Tuesday, July 22, 2008        Edition: #3819
You’ve Got Yourself in Deep Sheet!

A rep for Salma Hayek has confirmed the actress will NOT be wedding her billionaire baby daddy, Frenchman Francois-Henri Pinault (CEO of Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent, and Balenciaga), but offers no reason (he cut off the freebies perhaps?) . . . Hollywood couple Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner are indeed expecting their 2nd child, an insider revealing she’s already 5 months along in her pregnancy (their first daughter, Violet, was born in 2005) . . . “The Dark Knight” official domestic gross of $155 million ($195 million worldwide) is the biggest 3-day weekend opening in box office history, surpassing “Spider-Man 3’s” $151 million a year ago (wow, that Heath Ledger promotional stunt really paid off!) . . . “Grey’s Anatomy” creator Shonda Rhimes has reveled that star Katherine Heigl actually REQUESTED fewer storylines last season in order to accommodate her film schedule, then recently had the balls to publicly bitch about it (she just gets more & more charming) . . . Movie star Matthew McConaughey is looking to start a record label and his first signed artist is some reggae guy called Mishka (we’re guessing surf rock guitarist Dick Dale could be next, even if he is 71) . . . 23-year-old actor Scott Michael Foster from the new ABC Family comedy “Greek” has been arrested in Hollywood on suspicion of DUI (didn’t take him long to develop ‘star syndrome’) . . . And bubble-butted reality TV star Kim Kardashian (“Keeping Up With the Kardashians“) has reportedly been tapped as a celebrity contestant for the next season of “Dancing With the Stars” (let’s get ready to rumbaaaaaa!).

• ”Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – “In Love With a Girl” singer Gavin DeGraw performs.
• ”Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Alanis Morissette is onstage.
• ”Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Bluegrass singer Ricky Skaggs is a guest.
• Miley Cyrus – The 15-year-old billion-dollar spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus releases the new album “Breakout”, perhaps named to reflect her break with the ‘Hannah Montana’ character. It’s the follow up to her 3X-platinum debut solo album “Meet Miley Cyrus”. Also TODAY, bidding begins on eBay for the chance to accompany her to the premiere of her upcoming film, “Bolt”. Proceeds go to the new Pappy Cyrus Family Foundation children’s charity.
• U2 – Remastered, expanded editions of their first 3 albums: “Boy” (1980), “October” (1981) and “War” (1983), are being released.
• ”The View” (ABC/CTV) – Country duo Sugarland is on.

• Amy Winehouse – Her 26-year-old hubby Blake Fielder-Civil has been ordered to serve a further 18 months in prison for beating up a pub landlord after pleading guilty to ‘Causing Grievous Bodily Harm’ and ‘Conspiracy to Pervert the Course of Justice’. (BS translation: Screwing Up Bigtime.)
• Fleetwood Mac – Mick Fleetwood’s 6-year-old daughter is said to be fully recovered after almost drowning in a pool accident at his LA home. Word is she was doing cartwheels near the pool, hit her head, and fell in. (We’re still trying to figure how he fathered a daughter at age 112.)
• Janet Jackson – A US federal appeals court has tossed the $550,000 FCC fine levied against CBS-TV for her infamous 2004 ‘wardrobe malfunction’ during the Super Bowl halftime show. The court has ruled the FCC acted ‘arbitrarily and capriciously’. (BS translation: They boobed.)
• Kid Rock – His 2007 Waffle House beatdown case in DeKalb County, Georgia is finally over. He’s entered a plea of no contest and accepted a $1,000-fine, 80 hours community service, 12 months probation, 6 anger management classes. (And a partridge in a …)
• Tupac Shakur – The late rapper’s 1995 green Jaguar XLS convertible is being auctioned off on eBay, with bids starting at $40,000. Shakur was murdered in a drive-by shooting in Las Vegas in 1996. (A couple wads of chewing gum will hide those bullet holes in the door.)

• “21“ ( Drama ): Loosely based on a true story, Jim Sturgess (“Across the Universe”) plays an MIT math whiz who’s recruited by a shifty professor (Kevin Spacey) for a shady blackjack card-counting team that makes a ton of dough in Vegas … until casino security figures out their game. Co-stars Kate Bosworth & Laurence Fishburne. Available in a ‘2-Disc Deluxe Edition’.
• Also released TODAY: “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Fastest Thing in Time” (TV); “Kiss Of the Spider Woman – 2-Disc Collector’s Edition”; “Las Vegas: Season 5 (TV); and “Super Mario Bros Super Show: Mario Of the Deep” (TV).

