Wednesday, July 18, 2012        Edition: #4789

Sheet Happens!

49-year-old Demi Moore’s 3 daughters (Rumer, Scout, Tallulah) are considering taking a restraining order out against their troubled mom, reporting a series of fights has led to her offspring cutting off all contact with her (who would have thought Bruce Willis would turn out to be the stable parent?) . . . Jennifer Lopez tells ABC News her suggestions for her replacement on “American Idol” would include Bono, Jon Bon Jovi, and Mick Jagger (aka ‘Slim Chance’, ‘Fat Chance’, and ‘No Chance’) . . . “True Blood” actor Stephen Moyer has confirmed to “Us Magazine” that his wife & co-star Anna Paquin is pregnant with twins (he already has 2 kids from previous flings) . . . Actor Charlie Sheen has pledged at least 1% of the money he makes on his new FX comedy “Anger Management” will go to the USO’s Operation Enduring Care, a program to help wounded and sick soldiers and their families (was he sober saying this – that’s a minimum million!) . . . “Magic Mike” star Channing Tatum & his wife Jenna Dewan have celebrated their 3rd wedding anniversary by jetting off to Italy to hang out with George Clooney & Stacy Keibler at Clooney’s estate on Lake Como (it’s all about WHO you know) . . . is now, as NBC Universal has acquired Microsoft’s 50% share of the news website for $300 million (thereby ending a partnership begun in 1996) . . . 32-year-old “Breaking Bad” star Aaron Paul (‘Jesse Pinkman’) says he & his fiancée have decided to hold off living together until they get married (reportedly in a 1920s-themed Parisian carnival wedding) . . . And NBA superstar Kobe Bryant (LA Lakers) & his wife Vanessa Bryant have reportedly called off their divorce at the last moment; the LA Lakers guard said to be working on a reconciliation (seems he’s decided he can’t live on just half of $53 million-a-year).


• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – 4 acts move on to the top 24.
• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Lionel Richie (“Tuskegee”).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Walk the Moon (“Walk the Moon”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Flo Rida (“Wild Ones”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Rubblebucket (“Omega La La”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Bombay Bicycle Club (“Different Kind of Fix”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Trampled by Turtles (“Stars & Satellites”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Swedish hardcore punk band Refused.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Red Wanting Blue (“From The Vanishing Point”).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – Dancers at risk for elimination perform; 2 contestants are eliminated.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – MGK (“Half Naked & Almost Famous”).


• Katy Perry – An insider tells “Daily Mirror” her new boyfriend, Rob Ackroyd from Florence & The Machine, is planning to leave London and move to LA by the end of the year in order to be with her. The couple have been dating since they met at the Coachella Festival in April.
• Lady Gaga – She appears totally naked in the black-and-white print campaign for her first perfume, ‘Lady Gaga Fame’. The pics by famed photographer Steven Klein feature strategically-placed tiny men crawling over her body. The scent will hit stores in August.
• Lana Del Rey – She’s the face of clothing retailer H&M’s Autumn/Winter 2012 campaign. She has recorded a cover of “Blue Velvet” for a short film that will be released in September, edits of which will be used as TV commercials. The mood of the ads is said to be ‘very LA noir’.
• LCD Soundsystem – Tonight their documentary “Shut Up and Play the Hits” hits select movie theaters in 70 cities. It chronicles the band’s final days and their last show at NYC’s Madison Square Garden on April 2, 2011.


Local politicians in Hoek van Holland, the Netherlands are calling for weather forecasters who get their predictions wrong to be fined. They say ‘bad’ forecasts in both the Netherlands and Belgium are damaging attendance at outdoor attractions because day-trippers cancel plans to go out when they’re bombarded with poor weather prospects. Earlier this month, tourist attraction managers in Belgium called for ‘less pessimistic forecasts’ and urged meteorologists to pay as much attention to sun as they do rain. (“Lots of sun today … above the storm clouds.”)


