Friday, July 14, 2017 – Edition: #6013

Get a Load of This Sheet!

★ Woody Harrelson, who stars in ‘War of the Planet of the Apes’ (out today) says that he gave up smoking pot 14 months ago because he had a weird reaction.  He looked it up and has decided it was ‘adrenal exhaustion’.  Harrelson also says he tries to drink only on weekends now because it’s dangerous for him to go into a regular bar where when he is recognized and “Everybody wants to have a shot with you.”  He also claims he turned down his roles in Hunger Games and the upcoming Han Solo movie before being convinced to do them.
(Symptoms of ‘adrenal exhaustion’, which is not a proven medical condition, include ‘trouble thinking clearly or finishing your tasks’, which sounds an awful lot like the symptoms of ‘smoking too much weed’.
★ Fuming Neil Patrick Harris called James Woods “ignorant and classless” after he suggested a ‘gender creative’ boy will grow up to murder his parents. The angry ‘How I Met Your Mother’ actor took to Twitter to voice his disgust after taking offense at the movie star’s earlier Tweet. Woods shared an image of parents who held signs supporting their boy at a Pride event, including one which read, ‘my son wears dresses and makeup. Get over it.’ Woods is known for voicing his conservative views on social media.
★ Former ‘Apprentice’ contestant Clay Aiken wants people to know President Donald Trump isn’t the tough-talking businessman NBC may have made him out to be on TV. Aiken says there was a teleprompter on Trump’s ‘Apprentice’ desk where the producers would send him notes. Aiken says that Trump would not know what contestants would have done during the week, but the producers of the show would send him info and instruct Trump to say things like, “You two didn’t get along.”  As Aiken puts it, “It was very much, ‘I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.”
(Or maybe the notes were coming from….Russia?)
★ Jessica Biel says her healthy relationship with husband Justin Timberlake comes down to their respect for each other’s hectic work schedules. Biel, who has a two-year-old son, ‘Silas’ with Timberlake, says the pair are both dedicated to their work and she says being ”selfish” has allowed them to maintain a strong bond.
(Being selfish works for me!)
★ Ben Affleck’s ‘The Batman’ script has been ditched by director Matt Reeves. The actor had been set to direct the film while also reprising his role as Bruce Wayne/Batman, but in January he announced that he would no longer be helming the flick. Reeves came on board to direct in February, and has now revealed that he has scrapped the earlier script that Affleck, Chris Terrio and Geoff Johns had worked on.  Filming is scheduled to start early next year.
(Trouble in Gotham…better send up the Bat-signal!)

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Kate McKinnon, John Cena, Mac DeMarco ( R )
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): The best moments of the week, with a newly-recorded opening & monologue
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Will Ferrell, Laverne Cox, Jeff Tweedy, Daru Jones ( R )
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Kurt Russell, Thomas Middleditch, Russell Howard ( R )
• “Last Call with Carson Daly” (NBC/CTV): Adam Pally, Froth, Fahim Anwar ( R )
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Mischa Barton, guest co-host Caitlyn Jenner
• “The Talk” (CBS): Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Curtis Stone, guest co-host Sasheer Zamata
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Woody Harrelson, Jenny Slate, Hilah Johnson
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Jimmy Kimmel ( R )
• “Wendy Williams” (FOX):Rob Shuter, Melissa Garcia ( R )
• “Harry” (NBC/CTV): Julianne Hough, JR De Guzman ( R )
• “The Real” (FOX): D.B. Woodside, Tom Ellis, Rocco DiSpirito, guest co-host Cynthia Bailey ( R )
• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC): “Auditions 6” Variety acts of all types continue to audition for the judges.
• “Big Brother” (CBS): The two new heads of households move into their rooms and nominate two house guests for elimination.
• “American Ninja Warrior” (NBC): “Kansas City Qualifiers” Competitors face six challenging obstacles, including the Hang Glider, Broken Pipes and Crank It Up.

