Friday, July 26, 2002        Edition: #2343
Yippee! More Crap From The Bull!

Don’t believe Destiny’s Child singer/”Goldmember” actress Beyoncé Knowles when she keeps moaning about being lonely — word is her secret boyfriend is singer/producer Pharrell Williams . . . Jude Law has apparently won the role of ‘Superman’ in the upcoming superhero showdown flick “Superman vs Batman” . . . Ben Affleck reportedly surprised Jennifer Lopez with a 32nd birthday party, a lunchtime ambush in a NYC restaurant attended by friends and family where Ben gave Jen a bracelet made of yellow & white diamonds (a tad over the top if he’s just a ‘friend’) . . . Meantime, Ben is in talks to write and possibly direct a movie called “Gone Baby Gone”, which would be his first screenplay since winning an Oscar with Matt Damon for “Good Will Hunting” . . . Who guitarist Pete Townshend has admitted to two ‘conscious’ and one ‘unconscious’ gay encounters during his drug-addled days in the ‘60s after an old friend wrote about it in a tell-all book . . . An upcoming book called “The Unauthorized !@#$-ing True Story Of The Osbourne Family” reveals there are at least 50 curse words bleeped out of a typical episode of “The Osbournes”.

• “Goldmember” – In the 3rd ‘Austin Powers’ movie, ‘Austin’ continues the fight against ‘Dr Evil’ and ‘Fat Bastard’ while falling in love with the beautiful ‘Foxy Cleopatra’ (Beyoncé Knowles) and making a new enemy, ‘Goldmember’. Part of the fun is spotting all the stars doing cameos, including Tom Cruise, Danny DeVito, Gwyneth Paltrow, Quincy Jones, Ozzy Osbourne, Britney Spears, Kevin Spacey, and Steven Spielberg. A new doll of the gaseous ‘Fat Bastard’ character is coming out. Myers himself approved the phrases the doll will say, plus the sound of its 3 different farts and a burp. The first 2 movies grossed a total of $400 million worldwide. For “Goldmember”, Myers got a whopping $25-million advance against 21% of gross profits. That means if the new movie does the boffo business of the last one, he’ll pocket about $65 MILLION.
• “The Country Bears” – A Disney family comedy based on the original “Country Bear Jamboree” at Walt Disney World, this is the story of ‘Beary Barrinson’, a bear cub raised by
humans in a world where bears and humans coexist, who heads for Tennessee to find his birth family. He helps unite the once legendary Country Bear Band for a benefit show to save the Country Bear concert hall. Don Henley, Willie Nelson, Queen Latifah and Elton John show up along the way.

THIS week a half-dozen new ‘bicycle ambulances’ hit the streets of central London, complete with flashing blue lights, sirens and heart-starting defibrillators. The 2-wheelers are being sent to emergency calls at the same time as their 4-wheel counterparts. Why? In traffic-clogged London, the bikes arrive first 88% of the time and patients get treatment faster. Often bike ambulance personnel can complete treating a patient and cancel the full-sized ambulance, freeing it up for more serious cases. (But EMS cyclists get really PO-ed when they have to lug a fat guy into the hospital on their back.)

New figures from StatsCan show that more than 5.8 million households, or 49% of Canadian homes, had at least 1 member that regularly used the Internet from home in 2001. More than half the people who used the Internet from home last year were looking for news sites or government information. (At least, that’s what they told the pollsters.)

Here’s the latest fad among teen boys – eyebrow waxing. Esthetitions say it’s especially popular with teens who want to emulate the ‘sculpted look’ of today’s male models. Many young men are requesting removal of the ‘unibrow’ hair in the middle of their brows and ‘eyebrow shaping’ to make them straight across with a slight arch in the middle. If that’s not enough, boys are also asking for ‘lash tints’ to make their eyes more dramatic. (Somehow the days when dad put a bowl over our heads and sheared around the edge seem so very, very long ago.)

