Friday, July 11, 2008       Edition: #3817
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

Actress Jennifer Aniston’s rep says a tabloid story claiming she discovered a batch of love letters from BF John Mayer’s ex-, Jessica Simpson, is completely fabricated (they were actually just crayon drawings) . . . “Iron Man” star Robert Downey Jr is set take the lead role in Guy Ritchie’s upcoming film based on a ‘re-imagining’ of the Arthur Conan Doyle creation, “Sherlock Holmes” (just LAST WEEK a comedy re-imagining was announced, starring Sacha Baron Cohen & Will Ferrell) . . . Now that her FX show “Dirt” has been cancelled, actress Courteney Cox is joining the cast of “Scrubs” (NBC) playing the hospital’s new Chief of Medicine for at least 3 episodes (then they’ll check the pulse of the ratings) . . . 41-year-old sort-of actress Pamela Anderson has surprised contestants on the Australian version of “Big Brother” (Channel Ten) by entering the house for a 3-day guest stay (apparently a fat payday helped her overcome her abhorrence of one of the show’s sponsors – KFC) . . . Actor John Cusack is suing a movie production company for $5.6 million, claiming he was never paid for his role in the unfinished movie “Stopping Power” (dude, if they don’t even have the money to finish the pic, how are they gonna afford you?) . . . And actor Ethan Hawke has married Ryan Shawhughes, the nanny that used to work for him & then-wife Uma Thurman, after getting her knocked up (as Miss Manners says, one should never boink the help).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – THIS AFTERNOON the Jonas Bros are on.
• “Hippiefest” – TONIGHT the 3rd annual 22-date traveling festival of 1960s types kicks off in Phoenix AZ with Jack Bruce of Cream, Eric Burdon & the Animals, and The Turtles. (Wow man, sounds groovy!)
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – TONIGHT Cyndi Lauper performs, after just wrapping another “True Colors” tour.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – TONIGHT Sheryl Crow promotes her upcoming tour.
• “Rock Honors” – SATURDAY another VH1 tribute special is taped in Los Angeles. This one salutes classic rockers The Who. Among those laying on the lauds: Pearl Jam, Foo Fighters, and the Flaming Lips. The show premieres on VH1 next THURSDAY.
• “Flashpoint” (CBS/CTV) – TONIGHT this action series premieres with the pilot episode. Enrico Colantoni (“Veronica Mars”) & Amy Jo Johnson (“Felicity”) star as members of the ‘Strategic Response Unit’ that rescues hostages, busts gangs, defuses bombs, and takes on other tough cases. Made in Canada for US export.
• “Starry Night“ – SATURDAY Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler is among the musicians performing at the Grammy Foundation’s annual signature gala in LA. This year’s bash honors legendary producer-arranger-composer Sir George Martin of Beatles fame.
• “Saturday Night Live (NBC) – Mariah Carey is the musical guest on a rerun show.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – THIS MORNING Rascal Flatts performs live at Rockefeller Center.

• Alanis Morissette – She’s offering fans the chance to belt out her hits by launching a karaoke contest online. She’s set up a page where fans can post their sing-along versions of her biggest hits.
• Bon Jovi – SATURDAY they play a free concert in NYC’s Central Park (although tickets are being scalped for upwards of $1,000). More than 60,000 concert-goers are expected at the event that’s billed as the “All-Star Concert in Central Park”, a prelude to TUESDAY’s baseball “All-Star Game” at Yankee Stadium.
• Linkin Park – SATURDAY Mike Shinoda opens a new solo art exhibition at the Japanese American National Museum in Los Angeles. The showing runs through AUGUST 3rd.
• Martina McBride – She’s taking her “Waking Up Laughing” tour to more than 25 outdoor amphitheaters THIS SUMMER. TONIGHT she kicks things off in Detroit MI.
• Michael Jackson – Reports say he’s held a number of ‘secret talks’ with New Kids On the Block about him going on tour for the first time in 20 years this SEPTEMBER. (Don’t hold your breath. Actually, he was disappointed to discover they aren’t kids anymore.)
• Smashing Pumpkins – They’ll play mostly smaller-sized venues during an AUGUST tour to celebrate their 20th anniversary … still with only half the original band.
• Yes – The UK classic rockers had planned to begin a 40th anniversary tour THIS WEEKEND at the “Québec City Summer Festival” but 63-year-old vocalist Jon Anderson’s ‘acute respiratory failure’ has forced the tour’s cancellation. (Does that mean he’s dead?)

