Wednesday, July 17, 2013        Edition: #5026

Can You Believe This Sheet?

✳ 27-year-old Lindsay Lohan has reportedly negotiated a $2-million deal to appear in an 8-part documentary on Oprah’s OWN network. When filming begins after her court-ordered 90-day rehab stint ends next month, word has it she’ll be given 2 assistants to wait on her hand and foot as well as a personal stylist to ensure she looks her best on-set. The series will focus on LiLo’s struggles with addictions and fame, as well as her film career and her hopes for the future. (Now we can add Oprah to the long list of ‘enablers’ in this girl’s totally warped life.)
✳ Kim Kardashian has attempted a secret outing with new baby daughter North, but was spotted as she tried to travel incognito in her nanny’s car. An eagle-eyed bystander says Kim looks amazing, having already dropped a lot of the baby weight since giving birth June 15th. As for the baby, Kim and the nanny kept a blanket over North’s car seat so nobody could catch a glimpse. Kim and boyfriend Kanye West are yet to officially unveil their first child to the world. (That’s likely all covered by some sort of lucrative contract.)
✳ 52-year-old movie star George Clooney’s latest ex, Stacy Keibler (33), is smiling through the split, insisting she’s too busy to get blue. The former wrestler is currently promoting her new TV game show “Supermarket Superstar” (debuting next week) and she’s refusing to let the end of her relationship with Clooney ruin her success. Quote: “There’s nothing really dramatic that happened, so it’s all good. I’m someone that’s always lived in the present moment; I always look at the positive in everything.” (BS translation: If I only hadn’t told him to turn down that damn basketball game on TV …)
– “Extra”
✳ And Tom Cruise has stunned the graduating class of an acting school in Santa Monica, California by taking to the stage as their surprise commencement speaker. Students at the Joanne Baron/DW Brown Studio had no clue Cruise was even in the house. During his talk, he advised graduates to throw themselves into the world of filmmaking. When you do finally get the chance to be in a movie, he says, don’t spend all your time in the trailer. Quote: “Experience everything, talk to everyone on the crew, the grips, everyone. Learn everything you can.” (OMG, we just had a moment there of actually liking the guy.)

• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – Hopefuls audition for the judges in Las Vegas.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Pretty Lights w/Talib Kweli (“Color Map Of the Sun”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – The Neighbourhood (“I Love You”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Pierce the Veil (“Collide With the Sky”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Gogol Bordello (“Pura Vida Conspiracy”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Court Yard Hounds (“Amelita”).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (ABC/CTV) – Sara Bareilles (“The Blessed Unrest”).
• “Suits” (Bravo Canada) – In the 3rd-season debut, there’s been a shift in dynamics at the firm after a merger with a British company. Could ‘Mike’ (Patrick J Adams) be forced to do the unthinkable and betray ‘Harvey’ (Gabriel Macht)?
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Amy Grant (“How Mercy Looks From Here”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Serena Ryder (“Harmony”).
• “TWA Flight 800” (Epix) – Debut of a new documentary by Emmy-winning filmmaker Kristina Borjesson about what really happened July 17, 1996 when a NYC to Paris flight exploded 12 minutes after takeoff, killing all 230 passengers. The FBI labeled it a fuel tank explosion, but numerous eyewitnesses saw a streaking object in the sky.

• A$AP Rocky / Wiz Khalifa – They co-headline the “Under the Influence of Music” tour that gets underway tonight in San Francisco CA. The roster also includes BoB, Joey Bada$$, Pro Era, and Trinidad James. The trek runs through August 11th in Cincinnati OH.
• Carly Rae Jepsen – She threw out the ceremonial first pitch at a Tampa Bay Rays baseball game … but forgot to let go of the ball. The hilarious video of the incident has gone viral.
• Chris Brown – An LA judge has revoked his probation as he faces hit-and-run charges from a minor car accident in May. He’s been released on his own recognizance but ordered to return to court in August, when the judge will rule on whether he violated probation. If so, he could face up to 4 years in jail.
• Jay Z /Justin Timberlake – Their “Legends Of the Summer” stadium tour begins at Rogers Centre in Toronto ON, a result of their collaboration on Timberlake’s single “Suit & Tie” and their performance at the Grammy Awards. The 12–city, 14-show trek through August 16th in Miami FL is in support of JT’s “The 20/20 Experience” and Jay-Z’s “Magna Carta Holy Grail” (expected to debut at #1 when Nielsen SoundScan releases its new chart today).
• Randy Travis – He’s awake in a Dallas TX hospital, but will need months to recover. After a heart problem, then a stroke, then surgery to relieve pressure on his brain, doctors have now weaned him off life support. (We love the one headline we found: “Travis Quits Drinking”.)

