Wednesday, July 23, 2003        Edition: #2585
Can You Believe This Sheet?

Nicole Kidman, who’s currently renting Lenny Kravitz’s NYC apartment for $40,000 a month while her own $7-million hovel is being renovated, has reportedly been delighting the neighbors by wandering around naked – with the curtains wide open (nothing she didn’t show us in “Eyes Wide Shut”) . . . Poor Mariah Carey was left underwhelmed by her recent arrival in Tokyo – only 8 fans were waiting to greet her at the airport (and 3 of them were expecting DREW Carey) . . . Anthony Fox, “Pirates of the Carribean” star Johnny Depp’s partner in the notorious LA nightclub the Viper Room, has disappeared while in the process of suing Depp for allegedly fixing the books and police reportedly have no clues (argh, check the bottom of the sea, maties!) . . . Movie actress Renee Zellweger’s moved to NY’s tony Hamptons and managed to unload her Hollywood hacienda to “Will & Grace” star Debra Messing – for close to $7.5 million . . . Eminem has sent a thank-you note to “Harry Potter” author JK Rowling for writing “such a great read” (wow, what a gangsta!) . . . 46-year-old “American Idol” judge Randy Jackson has reportedly undergone a gastric bypass procedure called the ‘Fobi Pouch’ in an attempt to reduce his weight (Simon Cowell should try a lobotomy to reduce the size of his head) . . . And Jennifer Lopez is reportedly demanding Ben Affleck’s $11-million salary from their new movie “Gigli” (JEE-lee) if they split up before their SEPTEMBER wedding, as well as half his paycheck from any film roles he accepts while they’re together if he calls the wedding off, but sources claim Affleck is unlikely to sign the so-called ‘palimony pre-nup’ that her lawyers are drawing up (aka ‘extortion’).

• ‘Rent-A-Dread’ – The practice of female tourists hiring gigolos who work the beaches of Caribbean islands such as Jamaica, Barbados & Tobago. The young guys ‘court’ women in exchange for money, gifts, or possibly even marriage.
• ‘Bright’ – A new term for ‘atheist’, the equivalent of calling a homosexual ‘gay’. The California wisenheimers that dreamt it up figure that people who are reluctant to be labelled an atheist might be happy to come out as ‘bright’.
• ‘Customers-in-Training’ – According to the “Wall Street Journal”, this is what some really sick marketing types are now calling … children.

If you’re like us, you hate ‘em but didn’t know what to call ‘em – those high intensity glistening blue headlights are officially known as ‘xenon headlights’ after the gas used to create the light. They’ve become the latest automotive lighting craze, popping up in an increasing number of new vehicles and being retrofitted into older ones. They emit more light, especially toward the side of the road, while using less energy than standard halogen bulbs. The problem with them is – they can be blinding to oncoming motorists. High intensity headlamp glare is currently being investigated but don’t expect xenons to disappear anytime soon – they apparently meet federal government standards. (Just one more reason to hate people with Bimmers.)

Doctors in Vienna, Austria have carried out the first successful – human tongue transplant. An unidentified 42-year-old man (known only as ‘Can-taw-ly-dis’) suffering from a malignant tumor affecting his tongue and jaw underwent a 14-hour operation in which doctors removed the tumor and attached the new tongue. Hmm … wonder where IT came from? (A first? What are they talking about? We used to get tongue transplants all the time from ‘Loose Lucy’ back in high school.)

The ‘Pet Stroller’ for dogs was introduced about a year ago. Now the manufacturer is set to unveil the new ‘SUV Pet Stroller’ that will allow pet owners with larger dogs to take their animals on the ultimate walk. How lazy does your dog have to be for you to buy it a buggy? The idea is to provide transportation for older animals who can no longer handle a daily walk. The strollers retail for $129 to $189. (How embarrassing when some old busybody stops you and exclaims, “Oh your baby looks just like you!”)

