Wednesday, July 15, 2009        Edition: #4057
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Today’s 24-hour specials from concert promoter Live Nation are $29.99 ‘All-In Lawn Tickets’ and $49.99 ‘All-In Reserved Seats’, which include parking, all fees, even a hot dog & a soft drink (sorry no $12-beers) . . . Scriptwriter Anthony Spinner is suing ABC-TV for damages, royalties, and a cut of profits from the hit TV show “Lost”, claiming he wrote a pilot for an extremely similar show way back in 1977 but the concept was rejected 3 times before an exact replica surfaced in 2004 (it took you 5 years to notice?) . . .  British boy band JLS have been forced to increase security after a giant gift-wrapped present showed up at their door which they opened to find a female fan wearing a French maid outfit with nipple tassels (isn’t that why you join a band?) . . . Word has it pseudo-singer, sorta-actress Jessica Simpson & long-time boyfriend Tony Romo have busted up, thanks to his ‘busy football schedule’ with the Dallas Cowboys (BS translation: He’s had enough of her stage dad Joe) . . . Retail chain Target has pulled out of a deal to sell designer Anna Sui’s fashion line inspired by “Gossip Girl” (CW) after a top exec got nervous about being associated with the sometimes raunchy show (no ‘Blair’ jammies for you!) . . . Souvenirs from Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” London residency, which was scheduled to begin Monday, are now available both online & through retailers (T-shirts, belt buckles, caps, sunglasses, mugs, spare noses …) . . . Debbie Rowe has reportedly agreed to drop her bid for custody of her children with Michael Jackson in exchange for $4 million (thereby answering the question ‘how much do you love your kids?’) . . . And now Janet Jackson is said to be pushing for custody of the 3 children, a move the family is said to support because current care-giver, her mom Katherine, is 79-years-old (wouldn’t be surprised if these freaks set up an auction).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:

• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Paul McCartney returns to the Ed Sullivan Theater, site of The Beatles’ American debut on “The Ed Sullivan Show” 45 years ago. It’s his first appearance on Letterman’s CBS show.
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The top 10 finalists compete with new partners.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – “American Idol” Kris Allen (“No Boundaries”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Daughtry (“Leave This Town”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – Drummer Joey Kramer has revealed that it’s frontman Steven Tyler who’s been injured, causing postponement of their tour. Seems Tyler has torn a quadriceps muscle in his leg while ‘jumping around’ onstage. It’s hoped the tour will resume in a week or so.
• Alan Jackson – He’s updated his 1994 cookbook “Who Says You Can’t Cook It All” with over 60 new recipes from his family. It’s named after his 1994 hit “(Who Says) You Can’t Have It All”.
• Black Eyed Peas – Fergie tells “Marie Claire” magazine she’s
attempting to clean up her ‘filthy’ language onstage because she’d like
to become a better role model for young girls.
• Cheap Trick – They emerged in the 1970s at the height of the 8-track cassette, which is why they’ve released their new album, “The Latest”, in the ancient format. Who’ll be able to play it?
• Kid Rock – He’s selling his ‘Badass’ brand of beer at his “Block Party” shows this weekend at Detroit’s Comerica Park. He promises the brew is ‘refreshing, cold, and gives you a good buzz’.
• Lady GaGa – She’s now scored three #1 hits from her debut album, “The Fame”. (“LoveGame”, “Poker Face”, “Just Dance”.)
• LeAnn Rimes – Former TV “Superman” Dean Cain tells TV show “Extra” he’s known her a long time but, contrary to recent rumors, they’re ‘just friends’. Uh huh.
• Toby Keith – He says he’s about halfway finished his new album, “American Ride”, and plans to release it this fall.
• Trace Adkins – He’s featured in an upcoming episode of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” (ABC) in which the design team & volunteers rebuild the home of a Dallas TX cop who was shot and permanently disabled on-the-job.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
“Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince” ( PG Fantasy Adventure ): In his 6th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, Potter discovers even more about evil Lord Voldemort’s past, thanks to his mentor Dumbledore and a mysterious textbook marked ‘Property Of the Half-Blood Prince’. Hard to believe the most violent Potter film gets a PG rating. Stars Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson. Opened in theaters at 12:01 am.
NET: http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/harrypotterandthehalf-bloodprince/

