Monday, July 2, 2007        Edition: #3565
Get a Load of This Sheet!

• Britney Spears’ estranged hubby, Kevin Federline, is reportedly refusing to sign off on divorce papers because he’s concerned for the well-being of their 2 kids amid reports she’s again been making the nightlife scene. His refusal is not about money, insiders say, it’s about her constant partying. (And maybe lack of underwear.)
– “E! News”
• 24-year-old actress Cameron Diaz has been named as the ‘other woman’ in divorce papers served to 39-year-old celeb magician Criss Angel by his estranged wife Joanne Sarantakos. The split comes just a month after Angel denied a relationship with Diaz in spite of them being spotted out on the town in Las Vegas. Angel first shot to fame in the Broadway show “Mindfreak” and has just signed a $200-million deal for an ongoing casino show in Vegas. (Thus explaining how he might end up with a babe like Diaz.)
– Contact Music
• SATURDAY “Desperate Housewives” actress Eva Longoria & her NBA star fiancé Tony Parker enjoyed a ‘his-and-hers’ bachelor party in Saint-Tropez, France a week before their big wedding in Paris. The bash was held at the exclusive VIP Room nightclub where Eva’s friends took over half the room and Tony’s (including singer/actor Jamie Foxx) the other. The evening’s entertainment included performances by hip-hop artists Cut Killer and MC Big Ali from NYC.
– “People”
• How hot is Apple’s new iPhone? Stars who are accustomed to receiving the latest hot gadget in the hope that they’ll be photographed with it, simply aren’t getting any freebies … period. Famed publicist Liz Rosenberg says she’s been unsuccessful in trying to secure iPhones for her clients, which include the likes of Madonna, Liza Minnelli, and Cher.
– “LA Times”
• Jessica Simpson’s new movie, “Blonde Ambition”, has now had its release date pushed back … twice. Buzz has it the reason is because it’s so bad. Insiders say Jessica wasn’t focused on-set and often flubbed her lines. It seems she always had her dog around, was on the phone with then-boyfriend John Mayer, or was sitting in a warmed-up SUV. The film is now set to come out the last week of AUGUST. (About a minute before it’s released on DVD.)
– “NY Daily News”
• They were together at YESTERDAY’s “Concert for Diana” in London and now the word is out that Prince William’s romance with gf Kate Middleton was ON again just 4 days after they split. It seems Prince Charles’ & the late Prince Diana’s #1 son has been secretly seeing Kate since the break-up was revealed in the middle of APRIL. In fact, the couple kissed and made up just hours after the world learned their 4-year relationship was supposedly over … but they kept it quiet so they could enjoy time together away from the limelight. (Just an interesting anecdote here … but the Brits are breathless!)
– “News of the World”

• Alan Jackson/Gretchen Wilson – They performed in Oahu, Hawaii over the weekend as part of Kaneohe Bayfest, a festival to boost morale among US military families.
• Arctic Monkeys – TONIGHT the Brit rockers are on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).
• Billy Currington – The “Tangled Up” singer has had to cancel a series of summer concerts due to a severe case of laryngitis. Doctors have placed him on voice rest until the end of JULY.
• The Bravery – TONIGHT they guest on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC). Their track “Believe” will be featured on the “Madden NFL 08” video game.
• Kings Of Leon – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Linkin Park – 28-year-old federal government employee Devon Townsend has pleaded guilty in New Mexico to stalking & unlawful access to stored communications after admitting she used workplace computers to access the e-mail account of frontman Chester Bennington as well as hacking into his cellphone provider’s website to access info about him and his wife. Townsend faces up to 5 years in prison and $250,000 in fines on each count.

“Transformers” ( PG-13 Action Adventure ): Stealing a page from “Pirates of the Caribbean”, a special 8 pm local time release is scheduled across the country for this  live-action adaptation of the ’80s cartoon show about duelling groups of robots – the heroic ‘Autobots’ and the evil ‘Decepticons’ – with the power to transform into cars, jets, helicopters, motorcycles, etc. Stars Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson and a bunch of really big machines.

