Wednesday, July 23, 2008        Edition: #3820
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

34-year-old “The Dark Knight” star Christian Bale has now been arrested by Scotland Yard in London over those allegations he assaulted his mother (61) & sister (40) the night before the European premiere of the blockbuster film (has someone’s gone a bit bat-sheet crazy?) . . . Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal is jumping on the bandwagon to have late “Dark Knight” co-star Heath Ledger posthumously honored with an Academy Award for his portrayal of ‘The Joker’ (let the emotional fervor begin!) . . . NBC-TV has announced Jay Leno will host his final “Tonight Show” MAY 29, 2009 but says it would like to keep him onboard in some other role afterward (he’ll be long-gone to another net for far bigger bucks) . . . 33-year-old actor Balthazar Getty (“Brothers & Sisters”), who’s recently been photographed smooching topless actress Sienna Miller on a beach, has announced he’s splitting from his wife with whom he has 4 kids (Sienna’s got this homewrecker thing down to a science) . . . Now that she’s not going to be busy with the new “Beverly Hills 90210” spinoff (CW), pseudo-actress Tori Spelling will churn out another tell-all, a 2nd book that’s tentatively titled “Mommywood” (promises to be a huge seller like her first book … um … what was that called again?) . . . Hulk Hogan spawn & reality TV genius Brooke Hogan (“Brooke Knows Best”) admits she’s not really into voting but says a woman could never be president because of how hormonal they get on their periods (thanks for setting the women’s movement back 50 years) . . . Actor Jerry O’Connell (ex-“Crossing Jordan”), who just celebrated his 1st wedding anniversary with hottie actress Rebecca Romijn (“Ugly Betty”), says they’re trying really hard to get pregnant (alas, it’s a dirty job but somebody’s gotta do it).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Alicia Keys is onstage.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC/CityTV) – Los Lonely Boys perform.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC) – Rapper Rick Ross (“The Boss”) is on. Payroll documents that seemingly prove he used to be a prison guard have been posted by the Smoking Gun website, thereby refuting his claims of having a hardcore, drug-dealing past.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Actress/singer Jennifer Hudson is a guest.
• “Project Runway” (Bravo) – The designers go eco-friendly for their next challenge which teams them with their models. Host Heidi Klum’s gorgeous gams are now officially insured for $2.2 million but, interestingly, one leg is insured for $200,000 more than the other.
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The top 8 take the dance floor in this week’s performance round.

• ABBA – The soundtrack of the new movie “Mamma Mia!” is the best-selling album in the UK and has become the group’s first-ever top 10 album in the US.
• AC/DC – Latest reports say their new album “Dirty Rhythm” is set to be released OCTOBER 28th and their World Tour will kick off JANUARY 1st, 2009 in NYC.
• Aretha Franklin – The 66-year-old ‘Queen of Soul’ is busy documenting her long career in a new tell-all memoir. No publication date has yet been announced.
• Kellie Pickler – The “American Idol” alum will release her 2nd album on SEPTEMBER 30th. The self-titled project will feature “Best Days of Your Life”, a track she co-wrote with Taylor Swift.
• Mariah Carey – She’s rumored to be talking to the Planet Hollywood Casino in Las Vegas about establishing a 3-year residency there.
• Rolling Stones – Word has it soon-to-be-65 frontman Mick Jagger has his mind set on doing an upcoming European tour with or without guitarist Ronnie Wood, who’s entered rehab for the 2nd time in a month.

Science has finally made it official … old men are grumpier than old women. New UK research finds that women are freed from burdens such as raising a family as they get older, which makes them happier. By contrast older men generally miss being productive members of the workforce. The study also finds that men who’ve been divorced, separated, or widowed are the grumpiest of all, while those men with lots of retirement cash are the least grumpy. (That’s cuz they can afford a young GF.)
– “Daily Mail”

Mega-popular social networking website Facebook is undergoing a makeover designed to give users more power over their profiles. The redesign is intended to make profile info more prominent and crack down on spam-happy applications that bombard users with unwanted messages. The profile interface will also be streamlined into a cleaner, tidier format, with tabbed pages intended to take Facebook further away from the ‘teenager’s bedroom’ feel. (Moving onward with the age of its users … brilliant!)
– Reuters