MORE ICKY STUFF THAT COMES IN A CAN:
Swiss company Katadyn has created the world’s first … canned cheeseburger. Simply throw the tin in a pot of water over your campfire, wait a few minutes, and you’re ready to dine. But beware, the verdict is not good from brave folks who’ve actually tasted this monstrosity. One tester says it resembles a really terrible veggie burger, sort of ‘beef-esque’. Another says the rank, unsweetened ketchup overwhelms the burger, while the cheese & bun do nothing other than helpfully keep the ‘meat’ further away from the taste buds. (Wow, there really may be something worse than Spam!)
– Gizmodo.com

BS BUZZWORDS:
New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Hobby Hobo’ – A part-time hobo; a person who engages in hobo-like behavior while on vacation from their full-time job (ie: hopping freight trains).
• ‘Intexticated’ – Preoccupied by reading or sending text messages, particularly while driving. (“She rode her bike flat into a wall at full speed. It was death by intextication.”)
• ‘Jetiquette’ – Set of social rules pertaining to air travel. (Thou shalt not hog the arm rest; thou shalt not tip your seat back while I’m trying to eat; thou shalt not steal my dessert …)
• ‘Sightjogging’ – The healthy art of sightseeing whilst running. (See also: ‘tripping and falling’.)

CHEAP THEFT DETERRENT:
Lose your wallet? Hopefully you were carrying a baby picture. In a recent study in which psychologists intentionally ‘lost’ hundreds of wallets on the streets of Edinburgh, Scotland, those containing baby photos had the highest return rate, with 88% being sent back. Next came those with pictures of a puppy (53%), a family (48%), and an elderly couple (28%). (The ones that never showed up were full of pictures of the Queen … British pounds.)
– “Times Online”

ALL-TIME TOP SLASHER MOVIES:

A new ranking of the all-time scariest of the scary films that have hit the bigscreen …
5. “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (1974)
4. “Scream” (1996)
3. “Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 1” (1984)
2. “Friday 13th: Part VI: Jason Lives” (1986)
1. “Halloween” (1978)
– HecklerSpray.com

MUSIC LESSONS ENHANCE IQ:

Along with soothing the senses, music seems to make kids smarter. University of Toronto researchers have found that weekly lessons in piano or voice help to increase the IQ level of 6-year-olds. The study seems to indicate that musical training exercises parts of the brain useful in mathematics, spatial intelligence, and other intellectual pursuits. (In related news, piano-playing dyslexics have been found to have higher QIs.)
– ANI Science & Health

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A 26-year-old Tennessee woman has been sentenced to 18 months in jail for causing the death of her husband during a sex game. Seems she tied him up and gagged him as part of a bondage fantasy, then left him alone in their mobile home … for 20 hours! And what was she doing? Hanging with another guy she met online. (For more information, Google ‘trailer trash’.)
– KnoxNews.com
• After deciding it was the only being on Earth who displayed the qualities she was looking for in a husband, a Ghanaian women has married … her dog. She says men are all the same – skirt-chasers and cheaters – but her pooch is kind & loyal and treats her with respect. Her family boycotted the ceremony, calling it ‘a stupid step to combat her loneliness’. (No one wants a son-in-law that hugs your leg.)
– Ananova News Service
• The family of a Staten Island NY teen is filing a lawsuit against the Big Apple after the poor girl fell down a manhole … while sending a text message on her cellphone. Fortunately she suffered only minor cuts & bruises. Maintenance workers claim they left the manhole uncovered and unattended for only seconds while retrieving traffic cones from their truck. The city’s Department of Environmental Protection is investigating the incident. (Sorry girlie, but U R @ falt.)
– AHN

THE FRIGGIN’ TRUTH:
Swearing lessens pain, according to psychologists at Britain’s Keele University. Their study involved volunteers who put their hands in a tub of ice water for as long as possible while repeating a swear word of their choice. They then repeated the experiment using a common non-swear word. The researchers found the volunteers were able to keep their hands in the ice water for a longer period when swearing, thereby establishing a link between cussing and increased pain tolerance. (“Holy *&!?$% this ?*$#-ing water’s cold!”)
– Reuters

WORLD’S WORST TOURISTS:

Irritating French vacationers have knocked the Chinese off top spot as the ‘World’s Worst Tourists 2009′. A survey of 4,500 hotel owners worldwide cites the rudeness, arrogance, and unwillingness of the French to speak local languages, as well as their reluctance to tip. Americans had a shot at the title after being voted messiest, loudest, and worst-dressed, but redeemed themselves as the world’s most generous tippers. And the overall best tourists? In order: Japanese, Brits, Canadians, Germans, and Swiss.
– Agence France-Presse

