July 13, 2000 Sheet Happens! Edition: #1845
BS INDICATIONS YOU’LL DIE A VIRGIN:
• When you ‘slip into something more comfortable’, it’s usually sweat pants.
• Prostitutes regularly pay you NOT to have sex with them.
• People often say you bear a striking resemblance to ‘Mimi’ on “Drew Carey Show”.
• Often find yourself wondering, “Should there BE cobwebs on my penis?”
• Your boyfriend dumped you for Chelsea Clinton.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Phil Hartman’s home town of Brantford ON honors the late TV comic at a comedy festival at Sanderson Centre for the Performing Arts . . .‘Sporty Spice’ Mel C denies that she’s lesbian, even though she has a new ‘butch’ hairdo, a bunch of tattoos and shared a bed with her female assistant Ying Yau while on vacation (apparently she never touched her ying or her yang).
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
Since Harrison Ford refuses to return to the role, there’s a rush to sign Ben Affleck to play CIA man ‘Jack Ryan’ in the next Tom Clancy novel-turned-movie “The Sum of All Fears” . . . A British casting agent has quit the movie version of “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone”, saying she’s being pressured to cast an American in the lead role of ‘Harry’ (one other minor concession to the US market — the setting changes from ‘Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry’ near Hogsmeade to ‘The Learning Annex’ in Newark.)
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Infonesia’ . . . A new malady of the information age when we’re bombarded by facts from all sides. This is the inability to remember where you saw or heard a specific piece of information. (Source: can’t remember)
• ‘Stuff Reduction’ . . . One of the results of a hot new trend toward ‘voluntary simplicity’. “Trends Research Institute” says a growing number of us are accumulating fewer possessions for a couple of reasons: wanting to do something meaningful instead of working like dogs just to pay bills, and reducing costs in order be able to quit the rat race sooner. (Source: “Globe & Mail”)
CRIME OF THE WEEK:
A weirdo in Sweden broke into a woman’s house and Super Glue-ed his nose to hers. The culprit has no prior criminal record and says he really doesn’t know why he did it.
WHERE HAVE ALL THE PJ’S GONE?
According to a new survey, most single men sleep in the nude! A full 80% of bachelors polled hit the hay naked, while only 19% sleep in underwear and less than 1% wear pajamas.
WACKY NEW INVENTIONS:
• Britain’s Hazlewood Foods has developed the ‘Conewich’, a new cone-shaped sandwich with bread wrapped around the ingredients which can be held in one hand. (Because the other one is always busy with a damn cell phone.)
• A Russian engineering prof has invented ‘Gasoline-Powered Boots’ which incorporate 12-inch pistons that strap along the calf and fire downward. When you step down, a metal plate pushes away from the sole and blasts you up in the air. In tests, users have achieved up to 25 mph. (I get the same result from a double latte.)
THE BULL SHEET 07.13.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934  Peter Gzowski, Toronto ON, semi-retired radio/TV broadcaster/journalist (CBC)
1940  Patrick Stewart, Mirfield ENG, TV/film actor (Cpt Jean-Luc Picard-“Star Trek: The Next Generation”/stars as ‘Professor X’ in “X-Men” opening TOMORROW
1942  Harrison Ford, Chicago, IL, film actor (“Random Hearts”, “Air Force One”, “Star Wars” & “Indiana Jones” series)/next stars opposite Michelle Pfeiffer in the mystery/thriller “What Lies Beneath” opening JULY 21
1946  (Richard) Cheech Marin, East Los Angeles CA, TV actor (Joe Dominguez-“Nash Bridges”)/movie actor (“Tin Cup”, “Cheech & Chong” films)
1973  Deborah Cox, Toronto ON, R&B/pop singer (“We Can’t Be Friends”, “It’s Over Now”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
The 18th annual “Just For Laughs” (or “Juste Pour Rire”), the world’s largest comedy festival, yuks it up TODAY-July 23rd in Montréal. Some 500,000 will take in performances by over 600 artists from 14 countries. This year’s headliners include Tim Allen, William Shatner, Eric Idle and Louis Anderson.
NET: www.hahaha.com PHONER: 514-845-3155 x2259 (Robin Altman)
Grey-power group ‘The Geezer Brigade’ has declared JULY “Appreciate A Geezer Month”, when the public is asked to appreciate elders instead of relegating them to the trash heap of life. The group notes that geezers not only have most of the money but “are having greater sex than anyone ever suspected”!
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999  Baseball’s ‘Team of the Century’ is honored at 70th All-Star Game in Boston, led by the legendary Ted Williams who throws out first pitch (Pete Rose is asked if he should apologize)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1953  1st ‘Stratford Festival’ celebrates Shakespeare in Stratford ON (Sir Alec Guinness opens in “Richard III”)
1982  1st MLB All-Star Game outside USA (Montréal’s Olympic Stadium)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] National Nude Day (the ultimate ‘Casual Friday’)
[Sat] Respect Canada Day
Take Charge of Change Week
Air Conditioning Appreciation Days
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS CLASSIC ROCK QUIZ:
We give you lyrics from a classic hit, you identify it . . .
• “Tearing me apart like a new emotion.” [ANSWER: “Here Comes The Rain Again”, Eurhythmics]
• “Tell you what I got in mind ‘Cause we’re runnin’ out of time.” [ANSWER: “She Drives Me Crazy”, Fine Young Cannibals]
• “Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice Oh, and it lights up the night” [ANSWER: “Gypsy”, Fleetwood Mac]
Q: What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row of a Backstreet Boys concert.
BS TAG LINE: It’s not the pace of life that concerns me. It’s the sudden stop at the end.