New terms leaking into our lingo …
• ‘Dark Stores’ – Supermarkets that stock goods exclusively for home delivery. Customers are banned from the site as it’s the dark store’s employees who fill grocery carts for online orders. Some retailers, like Britain’s Tesco, even offer grocery shopping using a phone app.
• ‘Dox’ – To release harmful information about a person or company as a form of online protest. As virtually anything can be posted on the Internet, a reputation can be trashed even if the accusation is inaccurate or completely made-up. (“We got doxed for no apparent reason and the only thing they got right was the name.”)
• ‘Toe-besity’ – An apt title for a newly-defined condition that describes the curse of … fat toes. Yep, seems plastic surgeons are now offering a cosmetic procedure to slim your tootsies. You wouldn’t want to be embarrassed in your flip-flops or Summer sandals, now would you?


A team of scientists from Yale University and the University of Chile have developed a chemical that can kill all the cavity-causing bacteria in a person’s mouth … in only 60 seconds. They call it ‘Keep 32’, because using it may help you keep all 32 of your teeth for a lifetime. If the chemical is as successful in testing as it is in the lab, it’s likely that it will someday be added to toothpaste, mouthwash, and other oral hygiene products, especially if researchers sell their patent to one of the major pharmaceutical companies. (Calling all dentists, it may be time to seek a new profession!)


• What a lucky guy! An Indianapolis, Indiana man is able to perform 2 of the world’s most boring activities – watching grass grow and watching paint dry – at the same time. Timothy Birdwell keeps his lawn green by painting it. Birdwell, who works for a paint company, says the product he uses is specially designed for grass and lasts 2-to-3 months. (It can’t cost any more than watering once-a-day, a necessity this scorching Summer if you want a live lawn.)
• Koby Barhad, a Royal College of Art graduate student in the UK, has genetically engineered mice with DNA taken from … the hair of Elvis Presley. And he collected all the requirements online: An Elvis hair sample on eBay ($22); securing lab work to provide its gene sequences; and finally having it spliced into gene-tailored cloned mice to create the ‘Elvis Mouse Model’. The big question – why? The aim is apparently ‘to explore a range of philosophical and ethical issues’. (The first mice with swivelling hips.)
• A 69-year-old Glendora, California physician has been busted after a 2-month investigation that included 3 undercover deputies posing as patients. The final straw was when one of the deputies showed the good doctor an X-ray to prove she needed painkillers. The doc examined the pic and agreed, asking if she wanted Vicodin, oxycodone, Valium, or Xanax. Problem is, the X-ray was a scan of the officer’s German shepherd … clearly showing the dog’s tail. (He’ll soon be visiting fellow dope-dealer Conrad Murray in the Big House.)
– “Los Angeles Times”


The following are for real, but they’re also really dumb …
✗ ‘Beauty Smile Trainer’ – A curved chunk of plastic you place over your teeth to force the lips upward. (You can save money by putting your sports mouthguard in sideways.)
✗ ‘Bowlingual Dog Translator’ – Pooch barks in microphone, tiny screen displays what he’s saying. If this really worked it would actually be kind of terrifying. (“Woof, want your leg.”)
✗ ‘F-Cup Cookies’ – We’re not saying that eating cookies WON’T make your breasts bigger, we’re just saying that they’ll also make the rest of you bigger as well. (As in F-Cup ass.)
✗ ‘Mood Changing Dress’ – Remember ‘Mood Rings’? Well here’s an entire frock that changes color depending on your mood. (Ew, it’s turning green. You’re envious, aren’t you?)
✗ ‘Smores Maker’ – Not only does it all the fun out of traditional s’mores, it’s just a plastic box that you microwave them in. Better to spend your money on extra chocolate and marshmallows.
✗ ‘Subtle Butt’ – A pad that sticks to your underpants and claims to neutralize gas odor. (How impressive will this be when you score in a nightclub?)
✗ ‘Wake-Up-On-Time Pills’ – A delayed-release energy booster doesn’t sound THAT crazy, but a product that promises to ‘make you a Morning Person overnight’ just makes us laugh.
(And this one’s real but not for on-air … ‘Handz Off Anti-Masturbatory Gum’.)
– Condensed from


About 60% of all human diseases and 75% of all emerging infectious diseases are ‘zoonotic’, transmitted from animals. Most come from livestock such as pigs, chickens, cattle, goats, sheep, and camels.