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 43% of married women would rather go to the dentist than visit their mother-in-law.
• 40% of men regularly lie about what they did over the weekend.
• 33% of women admit that, at least once, they have ‘flashed’ someone.
• 27% of people worldwide say they paid a bribe to get public services in the last year.
• 25% of women say ill-fitting or unattractive underwear can have a negative effect on their mood.
• 20% of guys claim they have never said the words “I love you”.

New terms leaking into our lingo …
✓ ‘Hate-watch’ – To watch a TV show, movie, or actor that you vigorously dislike … but you keep watching anyway. (“After we hate-watch a “Glee” rerun, we’re going clubbing.”)
✓ ‘Pawdicure’ – A pedicure for a dog. It might include a filing, plus a soothing aloe-based foot cream, and/or nail painting. (Like old-fashioned claw-clipping … only lots more money.)
✓ ‘Stealth Wear’ – A sign of our technological times, this is new hi-tech clothing and/or accessories designed to protect the wearer from detection and surveillance. (It’s Harry Potter’s ‘invisibility cloak’ come true!)

Some 35% of women in their 20s and 30s now refuse to take their husband’s name after they wed. They aren’t necessarily feminists. It may have more to do with a carefully crafted career image based on their surnames. It can be time-consuming and difficult for a woman to change all the documents needed to encourage people to start calling her something else professionally. Related Dutch research has found that women who keep their surnames are perceived as more intelligent. Unfair, but they also earn $491 more a month on average. (But if you lived your life so far constantly having to spell a truly crappy last name ….)

Your iPhone may be making more decisions about what you use than you think. According to a recent analysis, iPhones running Apple’s latest iOS 6 software will not suggest corrections for even slight misspellings of hot-button words such as ‘abortion’. For example, if a user types ‘abortiom’ with an ‘m’ instead of an ‘n’, the software won’t suggest a correction. Among the list of other words iPhone software won’t correct: ‘abduct’, ‘ammo’,’arouse’, ‘Aryan’, ‘bullet’, ‘drunkard’, ‘drunken’, ‘murder’, ‘rape’, and ‘virginity’. (And we’d bet on ‘Android’.)

A few tips from experts …
• Know your budget and stick to it. Never buy on impulse.
• Research the model, including its weak points, typical repair costs and intervals, and price.
• Look for local used-car auctions for the opportunity to save a lot of money.
• Look for a used car at the dealership where it was originally purchased new. That means the original customer likely had a good experience and service records may be available.
• Use your own mechanic to do a pre-sale vehicle inspection.
• If you’re buying privately, inspect the owner not just the car. Do they seem trustworthy?
• Don’t finance through the dealership unless it’s at 0%. Your bank will likely have a better rate.
• Be willing to walk away.

Noise pollution costs billions each year. It increases blood pressure, shortens lives, reduces office productivity by 66%, interferes with learning and concentration and, along with open-plan offices, has contributed to a boom in the sale of headphones. So it comes as no surprise that a new selling point for gadgets is … how quiet they are. To that end, the UK’s ‘Noise Abatement Society’ has developed a new certification known as the ‘Quiet Mark’ for consumer goods that meet criteria. (Isn’t it ironic that, in order to create a little paradise in our backyards, many of us use gratingly loud mowers, hedge trimmers, leaf blowers, etc?)
– “Quartz Technology”

• French babies cry with an accent. (“La wah, la wah …”)
• Indonesia is the world’s largest exporter of edible frogs. (Exactly what makes them edible?)
• Naked hiking is legal in Switzerland. (Is that a walking stick or are you just happy to see me?)
• The best Italian saffron is made from crocus flowers, picked at dawn. (No wonder it’s like 50 bucks a gram.)
• There are so few redheads in Mexico they often greet each other on the street. (“Hey Rojo, que pasa!?!?”)
– BBC News


1935 [78] Donald Sutherland, Saint John NB, movie actor (“The Hunger Games”, “Cold Mountain”)/actor Keifer Sutherland’s pop/Hollywood Walk Of Fame (2011)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2000)/Order of Canada (1978)

