Monday, July 20, 2009        Edition: #4060
Why Not Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning?

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Katherine Heigl & Gerard Butler were among 400 guests evacuated from the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles after a bomb scare Saturday. The actors were promoting their upcoming movie “The Ugly Truth” (opening this Friday) when a mysterious phone call was received and investigators cleared the premises. Cops found no unattended packages or luggage and the hotel reopened 2 hours later. (Only a really jaded cynic could suggest this was a publicity stunt.)
– People.com
• 23-year-old actress Mischa Barton has been placed on ‘involuntary psychiatric hold’ after reportedly suffering a meltdown at her Los Angeles home last week. Reports say friends of the former “OC” star called cops amid fears she would kill herself after a 3-day cocaine binge. One ‘friend’ says Barton’s running out of money and can’t find love, so now she’s a suicidal, uninsurable mess. (If you’re uninsurable in Hollywood, it’s tough to get a gig.)
– PageSix.com
• Police investigating the death of Michael Jackson will bring charges of 2nd-degree murder within days, according to a new report. It suggests the Jackson family has been told the Drug Enforcement Administration is pushing for the criminal charge after an autopsy showed he died from an injected overdose of painkiller Diprivan. The charges could be brought against whoever administered the drug and/or anyone who made it available. Once the criminal charges are announced, it’s thought the family will also file a wrongful death lawsuit. (Because 40% of a multi-million-dollar estate just ain’t enough.)
– “News Of the World”
• 38-year-old actress-turned-reality TV star Denise Richards blabs that she regularly checks into hotels for secret ‘no-strings-attached sex sessions’ with male friends. She’s been single since her split from ex-husband Charlie Sheen, preferring to get her kicks from rendezvous with ‘friends with benefits’. She admits she wouldn’t want to bring them home to her house, but she still wants to ‘have a good time’. (If it looks like a tramp, and acts like a tramp, odds are …)
– “Globe”
• And Walter Cronkite, the premier TV anchorman of the golden age of network news, died Friday at age 92. Often called the ‘Most Trusted Man in America’, he was the face of the “CBS Evening News” from 1962-81. (Almost everyone old enough to remember the era can do an impression of him. Ask listeners to call in theirs as a tribute.)
– StarPulse.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:

• “The Bachelorette” (ABC/CityTV) – Canadian bachelorette Jillian Harris shares unseen moments of the latest season; more information on the final 2 bachelors is provided.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Flo Rida (“Roots”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Linkin Park (“New Divide”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Ben Harper & Relentless7 (“White Lies For Dark Times”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (CBS) – Tom Jones (“24 Hours”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Spinnerette (“Spinnerette”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Alanis Morissette (“Flavors Of Entanglement”).
• “Tavis Smiley Show” (PBS) – Prince (“LOtUSFLOW3R”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Kate Voegele (“A Fine Mess”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Amy Winehouse – Ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil is reportedly demanding a $9-million divorce settlement because he was the inspiration for her hit album “Back to Black”. According to UK law, he has 6 weeks to negotiate a financial settlement or he must walk away with nothing.
• 50 Cent – The price of his stripper-poll-filled Connecticut estate has dropped again … to $10.9 million. The 50,000-sq-ft mega-mansion once owned by boxer Mike Tyson has 19 bedrooms, 37 bathrooms, a gym, billiards rooms, racquetball courts, and a disco. The initial $18.5-million price has been reduced several times. Fiddy bought the joint for $4.1 million in 2003.
• Kid Rock – He’s hoping to recruit either country singer Martina McBride or soul singer Mary J Blige to sing on the chorus of a new song called “Care” for his next album, tentatively slated for a summer 2010 release. He’s currently working on the project with producer Rick Rubin.
• Lady Antebellum – “I Run to You” has risen to the top of this week’s “Billboard” country chart. The tune almost didn’t make it onto their self-titled debut album, and even when it did, it wasn’t considered single material. Surprise, it’s their first #1!
• Michael Jackson – For years, his lifetime sales tally was reported at 200 million albums worldwide. But in late 2006, reports began putting the number at 750 million, a figure that became part of popular lore as he was attempting a comeback. “Wall Street Journal” notes that, in the last few weeks, that erroneous figure has again popped up in obituaries & retrospectives.
• Terri Clark – She’s completed work on a concert compilation CD, “Road Rage”, to be sold at her shows and her website. She’s also planning the release of a new studio album, “The Long Way Home”, in September.