• Burnaby BC RCMP have gone undercover to find motorists not wearing seatbelts by approaching vehicles stopped at intersections posing as — squeegee cleaners. In one 4-hour period, they managed to issue about 100 fines at $86 bucks a pop. These squeegee cops are careful not to blow their cover — they actually do wash windshields for those wearing seatbelts and accept tips, which go to charity. (To make money the local squeegee cleaners are now forced to dress up as cops and take bribes.)
• Poor Leonardo Diaz was trapped in a blizzard in Colombia’s Andes Mountains and had almost given up hope when an unexpected hero showed up — a telemarketer called trying to sell him more time for his out-of-minutes mobile phone. Thanks to her help, he was rescued! (Unfortunately she called at dinnertime and his deceased climbing partner got cold.)
• THIS WEEK New Yorker Samuel Hirsch filed a lawsuit against the 4 biggest fast-food companies, alleging that McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s and KFC are responsible for his obesity and health problems due to their fatty foods. (They came over to your house and force-fed you, right?)
• A 38-year-old Malaysian man claims that treatment at a hospital for hiccups left him partially deaf in one ear, damaged his throat and – shortened his penis. Chong Wee Ken says he left the hospital because he feared the treatment would kill him. (He’s since changed his name to Chong WEE Wee Ken.)
• A 30-year-old Taiwanese woman became so stressed over losing her job that within a month, she has lost all the hair on her body, including her eyebrows and eyelashes. The condition is known as ‘universal baldness’. (Teen boys are now clambering to get it.)
• Four teenagers in Canal Fulton, Ohio have been busted for trespassing after climbing a ladder to the roof of a local mall, disconnecting the cooling tube to the air conditioning system and then huffing the Freon to get high. (Wow, a new way to chill out.)

On any given day, almost 85,000 people in Canada celebrate a birthday.


1943 [59] Mick (Michael Philip) Jagger, Dartford ENG, Rolling Stones wrinkle rocker/ex-Mr Jerry Hall  VINTAGE MICK QUOTES: “When I’m 33 I quit, I don’t want to be a rock and roll singer all my life” (at age 26)/”I’d rather die than be 45 singing ‘Satisfaction’” (Stones begin another tour in SEPTEMBER)

1959 [43] Kevin Spacey (Fowler), South Orange NJ, movie actor (cameo in “Goldmember”, 2 Oscars-“American Beauty”, “The Usual Suspects”)

1964 [38] Sandra Bullock, Arlington VA, film actress (“Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”, “Miss Congeniality”, “Speed”)

1973 [29] Kate Beckinsale (Loe), London ENG, movie actress (“Pearl Harbor,” “Serendipity”)

1940 [62] Bugs Bunny, Hollywood CA, long-eared rodent actor (makes his debut in “A Wild Hare”)

1975 [27] Alex Rodriguez (aka ‘A-Rod’), NYC, MLB All-Star shortstop (Texas Rangers) who is baseball’s highest-paid player at $25 million per season/led AL in home runs in 2001 with 53, most ever in a season by a shortstop

TODAY is “Aunt & Uncle Day”, honoring the special contributions they make to our lives (or maybe Hallmark was just running out of ideas).

TONIGHT through August 5 the 16th annual “Vancouver International Comedy Festival” guffaws and titters with international comedians yukking it up in Granville Island clubs.
PHONER: 604-683-0883 (Amita Daniels)

TOMORROW is “Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day”, to help them get to know their real environment. BS plant trivia –
•.What was the name of the man-eating plant in the movie “Little Shop Of Horrors?” [ANSWER: ‘Audrey II’ or ‘Audrey Jr’.]
• What plant piloted a Zeppelin? [ANSWER: Robert Plant, the singer in classic rock band Led Zeppelin.]
• About 85% of the plant life on Earth is located here. [ANSWER: In the oceans.]

