Wednesday, July 4, 2001 Edition: #2091
Think! It gives you something to do while the computer is down.
BS WAYS DOGS & MEN ARE THE SAME:
• Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
• Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
• Both are suspicious of the mailman.
• Neither does any dishes.
• Neither understands what you see in cats.
• The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• According to the “Sun”, Mariah Carey is in talks about a possible role as a ‘Bond girl’ in the next ‘James Bond’ adventure, 20th of the series. Word is she’s been offered the role of a bad guy. (Who tortures ‘007′ by screeching 3 octaves above high C.)
• “Star” notes that Princess Di’s money-grubbing brother, Earl Spencer, has upset Britain’s royal family by announcing he’s turning his 300-acre estate beside his sister’s grave — into a B&B. (‘Diana’s Laid-to-Rest & English Breakfast’?)
• “New York Daily News” says George Clooney is tickled to hear reports saying he’s the reason Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt have split up. “I didn’t have time,” he tells the tab, “I was too busy breaking up Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s marriage.”
• “E! Online” reports the city of Liverpool, England will rename its airport ‘The Liverpool John Lennon Airport’ when its new terminal opens NEXT SPRING. (After the first crash landing, it’ll be changed to the ‘John ONO Lennon Airport’.)
• According to “Star”, Kate Hudson and Black Crowes rocker/hubby Chris Robinson have been living with her mom Goldie Hawn until they find a West Coast place of their own. In fact, they’re staying in Kate’s teenage bedroom, still decorated with her dolls, toys and posters. Word is Chris finds it a turn-on. (Especially during thunderstorms when they get to crawl into bed with mommy.)
HUMAN DETECTION FACTS:
• You can see a candle flame from 50 kilometres on a clear, dark night.
• You can hear the tick of a watch from 6 metres in very quiet conditions.
• You can taste one gram of salt in 500 litres of water.
• You can detect one drop of perfume diffused throughout a 3-room apartment.
• You can detect the wing of a bee falling on your cheek from a height of 1 centimetre.
STUPID BUT TRUE:
• Police in Wichita KS arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass 2 (obviously counterfeit) $16-BILLS.
• A man in Johannesburg, South Africa shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.
• A bus carrying 5 passengers was hit by a car in St Louis MO, but by the time police arrived on the scene,14 pedestrians had boarded the bus and begun complaining about whiplash and back injuries.
WHY YOUR BAGGAGE IS IN PAGO PAGO:
Paul Hudson, executive director of the Aviation Consumer Action Project, claims that it’s cheaper for airlines to let luggage be lost or stolen than to pay for security because the Department of Transportation limits an airline’s liability to $2,500 per passenger. (Let that be a lesson – always put your cocaine in your carry-on.)
A Romanian doctor claims he has invented a device that can give a woman 16 orgasms in a minute. It runs on rechargeable batteries and uses electrodes placed on the butt and spine to give off weak electrical pulses. Dr Nicolae Gheorghiu boasts, “It’s more effective for a woman than having 30 men.” (And at over a half-hour, lasts longer too.)
FROM THE POLL VAULT:
• According to a newlywed survey in “Bride’s Magazine”, 70% say they have ‘fooled around’ while driving, 31% have had sex with a partner who’s asleep and, not surprisingly, 67% report more sex before marriage than after. (Does this explain why 7 out of 10 cars in Las Vegas are weaving all over the road?)
• A new survey of 1,400 brides who had big formal weddings shows most of them weren’t
happy with them. In fact, 87% wished they had eloped. (99% of the now-destitute fathers-of-the-bride agreed.)
• Here’s another reason to love vacations — in a “Ladies’ Home Journal” survey of resort-goers, 75% of couples polled say their ‘passion’ peaks during vacations and lasts up to 4 weeks afterward.
• A “Health” magazine survey finds that one-third of pet owners turn on the radio or TV to keep pets company before they go out. (So when’s the last time you spoke directly to this huge chunk of your audience?)
• In a recent nationwide survey, 65% of male respondents claim they could pick their sex organ out of a photo line-up. ([Your co-host] says he could do it — even if it IS on microfilm.)
THE BULL SHEET 07.04.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1918  Ann Landers/Abigail Van Buren, Sioux City IA, twin sister newspaper advice columnists (“Ann Landers”/”Dear Abby”)
1943  Geraldo Rivera, NYC, obnoxious journalist/talk show host (CNBC)
1963  Matt Malley, rock musician (Counting Crows-“Mr Jones”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Caribbean Community] “Caribbean Day” (1973)
[USA] “National Country Music Day”
[USA] “Independence Day”
TODAY-Saturday “Circus Erotica” opens in Oswestry, England for what may be it’s only performances. It’s a basic circus but with a bit of a twist – the fire-eaters, jugglers and trapeze artists are all naked, and the ringmaster is a drag queen. (Wow, this really IS a circus!)
JULY is “Ice Cream Month”. Here’s some BS Ice cream facts . . .
• Possibly first invented by the Chinese around 200 BC, who mixed snow with milk and rice. (Ah! So it’s actually ‘rice cleam’.)
• Roman Emperor Nero Claudius Caesar was served a dessert made of snow and fruit juices.
• Explorer Marco Polo returned to Europe from the Far East with a recipe for an ice and milk dessert that became popular among the wealthy.
• The ‘portable hand-cranked ice cream freezer’ was invented in 1846.
• The ‘ice cream cone’ was invented in 1904 and presented at the St Louis Exposition.
• In 1977, Dennett D’Angelo set a world record for eating 3 lbs, 6 ozs in 90 seconds!
WEIRD 4TH OF JULY FESTIVALS IN USA:
• “International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest”, Eau Claire MI (616-782-7101)
• “11th Annual Sidewalk Egg-Frying Challenge”, Oatman AZ (520-768-6222)
• “World’s Greatest Lizard Race”, Lovington NM (505-396-5311)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1937  1st successful helicopter flight (coincidently that helicopter is still being used by the Canadian Armed Forces)
1939  NY Yankees ‘retire’ 1st baseball uniform (Lou Gehrig’s #4)
TODAY’S RECORDS. . .
1983  ‘Longest tree sit’ begins, eventually lasting 431 days
1999  Tampa Bay Devil Rays’ Jose Canseco smacks his 30th HR of the season vs Toronto to become 1st MLB player to hit 30 homers with 4 different teams (also did it with Texas Rangers, Toronto Blue Jays, and with the Oakland Athletics 5 times)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Workaholics Day
[Fri] National Fried Chicken Day
Be Kind To New Jersey Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
MOST POPULAR ICE CREAM FLAVORS:
1. Vanilla (20% of all sales)
3. Butter Pecan
(Source: International Ice Cream Association)
Ask listeners to call in the strangest flavors they’ve tried. ‘Chocolate Sweet Potato’ anyone?
THE WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ?
Q: Which country makes the most ‘Panama hats’?
Q: From which animal do we get ‘catgut’?
A: From sheep and horses.
Q: What was King George VI’s first name?
A: Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called ‘Albert’, her husband’s name.
Q: What is a ‘camel’s hair’ brush made of?
A: Squirrel fur.
Q: Where are ‘Chinese gooseberries’ from?
A: New Zealand.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Is your job a dating turn-off? Why?” (Mortician, garbage collector, stripper, etc)
• “What’s your most creative way to keep cool in the summer heat?” (Mint suppositories!)
• “What’s your fantasy car? But what do you drive now?”
BS TAG LINE:
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.