Thursday, July 19, 2001        Edition: #2102
That first cup of coffee always wakes me up — as soon as I spill it in my lap.

BS THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR NEIGHBOR:
• “You wanna see where the aliens probed me?”
• “How come you always feel the need to draw your blinds at night?”
• “I finally found both pieces of your lawn mower from 1989.”
• “Does this look infected to you?”
• “Next time you go on vacation, do you need anyone to watch your house from the inside out?”
• “Here’s your Victoria’s Secret catalogue that I keep getting by mistake. Don’t worry, those are just coffee stains.”
• “How come I haven’t seen you at any of our Aryan Nation meetings?”
• “That teenage daughter of yours is really starting to fill out.”
• “Wanna swap wives?”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
LAST NIGHT the 5th annual “Webby Awards” for the best sites on the Internet were presented in San Francisco with much better odds for the nominees, because since they were last handed out 534 dot-coms have been shut down! (http://www.webbyawards.com) . . . After 7 stints as Oscar host, Billy Crystal says he’s done with the gig (likely because Steve Martin has locked up the job as long as he wants it) . . . J Randy Taraborelli’s new unauthorized “Madonna: An Intimate Biography” claims the Material Girl seduced Gwyneth Paltrow during a steamy girl-girl dance at a 1999 New Year’s Eve party in Miami while Guy Ritchie watched (here, I’ll save you buying this trash — they kissed — whoopdedoo!) . . . Meantime, Madonna is planning a major auction after the “Drowned World Tour” wraps later THIS YEAR, offering up the costumes and props to raise money for charity – except for the mechanical bull she rides in the show . . . And if you’ve seen Paul Reubens (aka ‘Pee Wee Herman’) hosting the ABC-TV game show “You Don’t Know Jack” and wondered about the weird hairdo, wonder no more — it’s a wig he scoffed from the set of the film “Blow” that’s covering his shaved head (guess he doesn’t want to be recognized in blue movie theaters — again).

MOVIES IN THE MAKIN’:
Jennifer Love Hewitt is in negotiations to co-star with Jackie Chan in the action-comedy “Tuxedo”, to be filmed in Toronto THIS FALL (movie directorial debut of Kevin Donovan who directed the ‘Joe Canadian’ beer ad) . . . “Legally Blonde” star Reese Witherspoon will next play “Honey West”, a bigscreen version of the vintage 1960s TV series about a hot babe who inherits her family’s detective business . . . Fresh off “The Score”, Robert De Niro will take over  a role intended for Jim Carrey in the comedy “Scared Guys”, about an agoraphobic forced to leave his home to prevent a murder.

ISN’T IT IRONIC?
A 25-year-old German woman who was told smoking was bad for her health fell 65 ft out of a Tuebingen hospital window while sneaking a cigarette (see, told ya lady!). However, she managed to escape serious injury because she landed in an — ‘ash’ tree. (On her ‘butt’, no doubt.)

BETTER THAN “FEAR FACTOR”:
NEXT MONTH, a Yorkshire, England man will attempt to perform 7 daredevil stunts in a single  day to raise money for charity. Among the stunts Jim Ellis-Beech will try — walking on an airplane wing, bungee jumping, hang-gliding, running through an army assault course and parachute jumping. Pretty gutsy — considering he’s 80-years-old!

HE WANTS SHAQ’S SHOES:
Seen the Nike ad for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya? The camera pans in on a Samburu tribesman who speaks in his native Maa language as the Nike slogan ‘Just do it’ appears onscreen. A University of Cincinnati anthropologist reveals that what the Kenyan is really saying is, “I don’t want these. Give me big shoes.” Nike spokesperson Elizabeth Dolan explains, “We thought nobody in America would know what he said.”

