Tuesday, July 19, 2011     Edition: #4552

There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

Even though Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony are ending their marriage, their new TV talent show “Q’viva! The Chosen” will apparently go on, seeking out the best young talent in Latin music (that could get awkward, but then a few fisticuffs might actually make it more watchable) . . . A request from the state of California that actor Randy Quaid & his wife Evi be extradited from Canada to face trespassing & vandalism charges has apparently been turned down (that’s Quaids 1, ‘Hollywood Star Whackers’ 0) . . . TMZ reports that ex-Mrs Charlie Sheen, 33-year-old Brooke Mueller, is in Cancun, Mexico to check into a rehab program that administers a hallucinogenic drug to ‘re-wire the brain and cure addictions’ (yeah, that’ll fix it) . . . According to Warner Bros, “Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows: Part 2” has made the ‘biggest-ever international debut’, grossing a staggering $475.6 million in 61 countries during its opening weekend . . . 21-year-old ‘Potter’ actress Emma Watson says she’s ‘thrilled’ that she will always be associated with the character ‘Hermione Granger’ (BS translation: I’m never gonna dump this albatross around my neck) . . . “Glee” star Matthew Morrison has landed his first major film role in the ensemble cast comedy “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, playing a competitor on a celebrity dance show who ends up expecting a baby with his partner (Cameron Diaz) . . . And a royal insider tells “Daily Mirror” that Britain’s 62-year-old Prince Charles thinks his son Prince William & new bride Kate are ‘over-exposed’ and ‘overshadowing’ other members of the royal family (don’t get your ears in a knot, someday you’ll be king anyway).

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Tedeschi Trucks Band (“Revelator”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Keri Hilson (“No Boys Allowed”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Theophilus London (“Timez Are Weird These Days”, released today)
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Nicole Atkins & The Black Sea (“Mondo Amore”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Emmylou Harris (“Hard Bargain”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Del McCoury Band (“Family Circle”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Hot Chelle Rae (“Tonight Tonight”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Billy Ray Cyrus (“I’m American”); Los Lonely Boys (“Rockpango Deluxe”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – 3 Doors Down (“Time of My Life”, released today).

• Adele – Her huge hit “21” has returned to the top of the album charts in Britain, where it hasn’t been out of the top 5 since its release in January. It initially spent 11 weeks at #1. (Is Adele having the career Amy Winehouse should have had?)
• Black Keys – They’ve already finished album #7, which they say will be faster and ‘more driving’ than “Brothers”, their most recent album which catapulted them into the mainstream.
• Chris Young – He says his ultimate goal is when his career is over and he’s 6-feet-under that someone will remember one of his hits and say, “That was my favorite song”. “Tomorrow” may be just that. The top 5 country hit has been certified gold for selling more than 500,000 copies.
• 50 Cent – He’s tweeted the news that he’s created a new goal for himself … feeding 1 billion people in Africa over the next 5 years. (That’s admirable, but that would be almost all of them.)
• Jennifer Lopez – Today she’s scheduled to perform at a wedding in Ukraine, for which she’s reportedly being paid $1 million. (Would you want a 2-time loser to sing at your wedding?)
• Katy Perry – She’s denying reports that claim her marriage to Russell Brand is in trouble and they’re planning a trial separation. Perry says they’re just keeping a low profile in a bid to maintain their privacy.
• Lady Gaga – Bette Midler is accusing her of stealing the ‘singing mermaid in a wheelchair’ stunt. Gaga used the bit during a show in Sydney, Australia last week, but Midler claims she’s been doing the same gimmick since 1980.
• Madonna – Her Material Girl fashion label, which she designs with 14-year-old daughter Lourdes, is expanding to include a line of nail polish, lip gloss, body sprays, and lotions next month, with eye-shadow to follow in September.
• No Doubt – Gwen Stefani is teaming up with Target stores to launch ‘Harajuku Mini’, an affordable line of clothing for babies, children, and young teens. It’s a spin-off of her ‘Harajuku Lovers’ collection.

