Tuesday, July 15, 2003        Edition: #2579
Sheet Rocks!

THIS WEEK Justin Timberlake will be in the UK to moonlight as a commentator on the British Open for TNT . . . Word is Elton John is in talks to sign a $54-million deal for a long-term engagement at Las Vegas’ state-of-the-art Colosseum at Caesar’s Palace once Celine Dion completes her run there (which may be sooner than later if sales don’t pick up) . . . Actor Robert Wagner is suing Sony Pictures, claiming he’s entitled to HALF the profits from the “Charlie’s Angels” movies for his role in developing the 1970s TV series the films are based on (what, he came up with the name Charlie?) . . . Oddball Brit punkers The Sex Pistols say they want to play a concert in Baghdad to show Iraqis the ‘downside’ of democracy (that’d do it!) . . . Rumors are circulating that when “Sex & The City” ends after this season, Kim Cattrall will star in a spin-off called “Sex & Another City” in which she’ll continue to play ‘Samantha Jones’ but have more explicit sex in LA . . . Winnipeg police say they have no idea how a $4,000 necklace stolen from the set of J-Lo’s upcoming movie “Shall We Dance?“ ended up in a local hotel room – a few feet from the decapitated body of a 38-year-old Ontario man . . . That’s the same movie 19-year-old Winnipegger Marc Devigne passed on the opportunity to dance in – so he could be on “Canadian Idol” (LAST NIGHT as a matter of fact).

Jackie Chan & Owen Wilson return in a follow-up to their 2000 kung fu Western “Shanghai Noon”, the action comedy “Shanghai Knights” (DVD/VHS), set in China, London, and turn-of-the-century New York . . . “Laurel Canyon” (DVD), a comedy about a conservative Harvard graduate (Christian Bale), his academic fiancee (Kate Beckinsale), and their mind-altering stay with his wild record-producer mom (Frances McDormand) . . .  The 2-volume ‘Special Edition’ of the Civil War epic “Gods & Generals” (DVD/VHS) features a slew of stars including Jeff Daniels, Robert Duvall & Mira Sorvino . . . The idea to reanimate “Pinocchio” (DVD) was the brainchild of Italian actor-director Roberto Benigni and when it was released in Italy it became that country’s highest grossing film of all time, but in a poorly dubbed version elsewhere it was a big flop . . . And 9 of late legendary director Billy Wilder’s most memorable films, including “Some Like It Hot” and “The Apartment”, are being re-released in a special new DVD collection.

Scientists at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia have developed the computer program ‘SoundHunters’, new software that allows people to log on to PCs – by laughing. The program  recognizes someone’s voice or laughter and works on whatever networked computer that is nearest to them. The idea is to allow people to easily move around a company’s network from computer to computer. (Thereby making it really easy for the office prankster to reek havoc.)

What do drivers do to amuse themselves when stuck in traffic? According to the ‘Hate to Wait Driving Poll’ of 500 drivers, 75% sing along with music, 61% eat or drink, 27% groom in the rearview mirror, and 5% change clothes. Another 5% actually take a quick snooze!

Toronto’s Jan & Bridget Abrams have written the new book “Swing Stories: First-Person Tales of Sexual Adventure” as a sort of etiquette manual for spouse-swappers. Among their tips for swingers – participating couples should be in solid relationships, communication between swingers is very important in order to avoid problems, and swingers need to be physically fit, not only to attract other swingers, but in order to keep up (so to speak).
PHONER: 888-944-4434 (Greenery Press, Oakland CA)
Email to Book Author Interviews: phughes@greenerypress.com

• South Korea’s SK Telecom is offering cell phone users a new ‘noise service’ that it claims will repel mosquitoes. Subscribers pay $2.50 to download the high-frequency sound that annoys mosquitoes within a range of 3 feet but is inaudible to human ears. (But it’s really there … yeah, sure it is!)
• A computer version of “Operation Iraqi Freedom” is now available in stores. (Gamers can now conduct futile searches for weapons of mass destruction in their own home.)
• If you were one of those kids who liked the boxes more than the toys that came inside, here’s the lingerie for you. For $145, you can put the pop back into your bedroom with the new – ‘bubble-wrap nightie’, available from Exqueeze Me: Bubble-Wrap Lingerie.
• Stuck in traffic? Houston tennis instructor Shervin Nia has come up with an exercise routine for just that situation. Just pop in his audio book cassette and you’ll get a 10-minute workout, including pushing your buttocks down on the car seat, and thrusting your pelvis forward and holding the position for a 3-count. (You gotta get this for your show … or save money and make up your own!)

Two homeless Londoners have been invited to train with professional soccer clubs after their performance in the “Homeless World Cup”. Mo Stevenson & Greg Joseph have been invited to train with different London clubs as soon as they return from the event in Austria in which England was beaten 2-1 by an Austrian team made up of refugees. (Geez what’s next – Homeless Competitive Eating?)

Greece has declared war on bad cheese and vowed to form a special ‘feta police’ after more than 2 tons of the famous Greek cheese arrived in Norway tainted. Agriculture Minister Giorgios Dris says setting up a cheese-control squad is necessary to avoid further damage to the reputation of one of Greece’s main exports. (You may not know that the very word ‘cheese’ is Greek, coming from the Greek word ‘cheesotolis’ meaning ‘bung you up for a week’.)

A beauty therapist in Perth, Australia has set a hair-raising new world record – bikini waxing 130 customers in just 4 hours. (The screaming could be heard across the country in Sydney.)

The pet ferret was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat. (But cats became more popular because they don’t crawl up your pant leg.)