• Demi Lovato – her Hollywood Hills home was nearly burglarized on Tuesday evening. While she was in Boston promoting her new song ‘Sorry Not Sorry’, a man accessed her property, but was stopped.  The perpetrator climbed the gate and used a ladder to get up to her second floor balcony.
• Lady Gaga – has postponed the first date of her ‘Dive Bar Tour’. She was expected to perform in a secret location in Las Vegas last night, but Bud Light, the company sponsoring the intimate shows, says “we’re rescheduling, not cancelling.”  Gaga is said to be deep in rehearsals for her upcoming ‘Joanne’ World Tour of major venues.
• Tyler the Creator – has shared his latest single, ‘Boredom’ as he gears up to appear at a handful of summer festivals, as well as his own Camp Flog Gnaw event. The album ‘Flower Boy’ is coming soon.
• Michael Jackson – is coming back for Halloween.  CBS is developing an hour-long animated special featuring Michael’s music and celeb guest voices including Jim Parsons, Lucy Liu and Brad Garrett.  The finale is expected to feature an animated Jackson. (Just a hunch, but maybe singing ‘Thriller’????)
• Cheap Trick – are releasing a Christmas album later this year. Bassist Tom Petersson says the band finished the LP about two months ago. (And you know you’ve been around a while when you still call them ‘LPs’)
• Dave Matthews – performed an intimate three-song set at the wedding of Brian Brauntuch and Rebecca Simon. Rebecca is the daughter of David Simon, the CEO of the largest mall operator in the U.S.
• 2 Chainz – will make a guest appearance on Eminem’s new album.
•  Aretha Franklin –  has cancelled her upcoming concert in Massachusetts due to ill health. The 75-year-old icon was due to headline the second annual Martha’s Vineyard Concert Series on August 19 but due to an undisclosed medical issue she has had to pull out.  She also cancelled a Toronto appearance July 1.
• Loretta Lynn – is cancelling her upcoming tour and postponing her forthcoming album release while she recovers from a stroke she suffered in May. In her words: “I’m just letting everybody know that Willie [Nelson] ain’t dead yet and neither am I, and I can’t wait to see all of you on the road!”
• Garth Brooks – is the top earning country music star over the past year.  Forbes magazine ranks him first with $60 million in earnings, followed by Kenny Chesney ($42.5M), Luke Bryan ($42M), Dolly Parton ($37M) and Toby Keith and Florida Georgia Line (tied at $34.5M).
• Carrie Underwood – and her hockey star husband Mike Fisher celebrated their seventh wedding anniversary on Monday. She shared a selfie with the Nashville Predators captain on their special day and a heartfelt message on Instagram: “Celebrating 7 years with this amazing man. How am I so blessed to share this life with you, @mfisher1212″

• “War for the Planet of the Apes” (PG-13, Action/Adventure): After the apes suffer unimaginable losses, Caesar wrestles with his darker instincts and begins his own mythic quest to avenge his kind. (Andy Serkis, Woody Harrelson, Steve Zahn, Karin Konoval)
• “The Big Sick” (R-Rated, Comedy/Romance): Based on the real-life courtship between Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon. The couple deals with their cultural differences as their relationship grows. (Kumail Nanjiani, Zoe Kazan, Holly Hunter, Ray Romano)
• “Wish Upon” (PG-13, Horror): A teenage girl discovers a box that carries magic powers and a deadly price for using them. (Joey King, Ryan Phillippe, Ki Hong Lee, Mitchell Slaggert)
• “Lady Macbeth” (R-Rated, Drama): Set in 19th century rural England, a young bride who has been sold into marriage to a middle-aged man discovers an unstoppable desire within herself as she enters into an affair with a worker on her estate. ( Florence Pugh, Cosmo Jarvis, Paul Hilton, Naomi Ackie)
• “Blind” (R-Rated, Drama): A novelist blinded in a car crash which killed his wife rediscovers his passion for both life and writing when he embarks on an affair with the neglected wife of an indicted businessman. (Alec Baldwin, Demi Moore, Dylan McDermott, Rae Ritke)
• “Chasing Coral” (Not Rated, Documentary): Coral reefs around the world are vanishing at an unprecedented rate. A team of divers, photographers and scientists set out on a thrilling ocean adventure to discover why and to reveal the underwater mystery to the world. (Andrew Ackerman, Pim Bongaerts, Neal Cantin, Phil Dustan)

