Thursday, July 17, 2003        Edition: #2581
Why Not Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning?

THIS MORNING the 55th “Primetime Emmy Awards” nominations will be announced in Hollywood by “The Shield’s” Michael Chiklis & “Malcolm in the Middle’s” Jane Kaczmarek just after 5:30am PDT (“The Sopranos” is expected to clean up after a production hiatus kept it out of the running last year) . . . PETA has chosen model Lauren Bush & movie actor Josh Hartnett as the ‘Sexiest Vegetarians Alive’ . . . The manager of Russia’s popular lesbian pop duo Tatu is hinting that Julia Volkova & Lena Katina may split up due to a bitter power struggle (“It’s your turn to buy the batteries, bitch!”) . . . White Stripes singer/guitarist Jack White says that although he broke his left index finger in 3 places in his recent Detroit car crash, he’s happy he survived the “year of rock n’ roll death” – age 27, when Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix & Jim Morrison all kicked (the accident was actually on his 28th birthday) . . . Michael Jackson has reportedly shocked a London luxury hotel by demanding 5-star treatment – for his pet snake … it’s named ‘Madonna’ . . . A snooty NYC co-op board that once turned down Madonna has given U2’s Bono the go-ahead to purchase a unit in the tony building – for $15 million! . . . Marilyn Manson is PO-ed he was refused entry to Disneyland because he was in costume (a guy in a mouse suit wouldn’t let him in?) . . . J-Lo is in talks to write her autobiography – so she can correct all the false stories she claims are written about her . . . Jennifer Aniston has won $65,000 in damages from British tabloid “Sport” for publishing topless photos of her on a beach (they’d likely happily pay a hundred grand for full frontal) . . . And it seems 41-year-old Meg Ryan’s been tossed over yet again, this time by actor John Cusack who celebrated his 37th birthday with 28-year-old “She’s All That” actress Jodi Lyn O’Keefe (guess that fake orgasm bit she pulls in restaurants just ain’t working for Meg anymore).

Actor Peter Mayhew, who’s making a comeback as ‘Chewbacca’ in the final “Star Wars” movie, reveals that ‘Chewy’ helps deliver twin babies in the now-shooting “Episode 3″ (holy hairy midwife!) . . . Cameron Diaz is set to star opposite Jim Carrey in a remake of the 1977 comedy “Fun With Dick & Jane”, about an upscale couple that commits crimes in order to pay bills (the original starred George Segal & Jane Fonda) . . . 65-year-old Jane Fonda is said to be considering 2 roles for her movie comeback 13 years after her last film – the title role in the dark comedy “Monster-in-Law”, and director Cameron Crowe’s “Elizabethtown”, about a circle of friends in a small Southern town . . . Christina Aguilera has screen-tested for her first movie role, playing a scheming mistress in the made-for-TV movie adaptation of Jackie Collins’ trashy novel “Hollywood Wives: The New Generation” . . . Not surprisingly, Disney has already made arrangements with Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom & Keira Knightley to do a sequel to “Pirates of the Caribbean” . . . Director Tim Burton is looking at Christopher Walken or Michael Keaton to play ‘Willy Wonka’ for his upcoming adaptation of the classic Roald Dahl kid’s novel “Charlie & The Chocolate Factory” . . . And Demi Moore’s on a roll, reportedly lined up to play Mike Myers’ love interest in the next “Austin Powers” spoof to be titled – “Live & Let Pussy Die”.

New figures from StatsCan show that about 45% of the country’s Internet Service Providers reported a loss in 2001. It seems ironic that ISP’s are having trouble turning a profit when Canada is one of the world’s most wired countries. No need for a tag day yet, however – the ISP industry now generates $1.3 billion annually in Canada. (Mr Rogers says thank you.)

Americans are fighting the battle of the bulging foot. No one can quite put a finger on how much bigger the country’s feet have become but almost everyone who works with feet has noticed this trend. 15 years ago, the most popular size in women’s shoes was 7-and-a-half. Now it’s 8-and-a-half and sometimes 9. In men’s, an equivalent jump has taken place: whereas 9-and-a-half used to be retailers’ core, that figure is now 10-and-a-half. (“What do you mean those AREN’T scuba fins?”)