DID YOU KNOW?
The word ‘khaki’ is derived from the Persian word for dust. It originally meant dust-colored but was soon applied to describe fabric of this color used for uniforms.
– “Webster’s Dictionary of Word Origins”

BS CHRONOMETER 07.15.09


TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1956 [53] Joe Satriani, Westbury NY, rock guitarist (Chickenfoot-“Oh Yeah”)  FACTOID: Chickenfoot’s North American tour begins August 2nd in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

1961 [48] Forest Whitaker, Longview TX, movie actor (2007 Oscar-“The Last King of Scotland”, “Panic Room”)/movie director (“First Daughter”, “Hope Floats”)

1966 [43] Jason Bonham, Dudley UK, rock drummer (son of late Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham who filled in during the band’s 2007 reunion concert)

1972 [37] Scott Foley, Kansas City KS, TV actor (“Scrubs” 2002-04, “Felicity” 1998-2002)/movie actor (“Scream 3”)/ex-Mr Jennifer Garner

1973 [36] John Dolmayan, Beirut, Lebanon, rock drummer (System Of a Down-“Spiders”, “Innervision”)

1973 [36] Brian Austin Green, Van Nuys CA, TV actor (“Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” 2008-09, “Beverly Hills 90210” 1990-2000)/sometime boyfriend of actress Megan Fox

1977 [32] Ray Toro, Jersey City NJ, rock guitarist (My Chemical Romance-“Welcome To the Black Parade”, “Famous Last Words”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “St Swithun’s Day”, celebrated worldwide in honor of the 7th-century Bishop of Winchester. According to legend, if it rains on St Swithun’s Day it will rain for the next 40 days. If it is clear, no rain will fall for 40 days. This dumb idea was immortalized in GF Northall’s 1892 straining-to-rhyme poem …
“St Swithin’s Day if thou dost rain, For 40 days it will remain;
St Swithin’s Day if thou be fair, For 40 days ’twill rain na mair.”

• “Respect Canada Day” as declared by the US-based ‘Wellness Permission League’, a day to ‘show we know it’s not some strange northern province of America’.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .

1869 [140] 1st use of ‘margarine’, by the French Navy (1st sailor exclaims “Har, I can’t believe it’s not lard!”)

1902 [107] ’3M Company’ founded (the people who purposely hide the end of the Scotch Tape)

1929 [80] 1st ‘airport hotel’ opens, in Oakland CA (Mr & Mrs Smith check in)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2007 [02] 125-year-old Philadelphia Phillies become first Major League Baseball team to lose 10,000 games St Louis Cardinals win 10-2 (established in 1883 as the Philadelphia Quakers, later called the Blue Jays in the mid-1940s)

COMING UP . . .

[Thurs] Get to Know Your Customers Day
[Thurs] “Emmy Awards” nominations announced
[Fri] “(500) Days of Summer” opens in movie theaters
[Sat] Hot Dog Day
[Sat] Mandela Day Celebration (NYC)
[Sun] Ice Cream Day
This Week Is … Therapeutic Recreation Week
This Month Is … Ice Cream Month

BULL’S BITS


BS PHRASES YOU WOULDN’T WANT USED AT YOUR FUNERAL:
• ‘autoerotic asphyxiation’
• ‘found by cadaver dogs’
• ‘hopped up on goofballs’
• ‘minutes from rescue’
• ‘prehensile tail’
– McSweeneys.net

BS PHONE STARTER:

If you could wake up tomorrow in the body of someone else currently living, would you do so? Whom would you pick?

TABLE NAMES AT WEDDINGS IF WE WERE TRUTHFUL:
• ‘People We Didn’t Think Would Come’
• ‘People We Invited Solely Because They Invited Us to Their Weddings’
• ‘Relatives We Haven’t Seen in 20 Years’
• ‘Wealthy People’
• ‘Sorry, but You Are …?’
– Thanks to Harris Bloom.

BS RANDOM JOKE:
When a guy goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.

BS WEB GOODIE:
The ‘Manslator’ translates what guys say into exactly what they mean. Just type a guy line (ie: “I love you”) in the text box and click on ‘manslate’. Warning: the truth can be ugly!
NET: http://tinyurl.com/l47erw

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:

Today’s Question: According to “Women’s Health” magazine we eat up to 50% more when we do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Dine with friends.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.


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