Wednesday, July 31, 2002        Edition: #2346
More From the Sheet House!

No wonder Ja Rule didn’t show up in Jamaican court over those charges of using profanity during a concert – he faces a maximum fine of $20 if convicted (he must be shaking in his boots!) . . . Thanks to ‘Frank’, the fast-talking dog in “Men in Black II”, pet stores are reporting a sharp increase in demand for pugs, but one breeder warns that the dogs need lots of care, don’t like exercise and can’t take the heat (they’re as much trouble as a husband) . . . 31-year-old German supermodel Claudia Schiffer who wed British film producer Matthew Vaughn MAY 25 is expecting a baby later THIS YEAR (you do the math) . . . Anna Nicole Smith had no problem getting naked on her new reality show debuting SUNDAY on E!, but producers are still trying to figure out if they can show it (on TVs that aren’t widescreen) . . . Alicia Keys is trying to put the damper on recent rumors by saying that just because she doesn’t wear dresses doesn’t mean she’s gay (she who protesteth too much….) . . . “Goldmember” director Jay Roach says a scene that featured characters throwing up to opera music was cut after test audiences said it made them feel sick (imagine if it was an in-flight movie!) . . . Now we know where Britney Spears learned her manners – she may have flipped the finger and walked off the stage in Mexico but her pop, Jamie Spears, recently welcomed some young fans to his Louisiana home by PULLING A GUN on them.

• ‘Emo’ – Short for ‘emotional’, it’s the name being used to categorize modern rock music with punk roots but more personal lyrics. This includes bands like Jimmy Eat World, Dashboard Confessional, the Hives, the Get Up Kids, etc.
• ‘Kicked ‘Em to the Curb’ – To break off a relationship with someone. (“He kept sleeping around on me so I just kicked him to the curb.”
• ‘Pass the Bone’ – To share your knowledge and experience. (“I have no idea what I’m doing on PowerPoint and you’ve used it before….so pass the bone!”)

• THIS FALL stores will be carrying those low-rise, hip hugging jeans that teen girls and young women have been wearing the past year or two — FOR GUYS (wow, seems our plumber was a trendsetter!). Marketing gurus say this is a direct result of the recent blurring between what is female and what is male. (Always remember — the end justifies the jeans.)
• Have you seen the new men’s ‘no-show socks’? They’re so short it looks like you aren’t wearing any. The idea is to offer the care-free look of no socks with sneakers, loafers, even oxfords. They are said to hug the foot like ‘ballet slippers’. (OK, now you lost me.)

A British travel company is now offering sight-seeing tours to – Afghanistan. The first 10-day tour NEXT MONTH includes trips to Kabul and Mazar-e-Sharif. Organizers says the trip is aimed at architecture and archaeology enthusiasts rather than young thrill-seekers who want to see a battle zone. The tour includes a trip to the site of the giant stone Buddhas destroyed by the Taliban. (Accommodations are available in either single or double….caves.)

THIS WEEK Syracuse University opened its 2nd annual clinic for women called ‘Football
101′. About 175 women have signed up for the crash course in football run by the school’s head coach Paul Pasqualoni and his staff. One of the goals of the program is to sufficiently familiarize females with the rules so they don’t ask so many questions during games (such as, “Which team’s wearing the cute green outfits?”), thereby setting themselves up for ridicule from male companions. (Hey, this could be an ongoing Friday morning bit for the fall – a light-hearted on-air clinic for women that deals with various aspects of the game in a minute or less.)

In its 2003 Accord models, Honda will offer a navigation system that’s integrated with voice recognition software and a small touch-screen. The voice recognition system works by touching a button on the steering wheel and then speaking aloud. The software then responds, using the car’s audio system to give driving directions. The driver will be able to ask the vehicle for directions to the nearest restaurant or service station, or to find an address. (And just to make it authentic, it loudly points out when you make a wrong turn and argues with you when you’re lost.)