British inventor Mike Ramsey has come up with a device for finding lost golf balls. The ‘Ballfinder’ works by emitting ultra-violet light which is reflected by the golf ball back to a handset. It makes beeping sounds which get closer together as Ballfinder gets closer to the ball. Ramsey says his gizmo only needs to ‘see’ 1% of the ball’s surface to find it, and can detect a ball from 10 meters or about 33 feet. (For golfers like [co-host] it has a special locator screen that flashes ‘Way the Hell Out There in the Woods!’.)

Australian astronomer (would that be an ‘Austronomer’?) Simon Driver has completed the most accurate calculation ever of the number of stars in the universe – 70 sextillion … or 70 thousand million million million. Put in perspective, that’s more than every grain of sand on all the beaches and deserts on Earth. How’d he get to that number? His research team used powerful telescopes to count galaxies in one region of the universe close to Earth, then measured each galaxy’s brightness to estimate the number of stars, and then extrapolated this number to cover the visible universe. (‘Extrapolated’ … that’s a big word for ‘guessed’.)

Spaniards are among Europe’s biggest tobacco addicts but a local messaging company is helping to change that by sending periodic text messages of encouragement to people trying to quit smoking. The service is free of charge and includes little cheerleading phrases such as “Come on, you can do it!”, “Lay off the cigarettes!”, and even “Have a cold shower!”. They are sent at times when willpower is most likely to ebb. (How do THEY know when you just had sex?)

Dr Renee Gilbert, a psychologist and shyness expert in Seattle, says as many as 50% of us describe ourselves as shy. But don’t feel all alone – she’s studied the personality traits of famous folks and found that Albert Einstein, Orville Wright & Thomas Edison were notoriously shy. Among entertainers, her long list of notably shy celebs includes Bob Dylan, Elvis Presley, Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt and – hard to believe – Cher. “While shyness challenges us and makes our lives more difficult, it does not have to rule our lives,” she said. (Before pulling down her hat and skulking out the door.)

• A German driver crashed his car into a truck on an autobahn when a pair of underwear thrown from another vehicle landed on his face and blocked his view. No one was hurt, but police say that if he’s found, the owner of the underwear will be charged with failing to stop at the scene of an accident. (As well as excessive skid marks.)
• Italian police have arrested a couple for growing marijuana plants – on their son’s grave. The 66-year-old father and 57-year-old mother say they thought the cemetery would be a safe place and nobody would notice the illegal plants. (The stuff must have been potent – their son saw God!)
• Under a new proposal called ‘restorative justice’, criminals in the UK could avoid court if they agree to apologize personally to their victims. (“I am truly sorry about the beheading …”)

• Americans eat more than 20 billion burgers each year. That’s 59% of all sandwiches consumed!
• The average American eats about 11.9 lbs of cereal per year. (And if you buy ‘Cap’n Choco Extra Sugar Spidey Treats’, your kid’ll do it in a single morning!)


1961 [42] Woody Harrelson, Midland TX, movie actor (“Anger Management”, “White Men Can’t Jump”)/former TV actor (Emmy Award-“Cheers”)

1968 [35] Gary Payton, Oakland CA, NBA star newly signed by LA Lakers who, along with 2 other players, is facing assault charges over an altercation outside a Toronto strip club in APRIL

1973 [30] Monica Lewinsky, San Francisco CA, infamous former White House intern/sometime TV host (“Mr Personality”)

1980 [23] Michelle Williams, Rockford IL, pop singer who joined Destiny’s Child in 2000 (“Independent Women Part 1″, “Survivor”)

1989 [14] Daniel Radcliffe, Fulham ENG, movie actor (“Harry Potter” movies) whose $110,000-fee for the 1st pic jumped to $3 million for the 2nd one

TODAY is “Hot Enough For Ya? Day”, when it should be legal to assault anyone who asks you the overused, plain-as-the-end-of-your-sweat-dripping-nose question. It might be cause for murder in Phoenix AZ, where one of the worst heat waves on record has taken temps as high as 117 F (47 C) over the past week. It’s reportedly so hot that rubber flip-flops stick to the sidewalk and a woman who fainted face-down on the pavement was rushed to hospital and treated for – burns. Now THAT’S hot!

