Monday, July 13, 2009        Edition: #4055
Zee Bull ees Back!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Michael Jackson’s minimally talented older sister LaToya thinks the ‘King of Pop’ was murdered in a conspiracy to get his money. Among her claims: the ‘conspirators’ got him hooked on drugs in order to grab control of more than a billion bucks in music publishing assets; he didn’t want to perform the scheduled O2 concerts in London; $2 million in cash & jewelry has gone missing from his mansion; rather than hooked on drugs, her brother was in the middle of a 6-month detox program. (LaToya says she’ll now wait until … she can think up some more stuff.)
– “News Of the World”
• Actress Hayden Panettiere (“Heroes”) reveals there were no body doubles or flesh-colored body stockings used on the set of her now-showing movie “I Love You Beth Cooper” … that’s all her on the bigscreen. The 18-year-old says she had ‘these little sticky petals on her boobs’, but that was all. (Her parents must be so proud.)
– Eonline.com
• In his new film “Bruno”, Sacha Baron Cohen mercilessly sends up the fashion world, but industry insider Simon Mills says the truth is stranger than the satire. He claims it’s tough to lampoon an industry that provides oxygen to the producer of a fashion show whose minions calm her down by making dolphin noises. Then there’s the fashion editor who pays for an ‘absent healer’ (who promises to think positive thoughts about her at an agreed time of the day) and who orders room service at her LA hotel by calling her assistant in London.
– “Sunday Telegraph”
• Reality TV star Jon Gosselin (“Jon & Kate Plus 8″) no longer has a relationship or a job but it seems one of those is about to change. Christian Audigier, a head honcho with the Ed Hardy clothing line, is offering America’s most famous estranged husband a job and the two met on the French Rivera on the weekend to discuss possibilities. Gosselin was photographed in St Tropez holding hands with his girlfriend, Hailey Glassman. (No word on what the joint venture might be … perhaps ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8 Million Rhinestones’?)
– TMZ.com
• Former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham has reportedly been taking acting lessons in a bid to win a cameo role in the next “Sex & The City” movie. Her previous ‘acting’ experience includes appearing as herself in a cameo on “Ugly Betty” (ABC) and the horrific 1997 film “Spice World: The Movie”, in which she again played herself. Word has it she now wants to show producers she’s taking acting seriously. (She’s a lock for any role requiring a permanent pout.)
– ContactMusic.com
• A rep for 72-year-old actor Morgan Freeman says a report suggesting he’s set to wed his 27-year-old step-granddaughter is untrue. “National Enquirer” had claimed “The Shawshank Redemption” star is romancing E’Dena Hines and they plan to marry once his divorce from 2nd wife Myrna Colley-Lee is final. However, a publicist says the report is ‘complete garbage’. (Apparently they’re just going to live together.)
– StarPulse.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:

• “Entertainment Tonight” (syndicated/Global) – Unseen Michael Jackson concerts; Britney Spears in Paris, France.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – 3OH!3 (“Don’t Trust Me”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Kelly Clarkson (“All I Ever Wanted”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – The Fray (“Never Say Never”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – She’s reportedly asked photographers not to shoot her from behind during her current “I Am …” world tour because … she sweats so much. According to “New York Daily News”, she’s demanding she only be shot from certain angles to ‘preserve her modesty’. (BS translation: These costumes are so teensy they make my already big butt look enormous!)
• Jonas Bros – A snitch informs they’ve been registering in hotels under the surname ‘Cruz’. (Then charging the bill to Penelope?)
• Lady GaGa – Although she’s supposedly dating a businessman known only as ‘Speedy’, the 23-year-old tells “The Sun” she sleeps with the guys in the band because it’s easier. She also claims she’ll never settle down & marry because her work will always take priority. (BS translation: Without fame and 18 lbs of stage makeup, no guy would ever want me!)
• Michael Jackson – Late horror film actor Vincent Price was reportedly offered $10,000 or a 10% profit share for his voice parts in the video for “Thriller”. He went for the cash. (Oops!)
• Pearl Jam – They’ve announced they’ll play a series of select North American tour dates in support of their 9th studio album, “Backspacer”, scheduled for release Sunday, September 20th.