• What kind of feather-brained idea is this? Computer chips of the future are going to be made out of – chicken feathers. Why? University of Delaware research shows they make great conductors, they’re about 50% lighter, and will make chips about 50% faster. They’re also damn cheap! (What, has the price of sand to make silicon gone through the roof or what?)
• A new poll reveals that fully 95% of Web surfers HATE those ubiquitous ‘pop-up ads’ that automatically open another window trying to sell you something. So why do companies insist on using them? Do they expect they’re actually going to attract customers using a method that makes people PO-ed? One way to get rid of ‘pop-ups’ is to turn your Java options off, but that limits your PC’s capability on some sites.
• Wondering whose hands have been on your Hotmail? As part of a series of new storage policies aimed at driving more people toward its paid services, Microsoft has instituted a plan to delete sent messages that are more than 30 days old from its free Hotmail accounts. On Tuesday, it began erasing all messages in subscribers’ ‘Sent’ file transmitted before June 16.

A man who’s received 11,000 phone calls meant for the “Guinness Book of Records” could be included in the next edition. Barry Maunder from Twickenham, England has been receiving calls from all over the world for 6 years because his number is the same except for the area code, which is just 1 digit different. To make matters worse, some phone books in Japan, the US, Colombia and the UK have mistakenly published his number for “Guinness”. The record book editors are considering giving him his own entry for the ‘highest-ever amount of wrong numbers’. While he gets at least 6 wrong-number calls a day, he says he doesn’t want to change his number – because that would be too much hassle. (Hmm, is there a category for ‘world’s biggest moron’?)

According to “Glamour” magazine, it’s bad to have sex on a beach because sand can tear condoms. (If you’re having sex on a public beach, that may be the least of your problems!)


1962 [40] Wesley Snipes, Orlando FL, movie actor (“Blade I & II”, “US Marshals”, “Murder at 1600″) who’s now in trouble with the IRS over a $7.6-million refund claim

1965 [37] JK (Joanne) Rowling, Yate ENG, mega-selling author of ‘Harry Potter’ series who’s sold millions of copies worldwide, translated into over 30 languages  NOTE: When the first ‘Harry Potter’ novel was written, the publisher asked her to use initials rather than her first name so boys wouldn’t be biased against a book written a woman

1966 [36] Dean Cain (Tanaka), Mt Clemens MI, TV host (“Ripley’s Believe It or Not”)/ex-TV ‘Superman’ (“Lois & Clark”) who was once signed by NFL’s Buffalo Bills, but a knee injury ended his football career

TODAY is the 2nd annual “National Orgasm Day”, first declared by British sex store chain Ann Summers as a day for women to stake their claim to a full and satisfying sex life. A recent survey shows that fully 80% of women fake their climaxes during intercourse. Thus, the slogan for Orgasm Day — Make It Not Fake It!

TOMORROW through Sunday is the 10th annual “Big Valley Jamboree” in Camrose AB,  Canada’s largest country music festival. This year’s shebang includes Paul Brandt, Toby Keith, Martina McBride and oodles more.
PHONER: 888-404-1234/780-672-0224

TOMORROW-Sunday close to 15,000 rockers are expected for the 39th annual “Rockhound Gemboree” in Bancroft ON, Canada’s largest gem and mineral show which attracts collectors from around-the-world.
PHONER: 613-332-1513

1893 [109] 1st patent for ‘shredded wheat’ (Henry Perky)

1922 [80] 1st ‘water skis’ (Ralph Samuelson-MN)

1996 [06] Alanis Morissette kicks off her first big-time Canadian tour at Vancouver’s GM Place

1955 [47] Toronto’s 17-year-old Marilyn Bell becomes ‘youngest to swim the English Channel’