U.S. President John F. Kennedy had a number of health issues, but it may have been his chronic back pain that did him in.  Two neurosurgeons and researchers at the J-F-K Presidential Library have been re-examining the former President’s medical records. They feel that because he wore a corset beneath his suit to support his aching back at the time of his Dallas shooting, he involuntarily returned to an upright position after the first shot from Lee Harvey Oswald’s gun.  Had the back brace allowed JFK to slump on the seat of his limo, he may have survived the first shot, and been obstructed from the second fatal shot to the head.
(Sounds like fodder for 11 more books, 25 more TV specials and 3 more Oliver Stone movies…)

In case you are worried that your vinyl collection is becoming passé because everyone and their brother is starting to collect records again, here is the next big thing: cassettes.  Yup, those wonderful 1980s rectangular bundles of tinny sound, tangled tape and eye-straining print.   Yes, cassettes are coming back into vogue.  They will never be big enough again for Jay-Z start releasing music on them, but thrift shops and used electronics stores report that cassette recording and playback units are selling for as much or more than the original sticker price when they were brand new, some twenty and thirty years ago. (Twenty? Good luck.) Fascination with the decks started when younger music fans discovered a wealth of music titles by bands such as Nirvana available on cassette for a dollar and change at outlets such as Value Village. Then cassettes started to become cool novelty items that starting bands could manufacture on demand to sell at gigs.  Now a group of bands in Toronto have an event called the ‘Summer Bootlegger’ set for this weekend where they will record their live sets and have them dubbed before the final set ends and hand them out to fans on cassette before they leave the concert.
(The growing fascination with the cassette is almost audible….much like cassettes themselves!)
(Vinyl might still seem cooler, but let’s see you rewind a record with a pencil!)
(Sounds like a hipster thing.  We’d tell you what bar, but you’ve probably never heard of it!)

Thanks to certain dominant traits that are attributed to different signs of the zodiac, everyone has various strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes, though, your defining traits are just as bad as they are good…
▪ Aries – You easily lose it!  You hate to be told what to do, and will fight anyone who dares to  try.
▪ Taurus –  So stubborn.  You tend to be a homebody.  Sometimes when you don’t feel up to doing much, it can also translate into a stubborn streak that is an absolute pain in the butt to deal with!
▪ Gemini – You are so flaky.  You get a lot of flack for being of two minds at all times, since you’re the sign of the twins, but it is totally warranted! You regularly cancel on your friends and no one ever trusts you to be at an event – even if you’ve promised – because you’re so flighty.
▪ Cancer – You are so worried all the time.  Sometimes you are just a drag to be around. Your shy nature means that you don’t like to put yourself out there or try new things, because you’re worried about how you might appear to other people – even strangers you’re not likely to ever see again!
▪ Leo – You constantly need to be praised.  Leos are known for loving luxury, but they also love the spotlight. Combining those two strong desires makes for a sign that is constantly fishing for compliments -– but will never admit to it.
▪ Virgo – You can’t take criticism.  Not only are you concerned about things being perfect for yourself, you can’t take criticism and tend to judge yourself pretty harshly, but you’re none too kind to others in this regard either.
▪ Libra – You tend to be hypocritical. Libra is the sign of the scales, which means that you like to keep everything balanced and in harmony with one another. You’re always so intent on keeping the peace that you tend to be hypocritical, for fear of causing offence.
▪ Scorpio – You hate showing any weakness.  Yours is a passionate sign that likes to manipulate others, even if it means that they’re considered petty. You hate to show any weakness, and will go out of their your to pick apart those you know in order to keep the upper hand.
▪ Sagittarius – You don’t know when to zip it.  You are always on the cusp of the Next Big Thing, and you won’t shut up about it! You love to be the one to tell others when you discovered something first.  Basically, you seek attention, and it’s ridiculously transparent.
▪ Capricorn – You’re pretty ruthless.  You want to be the best of the best and have the best of the best, and so you work hard to achieve it. This sounds pretty respectable, except for the fact that when a Capricorn “makes it”, they won’t hesitate to rub it in your face.
▪ Aquarius – You try too hard.  Aquarians are known for being more eccentric than some of the other signs, with a flair for the creative. With that being said, this sign is also known for trying too hard to be weird, and it just comes across as fake.
▪ Pisces – You often get lost in thoughts and daydreams.  You are very sensitive at all times. And you wear your emotions on your sleeve, so no one has any clue what will set you off.
(So, basically everyone sucks, is that what you’re trying to say?)
(At least now I have an excuse for my irritating qualities, right?)
(Funny, my horoscope never mentioned that I can be a jerk!)


