 [103] 1st ‘hamburger’, according to some sources, is invented by Louis Lassing of New Haven CT (although the name comes from a sandwich popular in Hamburg, Germany)

1933 [70] 1st ‘singing telegram’ is delivered to singer Rudy Vallee on his 32nd birthday in NYC (now you can send balloon-a-grams, candygrams, cookie-grams, stripper-grams …)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1962 [41] Paul Henderson of Omaha NE survives a record 303 consecutive roller coaster rides

1979 [24] A cushioned egg dropped from the top of Toronto’s 1800-ft CN Tower lands unbroken

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Lasagna Day
[Wed] Cheesecake Day
[Wed] National Foreplay Day
[Thurs] National Orgasm Day
This Week Is . . . Animal Agriculture Week (thank-a-sheep week)
This Month Is . . . Child Support Enforcement Month (down with deadbeats!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:

• Aries – Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t worry, you can’t make an omelette without a silver lining.
• Taurus – There’s no end to what you will accomplish today. Unfortunately, there’s no beginning either.
• Gemini – Today you will be mooned by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t even notice.
• Cancer – Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate for the occasion.
• Leo – Show your individuality by packing an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf soup for lunch. Odds are co-workers will let you have an entire cafeteria table to yourself.
• Virgo – The stars indicate this is a great day to be annoying. Call the Home Shopping Channel and order a pizza.
• Libra – You are being stalked by an invisible mutant. Or at least, you’ll find this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
• Scorpio – Today is an excellent day to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. By the time they notice they’re missing, you’ll be long gone!
• Sagittarius – If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ‘em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit too. That’s always fairly effective.
• Capricorn – Be courteous to everyone today. You never know who might show up on the jury.
• Aquarius – Quit worrying that you tower over your boyfriend. Remember, it is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
• Pisces – Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just be careful!

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Whose posters did you have on your wall when you were growing up?
• “Glamour” magazine features an article about women who have pet names – for their breasts. Ask women to call in with theirs. ([Co-host’s] are called “Don’t touch!”)
• “What’s the most creative name for a business you’ve seen?” (An accounting firm named  ‘Brilliant Deductions’, a plumbing company called Royal Flush’, etc.)

BS MONDAY MORNING CSI:
A man lies dead in his bed. There are no signs of foul play outside of the body – no bruises, marks, signs of a scuffle, etc. Next to the man lies a pair of scissors which were used to murder him. So how was he killed? (CSI observes that he’s lying in a waterbed and deduces that the killer punctured the water bed with the scissors – and the man drowned!)

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Over the weekend I was knocked down in the mall parking lot and all my cash and credit cards were taken. It’s always the same, when my wife gets it in her head to go shopping …

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 1 in 5 men claim they did THIS before they got married.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Proposed on one knee.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
Welcome aboard to new subscriber Art Fernandez Jr @ KDLK Del Rio TX and BS samplers this week that include Troy Kelly @ KISS Medford OR, Kyle Duncan @ KLYT Albuquerque NM, Rod Liechti @ KKBI Broken Bow OK, Buzz Craven @ WGRL Indianapolis IN, Brad @ The Edge in Auckland NZ, Win Patton @ KICM Ardmore OK, and Eric Chase @ WPYO Orlando FL.

Monthly Planning Calendar in this THURSDAY’S “BS”!


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