Friday, July 20, 2001        Edition: #2103
Another Sheet Load!

• Every tabloid weenie in the world is hounding your every move since you split up with your Australian actress wife.
• You work in a 24-hour convenience store. You’re the only employee.
• Your manager at McDonald’s recently put you in charge of making the secret sauce.
• Each year you accrue 10 vacation days and you’re now up to 720.
• What most people call ‘overtime’, you refer to as a ‘half-day’.
• When making up your schedule, your boss recently handed you a special custom-made calendar with 8 workdays on it.
• Four words: Palm trees in cubicle.
• You’ve written over SIX THOUSAND PAGES of radio show prep in the past 8-and-a-half years instead of finishing your novel and 5 sequels . . . and sometimes you feel like you’re going to SNAP . . . and you can’t remember where you locked up the AMMO . . . and those VOICES in your head are driving you CRAZY . . . and . . . center yourself . . . focus . . . everything’s gonna be OK . . . everything’s gonna be OK . . . focus Bull . . . Oh, sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah, here’s some . . .

She’s on a roll as she moves her “Drowned World Tour” into the USA THIS WEEKEND and word is Madonna is planning to release a definitive collection of her greatest hits, perhaps as early as THIS CHRISTMAS, which recording weasels say could become one of the all-time biggest-selling CDs . . . SUNDAY CTV is finally bringing back the mega-hit HBO series “The Sopranos”, beginning with repeats of the first season (back when Robert Iler was too little to mug anybody) . . . The latest studio estimates predict Steven Spielberg’s $100-million “AI: Artificial Intelligence” will likely only generate about $80 million in domestic box office, a disappointment based on ‘poor word of mouth’ (Hollywood-speak for ‘crappy movie’) . . . 54-year-old just-retired CNN Headline News anchor Lynne Russell says she’s in talks to pose for “Playboy’ (the first centerfold you have to iron) . . . Buzz is the ever-retentive Barbra Streisand is insisting the men working on her Malibu home remove their shoes before walking on her – LAWN! . . . While he’s still planning that over-the-top ‘anniversary’ celebration in NYC this SEPTEMBER, Michael Jackson says he doesn’t understand why he’s not as popular as he once was (hey Mikey, the answer is as obvious as the nose lying on your floor!).

“America’s Sweethearts” will try to catch up to the big box office lead “Jurassic Park III” received by opening WEDNESDAY. Julia Roberts plays the personal assistant to superstar Catherine Zeta-Jones in the romantic comedy co-starring John Cusack and Billy Crystal. Originally scheduled to open LAST WEEK, Sony purposely put it up against “JP3″ as a ‘romantic comedy alternative’. (By the way, the sound of a human neck breaking as a big dino steps on it is the scene in “JP3″ everyone seems to be talking about – worth adding a sound effect to your repertoire?)

In his book “Centered: Understanding Yourself Through Your Navel”, Berlin psychologist Dr Gerhard Reibmann claims you can predict your life expectancy by your navel shape. For instance —
• ‘innie’ or ‘concave navel’ [life expectancy of 65 years]
• ‘horizontal navel’ [68 years]
• ‘off-center navel’ [70 years]
• ‘outie navel’ [72 years]
• ‘vertical navel’ [75 years]
• ‘perfectly round navel’ [81 years]
(And then there’s ‘pierced navel’ – 62 years, the last 30 of which you’ll be too embarrassed to show it to anyone.)

A new study by Solutions Research Group finds that over 2.5 million Canadians have now used a CD burner to copy music, and even more have received discs created on a CDR. (In response, the Canadian Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences is reducing the number of sales required to achieve ‘Gold Record’ status in Canada to – 14.)

True story — a married couple in Beijing were both sneaking online to flirt with mystery ‘lovers’ in an Internet chat room. After a month, the husband arranged to meet up with his fantasy girlfriend that he only knew by the user name ‘I Want You’. Agreeing to carry a certain newspaper to identify themselves, they were shocked when they came face-to-face. The husband and wife had been cheating online — with each other! Police were called in when a brawl broke out in the street. (You just know some Hollywood writer’s already working on the Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan sequel, “You’ve Got Mail Too!”)

• Queensland, Australia is setting up a new ‘code of care’ for animal stars in movies and TV shows in the aftermath of the famous pig-stabbing on “Survivor 2”. (Under the new code, slaughtered animal stars must appear in the credits ABOVE the title.)
• The latest location for body piercing is on the hand, through the web of skin that stretches between your thumb and ‘Peter Pointer’. (I didn’t realize my stigmata was going to become so fashionable.)
• Fuji Spinning Co of Japan has developed a T-shirt impregnated with a chemical called ‘pro-vitamin’ that turns into vitamin C when it comes into contact with human skin. (Now moms will be warning kids all winter, “Don’t forget your galoshes — and your vitamin T!”)


