Wednesday, July 28, 2010        Edition: #4309
Good Morning, Sheetheads!

Former reality TV couple Jon & Kate Gosselin have finally settled their lengthy custody battle over their 8 kids, but details of the agreement are being kept confidential other than the statement ‘they will be working together for the benefit of their children’ (they’re putting them up for adoption?) . . . Paris Hilton’s publicist has denied reports the pseudo-actress was giving a Nazi salute while partying on a boat in St Tropez, France recently, insisting the socialite was merely ‘dancing while scratching under her nose’ (snort, how do they think this stuff up?) . . . 37-year-old actress Cameron Diaz (“Knight & Day”) tells UK’s “The Sun” she’s in ‘no rush to settle down and have kids’ (BS translation: After they see me without makeup, guys always dump me) . . . After moving into BFF Jennifer Bunney’s Malibu CA home this Summer, Heidi Montag has now decided to drop out of a planned reality TV show the two were planning (what can we say but … thanks!) . . . 41-year-old “CSI: Miami” actress Emily Procter (‘Calleigh Duquesne’) has confirmed the happy news to “TV Guide” that she’s expecting a first child with her musician partner, Paul Bryan, but the pregnancy will not be written into the upcoming season (now that’s acting!) . . . And contrary to numerous reports, famous inmate Lindsay Lohan ‘will not leave jail before August’, according to a spokesman at the Century Regional Correctional Facility in Lynwood CA where she’s serving time (so she’s likely out Sunday then … after a grueling 10 days).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Chely Wright (“Lifted Off the Ground”).
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Norah Jones (“The Fall”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Rhymefest (“Blue Collar”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Wild Light (“Adult Nights”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Dierks Bentley performs “Draw Me a Map” from his latest album, “Up On the Ridge”.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Flaming Lips (“The Flaming Lips & Stardeath”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Diddy-Dirty Money (“Last Train to Paris”).
• “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV) – Susan Boyle (“I Dreamed A Dream”); Adam Lambert (“For Your Entertainment”).
• “Paul McCartney: In Performance At the White House” (PBS) – McCartney accepts the ‘Gershwin Prize for Popular Song’ from President Obama. Other performers include Dave Grohl, Elvis Costello, Emmylou Harris, Faith Hill, Jack White, Jonas Bros, and Stevie Wonder. Taped June 2nd.
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The top 6 contestants perform 3 routines each.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Robert Cray (“Cookin’ in Mobile”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – 50 Cent (“Before I Self Destruct”).


• Carrie Underwood – She’s scored her 13th #1 country hit with “Undo It”, the 3rd consecutive chart-topper from her platinum-certified “Play On” album.
• The Cars – They’re teasing fans with the possibility of a reunion by posting a photo of the band working together in the studio on their Facebook page. They split 22 years ago.
• Creed – Tonight they kick off “The 20-10 Tour” in Washington DC. To fight rising concert costs the first 2,010 reserved seats are $20 all-in, meaning fans pay a flat rate with no added service charges. The remaining seats are priced at either $20 or $10, plus the fees.
• Dixie Chicks – They’ll sing a track on Steve Martin’s upcoming 2nd bluegrass album, according to a “Billboard” magazine interview with Martie Maguire.
• John Lennon – His widow Yoko Ono has submitted a letter opposing his killer’s release. Mark Chapman, now 55, faces another parole board hearing early next month.
• Ke$ha – She says she recently learned how to do homemade tattoos using a safety pin and a pen. She tells “Paper Magazine” she tested out her new skill on a ‘hot dude’ she met in a hotel.
• MIA – She’s promising fans a free concert in NYC to make up for her thunderstorm-plagued show on Governors Island Saturday night that was eventually scrapped over safety fears.
• Rihanna – She’s signed on to make her movie debut in “Battleship”, based on the game of the same name, alongside Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgard, and Tom Arnold. Filming begins in Hawaii in August with an eye toward a 2012 release.
• Wyclef Jean – There are reports he’s considering a run for President of Haiti. He tells CNN that talk of a campaign is a bit premature as he is still mulling it over. He does, however, state: “I can’t sing forever.”