• “Dumbstruck” ( PG Documentary ): Follows 5 ventriloquists or ‘vents’ over the course of a year to tell the story about their passion for performance and how they decided to choose life with a dummy.
• “Limitless” ( PG-13 Thriller ): Bradley Cooper plays a writer who discovers a top-secret drug that enhances intellect and other abilities. Meanwhile, a group of killers trails his every move. Co-stars Robert De Niro, Abbie Cornish, Anna Friel.
• “NHL Stanley Cup Champions 2011” ( NR Sports Doc ): Highlights from the regular hockey season, the Stanley Cup playoffs, and the final series won by the Boston Bruins.
• “Take Me Home Tonight” ( R-Rated Comedy ): Set over Labor Day Weekend in 1988, Topher Grace plays an aimless college grad who dives into a wild party in hopes of finally winning over his high-school crush (Teresa Palmer). Co-stars Anna Faris, Dan Fogler.
• “2011 NBA Champions: Dallas Mavericks” ( NR Sports Doc ): The story of the Mav’s march to the title that was filled with dramatic comebacks and memorable performances.
• Also released today: “Doctor Who: Series 6” (Brit TV); “The Girls Next Door: Season 6” (Reality TV); “The Life & Work of Claude Chabrol” (Documentary); “Melrose Place: 6th Season” (TV); “The Sound of Insects” (Documentary); and “Torchwood: The Complete Original UK Series” (Sci-Fi TV).

Weight-loss after pregnancy is a common desire for new moms, but some are taking it to a whole new level by trying to stay skinny during their actual pregnancies and losing as much weight as possible right after. The phenomenon is being termed ‘mommyrexia’, defined as moms who gain less weight than is healthy for their body type during pregnancy. The health risks include premature birth for the baby. The trend is largely driven by the desire to emulate celebrity moms like Victoria Beckham and fashion stylist Rachel Zoe who’ve somehow stayed svelte during pregnancy. (Bring back ‘child-bearing hips’!)
– CNN.com

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 69% of us eat the cake before the frosting. (It’s the opposite with an Oreo.)
• 51% of women say they’ve shed their insecurities and felt more attractive as they aged. (Another reason 50 is fine.)
• 30% of women are suspicious when they get random gifts from their man. (Likely because it’s so seldom.)
• 22% of us skip lunch daily, while 9% of us skip breakfast daily. (So how come we’re all getting fatter?)
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. (What a waste of ammo!)
• 12% of us have checked out Twitter or Facebook during a workout. (A sure sign of OCD.)

Scientists from the University of Bologna in Italy have developed software that lets vehicles ‘communicate’ with one another while on the road. Similar technology has been created before but this new version will allegedly allow vehicles to ‘know’ what’s going on further down the road. Researchers think that could help reduce traffic accidents by up to 40%. Road tests of the software will be carried out in August on the streets and highways of Los Angeles in conjunction with Toyota. (This will be really useful on the 405 –  5 miles ahead: Not moving. 10 miles ahead: Not moving. 20 miles ahead …)
– BBC News

Mysterious mental afflictions that only seem to occur in specific areas of the world …
• ‘Jiko-shisen-kyofu’ – A Japanese phobia that causes sufferers to fear that one’s own glance will displease or offend others.
• ‘Koro’ – Noted as early as 2,000 years ago in China, the sufferer of this syndrome is convinced that protruding bodily organs (ie: genitalia) are retracting or disappearing into the body.
• ‘Old Hag Syndrome’ – A type of sleep paralysis in Newfoundland in which one is visited by what appears to be a rather unpleasant old hag sitting on one’s chest at night.
• ‘Wild Man Syndrome’ – Causes New Guinean males to become hyperactive, clumsy, kleptomaniacal, and … conveniently amnesiac.
– Slate.com

• In a continent far far away, 20-year-old adventurer Jacob French is attempting to walk solo across the vast land of Australia … while wearing a ‘Stormtrooper’ outfit. He started his so-called ‘Troopertrek’ yesterday in Perth and aims to arrive in Sydney on the opposite coast by December. He admits it gets very hot because his helmet is not well ventilated. (We give him 3 days.)
– “Sydney Morning Herald”
• Retired window cleaner Ron Broomfield of Alford, England has been collecting garden gnomes for 50 years and now has 1,600 of them. The lawn ornaments have now taken over his home, both inside and out, but he loves the kitschy statues and even dresses as a gnome when he does his twice weekly grocery shopping. The value of the collection is estimated at circa $65,000. (That’s a wee fortune, isn’t it?)
– “Mail Online”

• Iron age man was into home brewing. (The reason pots were invented?)
– BBC News
• Iceland’s ‘Phallological Museum’ has over 200 different kinds of penises on display. (Kind of makes you wary of visiting doesn’t it, guys?)