WEB GOODIES:
• The Website ‘Just a Tip’ sends free anonymous e-mail to your ‘friends’ telling them about their annoying habit whether it’s poor hygiene, nose hair, or a bad toupee. Some of the comments they send out in their tips are quite hilarious.
NET: http://www.justatip.com
• Internet company ‘Space Adventures’ is now taking bookings for a space vacation in 2003. The  sub-orbital flight, which includes 4 days of pre-flight training, will set you back a whopping $98,000. (But by next year when they’ve only sold 2 seats, it’ll be offered on Priceline.com for $7.98.)
NET: http://spaceadventures.com

THE BULL SHEET 07.19.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [54] Brian May, London ENG, classic rock guitarist/songwriter who collects royalties every time “We Will Rock You” is played at a sports event (Queen-“Bohemian Rhapsody”)

1960 [41] Atom Egoyan, Cairo EGYPT, Toronto-based film director (“Felicia’s Journey”, “The Sweet Hereafter”, “Exotica”)/wife Arsinée Khanjian appears in all his movies NEXT FILM: A bigscreen adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s novel “The Blind Assassin”, coming NEXT YEAR

1962 [39] Anthony Edwards, Santa Barbara CA, TV actor (Dr Mark Greene-“ER”, since 1994) who’s getting $35 million for the 3 TV seasons 1999-2002

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Edmonton] “Klondike Days” begin (http://www.klondikedays.com)
[Royal Lytham & St Annes in England] “British Open” begins

TODAY is “Stick Your Tongue Out Day” for some long forgotten reason. Anyway, now that you have it out try rolling it into a cylinder — only 1 in 14 people can do that! (And what a useful talent to have.)

TODAY IS “Flitch Day”, based on an old custom in which bacon was given to any married couple who could prove they had lived in harmony and fidelity for an entire year. Very few ‘took home the bacon’.

THIS MONTH is “National Hot Dog Month”. Hot dogs used to be eaten bunless, with the seller lending the eater protective gloves to wear. Then, an enterprising vendor named Anton Feuchtwanger developed the 1st ‘hot dog bun’. (He changed the name to ‘hot dog’ because he had trouble selling a ‘Foot-long Feuchtwanger’.)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1996 [05] Atlanta Summer Olympics opening

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1695 [306] 1st ‘personal ad’ looking for a spouse (“Single white Pilgrim wishes to meet . . .”)

1961 [40] 1st ‘in-flight movie’ shown, on TWA (“In Love Possessed”)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1985 [16] 7′-10″ George Bell of Durham NC wins title of ‘Big Foot’ with his size 28 ½ shoe

1994 [07] Largest ‘bubble-gum bubble’ has 23-inch diameter (Fresno CA)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Chess Day
[Fri] Moon Day
[Sat] National Junk Food Day
Captive Nations Week
Hay Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
WACKY PRODUCT LABELS:

• [Blow Dryer] “Do not use while sleeping.”
• “Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.”
• [Komatsu Floodlight] “This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.”
• [Liquid Plumber] “Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.”
• “This camera will only work when film is inside.”
• [Clairol Herbal Essence Maximum Hold Hairspray] “Avoid smoking until hair is dry.”
• [Baby Oil] “Keep out of reach of children.”
• [Rowenta Iron] “Never iron clothes on the body.”
• [Dial Soap] “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
• [Tesco's Tiramisu Desert] “Do not turn upside down.” (Printed on bottom of box.)

THE ORIGIN OF EXPRESSIONS:
• The saying, “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye”, is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was ‘no eye gouging’. Everything else was allowed. So the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone’s eye out.
• The expression “What in tarnation” is a contraction of the original epithet, “What in eternal damnation”.
• The saying, “It’s so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey”, comes from the days when cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation called a ‘brass monkey’. When it became extremely cold, they would crack and break off.

BS TRIVIA:
Q: What is the shortest complete sentence in the English language?
A: “Go.” (Just 2 letters.)

BS TAG LINE: I have to get up with the chickens. And believe me, when that alarm goes off they get a little testy.


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