July 2, 2002

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Tuesday, July 2, 2002        Edition: #2331
The management of this station is not responsible for any loss of dignity suffered while listening to the following program.

TODAY “Friends” star Jennifer Aniston is expected to testify as the trial begins in her lawsuit against 2 magazines that published a photo of her sunbathing topless in her backyard (a judge has disallowed a jury trial due to a technicality) . . . TODAY Aerosmith releases another greatest hits collection, “O Yeah! Ultimate Aerosmith Hits”, and will hit the road on a 4-month North American tour in support of it NEXT MONTH . . . TODAY the video for has-been pop singer George Michael’s new single ”Shoot the Dog” debuts, featuring animated depictions of  George W Bush treating British PM Tony Blair as a dog (his only hope to ever have a hit again is to cause some controversy) . . . TONIGHT on FOX-TV’s hit talent show “American Idol”, the identity of a semifinalist who’s been disqualified for lying about his age (over the maximum 24) will be announced (who do you want in the pool — Justin?) . . . The Italian-American Defense Association has dropped its lawsuit against “The Sopranos” that accused it of ethnic stereotyping (amazing what a horse-head in a bed will accomplish) . . . And what could be going on here? LAST WEEK’S death of Who bassist John Entwistle in Las Vegas is reportedly still under investigation by the Clark County Coroner (who’s called in ‘Grissom’ from “CSI” to help).

Jack Black stars in the comedy “Shallow Hal”, about a shallow man who sees the light and falls in love with a 300-lb woman (Gwyneth Paltrow in a ‘fat suit’) because of her ‘inner beauty’ . . . In the animated family comedy “Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius” aliens abduct all adults and genius ‘Jimmy’ and his friends build an interstellar space fleet to rescue them . . . And trekkies will be thrilled they can now get the entire 3rd season of “Star Trek: The Next Generation”.

You likely heard Brazil beat Germany on the weekend to win their 5th World Cup. But did you hear about the ‘Other Final’? The quest to find the WORST national team pitted the 2 lowest FIFA-ranked teams against each other. The honors went to Montserrat, which lost 4-0 to Bhutan in a game played at Bhutan’s Changlimithang stadium in front of 25,000 fans. Bhutan is ranked 202nd in the world, Montserrat 203rd. (Slightly behind the [local car dealer] Fighting Angels of the Girls’ Mosquito League.)

Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo is causing a major fad in his home country with his new hairdo —
totally shaved off except for a small wedge along the top of his forehead. Some are calling it the ‘stubby unicorn look’.

The Highway Loss Data Institute recently published its annual list of ‘most frequent theft’ claims. The Acura Integra tops the list by recording 21.7 theft claims per 1,000 insured vehicles. The Integra also averaged the highest loss payment per insured vehicle.

• A new report from the World Health Organization is showing nutrition can play a big part in our lives. The study says 96% of international terrorists do not start their day with a nutritious breakfast. (The answer to the world’s problems — dump Corn Flakes on terrorist training camps.)
• A new genetically engineered yoghurt bacteria can clean your teeth! In tests, lab rats treated with the bacteria developed fewer cavities. The bacteria carries an antibody which fights the bugs causing tooth decay. (But do you want to go to bed every night with yoghurt breath?)

• Dump the bum! 73% of fans don’t want Jennifer Lopez to go back to former boyfriend Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs (including him). 59% don’t want Britney Spears to go back to Justin Timberlake. Source: ”TV Guide”
• Who’s your audience? Fully one third of pet owners turn on the radio or TV before they go out. Why? To keep their pets company. Source: “Health”
• There’s hope! Only 53% of us say we’re satisfied with life when we’re aged 18-24. That figure rises steadily to 72% by age 50 and older (and don’t expect much). Source: Harris poll
• Get it while you can! 70% of newlyweds admit they’ve ‘fooled around’ while driving, 31% say they’ve had sex with a partner who’s asleep, but 67% report more sex before marriage than after. Source: “Bride’s Magazine”
• Women are wrong! Most women think men desire a truly thin woman. Most men actually want a more average body type in their mates. Source: Gallup poll
• Hanky panky time! 75% of vacating couples polled say that passion peaks during vacations and lasts up to 4 weeks after they return home. Source: “Ladies’ Home Journal”

• Men fall in love more easily than women.
• Insecure people fall in love faster than those who are confident.      
• Your relationship with your parents when you were a child shapes the kind of lover you are now.
• Love and money seem to be closely linked. Women like ambitious men with money.
Source: “Woman’s Own”


1932 [D-January 8, 2002] Dave Thomas, Camden NJ, fast-food mogul (Wendy’s founder)

1937 [65] ‘King’ Richard Petty, Level Cross NC, NASCAR racing legend (7-time Daytona 500 winner) who retired after 1992 season/son of Lee Petty and father of Kyle Petty

1956 [46] Jerry Hall, Mesquite TX, sometime model/ex-Mrs Mick Jagger

1973 [29] Scott ‘Scotty Too Hotty’ Taylor (Garland), Westbrook ME, WWF wrestler aka ‘The Worm’

1983 [19] Michelle Branch, Sedona AZ, pop singer (“All You Wanted”, “Everywhere”)

TODAY is “I Forgot Day”, set aside to make up for all the birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions that you forgot to acknowledge over the past year. (What’s the lamest excuse anyone ever laid on you?)

