Wednesday, July 16, 2003        Edition: #2580
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

Word is Hollywood wildman Ashton Kutcher has announced he’s giving up strip joints (perhaps because “Striptease” star and steady girl told him to?), bad news for lapdancers because he’s reportedly a good tipper . . . Word has leaked that former “X-Files” star David Duchovny will enjoy a ‘very full sexual relationship’ with Sarah Jessica Parker’s character ‘Carrie Bradshaw’ during the final episodes of “Sex & the City” . . . Jack Osbourne’s plan to move out of the Osbourne family home has been put on hold thanks to mom negotiating a 3rd season of their MTV reality show (maybe that’s why she did it?) . . . Another report claims Sharon has allowed him to become pop Ozzy’s manager in order to keep his formerly drug-addled mind occupied . . . “People” magazine says bowling is Hollywood’s hot new pastime, and notes that celeb pinheads include Kelly Osbourne, Justin Timberlake & Jessica Simpson . . . A pair of muscular ‘stunt legs’ will reportedly be used in close-ups in the upcoming movie epic “Troy” because star Brad Pitt’s skinny pins just don’t have that ‘Gladiator look’ . . . All-around good guy Carlos Santana is showing again he’s the real deal – donating at least $2 million from his current tour to fight AIDS in South Africa . . . And Michael Jackson was among the mourners as late R&B singer Barry White’s ashes were scattered at sea in a private ceremony on a yacht off the California coast (as a tribute, Mikey also tossed in a used nose.)

• ‘Revirginization’ – A new trend becoming popular with Born Agains in which an extended period of premarital celibacy is practised in order for engaged couples to acquire ‘secondary virginity’ (aka ‘terminal horniness’). (This is about as feasible as war amputees ‘re-limbing’.)
• ‘RFID’ (‘Radio Frequency Identification’) – A chip that carries ID info that can be read by a radio frequency scanner at a distance. They’re already used to let commuters speed through tolls and are expected to make bar codes on consumer products obsolete. Other things to be
‘RFID-ed’ – pets, kids, medical patients, currency and consumers in general.
• ‘High-Identifying Sports Fans’ – According to “Psychology Today”, this is the scientific name for those idiots who rush onto a playing field to interfere with the game. University of Missouri psychologist Christian End has used all his intellectual might to figure out that alcohol is often a factor as well as the possibility of appearing on TV.

For a new study on traffic accidents, Virginia Commonwealth University reviewed over 2,700 vehicle crash scenes and 4,500 drivers in what may be the most comprehensive look ever at how simple distractions cause auto accidents. Here’s the study’s top 10 –
1. Rubbernecking (16%)
2. Driver fatigue (12%)
3. Looking at scenery or landmarks (10%)
4. Passenger or child distraction (9%)
5. Adjusting radio or changing CD or tape (7%)
6. Cell phone (5%)
7. Eyes not on the road (4.5%)
8. Not paying attention, daydreaming (4%)
9. Eating or drinking (4%)
10. Adjusting vehicle controls (4%)

There’s a bizarre new ‘extreme sport’ in Las Vegas … or maybe it’s ‘adult entertainment’? Men from as far away as Germany are paying up to $10,000 for the chance to travel to the middle of the desert and shoot ‘Bambis’ (naked women) with a paintball gun. ‘Hunting for Bambi’ is the brainchild of ‘master hunter’ Michael Burdick, who supplies customers with a video of their hunt to take home and show their friends. By the way, the women are paid $2,500 for successfully avoiding the paintballs, but only $1,000 if they’re hit.

A new University of Rochester study in the journal “Pediatrics” suggests that the early use of baby pacifiers contributes to breast feeding problems. Among the 700 infants involved in the study, those given pacifiers a few days after birth were only half as likely to be breast feeding exclusively one month later. (However, their parents were found to be 82% more likely to have maintained their sanity.)

You’ve heard of ‘speed dating’ where couples decide whether they’re interested in dating each other in just 8 minutes, right? Well, it seems that’s just too slow for some because a slew of franchised ’abbreviated dating companies’ are now turning on the afterburners and encouraging people to make up their minds even quicker. Dallas-based ‘First Glance Dating’ claims all 2 people need is 210 seconds to know if there’s chemistry. Competitors ‘Fastdater’ and ‘HurryDate’ say it only takes 3 minutes to decide if your partner is Ms or Mr Right. The supposed advantage of the new turbo-dating is you can go on up to 25 dates in a single evening. (Yeah, there’s the key to bliss – 25 blind dates a night!)

• Thailand is known as ‘land of smiles’ and now the government is urging citizens to smile even more. A culture ministry spokesman is suggesting that people who smile 3 times a day should now make it 6. (Um, there’s a fine line between ‘land of smiles’ and ‘land of doofy simpletons’.)
• Britain’s Jockey Club is attempting to prevent a French horse from running in the UK. The horse’s owners wanted to name the horse ‘Gros Nichons’ (grow nee-SHOW] but that wasn’t allowed in France, so they decided on the English equivalent – ‘Big Tits’. (Go ahead, let’s see you try a little play-by-play of that race!)
• After 57 years of making his way across northern European roads, a 74-year-old retired Danish trucker has been pulled over by police and he finally confessed – he never bothered to get his driver’s licence. (I think I’ve been stuck behind this guy!)
• A fed-up bank customer in Hong Kong has withdrawn all of his $40,000 in life savings and burned it in the street in disgust over his bank’s low interest rate. (Yeah, that’ll bring ‘em to their knees!)
• A New Zealander arrested for driving at night with his headlights off told police he was looking for a black hole in space and could see it better in the dark. The man also told police he’s an amateur astronomer. (But apparently a professional idiot.)
• The friends and family of blushing bride Shazli Iram recently gathered around her in the courtyard of her Nawabpura, India home to watch her exchange vows with Syed Abdul Rehman – on a laptop. Now that the union’s been made legal online, the groom is planning a trip to India in NOVEMBER to bring his bride home to America with him. (You’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a download.)
• Neighbours are complaining to local authorities in China about a woman who insists on cooking on the balcony of her home in Dongguan – topless. Oh, by the way … she’s 75. (And apparently blocking the view from the balcony below.)