[Aug 1] Respect for Parents Day / Rounds Resounding Day
[Aug 2] World Championship Bunnock Championship [Macklin SK] / National Ukrainian Festival begins [Dauphin MB] / National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
[Aug 3] National Mustard Day / Mosquito Awareness Weekend / 2002 NFL Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony / National Park Day / Watermelon Day
[Aug 4] Sisters Day / 28th Festival of Moustaches [Montemesola, Italy]
[Aug 5] Holiday in 7 provinces & NWT (BC Day, Heritage Day, Civic Holiday, Simcoe Day, etc)
[Aug 6] “The Lord of the Rings” released on DVD / National Fresh Breath Day / Wiggle Your Toes Day / Halfway Point of Summer / 19th National Night Out
[Aug 7] Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
[Aug 8] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Aug 9] Book Lovers Day / International Art Appreciation Day / National Hand Holding Day
[Aug 10] 6th Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run [Vancouver] / S’mores Day / Garage Sale Day
[Aug 11] Daughter’s Day / Dog Days of Summer end
[Aug 12] Middle Child’s Day / International Youth Day / Truck Driver Day
[Aug 13] International Left Handers Day
[Aug 14] Senior Citizens Day / Financial Awareness Day
[Aug 15] National Relaxation Day / National Failures Day
[Aug 17] National Thriftshop Day / Homeless Animals Day
[Aug 18] Bad Poetry Day
[Aug 19] Stay Home With Your Kids Day / Discovery Day [Yukon]
[Aug 20] Potato Day / National Radio Day
[Aug 21] National Spumoni Day
[Aug 22] Tooth Fairy Day
[Aug 24] Single Parent Family Day
[Aug 25] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Aug 26] Make Your Own Luck Day / Woman’s Equality Day
[Aug 27] Petroleum Day
[Aug 28] World Sauntering Day
[Aug 29] 2002 MTV Video Music Awards / More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Aug 30] Toasted Marshmallow Day
[Aug 31] Trail Mix Day / Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Sept 2] Labor Day
[Sept 3] Rolling Stones’ 40th Anniversary World Tour begins [Boston MA]
[Sept 4] “American Idol” finale
[Sept 5] Toronto International Film Festival begins


Two of the following are actual tabloid headlines, the other one a total fake. Which one?
GAME #1–
• “Too-Smart Pooch Turns Into Internet Shopaholic!”
• “It’s Official: Breaking Wind Can Kill!”
• “Drag Racing’s Newest Star Used to Be a Woman!” [FAKE]

GAME #2–
• “Giraffes Have Heads Torn Off When Zoo Truck Passes Under Low Bridge!”
• “Massive Belch Shatters Office Building Windows!” [FAKE]
• “Doctor to Clone Elvis From a Mole Removed in 1961!”

GAME #3–
• “Dog Teaches Owner to Fetch Stick!” [FAKE]
• “Talking Parrot Fingers Hitman!”
• “The World’s Smartest Ape Goes to College!”

• “Which is the greatest all-time cartoon character?” (“TV Guide’s” new list is topped by ‘Bugs Bunny’, followed by ‘Homer Simpson’, ‘Rocky & Bullwinkle’, ‘Beavis & Butt-head’, and the ‘Grinch’. We like ‘Betty Boop’, who was so cutting-edge in the 1930s she set new standards in animation and shocked many with her risqué dress and attitudes.)
• “What’s the sexiest thing your wife [girlfriend] could wear?” (In a “Redbook” magazine poll, most married men say their wives look sexiest in ‘jeans & a T’ [38%]. 34% pick ‘skimpy lingerie’. Being stark naked comes in 3rd at 20%. After all, wrinkles look so untidy!)

Proving that absolutely nothing is too trivial to put on the Web along comes ‘Litter Box Cam’, which is exactly that – a 24/7 camera trained on the litter boxes for a pair of cats. Maybe set up a betting pool on when one gets used?

The Cryonics Institute of Michigan has 41 people and a number of pets – 7 dogs and 9 cats – on ice at its complex in suburban Detroit. More than 400 others are on the waiting list. Before the institute will accept a body, a $1200 membership fee must have been paid and a ‘suspension fee’ of $28,000. So how do you know somebody’s actually gonna thaw you out sometime in the future? What if the place goes broke and the electricity is cut off?
PHONER: 586-791-5961 (Dr Robert Ettinger, the 83-year-old founder who’ll eventually join his 1st and 2nd wives who are already ‘in storage’ awaiting a medical miracle.)

Today’s Question: A Gallup poll shows 81% of us have done this in the car.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Clean up your mind! 81% of us have SUNG in the car.

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

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