Monday, July 11, 2016 – Edition: #5771

Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

★ A scene in which Christoph Waltz’s character Rom kisses Alexander Skarsgard in “The Legend of Tarzan” was removed from the final film for being ‘too clever and overworked”, according to director David Yates. He says that test audiences were left ‘perplexed’ by the kiss, which happened while ‘Tarzan’ was unconscious. The filmmaker also confirms editing some of the more ‘primal’ sex scenes between Skarsgard and co-star Margot Robbie (‘Jane’) .
– “The Times”
★ Actor Samuel L Jackson’s new TV series is going to take stars back to their hometowns. Jackson and his wife LaTanya are teaming up with FreemantleMedia (“American Idol” originator) for a new unscripted series in which they follow celebrities back to their childhood homes. The as-of-yet untitled show will feature various famous folks showing viewers around their hometown, discussing how their childhood helped form who they are today. It’s not clear so far if Jackson will host the show himself and a network has yet to be attached.
★ Jay Z and Beyonce had a couple of the best seats in the house for Serena Williams’ record-tying weekend win at Wimbledon. Williams took down Angelique Kerber on the grass Saturday to win her 22nd Grand Slam singles title, thereby tying Steffi Graf for most all-time. Jay and Bey were in good company, sitting with Venus Williams and the rest of Serena’s family. Serena and Beyoncé are known to be tight – with Williams recently appearing in the singer’s “Lemonade” video. Ellen DeGeneres, Portia DiRossi, and Natatlie Portman were there too.

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – M Ward (“More Rain”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Brett Eldredge (“Illinois”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Melanie Martinez (“Cry Baby”). Rerun.
• “Just for Laughs Starring Howie Mandel” (CW) – Filmed at last year’s “Just for Laughs Festival” in Montréal QC, a 90-minute special featuring some of the best stand-up comedians working today. Howie hosts another gala at this year’s festival, later this month.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Unknown Mortal Orchestra (“Multi-Love”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/M3) – Transviolet (“Transviolet”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Gnash (“me”).
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – Hollywood Vampires (Alice Cooper, Joe Perry, Johnny Depp); Young Greatness (“I Tried to Tell ‘Em”).
• “MLB All-Star Home Run Derby” (ESPN) – Baseball’s top sluggers are put to the test as they compete in the 2016 long-ball contest in San Diego CA. Fall Out Boy performs on-field prior to the competition. The All-Star Game itself is tomorrow night.
• “The Making of the Mob: Chicago” (AMC) – Season 2 debut. After Season 1 concentrated on NYC, this 8-episode docu-drama focuses on the rise and fall of iconic gangster Al Capone, as well as the story of his successors, collectively known as the Chicago Outfit.
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – After making it through the auditions and the grueling academy, the top 10 dancers perform.
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Shawn Mendes (“Illuminate”, coming in September.)
• “VH1 Hip Hop Honors” (VH1) – This special event is returning after a 6-year hiatus to celebrate female trailblazers in hip hop: Lil Kim, Missy Elliott, Queen Latifah, and Salt-N-Pepa. Among those paying tribute: Common, Eve, Fat Joe, Keyshia Cole, Nelly Furtado, Pharrell, Remy Ma, and Timbaland.

• Ariana Grande – She has been added to the cast of NBC-TV’s “Hairspray Live!” musical, set to air on December 7th. The singer/actress has tweeted that she will be playing ‘Penny Pingleton’, best friend of main character ‘Tracy Turnblad’.
• Drake – “One Dance” has just hit 13 consecutive weeks at #1 in the UK. Only Wet Wet Wet (“Love Is All Around” 15 weeks) and Bryan Adams (“I Do It for You” 16 weeks) are left to beat.
• Fergie – Quote: “Changing the [MILF] acronym to ‘Moms I’d Like To Follow’ is about empowering women who do it all.” Ya think?
• Florida Georgia Line – They’ve teased on social media that they’re launching (or at least endorsing) a new bourbon called ‘Old Camp Whiskey’. It’s being released in August.
• Keith Urban’s “Wasted Time” is expected to top tomorrow’s new ‘Billboard Country Airplay’ chart for the 2nd straight week.
• Kenny Chesney – His new album “Some Town, Somewhere” was slated to come out Friday, but has been delayed until October 28th. It’s also getting a name change to “Cosmic Hallejuah”. Chesney says extra time is needed so his new duet with P!nk, “Setting the World On Fire”, can also be included.
• Led Zeppelin – Their publishers Warner/Chappell are demanding almost $800,000 in legal fees from the man who took them to court over “Stairway to Heaven”. Last month Michael Skidmore lost his case claiming the song was stolen from Spirit’s “Taurus”. A hearing has been scheduled for August 8th.