1946 [57] Linda Ronstadt, Tucson AZ, oldies singer (“You’re No Good”, “When Will I Be Loved”)

1951 [52] Jessie Ventura (James George Janos), Minneapolis MN, Minnesota Governor (1999-2003)/former wrestler (Jesse ‘The Body’-WWF)/former movie actor (“Batman & Robin”, “Predator”)/soon-to-be political TV talk show host (MSNBC)

1961 [42] Lolita Davidovich, London ON, movie actress (“Hollywood Homicide”, “Dark Blue”)/TV actress (Avery Pohl-“The Agency” 2001-03)

1961 [42] Forest Whitaker, Longview TX, movie actor (“Phone Booth”, “Panic Room”)/movie director (“Hope Floats”, “Waiting to Exhale”)  UP NEXT: Directs Katie Holmes in “First Daughter”, a romantic comedy about a US president’s daughter attending university, opening in JANUARY.

1972 [31] Scott Foley, Kansas City KS, movie actor (“Scream 3″)/ex-TV actor (“Felicity”, “Dawson’s Creek”)  FACTOID: He & actress-wife Jennifer Garner filed for divorce earlier this year.

TONIGHT the 74th Major League Baseball “All-Star Game” returns to where the tradition of a Midsummer Classic began on July 6, 1933 – Chicago’s Comiskey Park. (How could it be the 74th? Some years there were 2 All-Star Games.)

TODAY is “St Swithun’s Day”, celebrated worldwide in honor of the 7th-century Bishop of Winchester. According to legend, if it rains on St Swithun’s Day it will rain for the next 40 days. If it is clear, no rain will fall for 40 days. This dumb idea was immortalized in GF Northall’s 1892 straining-to-rhyme poem –
St Swithin’s Day if thou dost rain, For 40 days it will remain;
St Swithin’s Day if thou be fair, For 40 days ’twill rain na mair.

TODAY is “Respect Canada Day” as declared by the US-based ‘Wellness Permission League’, a day to ‘show we know it’s not some strange northern province of America’. (In Canada, this is known as “Up Yours Day”.)

THIS WEEKEND they’ll be seeing double in Montréal as “Twins Festival 2003″ invades town. There’ll be tandem bike rides, a twins mass with twin priests, a twins chorus, twins parade and, of course, tons of twins!
PHONER: 800-936-8253 x2385

TODAY-Sunday is the 22nd annual “Hemingway Days Festival” parties in Key West FL, celebrating the lifestyle of famed author Ernest Hemingway. (You drink like a fish, then put a shotgun to your head.)
PHONER: 800-275-5397/305-461-3300 (Andy Newman/Maggie Pearson)
NET: http://fla-keys.com/hemingwaymedia/24annual.htm

5 YEARS AGO . . .
1998 Hit movie “There’s Something About Mary” starring Cameron Diaz & Ben Stiller opens

1869 [134] 1st use of ‘margarine’, by the French Navy (1st sailor exclaims “I can’t believe it’s not lard!”)

1902 [101] ‘3M Company’ founded (the people who purposely hide the end of the Scotch Tape)

1929 [74] 1st ‘airport hotel’ opens, in Oakland CA

1933 [70] 1st ‘solo flight around-the-world’, by Wiley Post (how come Lindbergh gets all the fame?)

1945 [58] 1st ‘Family Allowance’ cheques mailed in Canada (‘Baby Bonus’)

[Thurs] British Open begins
[Thurs] 55th Primetime Emmy Awards nominations announced
[Fri] Cow Appreciation Day
[Sun] Moon Day
[Sun] National Lollipop Day
This Week Is . . . Therapeutic Recreation Week
This Month Is . . . Purposeful Parenting Month / Recreation & Parks Month


• ‘Win a Chance to Towel-Off Barry Bonds’
• ‘Adjust a Player’s Cup Night’
• ‘Sit on the Commissioner’s Lap for an Inning’
• ‘Guess What Inning the Bleachers Collapse’
• ‘Shave a Player’s Legs Night’
• ‘Your Wife’s Nude Photo on the Jumbotron Night’
• ‘Anyone Can Pitch Night’
• ‘Assault a Giant Sausage Night’

1. Austin TX
2. Houston TX
3. Atlanta GA
Source: match.com

• Aries – You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
• Taurus – Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
• Gemini – Put all your eggs in 3 baskets today, because you can kiss your first 2 baskets goodbye.
• Cancer – You will give your lawyer a retainer today but she will be ungrateful … perhaps thanks to all that saliva.
• Leo – Bad day to tease a yak.
• Virgo – You will begin to wonder if you’re at all valuable to your company after spending another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes.
• Libra – A good time to develop multiple personalities. That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
• Scorpio – Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
• Sagittarius – Let a smile be your umbrella today. Tomorrow let a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
• Capricorn – Good day to use the expression ‘just dandy’ as much as possible. Tomorrow’s a good day to look for new friends.
• Aquarius – You need to be a bit more brusque to cut down on interruptions at work. Stay just this side of gruff however, and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
• Pisces – What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Q: Why do donuts have holes?
A: According to legend, donuts have holes because one Captain Crockett Gregory wanted something he could eat while at sea. He developed ‘dough knots’ with a hole to fit over the spokes of his ship’s steering wheel.

• That’s it for today … I have done for radio what the Tour de France has done for shiny black pants.
• I checked my horoscope this morning and it said, ‘Why do you read this crap?’.
• My vegetable garden is almost ready. When I left this morning, the rabbits were lining up with their shopping carts.

Today’s Question: It takes the average person 7 minutes to do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Fall asleep.

Only a ballplayer’s errors are published every day. (Ours are just broadcast … live.)

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