Wednesday, July 18, 2001        Edition: #2101
Sheet Rocks!

BS THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM YOUR DOG:
• Take plenty of walks and naps.
• Stop to smell the roses (and the trees, and the hydrants . . .)
• Never bite the hand that feeds you.
• Don’t go out without your ID.
• Make the people you love feel welcome when they come home.
• Bark whenever you feel like it.
• Never chase after tail or you end up going in circles.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Margaret Atwood’s novel “Alias Grace” is being developed as a movie to star Cate Blanchett (Atwood and movies don’t mix – remember the bigscreen version of “The Handmaid’s Tale” — didn’t think so) . . . Madonna is said to be earning $1.5 million on her “Drowned World Tour” – per show . . . Lucy Liu is leaving the role of ‘Ling Woo’ on “Ally McBeal” after 4 more episodes to pursue a movie career based on her “Charlie’s Angels” success (and the fact no one can stand her on the show) . . . It’s been confirmed – Tom Cruise has been dating his “Vanilla Sky” co-star Penelope Cruz (just think, if they get married, she’ll by Mrs — oh never mind) . . . An Australian drug & alcohol rehab clinic has received and rejected 3 offers from TV producers wanting to make a reality show about its residents (hey, Robert Downey Jr might return to TV after all!).

21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘School Disco’ . . . The latest fad to hit the London club scene, where both men and women dress in traditional school uniforms — shorts and caps for guys, pleated skirts and blazers for chicks. Clubs specializing in the fad only admit patrons with the ‘proper attire’. (Same as the nightclub I go to Saturday nights – ‘The Rubber Room’.)
• ‘Pre-Sliced Peanut Butter’ . . . A new product being test-marketed by Oklahoma State University food researchers, it’s a prepackaged slab of PB that comes individually wrapped in plastic like processed cheese slices. Do we need this? Oh yes, say the inventors, it will make it possible for kids to make their own sandwiches. (Um, if your kid can’t handle a butter knife and a jar, perhaps some special ed is advised.)
• ‘Videophone’ . . . A phone on which callers can see each other, something that’s been touted as the ‘next big thing’ for years.  But recent test-marketing of the latest form of the technology in the UK has proven so successful, it’s predicted videophones will be the must-have gadget this Christmas — at about $1500 each. (What happens when your phone rings and you’re in your bathrobe and no makeup?)

DEFINITION OF SPANKING:
A case of alleged child abuse in Aylmer ON has received national attention, mainly because the local Church of God is defending the right of parents to physically punish children. According to the church’s Website on ‘Spanking and Responsible Parenting’, spanking is “one or a few slaps with the palm of the hand across the clothed buttocks”.
NET: http://www.abcog.org/nh/spanking.htm

REALLY HEAVENLY HASH:
A Wisconsin company has developed a new ice cream made with hemp that they call ‘HempScream’. (Wow, a tasty treat that creates and cures the munchies at the same time!)

THIS GUY SUCKS:
A Minnesota man has been arrested for disorderly conduct. His crime — approaching women and remarking on their pretty fingernails, then sucking their fingers. (His last victim had the last laugh — she was a proctologist.)

WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• A Vienna, Austria man was trapped for over 3 days in a sweltering portable toilet after running away from muggers. After he locked himself in, the robbers flipped the port-a-john on its side — with the door face down. (Dummy! What about the hole in the bottom?)
• Multinational cigarette maker Philip Morris has released a report in the Czech Republic suggesting that smoking actually reduces healthcare costs — because smokers die early. (Using this logic, we should encourage more drinking and driving!)
• There’s outrage in India over plans to surround the world famous Taj Mahal with fast-food outlets and a shopping center. (Bet they call it the ‘Taj Mall’.)
• A Baghdad newspaper is reporting that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is thinking about stepping down this SEPTEMBER. (He wants to spend more time with the family members he hasn’t executed yet.)

