Monday, July 11, 2011       Edition: #4546

Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Buzz has it the most recent illegitimate child fathered by newlywed Prince Albert of Monaco is a 3-month-old boy via a Moroccan waitress who lives and works in Nice, France. And what is one of the special dishes at the restaurant where she works? ‘Couscous Prince Albert’.
– PopBitch.com
• Blake Lively, Chris Evans, David Beckham, Jennifer Lopez, Kristin Chenoweth, Nicole Kidman, and Tom Hanks are among the stars who turned out to greet Prince William & Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge at a British Academy of Film & Television Arts (BAFTA) party in Los Angeles on Saturday night. The ‘Brits to Watch’ bash honored little-known, up-and-coming entertainers from the UK.
– WENN.com
• Rumors that Oprah Winfrey will host the 84th annual “Academy Awards” in February are being refuted by Tom Sherak, president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. Sherak says he hasn’t even chosen a producer for the telecast yet and it’s the eventual producer who’ll come to the Academy with suggestions for the host.
– “Hollywood Reporter”
• Former addicts Marlee Matlin, Stevie Nicks, and Steven Tyler are among those who’ve paid tribute to former US First Lady and rehab pioneer Betty Ford, who died Friday at age 93. Ford, who battled breast cancer, prescription drug addiction, and alcoholism during her life, went on to set up the Betty Ford Center in Palm Springs CA, which has become a sanctuary for celebs battling addictions
– ContactMusic.com
• Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and reigning “Dancing With The Stars” champ Hines Ward was arrested in Dekalb County GA Saturday on suspicion of DUI. He was eventually released on $1,000 bail. His rep says Ward apologizes to fans and the Steelers organization for this distraction but is confident that the facts will show he was NOT impaired by alcohol.
– “Los Angeles Times”

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Jessie & The Toy Boys (“Push It Featuring Yelawolf: The Remixes”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Sara Bareilles (“Kaleidoscope Heart”).
• “Gayle King” (OWN) – Lady Gaga (“Born This Way”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Jill Scott (“The Light Of the Sun”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Alberta Cross (“Broken Side of Time”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Kid Rock (“Born Free”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Incubus (“If Not Now, When?”, out tomorrow) also perform on the “Live On Letterman” webcast after the show taping (screened on the CBS-TV JumboTron in NYC’s Times Square).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Barry Manilow (“15 Minutes”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Joss Stone (“LP1”, out July 26th).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – Steven Tyler is still in negotiations but looks likely to return alongside Randy Jackson for season 11 of “American Idol” (FOX). Fellow judge Jennifer Lopez says she’s ‘on the fence’ as to whether to come back or not for another season.
• Carrie Underwood – She doesn’t but her husband does … use Twitter. NHL player Mike Fisher (Nashville Predators) tweets both comments on their personal life and candid pics on his official Twitter page (@mikefisher1212).
• Jason Aldean – He’s performing a special on-field show prior to tonight’s “MLB All-Star Home Run Derby” (ESPN). He also participated in yesterday’s “Legends & Celebrity Softball Game”, which is being aired after tonight’s HR contest. The “82nd MLB All-Star Game” is tomorrow night.
• Katy Perry – She was forced to postpone 2 weekend shows (Chicago IL, St Paul MN) due to ‘an attack of food poisoning leading to severe dehydration’, according to her website.
• Monica – After secretly wedding last year, the “Boy is Mine” hit-maker & her NBA player-hubby Shannon Brown (Los Angeles Lakers) did a do-over at an LA cathedral on Saturday in order to celebrate with friends & family.
• Rihanna – Her Dallas TX “Loud” tour concert was cut short Friday night after a lighting rig caught fire mid-way through. Security evacuated the American Airlines Arena as sparks were raining down on the stage. Rihanna has promised to finish the show at a later date.