1952 [51] Stewart Copeland, Alexandria EGYPT, classic rock drummer (Police-“Every Breath You Take”, “King of Pain”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)/film score composer (“She’s All That”, “Wall Street”)  FACTOID: Drummer in reunited ‘21st Century Doors’ with original Doors members Robby Krieger & Ray Manzarek, and Cult singer Ian Astbury.

1958 [45] Michael Flatley, Chicago IL, obnoxious & arrogant Irish-style dancer (“Feet of Flames”, “Lord of the Dance”, originally in “Riverdance”) whose legs were once insured for $40 million

1965 [38] Craig Morgan, Nashville TN, country singer (“Almost Home”)

1967 [36] Will Ferrell, Irvine CA, movie actor (“Old School”, “Austin Powers 1-2″, “Zoolander”)/ex-TV actor (“Saturday Night Live” 1995-2002)

1971 [32] Ed Kowalczyk, York PA, rock singer (Live-“Lightning Crashes”, “Freaks”)

TODAY-July 24th hundreds of delegates representing the world’s estimated 700,000 Rastas are attending the “World Rastafarian Conference” at the University of the West Indies in Kingston, Jamaica. Followers from all over the Caribbean, US, Canada, Britain & Africa will discuss an agenda that includes the right to use marijuana for religious purposes (you can see God, mon!) and repatriation to Africa. (There’ll also be seminars on how to remove knots from dreadlocks and how to get Sean Paul from being played on the radio every 5 freakin’ minutes.)               
THURSDAY-July 26th Edmonton hosts it’s annual “Klondike Days”, a celebration of the pioneer spirit that helped build the West that includes musical entertainment, a Klondike saloon & a tough-guy ‘King of the Klondike’ competition.
PHONER: 888-800-7275/403-471-7210

THIS WEEKEND they’ll be seeing double this weekend in Cassville WI as “Twin-O-Rama” invades town, the 60th annual salute to twins … and more (triplets, quads, etc).
PHONER: 608-725-5855 (Kathleen Polich, Tourism Coordinator)

1439 [564] Kissing is banned in England in an attempt to prevent the spread of the plague (maybe they should have tried condoms?)

1849 [154] 1st ‘safety pin’ (next day, 1st busted fly is pinned together)

1935 [68] 1st ‘parking meter’ charges 5 cents (Oklahoma City OK)

1945 [58] 1st ‘atomic bomb’ explosion (‘Fat Boy’-Alamogordo NM)

1950 [53] ‘Largest stadium crowd’ in sports history as 199,854 watch Uruguay defeat Brazil in “World Cup” soccer final

1981 [22] Shukuni Sasaki spins a record 72 plates simultaneously (only he could understand what it’s like trying to hold this show together!)

[Thurs] 55th Primetime Emmy Awards nominations announced
[Fri] Stick Out Your Tongue Day
[Sun] National Ice Cream Day
This Week Is . . . Space Week
This Month Is . . . Tahiti Awareness Month


• Most of us still call it ‘Comiskey Park’, but what’s the official name of the site of LAST NIGHT’s Major League Baseball “All-Star Game”? [US Cellular Field.]
• What was the 1st CD to be made available to the public? [The 1st CD ever released was Billy Joel’s “52nd Street” in Japan in October 1982. CDs were not introduced in North America until 1983, when Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” was released.]
• It was 9 years ago TODAY (1994) that 26-year-old “Playmate”/gold digger Anna Nicole Smith married multi-millionaire J Howard Marshall II. How old was he at the time? [89. She was eventually awarded $88 million from her late husband’s estate in March 2002.]
• What city is the southernmost national capital in the world? [Wellington, New Zealand.]

• I have a fat buddy that decided to use a computer dating service. It managed to match him up with Victoria. Unfortunately …. it was the city.
• Statistics show that cab driving is the most dangerous job in Canada. Fortunately, no Canadians drive cabs.
• Mobile phones that also work as a camera, have you seen these? This is a great idea – now you can take a picture of the accident you just caused while talking on your phone.

“Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail.”
a. Queen Latifah
b. Oprah Winfrey [CORRECT]
c. Elton John

• “What’s the most romantic thing to say to a guy?” (Least romantic – “Wow, that was fantastic … and I think it helped clear up my sinuses!”)
• “Which is the best Caribbean island for a getaway?” (Despite the US embargo against travel to Cuba, it’s been named the #1 island in the Caribbean by readers of “Travel & Leisure” magazine. According to some estimates, more than 50,000 Americans travel illegally to Cuba each year.)

• Which of “Charlie’s Angels” are you? Take this 8-question quiz , then click ‘submit’ to find out if you’re most like Lucy, Cameron or Drew.
• Type ‘weapons of mass destruction’ into the Google search engine and click the ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button and what you’ll get is an authentic-looking error message created as a lark by UK pharmacist Anthony Cox – “These Weapons of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed. The country might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your weapons inspectors mandate.” The page then offers some witty options.

Today’s Question: An estimated 90% of us have played with one of THESE at least once in our lives.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A Frisbee.

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.

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