Monday, July 18, 2011     Edition: #4551

Sheet Happens!

• Tiger Woods’ ex, Elin Nordegren, has reportedly found love again with wealthy investor Jamie Dingman. Elin, who divorced the philandering golf great following a series of scandalous affairs, has been dating the son of billionaire Michael Dingman for months. The charming bachelor has previously been tied to actress Bridget Moynahan, mother of NFL star Tom Brady’s baby. Friends say he & Elin met at the Red Cross Ball in Florida last January. And oh … he doesn’t play golf. (Between them, they have enough moolah to buy the entire country of Greece.)
– “New York Post”
• But the story doesn’t end there. A follow-up report claims Jamie Dingman’s ex-girlfriend is non-other than Rachel Uchitel, one of Woods’ many mistresses over the years. Apparently both Tiger and Jamie were dating Uchitel at the same time, even though she was living with Dingman in Miami at the time. All of this is according to Jen Madden, the loose-lipped lady who sold the original story on Tiger Woods. (How do these people keep it straight where to lie down each night?)
• A few new reality TV shows coming down the pipe: An as yet-unnamed competition that mixes “American Idol” with “Fear Factor” is looking for people with an amazing voice who ‘can sing under pressure’. Then there’s “Are You Afraid Something You’re Doing Isn’t Normal?”, kind of self-explanatory. “My Cat From Hell” will highlight cats with behavioral problems alongside their hapless owners. And “True Beauty” is an upcoming documentary series that will feature individuals whose lives are defined by their looks, whether those living with severe facial disfigurement or hapless individuals considered quintessentially attractive. (OMG that must be hell!)
– “Jam! Showbiz”
• Casey Anthony has been released from jail 3 years after she was locked up and accused of murdering her 2-year-old daughter Caylee. The 25-year-old was freed at 12:09 am Sunday, 12 days after a jury acquitted her. Demonstrators were gathered outside protesting her release as she walked out of the jail accompanied by her attorney Jose Baez. Anthony has kept details of her post-release plans under wraps as officials out of fear for her safety. (Now THERE’S a potential reality show that’d be a hit … “Tracking Casey”.)
• Bad luck, guys … 31-year-old Nicole Scherzinger is officially off the market. The former Pussycat Doll, who will be starring on “The X Factor” this fall, is now engaged to 26-year-old British Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton after a 4-year relationship. Her father has confirmed the news by saying, “My future son-in-law is a really nice guy, really down-to-earth. My family all like him.” (BS translation: Those F-1 guys, they make the big bucks!)
– “Mail on Sunday”
• And ‘Harry Potter’ has worked his magic again. “Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows: Part 2” has raked in a record-breaking $92.1 million on its opening day, smashing the domestic box office record for largest single-day gross. The previous record-holder was “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” at $72.1 million. When final figures are in today, it’s expected the movie will unseat “The Dark Knight” for the best opening weekend ever. (See ‘This Day in Show Biz’ below.)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros (“Up From Below”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Brit band Viva Brother (“Famous First Words”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Goldheart Assembly (“Last Decade/Going Down Well”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Wye Oak (“Civilian”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – U2’s Bono & the Edge present a performance from “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark”.
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Jordan Knight (New Kids On the Block).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Clay Aiken (“Tried & True”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Imelda May (“Mayhem”).

