Wednesday, July 9, 2008        Edition: #3815
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

Indie rock artists dominate the nominees for Canada’s 3rd annual Polaris Music Prize, including Winnipeg’s The Weakerthans; Montreal’s Plants & Animals, and Stars; Vancouver’s Black Mountain; and Charlottetown’s Two Hours Traffic (the $20,000-prize is awarded SEPTEMBER 29th) . . . It’s been confirmed that 33-year-old actress Drew Barrymore & 30-year-old actor Justin Long have split after becoming an item LAST AUGUST on the set of the upcoming movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” (ironic or what?) . . . The new BBC reality TV show “Britain’s Missing Top Model” follows 8 hopefuls vying to prove they have what it takes to make it in the mainstream fashion world, even though – they all have a disability (would chronic body odor count?) . . . A proposed new spinoff of VH1’s “Celebrity Rehab” called “Sober Living” will follow show biz rehab veterans living together in a Beverly Hills mansion for 30 days while trying to rebuild their careers without drugs and/or alcohol (among the ‘celebs’: Guns N’ Roses drummer Steven Adler) . . . Ashley Dupré, the call-girl in the Eliot Spitzer scandal, is attempting to develop a Tila Tequila-style reality TV series (“Balling For Dollars”?) . . . According to Cynthia Rodriguez’s lawyer, ‘A-Rod’ may not have cheated with Madonna but they had an ‘affair of the heart’ (is that a new position?) . . . “The Exorcist” director William Friedkin has been recruited to helm an unlikely opera adaptation of the global warming documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” for Milan’s famous La Scala (there’s something to make your head spin) . . . And Ranae Shrider, 2 ft-8 in ‘Mini Me’ actor Verne Troyer’s partner in that recently surfaced explicit videotape, has revealed that whenever they ‘did it’ – his little feet would be tickling her knees (geez, thanks for sharing).

• “As the Wrench Turns” (PBS) – The debut of a half-hour animated comedy that follows the exploits of ‘Click & Clack, the Tappet Brothers’ (aka Tom & Ray Magliozzi of National Public Radio’s “Car Talk”). Let’s hope the TV show is half as hilarious as their radio program. It airs in 2-episode blocks for 5 weeks.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Alanis Morissette is a guest.
• Journey, Heart, Cheap Trick Tour – The 3 classic rock bands kick off a 3-month tour in Denver CO.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Gavin DeGraw (“In Love With a Girl”) is interviewed.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Leona Lewis (“Bleeding Love”) performs.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC/A Channel) – “Love Song” singer Sara Bareilles is on.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Legendary rocker Joe Cocker guests. Then TONIGHT he’s on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).

• Bon Jovi – Tickets for their ‘free’ concert THIS WEEKEND in NYC’s Central Park are being sold for up to $1,000 on Internet auction sites. Promoters are now threatening to ban black market ticket-holders. (How will they know?)
• Jimi Hendrix – A lost album he made with Stephen Stills (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young) has been discovered more than 30 years after it was recorded. Stills recently found it in a stack of material he taped in the ‘70s and his bandmate Graham Nash is helping him mix it for release.
• Madonna – One of the ‘revelations’ in her brother Chris Ciccone’s upcoming tell-all tome is that she once planted a full-on mouth-smack on a surprised Gwyneth Paltrow at a drunken New Year’s Eve party. (C’mon, is this as juicy as it gets?)
• Nickelback – They’re the latest act to sign a global recording, touring, and merchandising deal with concert promoter Live Nation. The 3-album, 3-tour deal is said to be worth between $50 million and $70 million. However, they still have 2 albums left to release through their current label before they move on. (These guys are gonna make 5 more albums?)
• Van Halen – It’s just been reported that frontman David Lee Roth was saved from an anaphylactic fit (severe allergic reaction to nuts) about a month back by cops who pulled him over for speeding in Brant County ON. When informed of the problem, the officers quickly called an ambulance and got him treated. (Should they receive a citation or be disciplined?)

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Hypermilers’ – Drivers who try to squeeze every last mile out of a tank of fuel, leading them to adopt dangerous tactics such as driving too slowly, ‘drafting’ (tailgating in another vehicle’s slipstream to reduce wind resistance), rolling through stop signs, and making turns without using brakes.
• ‘Ruralpolitan’ – A former city dweller who moves to a rural area. (“We can’t drive the John Deere into town any more. All those ruralpolitans that moved in are up in arms about slow-moving traffic.”)
• ‘Urban Caving’ – The unauthorized exploration of tunnels, drains, and other features found beneath a city. (“Holy crap, look what I found while urban caving in the sewer!”)

