Friday, July 9, 2010        Edition: #4302
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!


TV actress Jenna Fischer just got hitched, and her “Office” co-star John Kraskinski is next, speculation being he’ll wed Brit actress Emily Blunt (“The Devil Wears Prada”) on Saturday (‘Jim’ groupies weep!) . . . MTV/VH1 personality LaLa Vazquez will also exchange vows Saturday, with longtime basketball player-boyfriend Carmelo Anthony (Denver Nuggets) . . . And country superstar Carrie Underwood has reportedly told “Life & Style” magazine her wedding to NHL player  Mike Fisher (Ottawa Senators) is Saturday, but gives no more details (word has it they’ll honeymoon in Tahiti) . . . Portugal football superstar and infamous playboy Cristiano Ronaldo has decided to parent the result of a romantic fling, a baby boy whom he’s named – Cristiano Ronaldo (so far he’s foisted the lad on his sister) . . . Famous person Kendra Wilkinson is releasing the tell-all book, “Sliding Into Home”, which among other things shares details about her sex life with Hugh Hefner (ewwww, icky!) . . . The Walt Disney Co is set to launch an appeal after being ordered to hand over $269 million to UK company Celador for the rights to the quiz show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”, which became a huge hit for Disney’s ABC-TV in 2002 (with Mouse House lawyers on the case, this will drag out another 8 years) . . . And “Beavis & Butt-Head” (1993-97) creator Mike Judge is currently developing 30 new episodes of his iconic animated comedy for MTV (further proof they’ve totally run out of ideas).


• AquaPalooza 2010 (Austin TX) – Saturday Brad Paisley headlines the floating concert series’ signature event at Lake Travis. The free concert is open to fans who watch from their boats.
• “CMT Crossroads” (CMT) – Tonight Steve Miller celebrates the release of his new album “Bingo!” by sharing the stage with longtime friend Kenny Chesney.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Today current “American Idol” Lee DeWyze and runner-up Crystal Bowersox.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Drake (“Thank Me Later”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight She & Him (“Volume 2”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Eminem (“Recovery”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Tonight Sarah McLachlan (“Laws Of Illusion”).
• “Live From the Gulf” (CMT) – Sunday Jimmy Buffett’s rescheduled beachfront concert to raise awareness and promote tourism in oil-spill-affected areas on the Gulf of Mexico airs live from Gulf Shores, Alabama. Other performers include Kenny Chesney and the Zac Brown Band.
• Oxegen Festival – Ireland’s largest music festival, just outside of Dublin, features over 150 acts throughout the weekend, including Arcade Fire, Black Eyed Peas, Broken Social Scene, Eminem, Jay-Z, Muse, Rise Against, and Vampire Weekend.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Jude Law hosts; Pearl Jam is musical guest.
• T in The Park (Balado, Scotland) – This weekend’s lineup for the annual mega-fest includes Black Eyed Peas, Eminem, Jay-Z, John Mayer, Muse, and 30 Seconds To Mars among others.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – This morning Lady Gaga performs for the Summer Concert Series.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Chris Isaak (“Live At the Fillmore”).


• Beyoncé – This week she had a close call during a shopping trip in London when a taxicab reportedly ripped off the door of her private car just moments before she stepped out.
• Katy Perry – “California Gurls” has topped 13,000 spins in a week for 2 consecutive weeks, making it the all-time Mediabase record-holder for Top 40 airplay.
• LeAnn Rimes – She’s announced she’s ‘taking a break’ from Twitter because it’s unhealthy to read negative comments from people who’s opinions have no bearing on her life.
• Martina McBride – She personally led her 3 daughters, ages 5-to-15, in helping victims of the recent flooding in Tennessee, doling out both moral support and drinking water.
• Shakira – Sunday she performs her 2010 World Cup anthem, “Waka Waka (This Time For Africa)” at the event’s closing ceremony before the championship match (Holland vs Spain).
• Van Halen – Contrary to rumors circulating online, they are NOT currently recording a new album with David Lee Roth, according to Eddie Van Halen’s wife and spokesperson Janie.
• The Who – Despite continued uncertainty about the status of Pete Townshend’s hearing, Roger Daltrey says they hope to tour again in 2011, either with a new show or a live version of their album “Quadrophenia”. Daltry is now 66; Townshend 65.

• “Despicable Me” ( PG Animated Comedy ): In a happy suburban neighborhood, a trio of orphan girls cause the normally deplorable villain ‘Gru’ to rethink his plan to steal the Moon. Voice cast includes Steve Carell, Jason Segel, Russell Brand, Julie Andrews.
• “Predators” ( R-Rated Sci-fi Thriller ): Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, Topher Grace star in this tale of elite warriors who are hunted by members of a merciless alien race. A sequel to the 1987 Arnold Schwarzenegger film “Predator” and it’s follow-up “Predator 2” (1990).


