Thursday, July 12, 2001        Edition: #2097
Busier than a one-eyed cat watching 9 mouse holes.

TOMORROW is “Friday the 13th”, considered a really unlucky day. And here’s some other . . .

• Bad things come in trees.
• Never walk under a black cat.
• Wait until Thursday to drink any wine made on Wednesday.
• If you break a mirror, you get 7 years of really bad shaves.
• Lightning can’t find you if you hold really still.
• While one foot is lucky, an entire rabbit is even luckier — although it tends to make your key chain a tad heavy.

Actor Kevin Bacon, now touring in support of the Bacon Brothers new CD “Can’t Complain”, tells “People” mag his rock band is so boring they’re famous for going into hotel rooms — and  cleaning them up . . . In a “Vanity Fair” interview, one of Hugh Hefner’s 7 live-in girlfriends says being with Hef is ‘just like being in school’, except there’s no homework, you get to stay out late partying and you don’t have to listen to anybody (if only boobs were brains) . . . Madonna has real estate agents combing London to find her a pub to buy and has reportedly already begun putting together a staff for what’s likely to be an exclusive members-only club (no other club would let her in?) . . . Word is the Meg Ryan-Russell Crowe affair is BACK ON, with UK’s “Sun” reporting they recently shared sheets in a $2000-a-night suite at NYC’s posh Mercer Hotel . . . Ben Affleck has dyed his hair blonde (to avoid being recognized from “Pearl Harbor”?) . . . And, from the no kidding department, Paula Poundstone has decided to postpone a comedy tour scheduled to begin July 21.

A soon-to-be-published British study has found that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 20 men are stalked at some point in their lives. (Just look at Pam Anderson. Oh, sorry. That’s stalked, not stacked.)

In order to prove that a new patent system introduced by the Australian government is flawed, Melbourne lawyer John Keogh has just taken out a patent — on the wheel. (Now if he can manage to collect royalties, he’ll top the next “Forbes” list.)

• The International Astronomical Union, recognized authority for naming celestial bodies, has just named asteroids after the Beatles, Bruce Springsteen and Beach Boys founder Brian Wilson. They join minor planets previously named for Elvis Presley, Eric Clapton, Jerry Garcia and Frank Zappa. (For Courtney Love, they are trying to find an extremely rare ‘asteroid hole’.)
• NASA scientists say they are now sure there is water on Mars and where there is water there could be intelligent life (if you don’t count Newfoundland). But NASA warns that any life on Mars would not be that intelligent and would weigh less than half of what it would on Earth. (You know what that means? There could be supermodels up there!)

• A Connecticut man has been arrested for having sex with a cow. (When asked what he was thinking at the time, he said ‘a younger, hotter cow’.)
• Scientists in Denmark have developed a scent that sexually stimulates women. (Apparently it smells like a new VISA card.)
• The British army is attempting to boost morale by allowing women to receive free breast implants. (The operations will take place on ‘Double D Day’.)
• A man in India who has grown his fingernails for 50 years, now has nails 4-feet-long. (The scariest part is he’s a proctologist.)


1908 [93] Milton Berle (Mendel Berlinger) aka ‘Mr Television’, ‘Uncle Miltie’, NYC, pioneering TV personality (“Texaco Star Theater”)

1920 [81] Pierre Berton, Dawson YK, Canadian author (“The Last Spike”)/TV personality

1937 [64] Bill Cosby, Philadelphia PA, comedian/former #1 TV actor (“The Cosby Show”)

1943 [58] Christine McVie, Birmingham ENG, classic rock singer (Fleetwood Mac-“Dreams”)

1948 [53] Richard Simmons, New Orleans LA, weight loss guru (“Sweatin’ to the Oldies”, “Deal-a-Meal”)/punch line of a million jokes

1967 [34] Bruny Surin, born Cap Haitien HAITI, raised in Montreal, Canadian sprinter (4X100m relay ‘96 Olympic Gold, ran 2nd fastest 100m all-time — 9.84 in ‘99)

1969 [32] Lisa Nicole Carson, Brooklyn NY, TV actress who’s being dumped from her role as Renée Radick on “Ally McBeal” but will still make appearances as Carla Reese on “ER”

1977 [24] Seann William Scott, Cottage Grove MN, movie actor (“American Pie”, “Dude, Where’s My Car?”) NEXT FILM : “American Pie 2″, opening AUGUST 10

1991 [10] Erik Per Sullivan, Milford MA, TV actor (Dewey Wilkerson-“Malcolm in the Middle”/movie actor (“Armageddon”, “The Cider House Rules”)

TODAY is “International Town Crier’s Day”, recognizing the ‘ancient and honorable art of town crying’. (“7 o’clock and all’s well!”)