1960 [57] Jane Lynch, Dolton IL, TV host (“Hollywood Game Night” since 2013)/TV actress (“Glee” 2009-15)

1966 [51] Matthew Fox, Abington, PA, TV Actor (‘Charlie Salinger’ in “Party of Five” 1994-2000, ‘Jack Shephard’ in “Lost” 2004-2010)

1975 [42] Jamey Johnson, Enterprise AL, country singer (“In Color”, “The Dollar”)/country songwriter (“Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”, “Give It Away”)

1975 [42] Taboo (Jaime Gomez), LA CA, hip-hop musician/MC/dancer (Black Eyed Peas-”I Gotta Feeling”, “Where Is the Love?”)

1987 [30] Dan Reynolds, Las Vegas NV, indie rock singer (Imagine Dragons-“Demons”, “Radioactive”)

1988 [29] Conor McGregor, Dublin, Ireland, MMA Fighter (Ultimate Fighting Champion 2013-2016, COMING UP…Floyd Mayweather and two-weight UFC world champion Conor McGregor have agreed to a boxing match on August 26 in Las Vegas.)

1961 [56] Forest Whitaker, Longview TX, movie actor (“The Butler”, Oscar-”The Last King of Scotland”)

1972 [45] Scott Foley, Kansas City KS, TV actor (‘Capt Jake Ballard’ on “Scandal” since 2013)/ex-Mr Jennifer Garner (2000-04)

1973 [44] Brian Austin Green, Van Nuys CA, TV actor (“Rosewood” 2016, “Anger Management” 2012-14)/wed to actress Megan Fox since 2010

1981 [36] Taylor Kinney, Lancaster PA, TV actor (‘Lt Kelly Severide’ on “Chicago Fire”)/movie actor (“Zero Dark Thirty”)/Lady Gaga’s ex-fiancé

Sports analyst Jimmy Johnson (“Fox NFL Sunday”) is 74; Classic rock drummer Stewart Copeland (The Police) is 65; Movie actor Will Ferrell (“Old School”) is 50; Pop singer-guitarist Luke Hemmings (5 Seconds of Summer) is 21.

• “Bastille Day”, the national holiday of France that commemorates the beginning of the French Revolution in 1789, when patriots stormed the Bastille prison. Off with their heads!

• “Grand Marnier Day”, celebrating the cognac concoction that’s used in mixed drinks (ie: Cosmopolitan) and in desserts (ie: Crêpe Suzette). It was an 1880s French invention by one Alexandre Marnier-Lapostolle.

• “Shark Awareness Day”, to create awareness that these magnificent creatures are more threatened by people than people are by sharks. Worldwide demand for shark-fin soup and shark-tooth medallions combine to make sharks endangered, with millions killed each year.

• “International Nude Day”, a serious celebration of the ‘naturist’ lifestyle.  (Then why does everyone laugh if they see me naked?)

• “Mac & Cheese Day”, an annual salute to the cheap food that sustains most people under 25.