• An English theater group says it has discovered that performing Shakespeare to cows helps them produce up to 4% more milk. The Changeling Theatre Co selected “The Merry Wives of Windsor” for their bovine audience. (You know your acting career is tanking when …)
– “Daily Telegraph”
• In a stunt designed to highlight the wage disparity between men and women this week, Sweden’s Feminist Party roasted a pile of banknotes worth 100,000 Swedish crowns, or about $13,000. (It was more fun when feminists burned bras.)
• A British man has spent more than $16,000 on breast implants for his wife … and his 2 daughters. One daughter says it’s a really close family, so having boob jobs together seemed ‘the most natural thing in the world’. (Besides, you get a much better deal on a six-pack.)
– “The Mirror”
• Alvin Greene, who’s being investigated for winning the Democratic Senate primary in South Carolina without even campaigning, has revealed his plan to create jobs if he wins the election in November … action dolls in his likeness. (This guy’s so wonky he’s liable to get elected.)
• A motivational day organized for an Italian real estate agency has backfired as 9 of the staff had to be taken to hospital after walking on hot coals. (Organizer ‘Michael Scott’ has since disappeared.)
• McDonald’s has apologized for a distribution mix-up that led to colored condoms intended for the Provincetown, Massachusetts school system being inserted into over 5,000 Happy Meals instead of plastic toys promoting the movie “The Last Airbender”. (The apology came after 5,000 complaints about crappy-tasting chewing gum.)

Recent rip-offs and the resulting legal repercussions …
• Men At Work “Down Under” / Campfire song “Kookaburra Sits In the Old Gum Tree” … 5% of royalties since 2002.
• Coldplay “Viva la Vida” / Joe Satriani “If I Could Fly” … Settled out of court.
• Red Hot Chili Peppers “Dani California” / Tom Petty “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” … No action taken.
• Steve Earle “Amerika 6.0” / Rolling Stones “Jumping Jack Flash” … No action taken.
• Bruce Springsteen “Radio Nowhere” / Tommy Tutone “867-5309” … No action taken.
• Ray Parker Jr “Ghostbusters” / Huey Lewis & The News “I Wanna New Drug” … Settled out of court.
• George Harrison “My Sweet Lord” / Chiffons “He’s So Fine” … $1.6-million court award, later augmented so that Harrison ended up with rights to both songs by paying $587,000.
– Adapted from “The Toilet Paper”

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … Women who are stressed eat more fatty foods, even after the stress has ended. On the other hand, men’s snack preferences stay the same regardless of stress levels. (Does beer count as a snack?)
– “Social Studies”
• Scientists say … We negotiate better when seated on a hard wooden chair. In an MIT experiment, people seated in soft comfy chairs ended up spending an average $1,200 more when making a car deal than those parked on less comfortable seating. (Don’t take this too seriously … it’s just seat-of-the-pants research.)
– AP
Scientists say … We’ve been inadvertently betraying our presence to extraterrestrials for 60 years with our TV, radio, and radar transmissions. That means the earliest episodes of “I Love Lucy” have now washed over 6,000 or so star systems, and are reaching new audiences at the rate of one solar system per day. (Wolfman Jack is #1 in the latest radio ratings from Pluto.)
– “New Scientist”


22-year-old David Calvo has managed to solve 2 Rubik’s Cubes one-handed simultaneously, completing the puzzles in just 76 seconds as he sat on the bottom of a tank at Terra Natura Park in Benidorm, Spain …. while surrounded by 6 sharks.
– Orange News


3 decades of wars, massacres, and sectarian killings have left Iraq with as many as 1 million widows, by Iraqi government count. Over 100,000 women have lost their husbands since the current Iraq War began.


1952 [58] John Tesh, Garden City NY, syndicated radio host (“The John Tesh Radio Show”)/author (“Intelligence For Your Life”)/former TV host (“Entertainment Tonight” 1986-96)/quasi-musician (“Power of Love”)

1956 [54] Tom Hanks, Concord CA, movie actor (Academy Awards-“Forrest Gump”, “Philadelphia”)

1964 [46] Courtney Love (Harrison), San Francisco CA, sometime singer (Hole-“Nobody’s Daughter”)/sometime actress (“People vs Larry Flynt”)/Mrs Kurt Cobain (1992-94)

1968 [42] Xavier Muriel, San Antonio TX, rock drummer (Buckcherry-“Sorry”, “Lit Up”)

1975 [35] Jack White (Gillis), Detroit MI, rock musician (The Raconteurs-“Steady As She Goes”, White Stripes-“Seven Nation Army”)/movie actor (“Cold Mountain”)

1984 [26] Jacob Hoggard, Abbotsford BC, rock singer (Hedley-“Perfect”, “On My Own”)/TV contestant (“Canadian Idol 2”)

Canadian author Alice Munro (“The Love Of a Good Woman”) is 79; Rocker/radio personality Kim Mitchell (“Patio Lanterns”) is 58; Classic rock singer/guitarist Rik Emmett (Triumph) is 57; Country singer Gary LeVox (Rascal Flatts) is 40; TV actor Adrian Grenier (“Entourage”) is 34; Movie actress/pop singer Jessica Simpson is 30.