CRAPPY MEDICINE:
Entrepreneurs in India are cashing in on the latest hot commodity on the streets of New Delhi … health cures made from cow urine and dung. There’s a ‘multi-utility pill’ claimed to cure anything from diabetes to piles to ladies’ problems and a liquid medicine said to battle cancer, hysteria, and irregular periods. Along with the medicines, a wide variety of related health products are gaining popularity including cow dung toothpaste, detergent, a skin-whitening cream, baldness & obesity cures, soap, and even a cow urine antiseptic aftershave. (Is that Axe? No, pee!)
– “Daily Telegraph”

WHY GUYS ARE GROSS:
Ever wonder why men like to belch in public? According to research, a bit of gross behavior is ingrained in male identity. Observing etiquette means having to restrain impulses. Men tend to be more impulsive than women, partly because boys are taught it’s okay to follow impulses at certain times. (That old rhyme about what little boys are made of? All true!)
– “First For Women”

BARING ALL TO COLLEAGUES:

Time for the summer office party, social get-togethers that often involve wearing a bathing suit. Career experts advise you to remember that once you’ve stripped to the equivalent of skivvies in front of your co-workers, you’ll never be fully dressed in their minds again. Professional relationships often depend on maintaining a certain emotional distance. Revealing personal details like the birthmark on your belly or your varicose veins can close that space permanently. (“Has Stretchmarks come in yet this morning?” “No, she stopped off for coffee with Furback.”)
– “Wall Street Journal”

FOR THE RECORD:

The ‘World’s Oldest Man’, 113-year-old Henry Allingham, passed away in his sleep at a nursing home in southern England Saturday, just a month after the death of the previous title holder, Tomoji Tanabe of Japan, who also died aged 113. Allingham always said his secret to long life was ‘cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women’. The world’s oldest man is now a 112-year-old American, Walter Breuning, who was born September 21, 1896.
– CBS News

DID YOU KNOW?

• Plants that smell of almonds or marzipan are more likely to be poisonous.
• The best saffron is made from crocus flowers picked at dawn.
– “Magazine Monitor”

BS CHRONOMETER 07.20.09


TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [62] Carlos Santana, Autlan de Navarro, Mexico, pop musician (“Game of Love”, “Smooth”)/tied Michael Jackson’s record for most “Grammy Awards” in a single year by winning 8 in 2000

1964 [45] Chris Cornell, Seattle WA, rock singer (“Part of Me”, ex-Audioslave-“Be Yourself”, ex-Soundgarden-“Black Hole Sun”)

1966 [43] Stone Gossard, Seattle WA, rock guitarist (Pearl Jam-“Backspacer”, due September 20th)

1969 [40] Josh Holloway, San Jose CA, TV actor (‘Sawyer Ford’ on “Lost” 2004-10)

1971 [38] Sandra Oh, Nepean ON, TV actress (‘Dr Cristina Yang’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” since 2005)/movie actress (“Under the Tuscan Sun”, “Sideways”)

1973 [36] Omar Epps, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (‘Dr Eric Foreman’ on “House MD” since 2004)

1976 [33] Andrew Stockdale, Brisbane, Australia, rock singer/guitarist (Wolfmother-“Joker & The Thief”, “Woman”)

1980 [29] Gisele Bundchen, Horizontina, Brazil, highest-paid model in the world since 2005/wed to NFL quarterback Tom Brady (New England Patriots) in February

1980 [29] Mike Kennerty, Stillwater OK, rock guitarist (All-American Rejects-“Gives You Hell”, “Dirty Little Secret”)

1988 [21] Julianne Hough, Orem UT, country singer (“That Song in My Head”)/dancer (2-time winner on “Dancing With the Stars” since 2006)  COMING UP: The movie remake “Footloose” (2010).

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .

• “Get Out Of the Doghouse Day”, a day to ask for final forgiveness for whatever minor crimes you’ve committed.

• “Hug Your Kid Day”, a reminder to take time to be tactile with your tots. Of course, if you need to be reminded, you likely have some issues.

• “Lollipop Day”, celebrating the 1908 invention of the famous candy on a stick. Pieces of hard candy were put on the ends of pencils for kids to nibble much earlier than that, but the treat had no name. So here’s to lollipops! When it comes to yum, you can’t lick ‘em … er’ actually you can.

