Monday, July 2, 2012        Edition: #4777

Get a Load Of This Sheet!

• Actress Katie Holmes has recruited a team of top lawyers who specialize in high-profile divorces as she prepares for a battle royal with actor-hubby Tom Cruise. Cruise was reportedly blindsided by his wife’s decision to end their 5-year marriage and his publicist admits he’s yet to figure out who will represent him as he fights for custody of their daughter Suri. Holmes has requested sole legal custody and ‘primary residential custody’ of their 6-year-old.
• As expected, 54-year-old actor Alec Baldwin wed 28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas Saturday evening at NYC’s historic St Patrick’s Old Cathedral. The ceremony included readings in Spanish in recognition of the bride’s upbringing in Spain. Guests included Baldwin’s actor-brothers, his daughter Ireland (from his marriage to actress Kim Basinger), his “30 Rock” co-star Tina Fey, director Woody Allen, and “Law & Order SVU” actress Mariska Hargitay.
• Aging entertainer Cher has caused controversy by using a derogatory term in a Twitter attack on US presidential hopeful Mitt Romney. The tweet suggests Democrats need to get their act together for the November election or risk having, quote: “The whitest man in magic underwear in the White House.” Some adult members of the Mormon Church wear special underclothing known simply as a ‘garment’. The term ‘magic underwear’ is considered offensive.
• 50 Cent is crediting his kitted-out SUV for saving him from serious injury when rear-ended by a Mack truck on the Long Island Expressway last Tuesday. Speaking to MTV News, the rapper-actor says the semi suffered the bulk of the damage because his vehicle has been upgraded to ‘Level 6’, a security standard that includes bullet-proofing and resistance to collision damage. Fiddy claims it’s the same standard as the vehicles used to transport US president Obama.
– Contactmusic,com
• And sorta famous person Tori Spelling has revealed she likes to dress up her … pet chicken.
Quote: “She is white and fluffy and is often mistaken for a poodle! I call her a pocket chicken because she loves to be held and go places with me. I make her outfits to mimic my vintage dresses. I turn vintage brooches into fascinators for her. Right now I’m knitting her a chicken poncho for those cool Summer nights.”
– QMI Agency

• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – 12 of the top 48 acts perform.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Cake (“Showroom of Compassion”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Temper Trap (“The Temper Trap”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Wallpaper (“Doodoo Face”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Alabama Shakes (“Boys & Girls”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros (“Here”). Rerun.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Katy Perry (“Katy Perry: Part of Me”); Needtobreathe (“The Reckoning”). Rerun.


• Adele – She’s announced on her official website that she is pregnant with her first child, via boyfriend Simon Konecki. Quote: “I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time.”
• Blur – Today the Brit band debuts 2 new songs written for the upcoming August concert at the close of the London Olympics. The special rooftop performance airs live online after the secret rooftop location is revealed via Twitter.
• Bob Seger – A 20-year-old friend of the classic rocker’s daughter has been arrested and charged with stealing cash, a Rolex watch, sneakers autographed by Shaquille O’Neal, and Seger’s 1978 Gibson Les Paul guitar. The theft apparently occurred after a party at Seger’s home. The guitar has been recovered.
• Katy Perry – Today advance showings of her new 3-D movie “Katy Perry: Part of Me” screen  in 100 selected theaters across North America, 3 days before the film’s wide release. A special hashtag (#KP3D Movie Sneak) directs fans to where to buy tickets for a sneak peak.
• Lauryn Hill – She’s pleaded guilty to tax evasion and could be facing up to 3 years in jail. She failed to file 3-years-worth of taxes on income over $1.5 million, but her attorney claims she was only targeted by the government due to ‘being a celebrity’. Um, that’s stretching it, isn’t it?
• One Direction – The British boy-band is working on a new album, having already recorded tracks in London and LA. Niall Horan tells MTV they’ll be spending all of July and August getting the album done and a lead single may be released in September.

A new iPhone app claims to calculate the amount of time a woman has left in real time before she becomes infertile. All women need to do to work the ‘Wonder Clock’ is enter their birth date and the clock starts counting down, indicating how many years, months, weeks, hours, minutes, and seconds they have left as potential child bearers. Calculating fertility in such a stark way might seem unpalatable to some but the inventor, Oregon-based artist Mira Kaddoura, believes her device is empowering and blows open the taboos that surround the topic. (What we really need is a ‘Life Clock’ app.)


July is “Ice Cream Month”. A few ice cream facts …
● Possibly invented around 200 BC by the Chinese, who mixed snow with milk and rice.
● Roman Emperor Nero Claudius Caesar was served a dessert made of snow and fruit juices.
● Explorer Marco Polo returned to Europe from the Far East with a recipe for an ice and milk dessert that became popular among the wealthy.
● The ‘portable hand-cranked ice cream freezer’ was invented in 1846.
● The ice cream cone was invented in 1904 and presented at the St Louis World’s Fair.
● In 1977, Dennett D’Angelo set a world record by eating 3 lbs, 6 ozs … in 90 seconds.


