Monday, July 23, 2007        Edition: #3580
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

• Despite fears an ankle injury would sideline him from his much-hyped first game, soccer star David Beckham did indeed play for the LA Galaxy SATURDAY night … for about 13 minutes in the 2nd half of an exhibition match against UK club Chelsea (which won 1-0). Spectators included Brooke Shields, Drew Carey, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Mary-Kate Olsen, and California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. SUNDAY a “Welcome to LA” party for the Beckhams was hosted by Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes alongside Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith at the Museum of Contemporary Art in downtown LA. (Are you sick of these people yet?)
– “People Magazine”
• SATURDAY “The Simpsons Movie” had its world premiere in the family’s newly-adopted hometown of Springfield, Vermont. Actors dressed as ‘Homer’, ‘Marge’, ‘Bart’, ‘Lisa’ and ‘Maggie’ walked a specially-made yellow carpet at the Springfield Theater before thousands of fans. The Vermont town beat 13 other Springfields across the US to host the premiere.
– Sky News
• 33-year-old model Kate Moss has reportedly nicknamed former bf Pete Doherty ‘The Slug’ because he’s a ‘slimy little creature who leaves a trail of nasty stuff wherever he goes’. Moss has even put her London mansion on the market to rid herself of all memories of the junkie rocker. The on & off relationship recently ended for good after Doherty was caught cheating with a South African model. (He’s a ugly, a doper and a loser but it took an affair to open her eyes.)
– “News of the World”
• 36-year-old “Bourne Ultimatum” actor Matt Damon wishes there was more of an air of mystery around celebrities. He’s vowed to continue seeking as little publicity as possible because all his acting heroes manage to keep their privates lives under wraps. Quote: “The better the actor, the less you know about his life.” (In that case, Adam Sandler must be some sort of acting god.)
– “GQ”
•  17-year-old “American Idol” winner Jordin Sparks has reportedly fallen for 23-year-old fellow finalist Chris Richardson and can’t stop flirting with him while they’re together on the “American Idols Live” concert tour. But Jordin’s mom, who is accompanying her on the 3-month tour, thinks Chris is ‘too experienced’, having already had a fling with “The Hills” actress Lauren Conrad.
– “National Enquirer”
• The costumes from the currently-showing movie “Hairspray” are being auctioned on eBay to benefit charities. Included is the fabulous pink sequined dress worn by John Travolta for his role as ‘Edna Turnblad’. Word is he had to don a fat suit to fill out the frock as well as a different wig. (But we’re not so sure … on either count.)
• If the dogfighting allegations against Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick stick, he may be drummed out of the NFL. According to Humane Society figures, over 130,000 people have contacted the league demanding that Vick be at least suspended for hosting an interstate gambling/dogfighting ring at a home he paid for in Smithfield, Virginia. It’s said to be the most vocal response to an incident of animal abuse in history.
– “Radar Magazine”
• Shemar Moore, who plays ‘Special Agent Derek Morgan’ on “Criminal Minds” (CBS/CTV), says movie star Geena Davis is likely to replace Mandy Patinkin in the series’ lead role. Patinkin recently walked out on the show without any notice, the same thing he did to the hospital drama “Chicago Hope” back in 1995.
– “TV Guide Online”
• And FRIDAY former televangelist Tammy Faye Bakker Messner (“The PTL Club” 1976-87) died at age 65 after a long battle with cancer. (The undertaker was sad she’d chosen cremation … he was hoping to improve on her garish makeup!)