1947 [64] Brian May, Hampton UK, classic rock guitarist (Queen-“Bohemian Rhapsody”, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”)/songwriter who collects royalties each time “We Will Rock You” is played at a sports event

1960 [51] Atom Egoyan, Cairo, Egypt, Toronto-based film director (“Where the Truth Lies”, “The Sweet Hereafter”)/4 awards each at Cannes Film Festival & Toronto International Film Festival/Order of Canada (1999)

1974 [37] Jason McGerr, Seattle WA, indie-rock drummer (Death Cab for Cutie-“You Are a Tourist”, “Soul Meets Body”)

1982 [29] Jared Padalecki, San Antonio TX, TV actor (‘Sam Winchester’ on “Supernatural” since 2005)

• “Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day”. Almost anyone can make one, but almost everyone does it a bit differently. What’s your secret trick?

• “Flitch Day”, based on a custom begun in the 15th century in which monks offered a ‘flitch’ or side of bacon as a prize to any married couple who could prove they had lived together in harmony and fidelity for the past year. Very few got the chance to ‘take home the bacon’.

• “Stick Your Tongue Out Day”, for some long forgotten reason. But now that you have it out, try rolling it into a cylinder … only 1-in-14 of us can do that!

1961 [50] TWA (Trans World Airlines) shows the first-ever ‘In-Flight Movie’ (“In Love Possessed”, starring Lana Turner & Efrem Zimbalist Jr)

1996 [15] Celine Dion sings “The Power Of the Dream” at opening ceremonies for the “Atlanta Summer Games”, largest in the Olympics’ 100-year history with 197 nations participating

1999 [12] 1st triplets born live on the Internet (Desirae, Deanna & Christopher Diaz at Good Samaritan Medical Center in Phoenix AZ)

2003 [08] During a 14-hour surgery at Vienna’s General Hospital, a 42-year-old Austrian man receives the world’s 1st ‘Transplanted Tongue’

1992 [19] Paul Lynch sets new world record by doing 40,401 pushups in 24 hours (London UK)

1994 [17] ‘Largest Bubble-Gum Bubble’ measures 23 inches (58 cm) in diameter (Fresno, California)

[Wed] Moon Day
[Wed] Lollipop Day
[Wed] Fortune Cookie Day
[Thurs] Junk Food Day
[Fri] Capital Ex begins (Edmonton)
[Fri] “Captain America: The First Avenger”; “Friends With Benefits” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Space Week
This Month Is … Tahiti Awareness Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, by the time you find yours all the good shapes and sizes will be taken.
• Taurus – Good day to take up knitting … on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
• Gemini – People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. They’re undoubtedly just jealous.
• Cancer – A good day to express yourself in a non-flamboyant and unexciting way. Buy a nice brooch.
• Leo – Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong … you haven’t been that flexible in years.
• Virgo – Your life may seem boring compared to others, however, you do have a really nice lawnmower.
• Libra – Stop accepting responsibility for your own life! Everything is actually the fault of politicians and the media.
• Scorpio – Just because people laugh at you doesn’t make you a comedian … just dressed funny.
• Sagittarius – Try not to get the wrong end of the stick today … especially the pointy end.
• Capricorn – Most people avoid you, dogs won’t bite you, and even mosquitos leave you alone. Time to ask for your charm school tuition back?
• Aquarius – Today your cup runneth over. Then you’ll have to moppeth it up.
• Pisces – Just to be on the safe side, never look a gift horse in either end.

What’s your most creative way to keep cool in the summer heat? How about …
– Visit the frozen food aisle at the supermarket. Lie down on the peas.
– Put a wet handkerchief on the back of your neck. It could start a new fashion fad!
– Run cold water over each of your wrists for 10 seconds. It will reduce your temperature for roughly an hour.
– Go downstairs to your basement and lay on the floor.
– Soak a t-shirt in the sink, wring it out, put it on, and sit in a lawn chair.
– Install mint suppositories.

Fashion Rule #1: Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Today’s Question: 9-out-of-10 households have one of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A junk drawer. (What’s in yours that’s truly odd?)

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

Printer Friendly Version