1947 [66] Duchess of Cornwall (Camilla Parker Bowles Windsor), Plumpton UK, Prince Charles’ longtime mistress who he finally wed in 2005 (she’s 472 in dog years)

1952 [61] David Hasselhoff, Baltimore MD, TV personality (“America’s Got Talent” 2006-09)/movie actor (“Dodgeball”)/former TV actor (“Baywatch” 1989-2000, “Knight Rider” 1982-86)

1954 [59] Angela Merkel (Kasner), Hamburg, West Germany, German Chancellor since 2005

1960 [53] Mark Burnett, London UK, really rich TV producer (“Survivor”, “Celebrity Apprentice”, “The Voice”, “The Bible”)

1964 [49] Craig Morgan, Kingston Springs TN, country singer (“Wake Up Lovin’ You”, “That’s What I Love About Sunday”)

1975 [38] MIA (Mathangi ‘Maya’ Arulpragasam), London UK, pop singer/songwriter/fashion designer/artist (“Paper Planes”, “Boyz”)

1976 [37] Luke Bryan, Leesburg GA, country singer (“Crash My Party”, “Drunk On You”)

• “National Baby Food Festival”, the 20th annual through Saturday in Fremont, Michigan, home of Gerber Products. Events include the ‘Baby Food Cook-Off’, the ‘Famous Baby Crawl’, and the ‘Adult Baby-Food-Eating Contest’.

• “Wear Crazy Socks to Work Day”, another excuse to goof off on-the-job, this time while laughing and pointing at one another’s feet. Multicolored toe socks, anyone?

• “World Day for International Justice”, celebrated on the anniversary of the adoption of the ‘Rome Statute’, the treaty that created the International Criminal Court in 1998.

1955 [58] ‘Disneyland’ opens in Anaheim CA, billed ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’ (a live TV broadcast of the event is hosted by Walt Disney, Art Linkletter, and Ronald Reagan)

1902 [111] Buffalo NY engineer Willis Carrier installs 1st ‘Air Conditioning System’ in a Brooklyn NY printing plant (for the next 20 years, his invention is used primarily to cool machines, not people)

1917 [96] British royal family 1st uses surname ‘Windsor’ in an attempt to rid itself of its German heritage (and the hard-to-spell ‘Saxe-Coburg-Gotha’)

1941 [72] NY Yankee legend Joe DiMaggio doesn’t get a hit, bringing his ‘Consecutive Game Hitting Streak’ to a close after 56 games since May 16th (a record that still stands)

1982 [31] 52-year-old Don Bennett of Seattle WA becomes 1st ‘One-Legged Mountain Climber’ to hop to the top of 14,408-ft Mount Rainier

[Thurs] International Mandela Day
[Thurs] Caviar Day
[Sat] Celebration Of the Horse Day
[Sat] Lollipop Day
[Sat] Woodie Wagon Day
[Sun] Ice Cream Sunday
This Week Is … Parenting Gifted Children Week
This Month Is … Women’s Motorcycle Month


Universal guy truths that all women should understand …
• Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you’re wrong.
• You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
• My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
• When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you’re nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
• When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, we question your intelligence.
• The first time? We’re as nervous as you are.
• Make us laugh and we’ll want to hang around.
• You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
• We love ponytails.
• Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
– Adapted from

☎ On Saturday night, the Rolling Stones played the final show of their 50th anniversary tour in London’s Hyde Park. Should they hang it up now or consider touring again in the future?

Some of the following statements are true, some total BS. Which are which?
• Paper can be made from wombat excrement. [True]
• Elevators have killed people when their cable snapped. [BS. There are a minimum of 4 cables, plus an automatic braking system.]
• You can hiccup while asleep. [True]
• Wine varies in taste from day-to-day. [True]
• 1 dog year is equal to 7 human years. [BS. Different breeds have different life expectancies. Furthermore, dogs have a very short ‘childhood’ and a very long middle-age.]
• Trousers (or pants) used to be called ‘unmentionables’. [True]
• No 2 countries with McDonald’s franchises have ever gone to war. [BS. There are lots: Georgia/Russia, Israel/Lebanon, etc.]
• Elephants are the only mammal that can’t jump. [BS. Rhinos, hippos, sloths, fat guys …]

Good news: I got here on time. Bad news: The station won’t pay my speeding ticket.

Question: Women in THIS profession are most likely to Internet date.
Answer: Teaching.

Nothing makes a vacation seem better then hindsight.

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