TODAY is “Orangemen’s Day” in Northern Ireland, a national holiday commemorating the battle of Boyne in 1690 when Protestant forces defeated Catholic. (Always a good excuse for a riot.)

TONIGHT Montréal’s annual “Just For Laughs” festival gets underway and continues through July 22. This year’s yukfest is headlined by parody rock band Spinal Tap (Christopher Guest, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer), “Will & Grace” star Megan Mullally, “The Daily Show’s” Jon Stewart, ‘You might be a redneck’ comedian Jeff Foxworthy, and Scott Thompson of “Kids In The Hall”. The festival will also feature the North American debut of the off-the-wall British production “Puppetry Of The Penis”, described as ‘an adults-only show that features two men who manipulate their genitals into various shapes, objects and landmarks’. Alrighty then.

TOMORROW the 30th running of the “Canadian International Turtle Derby” gets underway in Boissevain MB (and ends about 3 years from now).
PHONER: 204-534-6000/204-534-7227 (Ivan Strain) or 204-534-6280/204-534-2359 (Wayne Pringle)

1998 [03] Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman announces the Spice Girls have backed out of a promise to perform at a free outdoor event at Toronto’s City Hall, choosing instead to appear on MuchMusic (bitter bitter)

1949 [52] 1st ‘warning track’ in front of fences in MLB (first proposed by outfielder Willy ‘Flatface’ McCoy)

1960 [41] 1st ‘Etch-A-Sketch’ goes on sale (Frenchman Arthur Granjean invented it in his garage in the late ’50s and originally called it “L’Ecran Magique”, French for ‘The Magic Crayon’. The international ‘Etch-A-Sketch Club’ now has more than 35,000 members, including some 78 ‘professional’ Etch-A-Sketch artists.)

1981 [20] 1st time a woman is ordered to pay alimony to her ex-husband

1998 [03] 1st-ever World Cup soccer championship for France, beating Brazil 3-0 (1.7 billion watch around-the-world)

[Fri] 2008 Olympic site decision, in Moscow
[Sat] National Nude Day
[Sun] Molson Indy Toronto (
[Sun] Respect Canada Day
[Sun] National Ice Cream Day
Special Recreation Week
Hitchhiking Month (aka ‘End Your Life Young by Being Strangled by a Maniac Month’)


Two of the following are true, the other one is pure BS. But which one?
• Before he became a movie star, Warren Beatty played restaurant dinner music on the piano.
• Before he became a movie star, Mel Gibson was a circus magician. (BS)
• Before he became a movie star, Michael Douglas got a BA in pre-law.

• More “Monopoly” money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!
• 13 people a year are killed by vending machines falling on them.
• A coat hanger is 48 inches long if straightened. (BS. 44 ins.)

• In ancient Rome, prostitutes were required by law to be blonde.
• In ancient Greece, natural blondes dyed their hair black.
• In ancient China, blondes were considered to be angels. (BS)

• A crocodile can stick its tongue out. (BS. It can’t.)
• A snail can sleep for 3 years.
• Butterflies taste with their feet.

“I have offended God and mankind because my work didn’t reach the quality it should have.”
a) Stockwell Day
b) Tom Green
c) Leonardo Da Vinci
[It was the oh-so-modest Leonardo Da Vinci. His tiny, 3-by-5 inch, 15th-century drawing “Horse and Rider” sold for $11.4 million at Christie’s auction house in London TUESDAY, setting a world record price for his works.]

BS TAG LINE: Today’s program was so great, I may even leave by the front entrance.

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