A sampling of tongue-in-cheek ‘animal facts’ recently posted by a prankster at the Los Angeles Zoo …
• “Flamingoes are monogamous, except for Phillip … that cheating bastard.”
• “Penguins appear to wear tuxedos because they are slowly evolving into 1920s business tycoons. In 30 years, they’ll have monocles. In 60, disdain for the poor.”
• “Meerkats can control electronics with their minds, If your phone rings, do not answer. It’s one of our meerkats asking for help to escape … and they are very persuasive.”
• “The Southern Crested Screamer can see ghosts. That’s why it screams.”
• “All barn owls think that one line in the ‘Friends’ theme song is ‘Owl be there for you …’.”
• “Gibbons love soup. If you leave a pot of soup outside, a gibbon will inevitably jump inside to bathe and repeatedly shout ‘eee EEE eee’.”
• “If you don’t see our bear in his pen, it means HE’S ESCAPED. OMG, he’s right behind you! Don’t turn around, just run!”
(Comedian Jeff Wysaski, who also goes by ‘Obvious Plant’, has pulled this fake sign stunt previously in an IKEA store.)
– Adapted from

Today the jockstrap that protected the manhood of boxing legend Joe Frazier 45 years ago when he beat Muhammad Ali hits the auction block. The jock dates back to what’s known as ‘Ali-Frazier 1’ in 1971, touted at the time as ‘The Fight Of the Century’. After the fight Frazier generously gave the used equipment to his buddy, who held onto it (not literally) for almost 40 years before selling it to a memorabilia dealer in 2009. Today’s starting bid at is $5,000. Best part about the item? It’s never been washed! (Ew, happy bidding.)

• You flossed right before your appointment … and that’s the only time. The gums of people who only floss right before a visit are often bleeding or look damaged.
• You bite your nails. Signs include chips and cracking of your teeth, plus wear and tear from the constant stress on them.
• You have reflux, bronchitis, or kidney failure. Dentists are trained to identify ‘fruity’ and ‘fishy’ smells, which can be a sign of numerous maladies.
• You have a sinus infection. The roots of your top teeth are positioned in the same area as the floor of the sinuses. Both sinus infections and toothaches can show symptoms of pressure.
• You have a vitamin deficiency. That can lead to burning tongue syndrome, tissue sloughing off, increased infections, delayed healing, and easy-to-bleed gums.
• You have diabetes. Imbalances in sugar often lead to a rapid change in the health of your gums, including increased swelling, bleeding, and sensitivity.
• You have oral cancer. The first signs can include unexplained bleeding; white, red, or speckled patches; and swelling, thickening, lumps, or eroded areas.
• You love soft drinks. Teeth can be softened by sodas and other sugary beverages as well as more acidic energy drinks, both of which can make teeth more susceptible to chipping.
– Adapted from

Scientists at McGill University Auditory Sciences Laboratory in Montréal QC apparently in desperate need of a research topic have a tip for concert-goers … don’t drink coffee right afterward. Based on their new study, it could hurt your hearing. They’ve found that exposure to loud auditory stimuli coupled with consumption of 25 mg of caffeine has a clear negative impact on hearing recovery. OK, so don’t stop at a café after a concert. But those working in industries like aviation, mining, construction, and manufacturing could be doing a lot of damage to their ears without even knowing it. What’s called ‘auditory temporary threshold shift’ is usually reversible within 72 hours of exposure but if symptoms persist, the damage could become permanent. (Studio headphones and morning coffee … oh oh.)

• Earthworms have 5 hearts.
• Lizards can’t walk and breathe at the same time.
• The water in the mouth of a blue whale weighs more than its body.
– “Quite Interesting Facts”


1934 [82] Giorgio Armani, Piacenza, Italy, fashion designer with a personal fortune circa $8.5 billion

1959 [57] Richie Sambora, Perth Amboy NJ, rock guitarist (estranged from Bon Jovi-“It’s My Life”)/rehab grad

1965 [51] Scott Shriner, Toledo OH, rock bassist (Weezer-“I Want You Too”, “Perfect Situation”)

1970 [46] Justin Chambers, Springfield OH, TV actor (‘Dr Alex Karev’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” since 2005)

• “Blueberry Muffin Day”, celebrating the only morning snack we can think of that turns your teeth blue.