LIFE BY THE NUMBERS:
A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 70% of newlyweds say they have ‘fooled around’ while driving.
• 56% of guys say they don’t like it when a woman wears ‘big sunglasses’.
• 51% of women talk in their sleep.
• 33% of pet owners turn on the radio or TV to keep their pets company before they go out.
• 26% of us think a 6-foot buffer zone is an acceptable distance from others on the beach.
• 14% of guys say their favorite secret summer pleasure is skinny-dipping.

HIT & MISS:
One reason the online advertising industry hasn’t been able to catch up to offline advertising – despite how much time consumers spend online these days – is that web users aren’t clicking on banner ads. A company called Solve Media has put together some stats showing just how rare  clicks on banner ads actually are. Among its claims … you’re more likely to survive a plane crash or win the lottery than click on a banner ad. (Are we so conditioned to the borders of a web page being junked up that we’ve developed virtual blinders?)
– BusinessInsider.com

LEAST SEXY CELLPHONE ACCESSORIES:
According to a new survey of singles …
• Annoying or obnoxious ringtone (49%).
• Bluetooth headset (26%).
• Cellphone belt clip (17%).
• Ugly faceplate (8%).
– Yahoo! News

HEIFER SO LONELY:
Cows have best friends and become stressed if they are separated, according to Northampton University researcher Krista McLennan. She made that discovery by measuring heart rates and cortisol levels of cows penned for a half-hour on their own, with their best friend, and with another cow they did not know. The research shows cows are least stressed when penned with close friends from their herd, a finding that could help improve milk yields. (Next we’ll be hearing that cow’s gossip with their best friends … “Did you hear about Bossy?”)
– “Mail Online”

WHENCE ‘REDNECK’?
Three theories on the origin of the term …
• Scottish Presbyterians who signed anti-Anglican proclamations in their own blood wore red scarves to signal their beliefs in the 1700s.
• Appalachian coal miners that fought for the right to unionize are said to have worn red neckwear.
• Poor white Southerners who got sunburns on their necks working long days in the fields.
– TheToiletPaper.com

DOG DEFINITION:
The state of California has drawn up a legal definition for … hot dog. A ‘hot dog’, according to the legislation, means ‘a whole, cured, cooked sausage that is skinless or stuffed in a casing, may be served on a bun or roll’. The law goes on to state that hot dogs are also know as ‘bologna, frank, frankfurter, garlic bologna, knockwurst, red hot, Vienna, or wiener’. It is thought a definition is needed in order to distinguish between pre-cooked ‘hot dogs’ and uncooked meat sausages. (What we really need is a listing of what exactly is in a hot dog.)
– DailyMail.co.uk

BABY BREATH:
Women who want the best chance of having a baby should make sure they floss their teeth regularly, say doctors. Poor oral health is as bad for fertility as obesity, delaying conception by about 2 months. Experts at a fertility meeting in Sweden have heard how women with gum disease can take over 7 months to conceive, compared to the usual 5. They believe the underlying cause is inflammation. (No no no … it’s just that when you have horrific breath, no [sober] guy is gonna come near you!)
– BBC News

DID YOU KNOW?
Russia plans to send the Olympic torch into space ahead of the “2014 Winter Games” in Sochi, making it the first host country to take the torch beyond Earth’s atmosphere.
– “Globe & Mail”

BS CHRONOMETER 07.11.11


TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [77] Giorgio Armani, Piacenza, Italy, fashion designer

1959 [52] Richie Sambora, Perth Amboy NJ, rock guitarist (Bon Jovi-“Who Says You Can’t Go Home”, “It’s My Life”)/ex-Mr Heather Locklear (1994-2007)/rehab grad

1965 [46] Scott Shriner, Toledo OH, rock bassist (Weezer-“I Want You Too”, “Perfect Situation”)

1970 [41] Justin Chambers, Springfield OH, TV actor (‘Dr Alex Karev’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” since 2005)

1976 [35] Ben Gibbard, Bremerton WA, rock singer (“Death Cab For Cutie-“You Are a Tourist”, “Soul Meets Body”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Blueberry Muffin Day”, celebrating the morning snack that turns your teeth blue.