• “Hellboy II: The Golden Army” ( PG-13 Action Adventure ): When a demonic despot plans to take over Earth, ‘Hellboy’ (Ron Perlman) is called in to save the planet with a little help from his team at the ‘Bureau for Paranormal Research & Defense’. Directed by Guillermo del Toro, the Mexican director who’ll next make “The Hobbit”. Co-stars Selma Blair.
• “Journey to the Center of the Earth” ( PG Action Adventure ): Brendan Fraser (“The Mummy”) stars as a geologist who discovers the entrance to a previously unseen world while on a special mission with his son (Josh Hutcherson). It’s the first full 3-D live action flick using the new RealD technology. Based on the classic sci-fi story by Jules Verne. Shot in Montréal & Iceland.
• “Meet Dave” ( PG Sci-Fi Comedy ): Tiny aliens pilot a spacecraft that takes the form of a human (Eddie Murphy), while the captain of the ship jeopardizes his crew and their mission to save their planet when he falls for a beautiful earthling (Elizabeth Banks). Murphy’s last sci-fi comedy was the horrific “Adventures of Pluto Nash” (2002). Think this one will be any better?

TODAY (8 am) is the official release of the new iPhone 3G. The US price for the new version has dropped to a comparatively reasonable $199. It sold for $599 when it first came out a year ago, then was slashed to $399, infuriating everyone who bought it at the higher price.
Here’s what the new version has that the previous model didn’t: it looks different, with a black plastic case (whoopee!); it has GPS; it runs Internet and email faster, thanks to the advanced ‘3G’, or 3rd generation, wireless network (like a Blackberry). For the first time the hi-tech gizmo also becomes available in Canada through Rogers Wireless/Fido. The company has apparently caved in to consumer outrage over its previously announced high rate plans for the iPhone and will be offering a limited-time promotional 6GB data plan for $30 to those who sign a 3-year contract. (You’re still gonna need a mortgage to pay your phone bill.)
– “Detroit Free Press” /

What you put inside your body eventually shows on the outside. After 100 dermatologists analyzed the skin of about 4,000 women aged 40-to-74 and looked at their eating habits, weight, and history of Sun exposure, they agreed on several conclusions …
• Women with higher vitamin C intake, mostly from foods like orange juice, citrus fruits, and tomatoes (as opposed to supplements), have significantly fewer wrinkles. C is key in the formation of collagen, which repairs damage and keeps skin strong and elastic.
• Linoleic acid is protective. Those who eat plenty of it have skin that’s less dry and fragile. This nutrient is found in green leafy vegetables, nuts, and plant-based oils.
• Excess carbohydrates and fat speed the aging of skin. Women who consume more carbs and fat have more wrinkles.
– “Reader’s Digest”

Guys, dating experts say you can find out if a woman is into you within the first 3 minutes of meeting her. One way to test her interest is to pay her the kind of compliment a potential lover would make, something personal but not overtly sexual. Also avoid the type of thing a friend might say. For instance, opt for “You have really great style” rather than “You have a really nice briefcase.” If she smiles or thanks you warmly, she’s interested. (If she maces you, she’s not.)
– “Men’s Health”