TODAY at 12 noon the year 2002 is half over. 182.5 days of the year will have elapsed and 182.5 will remain before January 1, 2003.

• “International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest”, Eau Claire MI (616-782-7101)
• “12th Annual Sidewalk Egg-Frying Challenge”, Oatman AZ (520-768-6222)
• “World’s Greatest Lizard Race”, Lovington NM (505-396-5311)

10 YEARS AGO . . .
1992 Mick Jagger becomes a grandpa as daughter Jade has a baby

1992 1 millionth Chevrolet Corvette is built

5 YEARS AGO . . .
1997 Summer blockbuster “Men in Black” opens in theaters, starring Will Smith & Tommy Lee Jones (sequel “MIB2″ opens TOMORROW)

1843 [159] Alligator reportedly falls from sky during a Charleston SC thunderstorm (yeah right, what a ‘croc’!)

1947 [55] ‘Roswell Incident’ as unidentified object crashes near Roswell NM which US Air Force claims is just a ‘weather balloon’ (a half-century later, the debate continues)

1982 [20] Using a lawn chair hoisted by 42 helium-filled weather balloons, Larry Walters slowly rises 16,000 feet over San Pedro CA (the next day, residents of Roswell NM report another UFO)

1988 [14] New record for Frisbee toss distance set at 623.6 feet

[Wed] Compliment Your Mirror Day
[Wed] Dog Days of Summer begin (through August 15)
[Wed] Stay Out of the Sun Day
[Wed] American Redneck Day
[Thurs] Independence Day (no BS service)
[Thurs] National Country Music Day
Canned Luncheon Meat Week (yum, have some of that clear jelly on toast)
Baked Bean Month (whoa, pardon me!)


• When looking for a motel to spend the night, you should look for one that’s –
a) Close to good restaurants and entertainment.
b) Close to the highway.
c) Close to the garage that’s repairing your car.

• Keeping kids quiet in the car while you’re driving can be a challenge. The best thing for this purpose is –
a) Coloring books.
b) Magnetic game boards.
c) Chloroform.

• It’s good to know something about another country before you go there. For example, if you’re going to Mexico, you should know that the national drink is —
a) Tequila.
b) Corona beer.
c) Kaopectate.

• If your vacation this year involves a 2-week cross-country car trip to Banff, the most relaxing part of your vacation is going to be —
a) Spending quality time with your spouse and kids in the car.
b) Sleeping in a different motel every night.
c) Going back to work after it’s all over.

• Which is the most popular car game for kids?
a) See who can sing “It’s a small world after all” over and over the longest.
b) Play “Count the Provinces” by yelling out the name on all out-of-province licence plates.
c) Play “Count the Veins on Daddy’s Neck” every time someone yells out another province.

• In case of severe emergency, the one truly critical thing you have to have with you at all times will be —
a) A list of people to contact in just such an emergency.
b) The phone number of the travellers cheques company.
c) Sitting on the kitchen table at home because you forgot to pack it.

• When it’s all over, what’s the one thing that tells everybody you had a good vacation?
a) A deep, rich tan.
b) Plenty of photos recording your wonderful memories of the trip.
c) A trunk full of stolen Comfort Inn towels.

There will be 2 periods when fishing is excellent today — before you get there and after you leave.

Now you can dress Elvis and make him talk on a new Website launched by Graceland. A new site devoted to ‘The King’ has been set up to hype the release of the “Elvis 30 Number One Hits” collection in SEPTEMBER.
NET: http://www.elvisnumberones.com

BS ‘GROUP GROPE’:         
A group of whales is a ‘gam’. A group of cats is a ‘clowder’ or a ‘clutter’, depending on the source.  For the record, it is a ‘kindle’ of kittens, a ‘charm’ of goldfinches and a ‘cloud’ of gnats. And how about these groups?
• Leech of lawyers
• Buff of nudists
• Grovel of loan applicants
• Hoist of shoplifters
• Probe of proctologists
• Blur of optometrists
• Hush of librarians
• Tipple of drunks
• Volume of publishers
• Lecture of teachers
• Crush of winemakers
• Gabble of deejays

“What should the punishment be for engaging in sex on a beach in broad daylight? (A Painesville, Ohio judge has ordered an offending couple to place a public apology in local newspapers. “We’re sorry we rushed and didn’t do a very good job….”)

Two of the following are facts while one is pure BS, but which one?
1. Sylvester Stallone turned down the male lead role in “Romancing the Stone”.
2. Dennis Quaid turned down the lead role in “Jerry Maguire”. (BS)
3. Halle Berry turned down the female lead role in “Speed”.

Today’s Question: Even though it seems so special, less than 1% of us will do this today.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Celebrate a birthday.

A true friend asks only for your time, not your money.

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