• “Moon Day”, the 40th anniversary of the first lunar landing in 1969. Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first to walk on the Moon as he proclaimed “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” while nearly 700 million Earthlings tuned in. Edwin ‘Buzz’ Aldrin joined him later (his mother’s maiden name was ‘Moon’), while Michael Collinsremained orbiting above. Astronauts say lunar dust feels like snow, smells like gunpowder, and doesn’t taste too bad. And here are 10 other things you likely didn’t know about the lunar landing …
NET: http://tinyurl.com/l5p7kb

• “Special Olympics Day”, a day of awareness for disabled athletes.

• “Ugly Truck Day”. Sure a brand new, shiny truck with all the gadgets working is a great thing, but an old ugly truck is something to cherish with pride! Or maybe that’s just a guy thing?

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2007 [02] Bigscreen version of hit Broadway musical”Hairspray” opens in movie theaters

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1996 [13] “Blue”, the first major-label album by 13-year-old LeAnn Rimes, debuts at #1 on “Billboard” Country Music chart & #4 on Pop Album chart

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
2005 [04] Canada becomes the 4th country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1919 [90] Hottest day ever recorded in Ontario at 42.2 C (108 F)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] National Junk Food Day
[Wed] Hammock Day
[Wed] Health, Happiness With Hypnosis Day
[Thurs] Hot Enough For Ya Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Baby Food Week / Captive Nations Week / Independent Retailers Week / Lumberjack Week / Oil Heritage Week / Restless Leg Syndrome Education & Awareness Week

BULL’S BITS


BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS SIGNS YOU’RE A DUMB GUY:
• Inability to predict upcoming traffic light color.
• You subsist entirely on a diet of accidentally swallowed gum.
• You have to call an electrician every morning to turn off your alarm clock.
• People wearing “I’m With Stupid” T-shirts always ask to walk beside you.
• You get a letter saying you’ve been approved for a ‘VISA Platinum Dumb Guy’ card.
• Every time someone tells a knock-knock joke, you get up to answer the door.
• You drag your butt out of bed at 4 am on a Monday to shuffle into a radio station and do a morning show.
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – You’re missing a few important elements for a truly great summer: a kiddie pool in the living room for watchin’ TV in style, Potted Meat Snackaz!, and a good poking stick for changing channels when your clicker inevitably dies.
• Taurus – A potential mate will come to you today and destroy your self confidence. Bizarrely, you will attempt a counter-strike by sharpening all your pencils.
• Gemini – Your days operating as a high-priced unlicensed dentist will come to an end when cops are tipped off by one of your patients who notices your only ‘instruments’ are a pair of rusty pliers and a bottle of brandy.
• Cancer – The most erotic thoughts are those brought on by bubbles in your spinal fluid. Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start.
• Leo – Soon you will come upon the answer to the most antagonizing question of all … which Olsen twin is, indeed, the hot one? Actually, it’s Mary-Kate. Ashley’s her middle-aged midget mother. And yes, they still sleep in the same bed together. Freakers!
• Virgo – Today you’ll fall in love with someone whose head looks very similar to a football. You’ll nickname your new partner ‘Wilson’.
• Libra – All is fair in love and war. Unfortunately, you personally are neither in love nor at war. Except maybe with that byatch down the hall who keeps blasting Black Eyed Peas until 3 am.
• Scorpio – This week will see big advances in your love life. Your lonely existence will be replaced with a slightly less lonely existence when you are given a blow-up doll as a joke.
• Sagittarius – You’ve noticed it’s getting harder to get a good night’s sleep. This is partially due to the Moon moving into the 7th orbit. It’s also due to that nest of centipedes in your mattress.
• Capricorn – You’re disgusted with yourself today as yet again you miss an opportunity to put things right between yourself & your lover. But, on the other hand, good news! You find some chewing gum you thought you’d eaten.
• Aquarius – To love is to show someone how ridiculous you can be when you let your guard down. Some will find that attractive; others will think you’re a lush who’s too damned easy.
• Pisces – Warning! The screaming out of multiplication tables during love-making is certainly inventive but it’s also likely to alienate your partner who will assume your heart really isn’t in it.

BS RANDOM JOKE:
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got 2 girlfriends.

BS PHONE STARTER:
What makes you fall for a guy? Smarts? Humor? Beard? What about you, guys? What do you find really attractive? Cute clothes? Intelligence? Dorkiness?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In a survey of women THIS was picked as the perfect age.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: 28.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:

All generalizations are bad.


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