• Pants That Are Too Long/Too Short (Nice floods, Jake.)
• Ties Too Long/Too Short (guys still wear ties?)
• Stained Clothes (are you saving that as a snack for later?)
• Waists That Sit Too High/Too Low (your belt’s strangling you, gramps)
• Scruffy Shoes (wipe your feet after sauntering through the pasture!)
• Wearing Handheld Devices on Your Belt (you think you’re Batman or what?)
• Mixing Patterns (ie: striped tie, polka dot pajama top)
• Over-Layering (the sweater, shirt and T are okay; the long-johns gotta go)
• Mismatched Belts & Shoes (at least try for TWO black shoes)
– “Forbes Magazine”

1934 [74] Giorgio Armani, Piacenza, Italy, fashion designer (Armani suits)

1959 [49] Richie Sambora, Perth Amboy NJ, rock guitarist (Bon Jovi-“Who Says You Can’t Go Home”, “It’s My Life”)/ex-Mr Heather Locklear (1994-2007)/rehab grad

1965 [43] Scott Shriner, Toledo OH, rock bassist (Weezer-“Pork & Beans”, “Beverly Hills”)
1966 [42] Greg Grunberg, LA CA, TV actor (‘Matt Parkman’ on “Heroes” since 2006)

1970 [38] Justin Chambers, Springfield OH, TV actor (‘Dr Alex Karev’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” since 2005)

1972 [36] Michael Rosenbaum, Oceanside NY, TV actor (‘Lex Luthor’ on “Smallville” since 2001)

1975 [33] Lil’ Kim (Jones), Brooklyn NY, rapper (w/50 Cent-“Magic Stick”, f/Mr Cheeks-“The Jump Off”)/reality TV personality (“Lil’ Kim: Countdown To Lockdown”)

TV actor-comedian Bill Cosby is 71; Classic rock singer Christine McVie (Fleetwood Mac) is 65; Fitness guru Richard Simmons is 60; Skater/”Dancing With the Stars” champ Kristi Yamaguchi is 37; TV actress Anna Friel (“Pushing Daisies”) is 32; Movie actor Topher Grace (“Spider-Man 3”) is 30; Movie actress Michelle Rodriguez (“The Fast & the Furious”) is 30; “Canadian Idol 3“ winner Melissa O’Neil is 20.

Movie actor Patrick Stewart (“X-Men”) is 68; Movie actor Harrison Ford (“Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of the Crystal Skull”) is 66; R&B singer Deborah Cox (“House Is Not a Home”) is 34.

• “Cheer Up the Lonely Day”, an opportunity to make a lonely person happy by spending some time with them. Hey, it’s a good day to give [co-host] a call!
• “Gruntled Workers Day” (as opposed to Disgruntled Workers Day, which is commemorated on the other 364/5 days of the year).
• “International Town Criers Day”, honoring the news announcers of yesteryear who wandered throughout towns proclaiming the latest events & announcements of importance, even the weather. The practice has come back into vogue in recent years as a ceremonial bit of theater for special events.
• “Pet Photo Day”, a day to pose your little darlin’ and snap off a few JPEGs. And don’t forget to further humiliate the critter by decking it out in a dress and funny hat. And be sure to Photoshop the result and add the torso of a platypus.
• “Wayne Chicken Show” in Wayne, Nebraska, home of the “National Cluck-Off” in which contestants must be audible across a barnyard, act and sound like a chicken, and keep it up for 15 seconds. Other events: ‘Most Beautiful Beak Contest’ and ‘Best Chicken Legs on a Human’.
• “World Population Day”, declared by the UN as a day to focus on the problems of overpopulation. About 150 people are born each minute or close to a quarter-million people daily. World population crossed the 5-billion mark on this day in 1987; the 6-billion mark in 1999; and is expected to hit 7 billion by 2013.