New jargon leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Qwerty Tummy’ – A stomach illness caused by typing on a germ-ridden computer keyboard. (“Sorry I can’t make it in today, boss. I’ve come down with a severe case of Qwerty Tummy. Oh, and I’m also suffering from Swivel Chair Ass.)
• ‘Yaka-wow’ – Any nonsense phrase that becomes popular online. The term comes from a mistranscribed interview with neuroscientist Susan Greenfield, who described the Internet as “a load of breezy people who go around saying ‘yuck’ and ‘wow’.”
• ‘Zebra’ – Slang in the medical industry for an obscure diagnosis or strange illness. (“He went to Africa for the World Cup and came back with a zebra. It’s even worse than the vuvuzela.”)


• Famed UK department store chain Marks & Spencer is hoping to make a few pounds off childhood obesity. It’s now selling ‘Plus Fit’ clothes – cut generously at the hip and waist – for ‘husky’ kids as young as 3-years-old.
• Gainesville, Florida church Dove World Outreach Center, in keeping with its pledge to ‘stand up for righteousness’, is hosting “International Burn a Koran Day” on September 11th. That will follow its “No Homo Mayor” protest next month.
• BP CEO Tony Hayward is being replaced for his (mis)handling of the Gulf oil spill. He will collect a pay and pension package worth at least $18 million when he steps down from his role at the company.
– “Times of London”


There are lots of ways to safely dodge work that can be pulled off easily. A few suggestions …
• Take your new iPad, open up some sort of work-related document, and simply meander around the office. Superiors will think that you’re busily comparing notes with others.
• Use portable Internet access and your own hand-held to do all the stuff you can’t do on your work machine (gaming, surfing, emailing) thanks to ‘network police’.
• Use your email software’s ‘scheduled delivery’ feature to make it look like you’re still hard at it when you’ve actually gone home. You leave at 4; your brilliant new idea is emailed at 4:30.
• A truly timeless method of minimizing time spent working while at work is the ‘Paperwork Office Jog’. All you need is a bunch of papers, which you carry with you while walking around briskly.
• If you’re running Google Chrome, you can install a ‘Boss Button’ right into the browser. It allows you to quickly hide whatever it is that you were doing with a single mouse click.
• Use the Windows keyboard shortcut ALT+TAB to quickly switch between running programs. You can have that spreadsheet up in a half-second when your boss shows up unexpectedly.
• Avoid detection by using your smart phone to access stuff that’s truly important – like Facebook, Twitter, online comics, sports scores, Tumblr …
• You can surf blocked websites quite easily. Set ‘Google Translate’ to some obscure language like Afrikaans and have it ‘translate’ any site you want to browse.
• Leave a Post-it dead-center on your monitor that has ‘MEETING’ and a bogus time written on it. Make the time about a half-hour after you want to disappear. Then enjoy a 2-hour lunch.


Scientists at the Armed Forces Institute of Regenerative Medicine at Wake Forest NC have built an inkjet printer that can print … skin grafts. A laser scanner creates a map of the wound, which is used as a guide to where types of cells should be applied. Skin cells grown from the patient are loaded into sterilized cartridges and ‘printed’ on to the wound. The bio-printer drops each type of cell precisely where it needs to go, the wound is filled in, and the cells become new skin. (Someday, instead of applying makeup a girl will be able to just print a new face.)
– “Wired Magazine”


James Laver (1899-1975) was a British historian of art & fashion design. He composed the following model to depict the changing social perceptions of women’s fashion …
• ‘Indecent’ … 10 years before its time.
• ‘Shameless’ … 5 years before its time.
• ‘Daring’ … 1 year before its time.
• ‘Smart’ … Current.
• ‘Dowdy’ … 1 year after its time.
• ‘Hideous’ … 10 years after its time.
• ‘Ridiculous’ … 20 years after its time.
• ‘Quaint’ … 50 years after its time.
• ‘Romantic’ … 100 years after its time.
His system still works today, no?