The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce recently announced the celebs that will be honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2009. Among the unlikely recipients: Shakira, the Village People, rock band Rush, and ‘Tinkerbell’. But those begin to make more sense when you consider some of those who already have a star …
• The Harlem Globetrotters exhibition basketball squad.
• The TV cartoon series “Rugrats”.
• Aging pseudo-actress Zsa Zsa Gabor.
• WWE founder Vince McMahon.
• “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest.
• Billionaire Donald Trump.
• Storybook & cartoon character “Winnie the Pooh”.
To receive a star, you must be nominated by an organization, agree to attend the presentation ceremony, and pay a $25,000 fee. (BS translation: You buy one.)
– Condensed from

• ‘Northist’ – The prejudice that arises from living in northern parts of the world or of a country, ie: ‘up north’ vs ‘down south’. (“We’d say southerners are slow-moving, slow-talking rednecks but that would be northist.”)
• ‘Precycling’ – Purchasing products based on how recyclable they are. The first rule of ‘precycling’ is not to buy anything with packaging. (“I’m a precycler, so could you just sell me a handful of those marshmallows?”)
• ‘Transumer’ – A big-spender who travels to shop. (“Ever since they opened up the new outlet mall the highway’s been clogged with transumers.”)
• ‘Travel Mooching’ – Crashing for free with family members who live in desirable destinations. Nearly 60% of us admit we’ve cut back on summer vacation plans due to outrageous gas prices. (“We’re travel mooching our way across the country on our 2008 ‘Dine, Crash & Dash Tour’!”)

Congratulations America! You are no longer the world’s most obnoxious tourists. Not even close. A survey of employees at some 4,000 European hotels reveals that the Chinese have taken over the #1 spot in this category, followed closely by Indians and French. They are all stereotyped as loud, argumentative, and cheap. The French are also reprimanded for unwillingness to attempt local languages and outright refusal to tip. On the other hand, the Japanese take top honors as most quiet, polite, and tidy tourists; followed by Germans, Brits, and Canadians. (Who are so polite, they apologize when you step on their toes.)

A new ranking of the all-time best hired guns on the bigscreen …
10. ‘Michael Sullivan’ (Tyler Hoechlin), “Road to Perdition” – 2002.
9. ‘El Mariachi’ (Antonio Banderas), “Desperado” – 1995.
8. ‘Vincent’ (Tom Cruise), “Collateral” – 2004.
7. ‘The Jackal’ (Edward Fox), “The Day Of the Jackal” – 1973.
6. ‘Anton Chigurh’ (Javier Bardem), “No Country For Old Men” – 2007.
5. ‘The Bride’ (Uma Thurman), “Kill Bill” – 2003/04.
4. ‘Martin Q Blank’ (John Cusack), “Grosse Point Blank” – 1997.
3. ‘T-800′ (Arnold Schwarzenegger), “The Terminator” – 1984.
2. ‘Jason Bourne’ (Matt Damon), “The Bourne Identity” – 2002.
1. ‘Léon’ (Jean Reno), “Léon” (aka “The Professional”) – 1994.
– Adapted from

London, England tops a new listing of the world’s most expensive places to park. Parking in Britain’s pricey capital now sets drivers back a jaw-dropping average of $68-a-day or $1,167-a-month, according to a new study by Colliers International. In 2nd place is Sidney, Australia ($775/month), closely followed by Hong Kong ($743/month). (Carrying pocket change for a parking meter in London will make your pants fall down.)
– “GQ”

A new study finds that happiness with a purchase depends on the choices that are available on a store shelf and how the items are presented. A product presented as ‘superior’ to other products makes a happy customer, according to the report. (Explaining the reason for ‘New and Improved!’.)
– CosmoDaily

Golfer Tiger Woods is on course to become the first-ever billionaire athlete by 2010. The projected billion is based on his estimated earnings since turning pro in 1996 plus an annual return on investments of 8%. He earned $115 million LAST YEAR alone.
– “Forbes Magazine”

• “She’s an embarrassment to country music.”
• “Just because she’s dating Tony Romo, it doesn’t make her country.”
• “She doesn’t fit in with country and I’d have to drink a lot of beer to sit through her concert.”
– Country fans quoted in  the “Kenosha News”, reacting to Jessica Simpson’s country music debut at the “Country Thunder USA” festival in Randall WI.