THE BULL SHEET 07.18.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1911 [90] Hume Cronyn, London ON, film actor (“The Pelican Brief”, “Cocoon”)/actress Jessica Tandy’s widower

1940 [61] James Brolin (Bruderlin), LA CA, movie actor (“Traffic”)/TV actor (“Pensacola: Wings of Gold”)/Mr Barbra Streisand

1940 [61] Joe Torre, Brooklyn NY, MLB manager (4 World Series championships-NY Yankees)

1941 [60] Martha Reeves, Detroit MI, Motown oldies singer (Martha & the Vandellas-“Heat Wave”)

1954 [47] Ricky Skaggs, Cordell KY, country singer (“Heartbroke”)/Grand Ole Opry host

1962 [39] Jack Irons, rock drummer (Pearl Jam-“Last Kiss”)

1967 [34] Vin Diesel, NYC, movie actor (“The Fast & the Furious”, “Saving Private Ryan”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Caviar Day”, a good day to scoop out the ol’ goldfish bowl before dinner.

TODAY is “Cow Appreciation Day”, a day to celebrate the ‘beauty of the bovine’, so don’t forget to polish your shoes, stroke your wallet and throw another steak on the BBQ.

ON THIS DAY . . .
1992 [09] Whitney Houston marries Bobby Brown

1996 [05] Shaq O’Neal slam-dunks Orlando Magic to sign 7-year, $120 million deal with LA Lakers (which buys them 2 NBA championships so far)

1999 [02] Stanley Kubrick’s final film “Eyes Wide Shut” tops movie box office, starring Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1936 [65] 1st Oscar Mayer ‘Wienermobile’

1994 [07] Crayola introduces 1st ‘scented crayons’

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1994 [07] Italian Rosanna Della Corte becomes world’s oldest-known woman to give birth, at age 62 (now her son Ricardo changes HER diapers)

1999 [02] David Cone pitches 14th MLB ‘perfect game’ in modern history to lead the NY Yankees to 6-0 win over Montreal Expos

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Edmonton’s Klondike Days begins
[Thurs] British Open begins (Royal Lytham & St Annes in England)
[Thurs] Stick Your Tongue Out Day
[Sat] National Junk Food Day
[July 27] Take Your Pants For A Walk Day
[July 31] National Orgasm Day (July 30 is ‘National Foreplay Day’)
Space Week
National Recreation and Parks Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS INTERVIEW:

You get a little something extra when you plant your loved ones with Ahlgrim & Sons Funeral Home in Palatine IL — there’s a 9-hole miniature golf course in the basement! ‘Ahlgrim Acres’ features coffins and headstones as obstacles along with piped-in screams and spooky music. What’s really tacky is, mini-golf is offered as part of the standard funeral package – and many people take it! There is, however, one modicum of tastefulness — play is suspended when a funeral is in progress.
PHONER: 847-358-7411

BS QUICK PICKS:
• What standard height do anthropologists use to determine if you’re a ‘pygmy’ — 3′-6″, 4′-11″, or 5′-2″? (To qualify as a ‘pygmies’, the average adult male must be less than 4 ft, 11 ins tall. Makes you wonder — does Tom Cruise wear a bone in his nose?)
• Though born in the US, Mel Gibson and his family moved to Australia after his father suddenly came into money. Did he — win big on “Jeopardy!”, sue the maker of a defective toaster, or strike it rich playing slots in Vegas? (He was a 1964 winner on the TV game show “Jeopardy!”.)
• What does the ‘M&M’ stand for on those little candies — ‘milk chocolate & malted’, ‘Mr & Mrs’, or ‘Mars & Merrie’? (They were named for Mars & Merrie, the candymaker’s two partners in the 1940s.)
• Which are the only mammals that can’t jump — elephants, slugs, or white men? (Elephants. Slugs aren’t mammals, they’re . . . gooey.)
• According to the Website “Where Are They Now?”, what is former multi-millionaire rapper MC Hammer’s current occupation – plumber, preacher, or skid row bum? (MC Hammer is apparently now a preacher.)

BS TAG LINE:
When you get right down to it, what’s Wednesday anyway? It’s just Monday without the attitude.


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