Organizers are capping the ticket total at 500,000 for the “Molson Canadian Rocks for Toronto Concert” JULY 30th, headlined by the Rolling Stones. It will no doubt sell out, but won’t quite take the title as all-time largest concert. Here are a few of the biggest –
• 300,000 showed up for the Stones’ free “Altamont” CA concert in 1969.
• An estimated 400,000 crammed Max Yasgur’s NY farm for the 1st “Woodstock”, also in 1969.
• 500,000 watched Simon & Garfunkel’s free concert in NYC’s Central Park in 1981.
• Close to 750,000 attended Paul Simon’s free Central Park concert in 1991.
• Approximately 800,000 showed for the “Rally for Disarmament” in Central Park in 1982 that featured Bruce Springsteen, Linda Ronstadt & James Taylor.

Swiss dairy farmer Paul Wyler is offering his cows for rent on the Internet, with all the cheese they produce going to the ‘renter’. Cows cost 380 Swiss francs (US $276) for the summer, and Wyler looks after the animals and makes the cheese from their milk. (Hey, if you wanna rent a cow, you can have my mother-in-law for a lot less!)

Here’s an odd result of our sue-happy society – pool contractors say that increasingly more public and private swimming pools are being built without deep ends or diving boards. Many older pools are being renovated, with diving boards lowered or removed. The problem is injured divers have been suing anyone and everyone involved with accidents, from homeowners to builders. There’s at least one positive aspect to shallow pools – less water to heat. (And drain after an ‘accident’.)

Canada is shrinking fast, at least according to travel publisher Fodor’s, which has accidentally omitted Prince Edward Island, northwestern Ontario & Yukon Territory from its latest travel book, “Pure Canada”. It was supposed to promote the Canadian tourism industry, hard hit by the SARS epidemic. Red-faced Fodor’s officials promise they’ll make Canada full-size again for the next press run. (Idiots! Why couldn’t you have dumped Hamilton?)

Several pharmaceutical companies are developing birth control pills that will keep women from having a monthly period. For instance, Barr Laboratories expects to get approval THIS FALL to market the new drug ‘Seasonale’, which promises to reduce the number of times a woman gets her ‘monthly visitor’ from 13 times a year to just 4. (On behalf of men everywhere, we say thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!)

British researchers claim to have found a British recipe for lasagna dating from the 14th century, long before Italian chefs came up with it. The recipe was found at the British Museum in the ancient book “The Forme of Cury”, commissioned by King Richard II in 1390 and recognized as one of the world’s oldest recipe books. (It makes sense that lasagna would be English food – you boil the crap out of it first.)

A study by a behavorial specialist suggests that dogs may actually laugh – but the tittering can only be heard by other dogs. (Today we’ll be featuring the 101 best jokes for dogs. Sorry you won’t be able to hear them but they’re funny … [co-host] cried laughing.)

Following on the heels of the smash-hit dog-language electronic interpreter ‘Bowlingual’, Japan’s Takara Co will launch a device that translates cats’ meows into human speech this
NOVEMBER. ‘Meowlingual’ will show translations of cat language on its liquid crystal display when held close to a feline. The device will be priced at 8,800 yen (US $115). So far, plans are to limit sales to Japan. (Make your own ‘translator’ with some SFX and doctored tape.)

In a new kissing survey of 2,000 men & women, 90% say they would refuse to date someone again if they were a bad kisser. Over 80% say the very first kiss foretells what a longer term relationship would be like with someone. For instance –
• Sloppy kissers are seen as inexperienced and over-eager.
• Aggressive kissers are considered likely to be selfish lovers.
• Those who avoid using their tongues are expected to be shy in bed.


1934 [69] Donald Sutherland, Saint John NB, movie actor (“The Italian Job”, “JFK”, “M*A*S*H”)/”24″ actor Keifer Sutherland’s pop  UP NEXT: The Civil War drama “Cold Mountain”, also starring Jude Law, Nicole Kidman, Renée Zellweger & Natalie Portman, opening DECEMBER 25.  FACTOID: Grew up in Bridgewater NS where his first part-time job was news reporter at CKBW at age 14

1947 [56] Camilla Parker Bowles, Plumpton ENG, Prince Charles’ longtime lover who may or may not soon marry him (she’s 397 in dog years)

1952 [51] David Hasselhoff, Baltimore MD, really bad TV actor (ex-“Baywatch”, ex-“Knight Rider”)/sometime Betty Ford Clinic resident

1982 [21] (Natasha) Tash Hamilton, Liverpool UK, pop singer (Atomic Kitten-“Eternal Flame”, “Whole Again”)

TODAY-Sunday the prestigious “British Open” golf championship tees off at the Royal St George’s Golf Club in Kent UK.