• “Cheer Up the Lonely Day”, an opportunity to make a lonely person happy by spending some time with them. Hey, it’s a good day to give [co-host] a call!

• “Drummer Appreciation Day”, a day to honor those who add so much to the rhythm of life.

• “Gruntled Workers Day” (as opposed to Disgruntled Workers Day, which is commemorated on the other 365 days of the year).

• “International Town Criers Day”, honoring the news announcers of yesteryear who wandered throughout towns proclaiming the latest events & announcements of importance … even the weather. The practice has come back into vogue in recent years as a ceremonial bit of theater for special events.

• “Pet Photo Day”, a day to pose your little darlin’ and snap off a few JPEGs. And don’t forget to further humiliate the critter by decking it out in a dress and funny hat. And be sure to Photoshop the result and add the torso of a platypus.

• “World Population Day”, declared by the UN as a day to focus on the problems of overpopulation. About 150 people are born each minute or close to a quarter-million people daily. World population crossed the 5-billion mark on this day in 1987; the 6-billion mark in 1999; and is expected to hit 7 billion by 2013.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1999 [12] Gross-out comedy “American Pie” tops the movie box office, eventually spawning 2 movie sequels and 4 straight-to-DVD follow-ups (yet another sequel, “American Reunion” is coming April 6, 2012)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1994 [17] Michael Jackson’s spokesperson publicly denies rampant rumors that the singer has married Lisa Marie Presley (which he in fact has)

1996 [15] Dance craze hit “La Macarena” by Los Del Rio is certified Platinum for sales of 1 million units

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1946 [65] 1st ‘7-Eleven’ convenience stores open (Oak Cliff TX), originally named for the store hours – 7 am to 11 pm – and never changed when they went to 24 hours (now owned by a publicly-traded Japanese conglomerate)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1919 [92] A golfer is said to have played 180 holes in a single day

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Pecan Pie Day
[Tues] Different Colored Eyes Day
[Wed] Embrace Your Geekness Day
[Wed] Gruntled Workers Day
[Thurs] Primetime Emmy Awards nominations announced

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Farriers Week / Parenting Gifted Children Week / Sports Cliché Week / Ventriloquism Week

BULL’S BITS


BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
TRANSLATING A POLICE OFFICER’S REPORT:
• “While on routine patrol …”  (I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.)
• “The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.” (It was raining.)
• “I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding.” (He/she was good-looking, owned a liquor store, and was free after my shift was over.)
• “Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions beyond my control.” (Tonight is my bowling night.)
– First published in “BS” 1997
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Juan & Amal are identical twins that are the spitting image of one another. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

BS PHONE STARTER:
This week is “Sports Cliché Week”. What’s the worst ever? According to a recent fan poll, these are the most overused  …
– “We’re taking them one at a time.”
– “He’s giving 110 per cent.”
– “This is as big as it gets.”
– “It is what it is.”

BS TAGLINE TITLES:
We tell you a famous movie tagline, you tell us the name of the movie …
• “He is afraid. He is alone. He is 3 million light years from home.” (“ET”)
• “She brought a small town to its feet and a huge corporation to its knees.” (“Erin Brockovich”)
• “Protecting the Earth from the scum of the universe!” (“Men in Black”)
• “There are 3.7 trillion fish in the ocean. They’re looking for one.” (“Finding Nemo”)
• “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away …”  (“Star Wars”)
• “Who you gonna call?” (“Ghostbusters”)
• “They’re back!” (“Poltergeist II: The Other Side”)
• “One man’s struggle to take it easy.” (“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”)
• “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water …” (“Jaws 2”)
• “It all ends 7.15” (“Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 2”, opening Friday, July 15th)
– QMI Agency

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average woman now spends 17 minutes a day doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Texting.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A friend in need is a pest indeed.


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