1950 [62] Richard Branson, London UK, billionaire entrepreneur (CEO of Virgin Group since 1966)/founder of Virgin Atlantic Airways, Virgin Records, etc

1967 [45] Vin Diesel (Mark Vincent), NYC, movie actor (“Fast & Furious” films, “The Chronicles of Riddick”)

1975 [37] Daron Malakian, Glendale CA, rock singer/guitarist (System Of a Down-“Hypnotize”, “BYOB”)

1975 [37] MIA (Mathangi ‘Maya’ Arulpragasam), London UK, pop singer/songwriter/fashion designer/artist (“Paper Planes”, “Boyz”)

1980 [32] Kristen Bell, Detroit MI, movie actress (“Scream 4”, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”)/TV actress (“House of Lies” 2012, voice of “Gossip Girl” since 2007, “Veronica Mars” 2004-07)

1985 [27] Chace Crawford, Lubbock TX, TV actor (‘Nate Archibald’ on “Gossip Girl” since 2007)/movie actor (“What to Expect When You’re Expecting”)


• “Caviar Day”, saluting the mega-expensive roe (eggs) of the sturgeon fish, proving once and for all that we’ll eat just about anything if we give it an attractive name.

• “Mandela Day”, the 3rd annual international day in honor of civil rights leader and former South African president Nelson Mandela, celebrated on his birthday (July 18, 1918). The day was initiated by the United Nations in 2009.


2008 [04] ‘Batman’ sequel “The Dark Knight” opens in movie theaters, setting a record of $158 million with its opening weekend domestic box office (eventually wins Heath Ledger a posthumous Oscar for his portrayal of ‘The Joker’)


1992 [20] “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus peaks at #4 on the pop singles chart

1992 [20] Whitney Houston weds Bobby Brown at her Mendham NJ estate in front of 800 guests that include Ray Charles, Dionne Warwick, Patti LaBelle, Aretha Franklin, and Donald Trump


1994 [18] Crayola announces introduction of ‘Scented Crayons’

1980 [32] World record for ‘Catching a Grape In the Mouth’ is set at 319 feet, 8 inches (97.4 m)


[Thurs] Stick Your Tongue Out Day
[Thurs] Flitch Day
[Fri] “The Dark Knight Rises” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Moon Day
[Fri] Lollipop Day
[Sat] Celebration Of the Horse Day
[Sat] Hot Dog Day
[Sat] Woodie Wagon Day
This Week Is … Independent Retailers Week
This Month Is … Blueberries Month


The 2012 Summer Games begin a week Friday. A few events we won’t be watching …
✗ Supersoaker Trapshooting
✗ Two-Meter Dash
✗ Kick-Fencing
✗ Javelin Catch
✗ Speed Dating
✗ Scrapbooking
✗ Red Rover
✗ Awfulminton
✗ Catching a Grape In the Mouth
✗ Jumping to Conclusions


Outside every thin person there is a fat person trying to get in.


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – That old saw ‘never look a gift horse in the mouth’ will have special meaning for you today. Actually, one should never look a gift horse in either end.
• Taurus – Beauty is in the eye of the beholder … and are you ever gonna need some beholdin’ today.
• Gemini – Those floral Capri pants you insist on wearing aren’t all that bad. When that bus hits you, they’ll be the only thing that can help identify your corpse.
• Cancer – Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.
• Leo – You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar to accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
• Virgo – Your uncle gets an unfortunate visit from the narcs. Might be best to chuck that cuddly bear he got you for your birthday.
• Libra – A man wearing 2 left shoes and a shirt with only 1 sleeve will approach you today and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him … he knows what he’s doing.
• Scorpio – Have you had a will drawn up? Perhaps you should. We’re not going to give away the salacious details but you’ll find it’s simply not possible to eat 100 boiled eggs.
• Sagittarius – Nobody will notice your new haircut which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you’ve always had an iridescent green mohawk.
• Capricorn – This week your mother-in-law pops in for a quick coffee and doesn’t leave until November.
• Aquarius – Only love can break your heart … but trans-fatty acids will also have a damn good try.
• Pisces – Good time to be happy-go-lucky. You’ll find it works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you’ve been trying.


☎ When is the proper time to take off a wedding ring after a divorce?


Question: When vacationing, men use over 95% of THIS; women use about 60%.
Answer: Clothes they’ve packed.


The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.

Printer Friendly Version