An application that allows Facebook users to ‘whiten’ their profile pictures has sparked controversy in India. The ‘Transform Your Face on Facebook’ app is part of a campaign by Vaseline to take advantage of the $500-million market for skin-lightening creams in the country. In a poll of nearly 12,000 people by Indian online dating site, ‘skin tone’ is cited as the most important consideration when choosing a partner. (A subtle form of racism?)
– “Times of London”


Being time-challenged is the norm today, but these tips could help make your morning more efficient …
• Plan Ahead – Set your coffee maker the night before. Throw a cup of oats, 4 cups of water, raisins, plain almonds, walnuts, and dried fruit into your old slow cooker and set it to slow-cook on low. You’ll wake up to a healthy breakfast ready-to-eat.
• Lay It All Out – Choosing your wardrobe takes up a lot of time. Even if you can’t get it together to have your clothes ready for the next day, at least know what you’re going to wear.
• Avoid the Computer – Particularly first thing in the morning, computers are a huge time-sucker, as are Blackberries and texting.
• Try Easy No-Cook Breakfasts – When you’re running way behind, chow down on a quick sandwich and a piece of fruit, high-fibre cold cereal, or thick Greek-style yogurt with berries.
• Delegate – For those bogged down by not only our own morning chores but also those of our spouse and children, learn how to divide and conquer.
– Condensed from


• There are more than 2,000 different varieties of cheese in the world.
• An average person consumes almost 28 lbs (13 kg) of cheese per year.
• It is common in Israel and Egypt to eat watermelon with feta cheese.
• Canadians eat more Kraft Dinner (mac & cheese) per capita than any other country.
• Chedder cheese is the best selling cheese in the USA.


1945 [65] Jim Davis, Marian IN, really rich cartoonist (“Garfield”)

1945 [65] Rick Wright, London UK, classic rock musician (Pink Floyd-“Another Brick In the Wall”)/Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame (1996)

1954 [56] Hugo Chavez, Sabaneta, Venezuela, confrontational President of Venezuela since 1999

1976 [34] Jacoby Shaddix, Mariposa CA, alt-rock singer (Papa Roach-“Lifeline”, “Last Resort”)

1990 [20] Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (DeAndre Way), Chicago IL, rapper (“Kiss Me Thru the Phone”, “Crank That [Soulja Boy]”)


• “Beatrix Potter Day”, honoring the English author who created the “Peter Rabbit” children’s books on the anniversary of her 1866 birth. (Subject of the 2006 Renée Zellweger film, “Miss Potter”.)

• “Milk Chocolate Day”, an excuse for chocoholics everywhere to cow down!


2006 [04] Actor-director Mel Gibson vents an ill-advised anti-Semitic tirade as he’s arrested for DUI in Malibu CA (the ensuing police mug shot is pretty much a career killer)


1973 [37] In the 5th-largest concert event of all-time, some 600,000 pack “Summer Jam” rock festival at Watkins Glen NY featuring the Grateful Dead, the Allman Bros, and The Band


1900 [110] 1st ‘Hamburger’, according to some sources, is invented by Louis Lassing of New Haven CT (although the name comes from a sandwich popular in Hamburg, Germany)


1979 [31] A cushioned egg dropped from the top of the 1815-ft (553-m) CN Tower in Toronto lands unbroken


[Thurs] Lasagna Day
[Thurs] Chili Dog Day
[Thurs] “Jersey Shore” season debut (MTV)
[Fri] “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore”; “Charlie St Cloud”; “Dinner for Schmucks” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Father-In-Law Day
[Fri] Talk In an Elevator Day
This Week Is … Moby Dick Week
This Month Is … Smart Irrigation Month


• “If the cops search the bus, I’m your brother Eddie, ok?”
• “The sign says no spitting, but they never enforce it.”
• “Where’s the stewardess?”
• “I’ve got bus rash!”
• “Hey fatty, off my leg!”
• “May I call you Mommy?”


Helen Waite is our credit manager. So if you want credit, go to Helen Waite.


Your frog is really thirsty. What should you give it?
a. A glass of water.
b. A bath. [CORRECT. Frogs never drink … anything. They absorb water from their surroundings by osmosis. A shower might help.]
c. A beer.


If you could put a GPS on your partner, would you? (An poll finds that 20% of men & women would.)


Today’s Question: The more of THESE a man has, the longer he’ll live.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wives. Polygamous men live an extra 9 years on average. (“Oprah Magazine”)


Idealism increases in proportion to the distance from the problem.

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