TODAY-Sunday the 1st-ever “National Native American Games” compete in Flagstaff AZ. Over 2000 Native Americans from across the country are expected to participate in basketball, volleyball, track & field and slow-pitch.
PHONER: 480-517-9700 (Erik Whidmark)

THIS WEEK the 13th annual “National Baby Food Festival” slurps & burps in Fremont MI, home of Gerber Products. SATURDAY’s events include the ‘Baby Food Cook-Off’, the ‘Baby Crawl’ where up to 150 little gaffers compete for a $5,000 life insurance policy, and the ‘Baby Food Eating Contest’ … for adults!
PHONER: 231-924-0770 (Susan Gilliland)

THIS WEEK is “Backward Masking Awareness Week”, celebrating the fabled electronic technique of implanting hidden messages in music recordings that can only be discovered by playing the recording backwards at slow speed. The practice gained mythical status at the end of the Beatles era when the message ‘Paul’s dead’ was supposedly buried in one of their recordings. Conduct some on-air ‘experiments’ using the most popular tunes on your playlist and ‘discover’ hidden messages (which you’ve recorded and altered at slow speed).

1902 [101] Buffalo NY engineer Willis Carrier installs 1st ‘air conditioning system’ in a Brooklyn NY printing plant (for the next 20 years his invention is used primarily to cool machines … not people)

1917 [86] British royal family 1st uses surname ‘Windsor’ in attempt to rid itself of its German heritage (and the hard-to-spell ‘Saxe-Coburg-Gotha’)

1955 [48] ‘Disneyland’ 1st opens in Orange County CA, billed ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’ (live TV broadcast is hosted by Walt Disney, Art Linkletter & Ronald Reagan)

1976 [27] 1st Olympic Games in Canada open in Montréal (Canada becomes 1st host country NOT to win at least one gold medal)

1941 [62] NY Yankee legend Joe DiMaggio DOESN’T get a hit, bringing his ‘consecutive game hitting streak’ to a close after 56 games – since May 16th! (a record that still stands)

1982 [21] 52-year-old Don Bennett of Seattle WA becomes 1st ‘one-legged mountain climber’ to hop to the top of 14,408-ft Mount Rainier

[Fri] Cow Appreciation Day
[Sun] Chess Day
[Sun] Special Olympics Day
[Sun] National Ice Cream Day
[Mon] Junk Food Day
This Week Is . . . Coral Reef Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Herbal Prescription Awareness Month / National Bison Month

Are the following show biz personalities stiff or still kickin’?
• Comedian Phyllis Diller. [Alive & 86 TODAY.]
• “Gilligan’s Island” captain Alan Hale Jr. [Died 1990.]
• TV chef Julia Child. [Alive at 90.]
• ‘Lamb Chop’ puppeteer Shari Lewis. [Died 1998.]
• Country singer & “Hee Haw” host Buck Owens. [Alive & 73.]
• “Match Game” host Gene Rayburn. [Stiff as of 1999.]
• Big band leader Lawrence Welk. [Died 1992.]
• Comedian Flip Wilson. [Died 1998.]
• Famous French mime Marcel Marceau. [Alive at 80.]
• “Kids Say the Darnedest Things!” TV host Art Linkletter. [Alive and 91 TODAY!]

• “What odd item has been taken from you by airport security?”
• “Which celebrity do you secretly like but pretend not to?”

• Haven’t you always wondered – what would my name be if I was a Dutch porn star? Find out here …
• Figure out your ‘Romance Novelist Name’ by using your middle name and adding the name of a street that you have lived on.
• Take a new name that will help the Lesbian Nation find you with the help of the ‘White Lesbian Name Generator‘.

• The #1 movie is “Pirates of The Caribbean. Hey if a ride can be made into a hit movie, then why hasn’t anyone seen Madonna’s movie? – Craig Kilborne
• My girlfriend (wife/mommy) likes Irish Coffee. Whisky in your coffee … it doesn’t make sense. Coffee is a stimulant and alcohol is a depressant. One cup and she’s up all night crying.

Today’s Question: 1 in 4 guys admit they’ve tried this in the bedroom. We’re not sure how many it worked for.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Counting sheep.

The best thing you can do is get good at being you.

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