• Jennifer Lopez – Her publicist has announced she & Marc Anthony have split after a 7-year marriage that spawned twin children. Britain’s “Daily Mail” is reporting that she dumped him just hours before attending a Hollywood gala for Britain’s Prince William & Catherine a week ago.
• Justin Moore – After 22 weeks of creeping up gradually, “If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away” has finally topped the new “Billboard” magazine ‘Country Songs’ chart.
• Lady Gaga – Her YouTube Channel has been restored after a brief suspension for an alleged copyright breach. Apparently the dispute involved a video of her performing on a Japanese TV show. (With a billion-plus hits, YouTube isn’t going to shut her down for long.)
• Muse – Frontman Matt Bellamy has announced that he & actress Kate Hudson have named their new baby son ‘Bingham’, honoring Bellamy’s mother’s maiden name and Kurt Russell’s dad’s name (Bing Russell). Russell is Hudson’s de facto step-dad.
• Sara Bareilles – She’s signed on to become a judge on NBC-TV’s singing competition “The Sing-Off”, replacing Nicole Scherzinger, who’s moved on to “The X Factor” (FOX). The 3rd season of “The Sing-Off” premieres September 19th.
• Rebecca Black – The 14-year-old whose song “Friday” was ridiculed for being inane but made her a YouTube sensation anyway (167 million views), is looking to keep her pop culture star from fading with a new video on YouTube today. “My Moment” was written by Brandon ‘Blue’ Hamilton, who previously co-produced a Justin Bieber song. Black is also working on a 5-song EP which will be released in August.
• Taylor Swift – She’s naming her first fragrance ‘Wonderstruck’, after a lyric from her song “Enchanted”. The fragrance will be available in department stores this October.

Research chefs at a culinary lab in Bellevue, Washington believe they’ve discovered the way to make the best french fries. The potato batons are vacuum-sealed with 2% salt brine in bags, then bombarded with intense ultrasound waves from the same device that dentists and jewelers use. Afterward, they’re vacuum-dried, then double-dipped in extremely hot oil. The result: A hugely satisfying crunch when you bite through the exterior that yields to a center of incredibly smooth mashed-potato consistency. (George Foreman will be flogging a special cooker any day now.)

In perhaps the most bizarre workplace protest to ever hit Australia, Qantas engineers decided to stop work on Friday …  for an entire 60 seconds. And this week, as part of a worsening dispute with the airline, 2 engineers intend to conduct their regular work using only their left hands. The normally right-handed workers claim that using screwdrivers, spanner wrenches, and other tools left-handed won’t present any safety issues or threaten overall aircraft maintenance. (And if that doesn’t work, they’re going to put their coveralls on backwards … that’ll show the bastards!)
– “The Telegraph”

If you think humans are the only species that names their babies, you’d be wrong. According to a new Cornell University study, each parrot has its own signature call that others use to address it. Put simply, every parrot has its own name. Researchers have used video cameras to record the communication habits of green-rumped parrots and what they’ve found is that even before babies utter their first chirp, the parent parrots assign them a signature sound by which they are addressed for the rest of their lives. (Most of them rhyme with ‘brawwwwwk’.)

A new study at Japan’s Tohoku University has found that around 15% of all snails eaten by hungry birds survive the ordeal and live to be eaten another day. In fact, one of the snails in the study immediately gave birth right after she crawled out of the bird’s waste. It’s long been known that many seeds consumed by birds survive digestion and get a good start at growth after being spread on the ground in bird waste. Since the seed is surrounded by fertilizer, the process is akin to nature’s farming. Now this latest research shows how at least some mollusks benefit from a similar process. (That’s it … never eating escargot again!)
– “Discovery News”

The US Mint has been cranking out ‘$1 Presidential Coins’ even though nobody seems to want them. The manganese brass dollars have apparently proven unpopular with a public that prefers paper, so the mint is now scrambling to find a place to store the slugs. At the Federal Reserve in Baltimore MD, the coins are in plastics bags and cardboard boxes, stacked one on top of another, creating aisles of presidential coinage worth millions. It’s suggested that the brass bucks are piling up so quickly, $650,000 will be needed to build a new vault in Dallas TX to hold them, and another $3 million will be required to ship them there. (As we found out in Canada, if you want people to use coins … you gotta phase out the paper bills.)
– ABC News

Four Harvard students have created a clean, portable generator that can provide light to families in need around-the-world. The ‘sOccket’ is a soccer ball that captures energy with every kick. In fact, just 15 minutes of play will produce a total of 3 hours of light. The gizmo harnesses the kinetic energy of the soccer ball during normal game play and stores it for later power needs. After play, an LED lamp can be plugged directly into the ‘sOccket’ to provide light. (Imagine the energy a baseball or golf ball could collect every time it gets whacked!)