TOMORROW Heber Springs AR hosts the 16th annual “World Championship Cardboard Boat Race”, when wacky contestants attempt to defy the laws of physics by designing and racing watercraft – made totally of cardboard. As well as prizes for speed, there are trophies for the ‘Pride of the Fleet’, and the rotten luck ‘Titanic Award’.
PHONER: 800-774-3237/501-362-2444

SUNDAY-August 1 the 18th “National Conference on Artificial Intelligence” meets in Edmonton. That’s the highfalutin title for a meeting of scientists working to develop better robots. Among the robots attending — waiter robots clad in tuxedos and serving hors d’oeuvres, and a 6-foot robot named ‘Grace’ from Pittsburgh’s Carnegie Mellon University, a drum-shaped contraption with a digitally-animated face that will wander the symposium demonstrating its good manners, then later give a speech and answer questions.
PHONER: 650-328-3123 (American Association for Artificial Intelligence, Menlo Park CA)

SUNDAY Regina throws the annual “Pile O’ Bones Picnic”, Canada’s largest outdoor picnic (can you have one indoors?). Pile O’ Bones was the name of the city’s original site.
PHONER: 306-781-9200 (Wascana Centre)

SUNDAY is the annual enshrinement at Baseball’s Hall of Fame in Cooperstown NY. This year’s inductee is 13-time Gold Glove shortstop Ozzie Smith, known as the ‘Wizard of Oz’ when he played for St Louis and San Diego. He was the only player picked. Some thought it would be Gary Carter’s turn, but he fell short by 11 votes. Ozzie Smith becomes only the 37th player to be picked during his first year of eligibility.

3 YEARS AGO . . .
1999 Shania Twain album “Come On Over” certified for sales of 12 MILLION units (the reason she doesn’t have to make any public appearances these days)

1775 [227] USA’s 1st ‘Postmaster General’ (Benjamin Franklin)

1958 [44] 1st ‘Hula Hoop’ (it was actually banned in Tokyo for a time due to the large number of traffic accidents it caused!)

1982 [20] 1st Canadian “Miss Universe” (Karen Baldwin-London ON)

1955  [47] Ted Allen throws a record 72 consecutive horseshoe ringers

1966 [36] Charles Christensen stays on-the-air for a record 277 consecutive hours at KMEN radio in Riverside CA

[Sun] Parent’s Day
[Sun] Accountants Day
[Mon] National Lasagna Day
[Wed] National Orgasm Day
National Salad Week
Foreign Language Month


• “You look so much better in person then you do on the company’s hidden bathroom Webcam.”
• “Would you mind wearing my mother’s dress?”
• “You’re the first guy I’ve gone out with that isn’t my cousin.”
• “Ever had a painful discharge wake you up at 3 in the morning?”
• “I have to admit….there are times that I miss being a guy.”
• “I’ve been sober for over 30 days. Not necessarily consecutively….”
• “I have to be home before 10. It’s a rule at the institution.”
• “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”
• “Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”
• “It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”
• “Here’s my phone number. Can you pass it to that cute guy at the next table?”
• “Could you lend me 20 bucks till payday?”
• “Thanks for a wonderful time. Oh, here’s a coupon that’s good for a free shot of penicillin.”

Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
GAME #1 –
• Among items left behind at Osama bin Laden’s headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of “Mad” magazine. [BS]
• The trademark name Velcro is a contraction of the words ‘velvet’ and ‘crochet’. [TRUE]
• Ontario is the only Canadian province that borders any of the 5 Great Lakes. [TRUE]
• The skin needed for elbow transplants must be taken from the scrotum of a cadaver. [BS]
• In ancient Greece, children of wealthy families were dipped in olive oil at birth to keep them hairless throughout their lives. [BS]

GAME #2 –
• Human saliva has a boiling point 3 times that of regular water. [BS]
• Urine from male cape water buffaloes is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel. [BS]
• The chow is the only breed of dog to have a black tongue instead of pink. [TRUE]
• It is physically impossible for pigs to look up at the sky. (TRUE. Unless they’re keeled over dead.)
• 7 out of 10 hockey-playing Canadians will lose a tooth during a game. For Canadians who don’t play hockey, that figure drops to 3 out of 10. [BS]

Studies show that if you part your hair on the right side, you were born to be carnivorous. If you part it on the left, your physical and psychological make-up is that of a vegetarian. [BS]

US dollar bills cost about 4 cents apiece to produce. [TRUE]

“If only I had a little humility, I’d be perfect.”
a) Madonna
b) Ted Turner
c) Jean Chrétien
ANSWER: Ted Turner.

Today’s Question: 16% of women say that it’s okay to do this while wearing a bikini.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wear high heels.

Every age is modern to those living in it.

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