“Tarzan’s” best bud is still alive! ‘Jiggs’ the chimp was captured in Africa and brought to Hollywood where he became the legendary ‘Cheeta’, starring in 12 “Tarzan” movies in the ‘30s and ‘40s, before retiring in 1967 after making “Dr Doolittle”. Like many of his Hollywood contemporaries, he loved nothing better than relaxing away from the film set with cold beer and cigars. Now aged 75 he lives in a California animal sanctuary, and is officially the ‘World’s Oldest Chimpanzee’.
– PopBitch

Just got yourself a BSc did you? Congratulations, here are some of the careers you may now be qualified for …
5. Whale-Feces Researcher – A crappy job, literally.
4. Forensic Entomologist – Solving murders by studying the maggots which infest dead people.
3. Olympic Drug Tester – Watching grown people pee for a living.
2. Elephant Vasectomist – Pass the vice-grips please.
1. Hazmat Diver – Swimming through the most toxic filth on the planet including sewer systems, nuclear reactors, and oil spills … and then cleaning them up.
– “Popular Science”

The very word ‘infant’ means ‘unable to speak’. That’s why babies are forced to communicate by crying. Most babies spend as much as 50 minutes a day exercising their lungs. Some even more. Mothers will not be surprised to hear that studies have shown a link between babies who continually cry and mothers who suffer from postnatal depression.
– “Weekend Telegraph”

• Under new legislation in Scotland, kilt wearers could face prosecution if they do not have a licence for their ‘sporran’, that large pouch worn suspended from a belt in front. The law is designed to protect endangered species such as badgers and otters, whose fur used to be favored by sporran makers. The new rules, designed to bring Scotland into line with other European countries, will also cover fishing flies made from animal hair. (What about Sean Connery’s backhair?)
• Authorities in New Zealand have blocked a couple’s bid to officially name their new son ‘4real’, saying that numerals are not allowed. Pat & Sheena Wheaton say they decided on the name shortly after seeing their baby for the first time as a fetus during an ultrasound exam and being struck by the reality of his impending arrival. (A local judge says to ‘4get it’.)
• A couple in Staffordshire, England have now married each other … 3 times! Steve & Tina Potter, sweethearts since they met at 14, first wed in 1978. After 3 years and 2 kids, they split up. Then they fell for each other again and remarried in 1984. But after 9 years and 1 more child, the marriage broke down and they divorced in 1993. They were reunited at a family wedding in 1997 and remarried again in 2007. (Hey, 6th time’s a charm!)

Shark attacks get far more press coverage but more people visiting beaches have died in recent years from falling into holes dug for … sandcastles. That’s right, some 16 people have recently had the life sucked out of them due to lethal encounters with hazardous sandcastles. That’s why, on some beaches, lifeguards are now warning kids not to dig holes that are too deep. (“Just a minute there, junior. Before you go any further I need to measure your moat.”)
– “New England Journal of Medicine”

A new Communications Workers of America survey on high-speed Internet access around-the-world finds the USA ranks a distant 6th with a median speed of 1.97 megabits per second (mbps). The top 5 countries for surfing speed …
5. Canada (7.6)
4. Sweden (18.2)
3. Finland (21.7)
2. South Korea (45.6)
1. Japan (61 mbps)
– “Los Angeles Times”

Psychologists says our need to create elbow room, basically a personal ‘no-go’ zone around our bodies, is governed by some interesting rules. 18 inches is intimate, 4 feet is reserved for good friends, and anything farther is for mere acquaintances and strangers. Adults are more tolerant of invasions into personal space from people close to their own age than from those older or younger. On sidewalks, pedestrians allow beautiful women more room to get close than average-looking women. Couples get more leniency as well. It seems attractiveness and numbers are perceived as forms of power and domination. (As well as a big guy with a knife.)
– “Psychology Today”

• Cats groom themselves with their tongues right after eating. If they don’t do this, or do it only briefly, they might not have liked the food. (There are cats that DO like it?)
– McClatchy-Tribune News Service
• A dog’s intelligence is estimated to be equivalent only to that of a 14-month-old child. (No wonder they drool and whine.)
– “Sunday Telegraph”

“If there was one, then there wouldn’t be enough doctors to support it.”
– Former Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant shooting down rumors of a reunion tour, adding that he hadn’t heard anything about the idea before it recently received media coverage.