1947 [54] Carlos Santana, Autlan de Navarro MEX, rock musician (Santana-“Smooth”)/tied Michael Jackson’s record for most awards in one night at 2000 Grammy Awards by winning 8

1966 [35] Stone Gossard, Seattle WA, rock guitarist (Pearl Jam-“Last Kiss”)

1973 [28] Peter Forsberg, Ornskoldsvik SWE, NHL star center (2001 Stanley Cup champion Colorado Avalanche)

1926 [75] Norman Jewison, Toronto ON, filmmaker (“The Hurricane”, “In the Heat of the Night”)/1999 Irving G Thalberg Memorial Award at the Oscars/established the Canadian Centre for Advanced Film Studies in Toronto in 1986 NEXT FILM: Producing a remake of his 1975 sci-fi thriller “Rollerball”

1949 [52] Garry Trudeau, NYC, political cartoonist (“Doonesbury”)/Mr Jane Pauley

1952 [49] Robin Williams, Chicago IL, comedian/movie actor (“AI Artificial Intelligence” [voice of ‘Dr Know’], “Flubber”) NEXT FILM: Plays the fired host of a kids’ TV show who seeks revenge in the comedy “Death to Smoochy” (no release date yet)

1957 [44] Jon Lovitz, Tarzana CA, comedian/film actor (“Cats & Dogs” [voice of ‘Calico’], “A League of Their Own”)

1972 [29] Paul Brandt (Belobersycky), Calgary AB, country singer (“That’s the Truth”, “It’s a Beautiful Thing”)

1978 [23] Josh Hartnett, San Francisco CA, up-and-coming movie actor (“Pearl Harbor”, “Halloween H20: 20 Years Later”) NEXT FILMS: “O”, an update of Shakespeare’s “Othello” coming AUGUST 31, and the romantic comedy “40 Days and 40 Nights” in 2002

TODAY is “Chess Day”. (Well, I’ve got to run. My fan club is meeting and I promised I’d play chess with him.)

TODAY is “Moon Day”, the 32nd anniversary of the first lunar landing in 1969. Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first to walk on the moon as he proclaimed “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” while nearly 700 million Earthlings tuned in. Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin joined him later. (When Dubya heard it was the anniversary of the moonwalk, he sent Michael Jackson a letter of congratulations.)

SUNDAY is the 5fth annual “Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run”, part of ‘2001: A Bare Buns Run Odyssey’ at Vancouver’s clothing-optional beach.

SUNDAY is “Rat-Catchers Day”, observed on the anniversary of the fabled ‘Pied Piper of Hamelin’ (Germany) piping the town’s rats into the Weser River back in 1376.

1992 [09] Madonna appears nude in “Playboy” (pre-stretchmarks)

1995 [06] OJ Simpson offers $500,000 reward for capture of his wife’s ‘real killers’

2000 [01] 2 former Utah Olympic officials indicted for paying out $1 million to help bring the 2002 Winter Games to Salt Lake City (the IOC claims holding the 2008 Summer Games in China may force the Chinese to examine their human rights violations — just like Germany in 1936)

1858 [143] 1st ‘admission’ charged at a baseball game as patrons pay 50 cents to see NY All-Stars beat Brooklyn 22-18 (but a plastic cup of watered-down beer was $18.50 — just like today)

1945 [56] 1st Canadian ‘family allowance’ cheques issued (‘Baby Bonus’)

1801 [200] Elisha Brown Jr presses giant 1,235-lb cheese ball that is presented to US President Thomas Jefferson and put on display at the White House (recently the subject of “The West Wing” episode ‘Big Block of Cheese Day’)

1919 [82] Hottest-ever day in Ontario (42.2 C)

[Sat] National Junk Food Day (isn’t EVERY day?)
[Mon] Mosquito Day (official ‘bird’ of Winnipeg)
National Avoid Boredom Week (so much for [your co-host’s] party tomorrow night)
National Purposeful Parenting Month (my purpose in parenting is – survival)


• Cats can speak more ‘words’ than dogs. [TRUTH. Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, dogs only about 10.]
• Most people fear death more than anything else. [BS. Studies show that, on average, people fear spiders more than they do death.]
• Some people attract 5 to 10 times more mosquitoes than others. [TRUTH. It may be due to the composition of the 300-odd chemicals on their skin. Or it could be because they live in Manitoba.]
• Golf was banned in England in 1457. [TRUTH. It was considered a distraction from the ‘serious’ pursuit of archery. Nowadays, it’s a distraction from the serious pursuit of marriage.]
• Your eyes, nose and ears continue to grow throughout your lifetime. [BS. Your nose and ears never stop growing, but your eyes remain the same size from birth.]
• Cows emit 35 cubic feet of gas every day. [TRUTH. The reason (your co-host’s) nickname is ‘Bessie’.]

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

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