• The Clash – Late frontman Joe Strummer will be honored by guitar manufacturer Fender later THIS MONTH when the ‘Joe Strummer Telecaster’ goes on sale. The late rocker, who died in 2002, played a 1966 Telecaster throughout his career.
• Common – TONIGHT the rapper performs “The People” on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Elliott Yamin – TODAY the former “American Idol” finalist does the “Ellen DeGeneres Show (syndicated/CityTV).
• 50 Cent – He’s suing Internet ad company Traffix Inc for $1 million, claiming it illegally uses his image in an online gimmick called ‘Shoot the Rapper’. His image is allegedly shown walking back & forth in an ad while the viewer is encouraged to shoot at it with a mouse click.
• Jason Aldean – TODAY he helps launch “NASCAR ‘08”, the 10th edition of the car-racing video game, at a NYC press conference. His hit single “Johnny Cash” is featured on the game’s soundtrack, along with music from Big & Rich, Brooks & Dunn, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, and Velvet Revolver. The game’s not in stores until AUGUST 8.
• Keith Urban – He’s just postponed tour dates originally scheduled for THIS FALL in Germany, the UK and Ireland, due to ‘international commitments’. Something to do with hooking up with his wife Down Under perhaps?
• Kelly Clarkson – She says she often struggles with insomnia because her songs keep her awake at night. That’s when many of her lyrics come to her and she has to write them down or record them on-the-spot in order to get any sleep.
• Kelly Rowland – TONIGHT she’s on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) and will likely field questions about her onstage collapse while performing in Nigeria a week ago.
• Lifehouse – THIS MORNING they do a random gig on “Live With Regis & Kelly (syndicated/CityTV).
• Marc Anthony/Jennifer Lopez – They’ve decided to tour together, fulfilling a wedding day vow to avoid working apart. Details have yet to be finalized.
• Terri Clark – TONIGHT a 2-hour special highlights the 36th “CMA Music Festival” (JUNE 7-10) in Nashville TN, including her opening day concert and performances from the likes of Alan Jackson, Big & Rich, Billy Currington, Brad Paisley, Brooks & Dunn, Carrie Underwood, Dierks Bentley, Gretchen Wilson, Martina McBride, Sugarland, and the Wreckers.

Frustrated 43-year-old British author David Lassman, who spent months attempting to find a publisher for his own work, recently decided to submit the first few chapters of Jane Austen’s classic novel “Pride & Prejudice”, changing only the title, character names and, of course, the author. Only 1 out of 18 publishers recognized it as Austen’s work. Penguin publishing actually described the submission as ‘a really original and interesting read’. Ironically, Penguin is already the publisher of the classic. ([Co-host] just started work on “Perry Hotter & the Border of the Kleenex”.)
– “Daily Mail”

Some of the most pointless facts science has proven in the past year …
• Women are better at remembering flowers than reading maps.
• Woodpeckers don’t get headaches.
• Women don’t like men with squeaky voices.
• Teenagers are sulky.
• Women decide whether they would date a man within 30 seconds of meeting him.
• Elephants hate walking up hills.
– “The Scotsman”

It may soon be possible to remove excess fat from the belly or butt and use it to enlarge the breasts. The procedure, called ‘Celution’, involves removing unwanted fat using a standard liposuction procedure, extracting the stem cells from the fat, and then injecting them into the breasts. There they’ll encourage breast tissue to grow for a period of 6 months. If perfected, the procedure will cost no more than a standard boob-job and take less than 1 hour to complete. (Great, but who wants a navel next to a nipple?)
– BBC News

TONIGHT CNN is teaming with YouTube to allow viewers at home to question candidates at the Democratic presidential candidates’ debate. Viewers’ submissions will be presented as leading questions with moderator Anderson Cooper (“AC 360”) then providing follow-ups. YouTube users will be able to submit questions in video form. The aim is to create a 2-way dialogue between voters and candidates. The same technology will be used at the Republican candidates’ debate SEPTEMBER 17th. (We’re betting more viewers will watch a cat lip-synching Pussycat Dolls tunes.)
– “GQ”

Professor Martin Rees of the UK’s University of Cambridge has written a new book called “Our Final Century” in which he declares that humanity only has a 50/50 chance of making it through the 21st century without experiencing utter devastation. Among his possibilities for the end of the world as we know it: Earth hit by an asteroid or comet, Earth swallowed by a man-made black hole, global warming, a worldwide pandemic, robots taking over the world, a gamma ray burst from a distant star, nuclear holocaust, and overpopulation. (This leaves us in a real quandary – should we bother paying next month’s rent or not?)
– “Curious Times”

A team led by University of Alberta computer scientist Jonathan Schaeffer has created a computer program called ‘Chinook’ that can win or draw any game of checkers no matter who the opponent is. It took a network of 50 computers some 18 years to sift through about 500 billion-billion possibilities and come up with the solution. Schaeffer, who admits he’s awful at the game, began his attempts to solve it in 1989. Chinook can now perfectly play every game to a win or a draw. Up next – poker. THIS WEEK the team’s poker-playing computer program ‘Polaris’ takes on a pair of poker pros in a $50,000 game at a conference in Vancouver. (Next month – hopscotch!)
– “Science”

With its access to China’s 1.3 billion gambling-mad population, the entertainment hub of Macau has now beaten Las Vegas at its own game. The former Portuguese protectorate, returned to China in 1999, has now overtaken Vegas in annual gaming revenues. New stats show Macau made $7.2 billion from gambling in 2006 while Las Vegas took in $6.6 billion. (What happens in Vegas … happens more often in Macau.)