Who has the toughest job in the world? It might just be Hamood Massam al-Yakoubi, the head of the Iraqi Tourism Board. Yes, Iraq really does have a tourism industry and al-Yakoubi has just wound up a conference for some 200 tour operators, hoteliers, and tourism officials in an attempt to lure back the tourist dollars that once came from around-the-world. LAST YEAR 95% of visitors to Iraq were religious tourists from Iran. (The other 5% were either lost or Al-Qaeda.)
– “Times Online”

A snapshot of life by the numbers …
• 40% of women who get breast implants eventually have them removed.
• 37% of women think it’s ‘creepy’ for a man over the age of 35 to have a tattoo.
• 33% of parents cut crusts off bread for their kids.
• 25% of parents would rather their children did NOT follow in their footsteps in the same job.
• 20% of workers regularly have after-work drinks with co-workers, where the most common mishaps range from bad-mouthing another worker to kissing a colleague and drinking too much.
• 7% of pet dogs are said to suffer obsessive-compulsive disorder, exhibiting repetitive behavior such as chasing the tail, over-grooming, and/or jumping up-and-down.

Based on type of work, proportional pay and overall satisfaction, these are the jobs that don’t live up to their glossy image (listed alphabetically) …
• Advertising Executive
• Architect
• Attorney
• Chef
• Chiropractor
• Clinical Psychologist
• Medical Scientist
• Nonprofit Manager
• Physician
• Police Officer
• Real Estate Agent
• Small-Business Owner
• Teacher
– “US News & World Report”

• Among the guidelines for caterers at the Democratic National Convention NEXT MONTH in Denver – The food on each plate should include at least 3 of these colors: red, green, yellow, blue/purple, and white.
– “Rocky Mountain News”
• In a new poll, pet owners favor presidential candidate John McCain (who has turtles, dogs and parakeets, among other animals) over Barack Obama (who has no pets) by 42% to 37%. Among non-pet owners, Obama leads McCain by a similar margin.
– “Minneapolis Star Tribune”

• A 56-year-old Illinois woman woke up recently to find her right big toe missing after her beloved miniature dachshund had … gnawed it off. The woman was unaware as she has no feeling in her toes due to nerve damage from diabetes. A veterinarian suggests a bandage for an ingrown nail on the toe may somehow have attracted the dog. ‘Roscoe’ has since been put down.
• British church officials are investigating a couple’s complaint that a vicar threw their 2-year-old son out of their wedding ceremony … for being too noisy. It seems the lad had the temerity to keep calling out to his dad during the nuptials. The hair-triggered pastor also ejected a guest who subsequently complained, telling her not to make a scene.
• A bride in Italy is suing a designer after her $4,000-wedding dress came apart at the seams on her big day. The 30-year-old claims her wedding was ruined by the poor stitching, which left her bottom on display to guests. According to the writ, she was left in tears and the priest did not know which way to look. The incident was apparently a foreshadowing of bigger problems: she’s now separated from her husband.

• Male mosquitoes live on nectar and plant juices. Females drink blood.
– “Discover Magazine”
• An adult bat can eat more than 4,000 mosquitoes in a single night.
• For ‘Bruce Wayne’ to attain the physical skills of ‘Batman’, he would have to train for 10-to-12 years, according to Paul Zehr, author of “Becoming Batman: The Possibility Of a Superhero”.
– sciam.com
• In prehistoric times, ‘double-income’ families were the norm, with women providing 60-to-80% of the evening meal.
– BBC News
• There are close to 2 trillion ways to feed a shoelace through the 6 pairs of eyelets on the average shoe (1,961,990,553,600 to be exact).
– shoe-lacing.com
• The most overused sports cliché is said to be “We’re taking it one game at a time”, followed by “We have to give 110%”.
NET: http://sportscliche.com
– brownielocks.com

1940 [68] Alex Trebek, Sudbury ON, TV game show host (“Jeopardy” since 1984)

1946 [62] Danny Glover, San Francisco CA, movie actor (“Dreamgirls”, “Lethal Weapon”)

1947 [61] Albert Brooks (Einstein), Beverly Hills CA, movie actor (“Finding Nemo”, “Broadcast News”)

1947 [61] Don Henley, Linden TX, classic rock/country musician (“Boys of Summer”, Eagles-“How Long”, “Hotel California”)

1947 [61] Gilles Duceppe, Montréal QC, federal Bloc Québécois leader since 1997

1949 [59] Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Dubai UAE, Ruler of Dubai/Prime Minister & VP of the United Arab Emirates/estimated net worth of $16 billion/owner of world’s longest yacht, ‘Dubai’ (163 metres/530 feet)

1955 [53] Willem Dafoe, Appleton WI, movie actor (“Spider-Man” films, “The Aviator”)