1940 [68] Don Imus, Riverside CA, trouble-prone syndicated radio personality/Radio Hall of Fame (1989)

1961 [47] Woody Harrelson, Midland TX, movie actor (“No Country For Old Men”, “White Men Can’t Jump”)/former TV actor (1989 Emmy Award-“Cheers”)

1965 [43] Slash (Saul Hudson), London UK, rock guitarist (Velvet Revolver-“Slither”, ex-Guns N’ Roses-“November Rain”)

1967 [41] Philip Seymour Hoffman, Fairport NY, movie actor (“Charlie Wilson’s War”, 2006 Academy Award-“Capote”)

1971 [37] Alison Krauss, Decatur IL, country/bluegrass musician/singer/songwriter/producer (w/Robert Plant-“Raising Sand”, “When You Say Nothing at All”)/has a record 21 Grammy Awards, more than any other female artist

1972 [36] Marlon Wayans, NYC, comedic movie actor (“Norbit”, “Little Man”)/brother of Dwayne, Keenen Ivory, Damon, Kim, Nadia, and Shawn Wayans  UP NEXT: “Scary Movie 5”, opening later THIS YEAR.

1973 [35] Omar Epps, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (‘Dr Eric Foreman’ on “House” since 2004)

1976 [32] Jonathan Gallant, Streetsville ON, rock bassist (Billy Talent-“Surrender”, “Try Honesty”)

1980 [28] Michelle Williams, Rockford IL, pop singer (“We Break the Dawn”, ex-Destiny’s Child-“Lose My Breath”, “Survivor”)/Broadway actress (“The Color Purple”)

1981 [27] Steve Jocz, Ajax ON, rock drummer/guitarist/vocalist (Sum 41-“Pieces”, “Still Waiting”)

1989 [19] Daniel Radcliffe, London UK, movie actor (‘Harry’ in the “Harry Potter” movies)

• “Gorgeous Grandma Day”, either honoring every kid’s favorite spoiler … or some sort of weird fetish that we won’t get into.
• “Hot Dog Day”, celebrating one of the favorite treats of summer. Hey what else are they gonna do with all the leftover ears, lips, eyelids, and hooves down at the abattoir?
• “Hot Enough For Ya? Day”, when it should be legal to assault anyone who asks you the overused, plain-as-the-end-of-your-sweat-dripping-nose question. 5 years ago in Phoenix AZ it was so hot a woman who fainted face-down on the pavement was rushed to hospital and treated … for burns. Now THAT’S hot!
• “Leo the Lion” astrology sign begins (through AUGUST 22nd). Leos are said to be warm of spirit, eager for action, and driven by a desire to be loved. (They also cough up hairballs.)
• “Vanilla Ice Cream Day”, celebrating the favorite flavor of the masses … by far.

1999 [09] 3-day “Woodstock ‘99” festival, marking the 30th anniversary of the original, kicks off at an old military base in Rome NY and later ends in a melee of flames & vandalism (performers include Red Hot Chili Peppers, James Brown, Counting Crows, Creed, Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock, Jewel, and Dave Matthews Band;Canadian performers include Our Lady Peace, Tragically Hip, Alanis Morissette)

776 BC [2784] 1st ‘Olympics’ in Greece consists of a single 200-meter race … by naked runners

1904 [104] According to some accounts, the first ‘Ice Cream Cone’ is created when Charles Menches runs out of cups at the “St Louis Exposition” and substitutes rolled-up waffles from another vendor

1982 [26] Introduction of ‘Diet Coke’ (the sensible accompaniment to your whopper and fries)

[Thurs] “Comic-Con 2008” begins (San Diego CA)
[Thurs] Cousins Day
[Thurs] Virtual Love Day
[Thurs] Sheryl Crow-James Blunt tour begins (Nashville TN)
[Fri] Maroon 5-Counting Crows tour begins (Virginia Beach VA)
[Fri] “Step Brothers”; “The X-Files: I Want to Believe” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Animal Agriculture Week
This Month Is … Women’s Motorcycle Month

• The toilet is in the middle of the living room.
• Insists dinner be served through the mail slot.
• Toothbrush doubles as a shiv.
• Getting lucky costs you 2 packs of smokes.
• Always critiquing the craftsmanship of license plates.
• Gets a faraway look in the eyes whenever you pass a highway work crew.
• Arguments end with a threat to ‘lawyer up’.
• Always leaves home through a secret tunnel.
• Lots of jumpsuits. Never skydives.
• The freezer’s full of human heads.
– Thanks to Jerry Renek

You know a guy’s wife is ugly when the picture he carries in his wallet of her is an X-ray.

What room of your home do you spend the most time in? Why?

Today’s Question: When a woman is shopping and sees identical items on a shelf, she is more likely to pick THIS one.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The one on the far right.

If at first you don’t succeed, change the rules.

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