• “Cheer Up the Lonely Day”, an opportunity to make a lonely person happy by spending time with them. (It’s a good day to give [co-host] a call!)

• “International Town Criers Day”, honoring the news announcers of yesteryear who wandered throughout towns proclaiming the latest events and announcements of importance, even the weather. The practice has come back into vogue in recent years, but more as ceremonial bit of theater for special events.

• “Mojito Day”, an annual salute to the traditional Cuban cocktail consisting of white rum, sugar, lime juice, sparkling water, and mint. This refreshing highball has found particular popularity in the summertime. (Especially if you like leaves in your drink.)

• “Pet Photo Day”, a day to pose your little darlin’ and snap off a few JPEGs. (And don’t forget to further humiliate the critter by decking it out in a dress and funny hat. And be sure to Photoshop the result and add the torso of a platypus.)

• “Slurpee Day”, honoring the signature frozen beverage that 7-Eleven convenience stores began selling in 1967. The 1st 7-Eleven franchise stores opened 52 years ago (1964).

• “Swimming Pool Day”, although we think every hot Summer day should be swimming pool day. It’s a lot fewer headaches to have a friend or neighbor with a pool than owning your own.

• “World Population Day”, declared by the UN as a day to focus on the problems of overpopulation. About 150 people are born each minute. World population crossed the 5-billion mark on this day in 1987. We reached the 6-billion mark sometime in 1999 and 7-billion in 2011. According to current projections, the global population will reach 8 billion by 2024

2007 [09] “Harry Potter & The Order Of the Phoenix” opens in movie theaters (goes on to make $940 million in worldwide box office)

2014 [02] Former Miami Heat player LeBron James returns to the Cleveland Cavaliers (and wins the 2016 NBA Championship)

2002 [14] Some 200 mourners attend the funeral of John Entwistle in Gloucestershire, England, the longtime bassist for The Who having died of an overdose in Las Vegas NV

2009 [07] Black Eyes Peas single “I Gotta Feeling” begins a 14-week run at #1, ending the 12-week run of the group’s previous single “Boom Boom Pow”

2014 [02] Tommy Ramone, former drummer and last living member of punk-rock band The Ramones, dies at age 65 of cancer

2012 [04] Astronomers announce the discovery of Styx, the 5th moon of Pluto (how did they know its name?)

[Tues] Simplicity Day
[Wed] Embrace Your Geekness Day
[Wed] Gruntled Workers Day
[Wed] French Fries Day
[Thurs] Pemberton Music Festival begins (Pemberton BC)
[Thurs] International Nude Day
[Thurs] Mac & Cheese Day

Creative Maladjustment Week / Rabbit Week / Sports Cliché Week / Ventriloquism Week


Highlight bits culled from 23 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
(Sometimes you don’t need the whole joke.)
• That’s no cattle rancher. That’s my sister.
• Would you mind giving me a hand holding down this bear?
• Why not? The room’s already paid for.
• If the woman was behind the OTHER door, then what the heck is behind THIS one?
• Rectum? I damn near killed ‘em!
– First published in “BS” 2001.

✗ “If you don’t mind, I’m going to leave now to beat the traffic.”
✗ “They may have the talent, size, and athleticism … but we’ve got cuter outfits!”
✗ “I just won Lotto! So long, suckers!”
✗ “So when you get the, uh, you know, the round thing, the, uh, ball …”
✗ “It’s not over until … ah, who am I kidding, it’s over.”
✗ “Who’s winning?”
– First published in “BS” 2013.

My car mechanic says he couldn’t repair my brakes … so he made my horn louder.

☎ Somewhere in the world someone else likely shares the same name as you. When you Google it, who shows up that’s done something remarkable or weird?

Question: The average family buys a new one of THESE every 50 days.
Answer: A jar of mustard.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.

Justin Pettit @ Mix 105.1 [KXMX] Sallisaw OK/Fort Smith AK; Dawn Athanasius @ Pure FM Victoria, Seychelles; Brian Stephenson @ CK-FM [CKLJ] Olds AB; Missey Bailey @ Hot 105 [WHQT] Hollywood FL; and Mike Cullen @ SCR Pop Radio @ UK.

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