1964 [44] David Spade, Birmingham MI, TV actor (‘Russell’ on ”Rules of Engagement” since 2007, “8 Simple Rules” 2004-05, “Just Shoot Me” 1997-2003)/movie actor (“The Benchwarmers”, “Joe Dirt”)

1973 [35] Rufus Wainwright, Rhinebeck NY [raised Montréal], singer/songwriter (“Hallelujah”, “Rules & Regulations”)/son of folk singers Kate McGarrigle & Loudon Wainwright III

1974 [34] Franka Potente, Dulmen, Germany, movie actress (“The Bourne Supremacy”, “The Bourne Identity”)  COMING UP: The Steven Soderbergh bio-films about Che Guevera, “The Argentine” and “Guerrilla”, opening later THIS YEAR.

• “Hammock Day”, honoring the most relaxing thing you can swing between 2 trees. The perfect excuse to slow down and loaf during the ‘Dog Days of Summer’.

• “Rat-Catchers Day”, observed on the anniversary of the fabled ‘Pied Piper of Hamelin’ (Germany) piping the town’s rats into the Weser River back in 1376.

• “Spooner’s Day”, honoring the 1844 birth of William Archibald Spooner in London UK, who accidentally invented ‘spoonerisms’ – slips of the tongue like ‘queer old dean’ instead of ‘dear old queen’ or ‘blushing crow’ for ‘crushing blow’.

1991 [17] Actor Rob Lowe weds Sheryl Berkoff (then begins hitting on the household staff)

1998 [10] 1st ‘All Whale Radio Station’ (ORCA-FM signs on in Vancouver, featuring all whale sounds, all the time)

2005 [03] Musical drama “Hustle & Flow” opens in movie theaters, starring Terrence Howard and featuring the Oscar-winning song “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” by Three 6 Mafia

1979 [29] ‘Sony Walkman’ debuts (and soon all kids ever say is “What?”)

1995 [13] Shania Twain tops the charts with “Any Man of Mine”, her first #1 hit

1948 [60] Newfoundlanders vote 52% in favor of joining Canada, narrowly resulting in the addition of a 10th province

1999 [09] 1st version of ‘MSN Messenger’ is released by Microsoft

1979 [29] 1st pro golfer to shoot below his age (67-year-old Sam Snead shoots a 66)

[Wed] Hot Enough For Ya? Day
[Wed] Gorgeous Grandma Day
[Thurs] Cousins Day
[Thurs] Virtual Love Day
[Thurs] Sheryl Crow-James Blunt tour begins (Nashville)
[Fri] Maroon 5-Counting Crows tour begins (Virginia Beach VA)
This Week Is … Captive Nations Week
This Month Is … Cellphone Courtesy Month

Use ‘em all at once or one-a-day like multiple vitamins …
• Aries – If at first you don’t succeed, blame it on the sales manager’s stupid ideas.
• Taurus – A friend will tell you that she’s ‘born again’. You should probably avoid asking if she’s breast feeding or on formula.
• Gemini – Bad news! A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer.
• Cancer – Everybody has their demons. Most people don’t talk to them during department meetings, however.
• Leo – A romantic episode will take you by surprise. The important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers is NOT to suggest having a ‘fling’.
• Virgo – It’s true, there may be more than one way to skin a cat … but showing them in graphic detail on your website was likely a mistake.
• Libra – You’ve noticed that it’s getting harder and harder to get a good night’s sleep. This is partially due to the Moon moving into the secular orbit #7. It’s also due to the nest of centipedes in your mattress.
• Scorpio – No matter what the waiter says, finding a human finger in your gazpacho is NOT a sign of good luck.
• Sagittarius – All’s fair in love and war. Unfortunately loser, you personally are neither in love nor at war.
• Capricorn – The results are back from the doctor. More bad news … you have DVD rot.
• Aquarius – You will learn an important lesson in life this evening. Never insist on chopsticks in an Italian restaurant.
• Pisces – Time to set new goals for yourself. Somehow winning the ‘World Series of Computer Solitaire’ just isn’t that satisfying.

What’s the dumbest thing your mate has ever called to ask you at work? (Are you busy? Know where the TV remote is? Okay if I buy granola instead of corn flakes? Do you love me?)

In the interest of promoting more erudite language as well as general goofiness, here’s a truly weird word for you to toss around for the day (award callers for tying it in with whatever they’re talking about) …
• ‘Dentiloquy’: The act or practice of speaking through clenched teeth.
– “Foyle’s Philavery: A Treasury of Unusual Words”

For people who like that sort of thing, that’s the sort of thing they like.

Today’s Question: Older men do THIS better with men than with women.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Recognize them.

If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself.

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