• In California there’s now valet parking … for bicycles. At the Santa Monica Farmers’ Market on Sundays, 3 valet parking attendants squeeze about 120 bikes into 8 car parking spaces that are reserved for them.
– “Christian Science Monitor“
• The world’s longest concert, expected to finish in 2640, is a step closer to completion as the 6th chord of the composition “As Slow As Possible” has been played on a church organ in Halberstadt, Germany. The performance began 8 years ago and will run a total of 639 years. The work was written by late avant-garde composer John Cage in 1985. He’s best known for another composition entitled 4’33”, which consists of 4 minutes & 33 seconds of … silence.
– CBC News
• A 52-year-old Waukesha WI man has been faking ill to avoid … bills. Cops say the con artist got out of paying cab fare by pretending to have a heart attack, then faked another to avoid the bill for a steak dinner in a restaurant. He was nabbed after the fire department raced him to hospital where a doctor recognized him. Seems he’s pulled the stunt several times before.
– AP
• Residents of the small town of Musiri in India are being paid 14 cents-a-month to … go to the john. The idea is to help needy families supplement their income by simply doing nature’s business in a special waste recycling potty that provides water and fertilizer for crops.

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … spending money on friends and/or charities can make you happier. According to a recent research study, it takes as little as $5 to get a bliss boost. (Simply pop it in the mail to “Bull Sheet”, c/o …”)
• Scientists say … removing the facial muscles that are used to frown may help prevent migraine headaches. The unusual procedure is now being performed at the Migraine Surgery Center in London, England. (People who’ve undergone the surgery are no longer welcome at funerals.)
• Scientists say … a compound in red wine may ward off a variety of medical conditions related to aging, providing heart benefits, stronger bones, and preventing eye cataracts. (A discovery made by Dr Ernest Gallo and his brother Dr Julio Gallo.)

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban have named their new baby girl Sunday Rose Kidman Urban, the latest in a long line of cruelly named celebrity babies. Our new ranking of the worst offenders …
10. Actress Halle Berry & model BF Gabriel Aubry … Nahla Ariela (girl).
9. Actors Jenna Elfman & Bodhi Elfman … Story Elias (boy).
8. Spice Girl Geri Halliwell … Bluebell Madonna (girl).
7. Singer Toni Braxton … Diezel Ky (boy), Denim Cole (boy).
6. Movie director Spike Lee … Satchel (girl).
5. Director Robert Rodriguez … Rocket, Rebel, Racer, Rogue & Rhiannon (4 boys, 1 girl).
4. Jackson 5 sibling Jermaine Jackson … Jermajesty (boy) who joins 7 other dumbly-named.
3. “Moonlight” actress Shannyn Sossamon … Audio Science (boy).
2. “My Name is Earl” actor Jason Lee … Pilot Inspektor (boy).
1. Irish rocker/Live Aid organizer Bob Geldof … Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie & Peaches Honeyblossom (girls).
Dishonorable mention: Coldplay’s Chris Martin & actress Gwenyth Paltrow (Apple, Moses); Brangelina (Zahara, Pax Thien, Maddox & Shiloh Nouvel). We can’t wait to hear what actor Matthew McConaughey names his new son, considering he has a brother named … Rooster.
– BS original

A few popular songs that have fewer than 35 unique words in them …
5. ”Her Majesty”, from The Beatles’ “Abbey Road” album (34 different words).
4. “You Are So Beautiful”, Joe Cocker (31).
3 “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, Iron Butterfly (just 30 unique words in 17-plus minutes).
2 “It’s a Beautiful Day” by Queen, not the later U2 hit (28).
1 “Fly, Robin, Fly”, a 1975 hit by the Silver Convention (only 6 words because the German band spoke no English).
– “Mental Floss”

According to UK child psychologist Dr Sebastian Kraemer, encouraging young boys to behave ‘like men’ is a mistake. In fact, trying to ‘toughen up’ boys actually increases their odds of developing behavioral disorders in childhood and mental illness in adult life. So what’s the alternative? Parents should help boys build self-confidence that isn’t based on bluster and doesn’t need to be constantly asserted. A more confident but less aggressive male will turn out to be better adjusted. (Just the other day I was saying to little Jason, “C’mon now put down the gun and let’s talk.”)