Fashion designer Giorgio Armani (Armani suits) is 76; Rock guitarist Richie Sambora (Bon Jovi) is 51; Rock bassist Scott Shriner (Weezer) is 45; TV actor Justin Chambers (“Grey’s Anatomy”) is 40; TV actor Michael Rosenbaum (“Smallville”) is 38; Rapper Lil’ Kim (“Magic Stick”) is 35; Rock singer Ben Gibbard (Death Cab For Cutie) is 34.

• “Barn Day”, a day of appreciation for what can be attractive as well as functional architecture.
• “Calgary Stampede”, the 98th annual rodeo & 10-day festival through July 18th in Calgary, Alberta. This year’s performers include Bon Jovi, Eva Avila, Jason Aldean & Miranda Lambert, Kid Rock & Orianthi, Martina McBride, OK Go, and OneRepublic. The Stampede’s first ‘Chuckwagon Races’ were staged 87 years ago today (1923), billed as ‘the half mile of hell’.
• “Intern Appreciation Day”, a day to express gratitude to those dedicated young people who are attempting to kick off their careers by sweating it out on-the-job for free.
• “Wayne Chicken Show”, the 30th edition in Wayne, Nebraska, home of the “National Cluck-Off” in which contestants must be audible across a barnyard while acting and sounding like a chicken for 15 seconds. Other events: ‘Most Beautiful Beak’, ‘Best Chicken Legs On a Human’ and the ‘Rubber Chicken Chuck’.

• “Don’t Step On a Bee Day”, a warning to kids and grown-ups that now is the time when going barefoot can mean getting stung by a bee. And with the recent disappearance of millions of the crop-pollinating critters, we need to save every one we can!
• “Moon Amtrak”. For the 32nd consecutive year, customers at Mugs Away Saloon in Laguna Niguel, California line up cheek-to-cheek and simultaneously drop their drawers to ‘moon’ passing trains. The bottoms-up bash draws as many as 1,000 bums to the tavern.

• “Cheer Up the Lonely Day”, an opportunity to make a lonely person happy by spending some time with them. Hey, it’s a good day to give [co-host] a call!
• “Pet Photo Day”, a day to pose your little darlin’ and snap off a few JPEGs. And don’t forget to further humiliate the critter by decking it out in a dress and funny hat. And be sure to Photoshop the result and add the torso of a platypus.
• “World Population Day”, declared by the UN as a day to focus on the problems of overpopulation. About 150 people are born each minute or close to a quarter-million people daily. World population crossed the 5-billion mark on this day in 1987; the 6-billion mark in 1999; and is expected to hit 7 billion by 2013.


1999 [11] Mick Jagger’s marriage to model Jerry Hall is officially annulled in a London court, ending 8 years of marriage and a 22-year relationship


1960 [50] 7-year-old Roger Woodward becomes 1st person to go over Niagara Falls by accident and live … thanks to a lifejacket

2000 [10] Pete Sampras overcomes rain, double faults, darkness, and Patrick Rafter to make tennis history by winning his 7th Wimbledon title and a record-breaking 13th Grand Slam championship


[Mon] International Town Criers Day
[Tues] Embrace Your Geekness Day
[Tues] Gruntled Workers Day
[Wed] “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs] Gummi Worm Day
This Week Is … Be Nice to New Jersey Week
This Month Is … Baked Bean Month


This is “Nude Recreation Week”. What would be the absolute worst game to play naked? Rugby? Hockey? Greco-Roman Wrestling?


• Tough to keep your eye on the ball when playing a game.
• In naked baseball, sliding in to 2nd’s a real bitch.
• Getting sunblock in places you can’t even get soap.
• No place to carry beer money.
• Splinters on the bench.
• Mosquito bites in places where it looks rude to scratch.
• Uncontrollable bouncing.

Etiquette is knowing which fingers to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.


Today’s Question: A third of women are totally loyal to THIS; the rest change constantly.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their shampoo brand. (“Wall Street Journal”)


A grownup is someone who suffers from responsibility.

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