HOME OF THE TWO-MILE TAXI:

New Mexico has begun work on the world’s first spaceport, a massive $200-million project which will be home to space tourist flights offered by Virgin Galactic as well as space-related scientific research projects and other commercial interests to be carried out in space. ‘Spaceport America’, which boasts a 10,000-ft-long runway will be finished in about 18 months when Richard Branson & his family will take the world’s first family trip into orbit around Earth, to be followed by a waiting list of 300 space tourists who’ve each put up $200,000 for 6 minutes of weightlessness during a 2-hour flight. (They’ll need extra large barf bags!)
– BBC News

WHAT’S IN A NAME?
A new study claims the more unpopular, uncommon, or feminine a boy’s name, the greater his chances of ending up in jail. After analyzing over 15,000 names, researchers have concluded that boys with odd names are more likely to be ridiculed by peers and face discrimination in the workplace which causes them to engage in socially delinquent behavior. Among the most troublesome names (in North American at least) are Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell, and Walter. A previous study at the University of British Columbia calculated that for every 10% increase in the popularity of a name there’s a 3.7% decrease in the number of trouble-making kids with that name. (In that case, no kid named Michael should ever get in trouble.)
– “Orlando Sentinel”

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:

• Plans to erect a giant statue of Michael Jackson made from butter at the Iowa State Fair are being put to a vote. Fair organizers announced the idea just days after his death but it proved so controversial that an online poll is being held to decide whether or not to go ahead with it. Jackson was to be part of a sculpture commemorating the 40th anniversary of astronaut Neil Armstrong’s landing of the Moon. Results of the poll will be announced July 17; the fair runs August 13-23. (Two Moon walkers in one butter exhibit … wow!)
• When carpet vendor Cyrus Hassankola moved to Dallas TX a few years ago after successfully ‘going out of business’ in several locales, he decided to settle down and go out of business permanently. But his business literally called “Going Out of Business” didn’t sit well in some quarters, one of them the Texas Attorney General’s office. So now – for a limited time only – he’s stopped going out of business and is regularly running ‘Total Liquidations’. (Which are no doubt ‘Open To the Public!’.)
– “Wall Street Journal”
• After an argument with his mother about cleaning out the garage, an 18-year-old New Zealand student set up an online auction for ‘5 Naked Photos of My Mum’. The Trade Me site pulled the auction the next day, as well as an ensuing effort by the teen to sell a series of 8-year-old ‘glamour’ shots of his mother, including one in underwear. His 44-year-old mother says she was ‘pretty annoyed’ … she wanted 50% of the profits! (This family puts the ‘dys’ in dysfunctional.)
– “Herald On Sunday”

MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY:
Turkish television is developing a new reality show in which leaders of various religions will attempt to convert atheists to their belief systems. The program will pit a Greek Orthodox priest, a Jewish rabbi, a Muslim imam, and a Buddhist monk against each other as they each lead a group of atheists on pilgrimages to important centers of their respective religions such as Mecca, Tibet, and Jerusalem. (Oh man, this show’s gonna be a war in the making!)
– CBC News

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• “LA Candy”, the debut novel by  22-year-old former “Hills” star Lauren Conrad, has now topped the ‘Best Seller’ list for 2 weeks.
– “New York Times”
• Some geek with far too much time to burn has figured out that buying every iPhone application currently available would cost you $144,326.06.
– PopBitch.com
• Junk food – such as chips, pastries, and sugary soft drinks – makes up 30% of the average American’s diet.
– “Cosmopolitan”

BS CHRONOMETER 07.13.09


TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [69] Patrick Stewart, Mirfield UK, movie actor (“X-Men” films)/former TV actor (‘Cpt Jean-Luc Picard’ in “Star Trek: The Next Generation” 1987-94)

1942 [67] Harrison Ford, Chicago, IL, movie actor (“Indiana Jones” movies, “Star Wars”)

1957 [52] Cameron Crowe, Palm Springs CA, movie director/screenwriter (“Almost Famous”, “Jerry Maguire”)  COMING UP: An as-yet-untitled Pearl Jam retrospective movie.

1974 [35] Deborah Cox, Toronto ON, club/dance/R&B singer (“Beautiful U R”, “A House Is Not a Home”)/3 Juno Awards

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Embrace Your Geekness Day”, a great day to be a Geek … or to know a Geek. Some people view the term with a negative connotation. Are they jealous of your knowledge and skills, perhaps? Yeah, that’s it.