• Spencer Elden, the baby photographed underwater for the cover of Nirvana’s landmark “Nevermind” album turns 17 TODAY. (Just to make you feel old.)
– Wikipedia
• In London, England, one of the world’s priciest real estate markets, house prices have dropped by 7.5% in the past 6 months. (Now you can buy a 2-room flat for under 2 mill!)
– “GQ”
• North Korea is the only country ruled by … a stiff. Kim Il-sung (1912-94) has been declared ‘Eternal President’. His birthday and death anniversary (YESTERDAY) are national holidays. (If he wins, would John McCain qualify for this?)
– “Globe & Mail”
• This is the centenary year for “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”, America’s most-sung song after “Happy Birthday” and the national anthem, according to the Songwriters Hall of Fame.
– “The Oregonian”

1947 [61] OJ (Orenthal James) Simpson, San Francisco CA, pseudo-author (“If I Did It”) found not guilty of Nicole Brown Simpson-Ronald Goldman murders (1995) but financially liable in civil suit (1997)/NFL RB (San Francisco 49ers 1978-79, Buffalo Bills 1969-77)/Pro Football Hall of Fame (1985)/sometime actor (“Naked Gun” movies)  UP NEXT: Scheduled to go to trial SEPTEMBER 8th in Las Vegas on charges of criminal conspiracy, kidnapping, assault, robbery, and using a deadly weapon.

1952 [56] John Tesh, Garden City NY, syndicated radio host (“The John Tesh Radio Show”)/author (“Intelligence For Your Life”)/former TV host (“Entertainment Tonight” 1986-96)/quasi-musician (“Power of Love”)

1955 [53] Jimmy Smits, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (“Cane” 2007. “The West Wing” 2004-06, “NYPD Blue”1994-2004)/movie actor (“Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith”)

1956 [52] Tom Hanks, Concord CA, movie actor (“Charlie Wilson’s War”, Academy Awards-“Forrest Gump”, “Philadelphia”)  UP NEXT: Reprises his “Da Vinci Code” role as ‘Robert Langdon’ in the now-shooting “Angels & Demons” (2009).

1964 [44] Courtney Love (Harrison), San Francisco CA, sometime singer (“Mono”, Hole-“Celebrity Skin”)/sometime actress (“People vs Larry Flynt”, “Sid & Nancy”)/Mrs Kurt Cobain (1992-94)

1968 [40] Xavier Muriel, San Antonio TX, rock drummer (Buckcherry-“Sorry”, “Lit Up”)

1975 [33] Jack White (Gillis), Detroit MI, rock musician (The Raconteurs-“Steady As She Goes”, White Stripes-“Seven Nation Army”)/movie actor (“Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”, “Cold Mountain”)

1976 [32] Dan Estrin, Agoura Hills CA, rock singer/guitarist (Hoobastank-“The Reason”, “Running Away”)

1984 [24] Jacob Hoggard, Abbotsford BC, rock singer (Hedley-“Never Too Late”, “On My Own”)/TV contestant (“Canadian Idol 2”)

• “Barn Day”, a day of appreciation for what can be attractive as well as functional architecture.

• “Intern Appreciation Day”, a day to express gratitude to those dedicated young people who are attempting to kick off their careers by sweating it out on-the-job for free. (In our experience, you get what you pay for.)

2004 [04] “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” opens in movie theaters, starring Will Ferrell    & Steve Carell

1983 [25] “Every Breath You Take” by The Police reaches #1, a position it holds for 9 weeks

1999 [09] Mick Jagger’s marriage to model Jerry Hall is officially annulled in a London court, ending 8 years of marriage and a 22-year relationship

1923 [85] 1st ‘Chuckwagon Race’ is staged at the Calgary Stampede, billed as ‘the half mile of hell’

1960 [48] 7-year-old Roger Woodward becomes 1st person to go over Niagara Falls by accident and live … thanks to a lifejacket

[Thurs] Don’t Step On a Bee Day
[Thurs] Orangemen’s Day
[Thurs] 26th Just For Laughs Comedy Festival begins (Montréal)
[Fri] Pet Photo Day
[Fri] Apple’s iPhone 3G goes on sale in Canada
[Fri] Apple’s 2nd generation iPhone 3G goes on sale (8 am)
[Fri] “Hellboy II: The Golden Army” opens in movie theaters
[Sun] National Ice Cream Day
This Week Is … Nude Recreation Week
This Month Is … Baked Bean Month

• Do we abbreviate A-D-D because it’s too long to say?
• So you can wear a bikini in public but not underwear?
• What if you don’t have time for a time management course?
• Where do cuckoos find all of these abandoned clocks?
• What’s wrong with being ‘over the hill’? Isn’t downhill easier?
– Thanks to Jason Love

What everyday little annoyance really sets you off? (A recent poll is topped by ‘littering’.)

• Injecting malicious code into open port.
• Reaching the final boss level.
• Practising what’s in the hidden folder.
• Taking a break from the Internet.
• Torpedoing the womp rat.

At least a stalker is there for you.

Today’s Question: Studies show that THIS is now twice as strong as it was 25 years ago.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Marijuana.

Roll up your sleeves and you won’t lose your shirt.

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