July 25, 2000     Your Regular Morning Sheet     Edition:  #1853

BS WAYS TO MAKE GOLF TOUGHER FOR TIGER WOODS:
• Force him to use putter on every shot.
• Replace golf shoes with those pointed little elf shoes.
• ‘Boat race’ with John Daly at each tee.
• Replace golf ball with bowling ball.
• Required to take one Viagra for each birdie.
• Must now sprint from shot-to-shot.
• Has to take his swings from moving golf cart.
• Quicksand traps.
(Thanks to input from “Hecklers”)

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“Survivor” is now the highest-rated summer TV series of all time . . . “Survivor” contestant Kelly could face up to 15 months in jail if she’s convicted on a 5-year-old warrant for using a stolen credit card in Greensboro NC (great place to hide out when you’re on the lam — national TV) . . . Environmentalists are complaining “Survivor” contestants have damaged the island of Pulau Tiga and it will take a long time for the place to recover (yeah, the natives have to put back all the plumbing and electricity, and re-build their local McDonald’s) . . . CBS has received over 6,200 applications to appear as a contestant in “Survivor 2: The Australian Outback”, which will debut after the Super Bowl in JANUARY (deadline for applications is this FRIDAY) . . . A new Blockbuster survey picks “The Sixth Sense” as the ‘Movie with the Best Ending’ (and John Travolta’s “Battlefield Earth” the ‘Movie Ending That Should Have Been 2 Hours Closer to the Movie Beginning’).

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Leonardo DiCaprio stars as a young thrill-seeker who stumbles upon a map that leads to a legendary island paradise in the bigtime box office bomb “The Beach” . . . Everyone in an entire town becomes a suspect in the comedy whodunnit “Drowning Mona”, starring Danny DeVito, Bette Midler, Neve Campbell and Jamie Lee Curtis . . . The drama “Magnolia” features an ensemble cast highlighted by Tom Cruise in two parallel and intercut stories about a man about to die . . . Jeremy Sisto has the title role in the made-for-TV movie “Jesus” (I’m skippin this one, I already read the book).

WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• An 18-year-old prankster in Brazil was mooning friends from a speeding convertible when he fell out of the car and died on the highway. (It was the country’s first lunar eclipse of the year.)
• In Denmark, scientists say they’ve developed a scent that is guaranteed to make women become aroused. (Apparently it smells just like a brand new VISA card.)
• A South African hospital will soon begin awarding a weekly plastic surgery operation to the highest bidder in an auction on the Internet. A range of cosmetic operations from breast enhancements to fat removal will be offered at a starting price of 1 Rand, about 14 cents. (“And the bidding is up to a buck a boob . . .”)

FORGET WORSE, IT’S FOR BETTER:
According to new research by a University of Chicago sociologist, married people seem to be happier overall than singles. They live longer, save more money, consume less alcohol and drugs, and HAVE SEX MORE OFTEN. (Note to self – pass this piece of news along to the wife.)

THE BULL SHEET 07.25.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955     [45] Iman (Abdulmajid), Mogadishu SOM, model/Mrs David Bowie since 1992
1967    [33] Matt LeBlanc, Newton MA, TV actor (Joey Tribbiani-“Friends”) NOTE: He’ll take to the bigscreen again in the comedy “All the Queen’s Men”, soon-to-shoot in Europe (we can only hope it’s better than his dumb chimp comedy “Ed” and that godawful bigscreen version of “Lost in Space” that he was in)
1978    [22] Louise Joy Brown, Oldham ENG, world’s first ‘test tube baby’, conceived through what was then the new technique of in-vitro fertilization (born under the sign of Pyrex)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Tons of diehard fans of ‘The King’ are expected for the 6th annual “Collingwood Elvis Festival” Friday-Monday in Collingwood ON, which includes Elvis look-alike and singing contests, and the ‘World’s Largest Elvis Parade’. But why is this in Collingwood?
PHONER: 705-444-1162
NET: http://www.collingwood.net/elvis/

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1992    [08] 25th Olympics open in Barcelona SPA with newly-formed ‘Unified Team’ representing 12 republics of former USSR
1999    [01] “Woodstock ’99″ music festival in Rome NY ends with rowdies setting fires and looting

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1871    [129] 1st ‘merry-go-round’ (William Schneider-Davenport IA)
1993    [07] “Politically Incorrect with Bill Mayer” debuts (first on Comedy Central, now on ABC-Tv)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] “National Milk Chocolate Day”
“National Farm Safety Week” (when walking through the pasture, be careful!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
ACTUAL HEADLINES FROM LATEST EDITIONS OF TABLOIDS:

• “Scientists grow human arms & legs — on trees!”
• “Using a hula-hoop can get you abducted by aliens!”
• “Electrician, 54, killed by flatulence!”
• “Father tickles 8-year-old son to death!”
• “Stupid squirrels forget where they hide their nuts, say researchers”

BS TRIVIA:
Q: What time of the day is the busiest traffic time?
A: According to “Canadian Social Trends”, some 2 million people or 8% of Canada’s adult population is on the road at 8 am on a weekday. But the busiest time is actually just after 5 pm, when a whopping 12% of Canadians are traveling by car.

Q: Who is currently the highest-paid woman in professional sports?
A: Tennis star Anna Kournikova. She’s pulling in something like $15 million a year for tournament appearances and endorsements, even though she has yet to win a major event! Why? Mostly due to her looks and personality.

BS TAG LINE:
High heels were invented by a women who had been kissed on the forehead.


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