• “Different Colored Eyes Day”, celebrating diversity of eye color. The day also salutes those with eyes that are a different color from one other. Famous people who have that condition (heterochromia) include classic rocker David Bowie, “24” star Kiefer Sutherland, and creepy movie actor Christopher Walken (“Hairspray”).
• “Moon Amtrak”. For the 30th consecutive year, customers at Mugs Away Saloon in Laguna Niguel CA line up cheek-to-cheek and simultaneously drop their drawers to moon passing trains. The bottoms-up bash draws as many as 1,000 cheeky people to the tavern.
• “Moose Dropping Festival” in Talkeetna, Alaska, which involves the dropping of a thousand ‘moose nuggets’ from a hot-air balloon. The enamelled moose poop is numbered and whoever holds the number of the dung dropped nearest a target wins $1,000.
• “Orangemen’s Day”, aka “Orange Day”, commemorating the 1690 Protestant victory over Roman Catholic forces in the Battle of the Boyne in Ireland. Always a good day for riot.
• “Pecan Pie Day”, celebrating one of the most decadent of all desserts. The crust and pecans aren’t necessary … just the yummy goo in the center! Is it ‘PEE-can or ‘puh-CAHN’?
• “Sports Cliché Week”, honoring those kitschy little sayings that play-by-play announcers, analysts, and players have developed into a virtual language. It’s a good excuse to open up the phone lines for listener contributions of their favorites.
• “Swimming Pool Day”, a good day to call a friend who has one and invite yourself over. According to an online fact site, if you spend 1 hour in a public swimming pool you come into contact with about 50 oz of urine. But then … that’s according to an online fact site.

SUNDAY –     
 • “Embrace Your Geekness Day”, a great day to be a Geek … or to know a Geek. Some people view the term with a negative connotation. Are they jealous of your knowledge and skills, perhaps? Yeah, that’s it.
• “French Fries Day”. The ‘french’ has nothing to do with France, but the method of preparation. Food that’s chipped into pieces is said to be ‘frenched’.

1999 [09] Gross-out comedy “American Pie” tops the movie box office (spawns 2 sequels)

2007 [01] Toronto retailer & theatrical impresario ‘Honest’ Ed Mirvish dies at age 92

1088 [920] 1st ‘Clock’ is built (before that, no one was ever ‘late’ for anything)

1906 [102] Canadian Senate passes ‘Lord’s Day Act’, officially making Sunday a national ‘Day of Rest’ (well, so much for that idea)

1946 [62] 1st ‘7-Eleven’ convenience stores open (Oak Cliff TX), originally named for the store hours – 7 am to 11 pm – and never changed when they went to 24 hours (now owned by a publicly-traded Japanese conglomerate)

1919 [89] A golfer is said to have played 180 holes in a single day

[Mon] National Nude Day
[Mon] Cow Appreciation Day
[Mon] Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” world tour begins (Los Angeles)
[Tues] 79th MLB All-Star Game (NY Yankee Stadium)
[Tues] Respect Canada Day
[Tues] Be a Dork Day
[Tues] Canada’s National Parks Day
[Tues] World premiere of “The Dark Knight” (NYC)
This Week Is … Farriers Week (they shoe horses, don’t they?)
This Month Is … Doghouse Repairs Month (something for guys to do when sent there)

• After a recent emotional outburst, the boss sent you home … and told you to take the Uzi with you.
• The freaking daily commute is killing you … and you work at home.
• The last time you had a vacation you went to Disney World … for the grand opening.
• You’re having repeated nightmares that you’re lost in a maze made of Jell-O.
• Tylenol stock takes a nasty drop every time you take a weekend off.
• You hospitalized the last person who criticized your choice of fonts.
• The janitor vacuums you in the evenings.
• You’ve accumulated enough vacation days to retire … in 1991.
• Your family has hidden all the knives.
• You just wrote a list of BS signs you need to take a vacation.

What happens to the caffeine that’s removed from decaf coffee?
a. It’s added to espresso beans.
b. It’s sold to soft drink companies. [CORRECT. How do you think they get the kick into Red Bull?]
c. It’s released into the atmosphere.
– “Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader.”

If you could commit one crime without being caught, what crime would you commit?

Say nothing and they think you’re stupid. Talk and they know for sure.

Today’s Question: Women with THIS physical description are said to be less superficial than their counterparts.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: An athletic build. Curvier women are actually more superficial.

Today’s headlines are tomorrow’s cage liner.

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