• “Be a Dork Day”, an annual excuse to wear goofy clothing, not brush your teeth, eat yucky food, and trip over your own feet. (In other words, act normal.)
• “Gummi Worm Day”, celebrating the ooey-gooey candies first created by German company Trolli in 1981. ‘Gummi’ means ‘rubber’ in German.
• “Tapioca Day”, honoring that stuff you put in pudding that looks like fish eyes.
• “Woodie Wagon Day”, observed annually on the 3rd Saturday of July to salute the vintage car body style (especially a station wagon) where the rear bodywork is constructed of wood framework with in-fill panels of wood or woodgrain-painted metal.

• “Fresh Spinach Day”, an occasion to make use of some healthful leafy greens in your favorite recipes. Spinach & sharp cheese omelette, anyone?
• “Ice Cream Day”, fill a bowl, cup or cone with your favorite flavor of ice cream. (It’s all fun and games until you get brain freeze!)
• “Personal Chef Day”, an annual reminder to consider hiring a private chef for a day, a unique way to entertain friends and business guests in your home. It’s not as costly as you might think.

2012 [05] London’s West End closes it’s all-time longest-running musical, “Chicago”, after 15 years

2009 [08] Fans of the late Michael Jackson from all over the world congregate at London’s O2 arena, where he had been due to begin his run of 50 concerts

2015 [02] Las Vegas Coroner’s Office confirms that blues legend BB King has died of natural causes stemming from Alzheimer’s disease, not murder (2 of his daughters had alleged he was poisoned by long-time associates)

2011 [06] Neptune completes its 1st orbit of the Sun since the planet was discovered in 1846

2015 [02] NASA’s ‘New Horizons’ probe performs the 1st flyby of Pluto (launched in 2006 and travelling over 3 billion miles, it continued transmitting data for the next 16 months)


• The Big Bang was not as loud as a Motörhead concert.
• Abraham Lincoln was a licensed bartender.
• According to the company that created her, Hello Kitty isn’t a cat.
• Albert Einstein’s eyeballs are in a safety deposit box in New York.
• McDonald’s once created bubble-gum-flavored broccoli.
• It is impossible to hum and whisper at the same time.
-“1,234 Quite Interesting Facts to Leave You Speechless”

Here are a few of the worst regularly uttered by athletes and/or sportscasters …
✗ “We’re just taking it one game at a time.” (Oh, please! Why not one play or one second at a time?)
✗ “I care about winning the championship, not individual records.” (Until it’s contract negotiation time.)
✗ “We just need to go out there and execute better.” (Is that a nose on the end of your face?)
✗ “She’s got great work ethic.” (Like anyone else playing at this level.)
✗ “This is what he brings to the table.” (BS translation: These are his skills.)
✗ “He gave 110 percent.” (If he can actually do that, then that’s 100% of what he can do.)
✗ “She came to play.” (That’s good because we came to watch.)
✗ “They’re playing within themselves.” (Is this even possible?)
✗ “They’re going to have to step it up to take it to the next level.” (Like anyone else.)
✗ “World champions.” (Don’t US-based leagues realize that they do not play teams worldwide?)
(And what trite statements drive you up the wall?)
– Adapted from   First published in BS in 2016.

• SorryWeDontHaveWifi
• ItsOnYourReceiptDontAskAgain
• coffeealllowercasenospaces
• coffeewithacapitalC
• DoYouReallyNeedTheInternetToWriteYourScreenplay
• PleaseDontWatchPorn
• AreYouActuallyGoingToTakeUpThatEntireTable
• AtLeastBuySomethingFirst
• ThePasswordIsLiterallyOnSignsEverywhereSoMaybeJustTakeASecond
• cappuccino

☎What funny or creepy WI-FI network name has come up on your phone?

The best things in life are free  **plus shipping and handling**

Question: 650 million of THESE are sold annually and you will likely use one tomorrow. What is it?
Answer: Bottles of Heinz Ketchup

You can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel.

Printer Friendly Version