1947 [60] Larry David, Brooklyn NY, TV actor/director (“Curb Your Enthusiasm” since 2000)/TV producer/writer (co-creator of “Seinfeld” 1990-98)

1956 [51] Jerry Hall, Gonzalez TX, sometime model/sometime actress/long-suffering ex-Mrs Mick Jagger

1983 [24] Michelle Branch, Flagstaff AZ, country singer (The Wreckers-“Leave the Pieces”)/pop singer (w/Santana-“The Game of Love”)

1985 [22] Ashley Tisdale, West Deal NJ, TV actress (‘Sharpay Evans’ in “High School Musical”)

1986 [21] Lindsay Lohan, NYC, party girl in rehab/movie actress (“Georgia Rule”, “Mean Girls”)
FACTOID: Her mother Dina says she & Lindsay’s kid sisters are planning to mark Lindsay’s birthday with a quiet get-together away from the Promises rehab center. How ironic, she’s finally legal to drink in California … and she’s stopped.

• “Be Nice to People You Don’t Like Day”. Just for one day … then tomorrow you can go back to being the grouchy old boor you usually are.

• “Caricom Day” (aka “Caribbean Day”), a national day of celebration in many of the island nations of the Caribbean.

• “Halfway Point of 2007”. At 12 noon, 182.5 days of the year will have elapsed and 182.5 will remain before January 1, 2008.

• “I Forgot Day”, set aside to make up for all the birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions that you forgot to acknowledge over the past year. (What’s the lamest excuse anyone ever laid on you?)

1958 [49] Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space” premieres, the movie many call worst of all-time

1985 [22] Microsoft releases the 1st version of “Windows” but few computers are powerful enough to run it

1982 [25] Using a lawn chair hoisted by 42 helium-filled weather balloons, Larry Walters slowly rises 16,000 ft over San Pedro CA

2005 [02] Paul McCartney & Bono’s performance of “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” at “Live 8” sets Guinness World Record for ‘Fastest Concert Recording to Digital Download’, becoming available online just 44 minutes, 39 seconds after it’s performed live

[Tues] Compliment Your Mirror Day
[Tues] Dog Days of Summer Begin
[Tues] Stay Out of the Sun Day
[Tues] “License to Wed” opens in movie theaters
[Tues-Aug 15] Air Conditioning Appreciation Days
[Wed] US Independence Day (no “BS” service)

Be Nice To New Jersey Week / Canned Luncheon Meat Week / Character Counts Week / Freedom From Fear of Speaking Week / Music For Life Week / Nude Recreation Week / Pleasure Week / Special Recreation Week / Unassisted Home Birth Week


According to a preference poll, these are the condiments most of us place on a patty …
5. Mayonnaise (34%)
4. Cheese (40%)
3. [TIE] Onion/Mustard (51%)
2. Bacon (64%)
1. Tomato (70%)
– Sterling Silver Premium Meats

• When giving a gift in Japan, which hand should you present it with?
a. Right.
b. Left.
c. Both. [CORRECT. It’s viewed as a gesture of respect & humility.]

• According to a new study, how long does it take the average 20-something guy to become fully aroused?
a. A heartbeat.
b. 10 seconds. [CORRECT]
c. 10 minutes.

• What’s the most reproduced photograph in history?
a. The one of US Marines raising the flag at Iwo Jima. [CORRECT]
b. Marilyn Monroe’s skirt-lifting subway-vent ‘accident’.
c. The ‘Blue Marble’ photo of Earth from space taken by the crew of the Apollo 17 spacecraft.

Sometimes opportunity knocks when you’re just too damn tired to answer the door.

Today’s Question: In the past decade, there’s been a 15% decrease in the number of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Public telephones.

If you’re happy … don’t ask questions.

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