1940 [67] Don Imus, Riverside CA, former syndicated radio personality/Radio Hall of Fame (1989)

1961 [46] Woody Harrelson, Midland TX, movie actor (“Anger Management”, “White Men Can’t Jump”)/former TV actor (1989 Emmy Award-“Cheers”)

1965 [42] Slash (Saul Hudson), Stoke-on-Trent UK, rock guitarist (Velvet Revolver-“She Builds Quick Machines”, ex-Guns N’ Roses-“November Rain”)

1967 [40] Philip Seymour Hoffman, Fairport NY, movie actor (“Mission: Impossible III”, 2006 Academy Award-“Capote”)

1971 [36] Alison Krauss, Decatur IL, country/bluegrass musician/singer/songwriter/producer (“The Little Girl”, “Buy Me a Rose”) with a record 20 Grammy Awards, more than any other female artist

1972 [35] Marlon Wayans, NYC, comedic movie actor (“Norbit”, “Little Man”)/brother of Dwayne, Keenen Ivory, Damon, Kim, Nadia, and Shawn Wayans

1973 [34] Omar Epps, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (‘Dr Eric Foreman’ on “House” since 2004)

1980 [27] Michelle Williams, Rockford IL, pop singer (ex-Destiny’s Child-“Survivor”)/Broadway actress (“The Color Purple”)

1989 [18] Daniel Radcliffe, London UK, movie actor (‘Harry’ in the “Harry Potter” movies) FACTOID: TODAY he gains access to the estimated $40-million fortune he’s accrued through acting and merchandising. Party time!

• “Gorgeous Grandma Day”, either honoring every kid’s favorite spoiler … or some sort of weird fetish that we won’t get into.

• “Hot Dog Day”, celebrating one of the favorite treats of summer. Hey what else are they gonna do with all the leftover ears, lips, eyelids and hooves down at the abattoir?

• “Hot Enough For Ya? Day”, when it should be legal to assault anyone who asks you the overused, plain-as-the-end-of-your-sweat-dripping-nose question. 4 years ago in Phoenix AZ it was so hot a woman who fainted face-down on the pavement was rushed to hospital and treated … for burns. Now THAT’S hot!

• “Leo the Lion” astrology sign begins (through AUGUST 22nd). Leos are said to be warm of spirit, eager for action, and driven by a desire to be loved. (They also cough up hairballs.)

1999 [08] 3-day “Woodstock ‘99” festival, marking the 30th anniversary of the original, kicks off at an old military base in Rome NY and later ends in a melee of flames & vandalism (Canadian performers include Our Lady Peace, Tragically Hip, Alanis Morissette)
(performers include Red Hot Chili Peppers, James Brown, Counting Crows, Creed, Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock, Jewel, and Dave Matthews Band)

776 BC [2783] 1st ‘Olympics’ in Greece consists of a single 200-meter race … by naked runners

1904 [103] According to some accounts, the first ‘Ice Cream Cone’ is created when Charles Menches runs out of cups at the “St Louis Exposition” and uses rolled-up waffles from another vendor

1982 [25] Introduction of ‘Diet Coke’

[Tues] Cousins Day
[Tues] Virtual Love Day
[Thurs] All or Nothing Day
[Thurs] Aunt & Uncle Day
[Thurs-Sat] “Just For Laughs Toronto”
This Week Is … Animal Agriculture Week
This Month Is … Women’s Motorcycle Month


Have a crew member/guest/phone caller attempt to finish the following famous movie lines …
• “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not … [in Kansas anymore!”] – Judy Garland in “The Wizard of Oz”.
• “Here’s looking at … [you, kid.”] – Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca”.
• “I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like … [victory.”] – Robert Duvall in “Apocalypse Now”.
• “Frankly, my dear, I don’t … [give a damn!”] – Clark Gable in “Gone With the Wind”.
• “I’m the king of the … [world!”] – Leonardo DiCaprio in “Titanic”.
• “I’ll make him an offer he … [can’t refuse.”] – Al Pacino in “The Godfather”.
• “It’s not the men in my life that counts, it’s the … [life in my men.] – Mae West in “I’m No Angel”.
• “You definitely need some Tic Tacs or something ’cause … [your breath stinks!”] – Eddie Murphy in “Shrek”.
• “I didn’t say it would be easy, Neo. I just said it would be … [the truth.”] – Laurence Fishburne in “The Matrix”.
• “Go ahead, make my … [day.”] – Clint Eastwood in “Sudden Impact”.

Stoners don’t hold grudges. They can’t remember them.

Today’s Question: Studies show the more of THESE you have, the greater distress and more illness you’ll experience.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Secrets.

Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.

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