• “French Fries Day”. The ‘french’ has nothing to do with France, but the method of preparation. Food that’s chipped into pieces is said to be ‘frenched’.

• “Gruntled Workers Day”. We always hear about ‘disgruntled’ workers, but what about people who are happy with their jobs and can’t wait to go to work each day? Gruntled workers, this is your day … ya eager-beaver keeners.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .

1923 [85] The ‘Hollywood’ sign is officially dedicated in the hills above Los Angeles (originally reads ‘Hollywoodland’ but the last 4 letters are dropped after renovation in 1949)

1953 [56] The annual “Stratford Shakespearean Festival” debuts in Stratford ON as Sir Alec Guinness opens in “Richard III”

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1985 [24] 1.5 billion worldwide watch or listen to “Live Aid” rock concerts in Philadelphia PA and London UK, raising over $70 million for African famine relief

1988 [21] Eventual #1 single “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin is released

TODAY’S FIRST . . .

1982 [27] 1st MLB All-Star Game held outside the USA (Montréal’s Olympic Stadium)

COMING UP . . .

[Tues] International Town Criers Day
[Tues] 80th MLB All-Star Game (St Louis)
[Tues] Cow Appreciation Day
[Wed] Saint Swithin’s Day
[Wed] “Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince” opens in theaters (12:01 am)
[Thurs] Get to Know Your Customers Day
[Thurs] “Emmy Awards” nominations announced

THIS WEEK IS . . .

Farriers Week / International Chicken Wing Week / Parenting Gifted Children Week / Rabbit Week / Ventriloquism Week

BULL’S BITS


BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS REASONS WHY GUYS GOLF:
• It’s nice to get out and see some grass that’s actually been mowed.
• If you hang around the house you end up having to fix something.
• The feeling of accomplishment when you hit the ball 20 yards into the rough … again.
• Kids aren’t allowed on the golf course.
• They need more frustration in their lives.
• Too old for baseball, too young for checkers.
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS MALE DICTIONARY:
• ‘Vulnerable’ (Playing ball without a cup.)
• ‘Communication’ (Scratching out a note before taking off for a weekend with the guys.)
• ‘Commitment’ (Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.)
• ‘Flatulence’ (An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.)
• ‘Remote control’ (A device for scanning through all 300 channels every 2 minutes.)
• ‘We’re going to be late.’ (Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.)
• ‘You cook just like my mother used to.’ (She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.)
• ‘Making love’ (What men have to call ‘boinking’ to get women to ‘boink’.)

BS PHONE STARTER:

What dead person would you least want to be haunted by?

BS WEB GOODIE:

Here’s an alternative to the old ‘the dog ate my homework’ excuse. Now you can order up a corrupt computer file to hand in next time you party too hard and need extra time to ‘redo’ an assignment. A perfectly ‘corrupted’ paper will cost you $5.95.
NET: http://corrupted-files.com

BS RANDOM JOKE:
I always take life with a grain of salt … plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

TRUTH OR BS?
Two of the following statements are true, the other is pure BS. But which?
GAME #1: TENNIS
• The tennis ‘serve’ originated because Britain’s Henry VIII became so fat he needed his tennis pro to pitch up a ball for him to strike.
• The original tennis balls were made of hairballs coughed up by cats. [BS]
• The term ‘love’ in tennis is said to derive from the French word l’oeuf, meaning ‘the egg’.

GAME #2: HUMAN BODY
• Humans have tiny bones once meant for a tail and unworkable muscles once meant to move the ears.
• The skin on the soles of the feet is about 40 times thicker than the skin on the rest of the body.
• Anthropologists think our wrists were originally attached to our armpits to form a fin for swimming. [BS]

GAME #3: CHAMPAGNE
• The bubbles in champagne are made from special air captured in the French Alps. [BS]
• The most perfect size of bottle to mature and serve champagne is the ‘magnum’.
• Drinking champagne is thought to help the brain cope with stroke, Parkinson’s, and Alzheimer’s.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Just 30 minutes of THIS can diminish your allergic reaction to pollen.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Kissing. It reduces production of histamine, a chemical emitted in response to allergens. (But then, who wants to kiss someone with a runny nose for half-an-hour?)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.


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