THURSDAY-August 4th The annual “Vancouver International Comedy Festival” guffaws & titters with international comedians yucking it up in various venues.
PHONER: 604-683-0883 (Joan Churchill)

FRIDAY-Sunday you better take along some Mentos if you’re heading to the 25th annual “Gilroy Garlic Festival” in Gilroy CA, highlighted by the ‘Garlic Queen Pageant’ (only beauty queen who really IS a virgin).
PHONER: 408-842-1625

2002 Pope John Paul II arrives in Toronto for 11-day “World Youth Day” celebration that includes an estimated 700,000 young pilgrims from over 150 countries

1999 [04] 3-day “Woodstock ‘99″ festival, marking the 30th anniversary of the original, kicks off at an old military base in Rome NY (ends in a melee of flames and vandalism, virtually guaranteeing there’ll never be another)

776BC [2779] 1st ‘Olympics’ in Greece consists of a single 200-meter race – by naked runners!

1904 [99] 1st ‘ice cream cone’ created when Charles Menches runs out of cups at St Louis Exposition and uses a rolled up waffle from another vendor

1982 [21] ‘Diet Coke’ 1st marketed (so you can order TWO burgers with biggie fries)

1995 [08] Spanish cyclist Miguel Indurain wins Tour de France a record 5th time – in-a-row

2000 [03] Tiger Woods becomes youngest golfer to win golf’s ‘Grand Slam’ (The Masters, US Open, British Open & PGA Championship) – at age 24

[Today] Zodiac sign Leo the Lion begins
[1 week today] Rolling Stones SARS Concert (Toronto)
[Thurs] Virtual Love Day
[Sat] Aunt & Uncle Day
[Sun] Pile of Bones Picnic (Regina)
[Sun] 2003 Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony
[Mon] Accountants Day
This Week Is . . . National Salad Week
This Month Is . . . July Belongs To Berries Month


• You’re a friendly telephone techie who needs to ‘calibrate the phone line’. You need to transfer your victim to the ‘automated phone testing system’ where they’ll be asked to repeat a few words.
• Call a lawyer’s office and ask, “Maybe I could take a fall and make some cash?” Try bribing the secretary.
• Call a fast food joint and attempt to make dinner reservations.
• You’re an immigration officer calling to tell a guy his new wife has arrived … from Thailand. Of course he’ll deny it … that’s what all the perverts do. So how exactly did this Thai woman get his phone number if he’s never been to Thailand on an ‘adventure vacation’?

The week’s most requested file trades online …
1.Chingy – “Right Thurr”
2. Michelle Branch – “Are You Happy Now?”
3. Black Eyed Peas – “Where Is The Love?”
4. Fabolous – “Into You”
5. 50 Cent – “21 Questions”
Source: Big Champagne

Things have sure changed since movies had terse little monosyllabic titles like “Jaws”. Thanks in part to sequel after sequel, nowadays they seem to be getting longer and longer. Get your studio guest or phone contestant to attempt to finish these big-ass movie names –
• “Pirates of the Caribbean” … [the Curse of the Black Pearl”]
• “Sinbad … [Legend of the Seven Seas”]
• “Spy Kids 2 … [The Island of Lost Dreams”]
• “Dumb and Dumberer … [When Harry Met Lloyd”]                          
• “Terminator 3 … [Rise of the Machines”]
• “Star Wars: Episode II … [Attack of the Clones”]
• “Legally Blonde 2 … [Red, White and Blonde”]
• “Harry Potter and the Chamber … [of Secrets”]
• “X2 … [X-Men United”]
• “Final Fantasy … [The Spirits Within”]
Source: Box Office Mojo

Forget those bulging biceps, who has the boniest rib cage, skinniest chest, and most impressive pair of knock-knees? Ask listeners for nominations then hold the competition in a local watering hole or summer fun locale.

• What was so great about the person you loved the most?
• If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?

Today’s Question: Asked what one thing they’d change about their wedding day, a third of the married people surveyed said they’d do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Invite more guests.

We learn from history that we don’t learn from history.

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