In a new poll of Baby Boomers, a quarter of respondents contend that ‘old age’ does not begin until you’re at least 80. The median age cited is 70. (That’s because Boomers are now passing 60.)


1950 [61] Jack Layton, Montréal QC, official leader of the opposition since May 2nd/federal NDP party leader since 2003

1950 [61] Richard Branson, London UK, billionaire entrepreneur (CEO of Virgin Group since 1966)/founder of Virgin Atlantic Airways, Virgin Records, etc

1967 [44] Vin Diesel (Mark Vincent), NYC, movie actor (“Fast & Furious” films, “The Chronicles of Riddick”)

1975 [36] MIA (Mathangi ‘Maya’ Arulpragasam), London UK, pop singer/songwriter/fashion designer/artist (“Paper Planes”)

1975 [36] Daron Malakian, Glendale CA, rock singer/guitarist (System Of a Down-“Hypnotize”, “BYOB”)

1980 [31] Kristen Bell, Detroit MI, movie actress (“Scream 4”, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”)/TV actress (the voice of “Gossip Girl” since 2007, “Veronica Mars” 2004-07)

1985 [26] Chace Crawford, Lubbock TX, TV actor (‘Nate Archibald’ on “Gossip Girl” since 2007)

• “Caviar Day”, saluting the mega-expensive roe (eggs) of the sturgeon fish, proving once and for all that we’ll eat just about anything if we give it an attractive name.

• “Chrysanthemum Day”, a favorite of spelling bee organizers everywhere!

• “Get Out of the Doghouse Day”, a day to ask for final forgiveness for whatever minor crimes you’ve committed.

• “Global Hug Your Kid Day”. C’mon, do we actually need an excuse for this?

• “Mandela Day”, the 2nd annual international day in honor of civil rights leader and former South African president Nelson Mandela, celebrated on his birthday (July 18, 1918). The day was initiated by the United Nations in 2009.

2008 [03] ‘Batman’ sequel “The Dark Knight” opens in movie theaters, setting a record of $158 million with its opening weekend domestic box office (eventually wins Heath Ledger a posthumous Oscar for his portrayal of ‘The Joker’)

1992 [19] Whitney Houston weds Bobby Brown at her Mendham NJ estate in front of 800 guests that include Ray Charles, Dionne Warwick, Patti LaBelle, Aretha Franklin, and Donald Trump (both Bobby and the estate are now long gone)

1976 [35] In Montréal, 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci collects the 1st ‘perfect 10’ ever recorded at the Olympic Games (wins 3 gold medals, a silver and a bronze)

1980 [31] World record set for ‘Catching a Grape In the Mouth’ (319 feet, 8 inches)

[Tues] Stick Your Tongue Out Day
[Tues] Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
[Wed] Chess Day
[Wed] Moon Day
[Wed] Lollipop Day
[Wed] Fortune Cookie Day
[Thurs] Junk Food Day

Baby Food Week / Captive Nations Week / Independent Retailers Week / Rabbit Week / Restless Leg Syndrome Awareness Week / Zookeeper Week


A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
July is “Ice Cream Month”, a good excuse to review –
• Hardened Toothpaste Mint Swirly
• Cocktail Wiener Supreme
• Baskin-Robbins Gravy Ripple
• Chunky Tuna & Fudge
• Ben & Jerry’s Monkey Clumps
• Old Fashioned Grease & Weasel
• Raspberry Rash
• Low-Fat Pralines & Trout
– First published in “BS” 1997

This just in: A dog who gave birth to puppies beside a road has been cited for littering.

What really strange thing do you collect?

Got a butt like Britain’s Prince William? There’s a gig for that …

Today’s Question: Both men & women say THIS takes 20 minutes when on a first date.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: To decide if there’s going to be a 2nd date.

Better one word too few than one too many.

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