Among the many outcomes of a massive environmental disaster could be a shortage of drinking water. Japanese design studio Takram has developed the ‘Hydrolemic System’ to combat that. It’s a series of electronic devices that work like a new set of organs to make the human body capable of harvesting moisture from the air, meaning the average human would only need to drink 1-10th of a cup of water a day to survive. The kit includes nose inserts that convert the air we breathe into water, other inserts for the renal and digestive systems to maintain water, and a neck collar to prevent perspiration by turning body heat into electricity. (You might survive, but you’d look like a total freak!)


● A poll of political consultants finds that 44% have at least once helped elect someone they were later sorry to see serve in office. (So do they give back the massive fees they collect?)
● According to a “Bride’s Magazine” survey of newlyweds, 67% report more sex before marriage than after. (Gee, what a surprise.)
● In a “Health” magazine poll, a 3rd of pet owners say they turn on radio or TV to keep their beasts company when they leave home. (When’s the last time you spoke directly to this huge chunk of your audience?)


Where do satellites go when they die? A lot of them remain in orbit, cluttering up the atmosphere. DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency of the US Department of Defense, is working on taking apart disused satellites in orbit and using them to build low-cost ‘communications farms’ in space. If successful, the program called ‘Phoenix’ would create a new network of low-cost communications to be used by soldiers in the field. There are many technological challenges, but DARPA is already looking for a dead satellite that can be used for testing. (If more and more satellites keep going up, aren’t we eventually going to have a ceiling?)


Real products that have no real reason for existing …
✗ ‘The Wine Glass Holder Necklace’ – For people whose weak arm strength constantly stands in the way of their social alcoholism.
✗ ‘Hot-Dog-Shaped Hamburger Maker’ – Who needs this unless you bought hot dog buns but forgot to buy hamburger buns? Go back to the store, lazybones!
✗ ‘The Dipr Cookie-Dunking Utensil’ – We already have the perfect tool for dunking an Oreo … it’s called fingers.
✗ ‘The Lime Bomber Lime Wedge Bottle Insertion Tool’ – Unless your osteo-arthritis is really acting up, almost anyone can easily cram a wedge of lime into the neck of a Corona.
✗ ‘Ideaworks Bed Maker’ – A piece of plastic with a directional handle that’s supposed to help slip the sheet neatly under the mattress. Works great … if the entire bed is coated in Vaseline.
✗ ‘The Booty Wrap’ – Something with pockets to tie around the waist instead of a sweatshirt or jacket … which people only do because it’s too warm to wear them. A solution to a non-problem.
✗ ‘Lobob Soft Contact Insertion/Removal Kit’ – As if touching your eyes with your fingers isn’t creepy enough, here’s a set of grabby and pokey tools to shove in them. Aghhh!
✗ ‘The Butter Mill’ – The pepper mill seems so handy, why wouldn’t this be? You load an entire stick of butter, then press the plunger to ejaculate a ribbon of butter up to 10-feet-long. Huh?
– Condensed from


Cutting-edge tech to clean up oil spills is being invented all the time, but most solutions rely on a mechanical gadget to pump the muck out of the water. Researchers at the University of Bristol are trying something else – using chemistry to make the oil magnetic, so that it can be pulled out of the water with magnets. They’ve created an emulsifier that coats spilled oil and makes it respond to magnetism. Once the emulsifier is in place, the oil can be removed using a large magnetic field. Since the water is not coated, it remains behind while the oil is pulled out. (The good news – the oil spill is gone. The bad news – the giant electro-magnet also sucked up 3 freighters and a tugboat.)


The tastiest tomatoes are not uniformly red.
– “The Economist”


1947 [65] Larry David, Brooklyn NY, TV actor/director (“Curb Your Enthusiasm” since 2000)/TV producer/writer (co-creator of “Seinfeld” 1990-98)

1949 [63] Roy Bittan, Queens NY, rock keyboardist (Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band)

1983 [29] Michelle Branch, Flagstaff AZ, country singer (The Wreckers-“Leave the Pieces”)/pop singer (w/Santana-“The Game of Love”)

1985 [27] Ashley Tisdale, West Deal NJ, movie/TV actress (“High School Musical” films, “Hellcats” 2010-11)  COMING UP: “Scary Movie 5” (2013).

1986 [26] Lindsay Lohan, NYC, famous train wreck/movie actress (“Machete”, “Mean Girls”)/multi-visit rehab veteran  UP NEXT: Plays screen legend Elizabeth Taylor in the currently-shooting TV movie “Liz & Dick”.


• “Be Nice to People You Don’t Like Day”. Just for one day … then tomorrow you can go back to being the grouchy old boor you usually are.

• “I Forgot Day”, set aside to make up for all the birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions that you forgot to acknowledge over the past year. (What’s the lamest excuse anyone ever laid on you?)

• “World UFO Day”, a day in which individuals and groups are encouraged to gather together to watch the skies for unidentified flying objects.

1997 [15] Sci-fi comedy “Men in Black”, starring Will Smith & Tommy Lee Jones, opens in movie theaters (eventually spawns 2 sequels, including 2012’s “MIB3”)


2005 [07] The “Live 8” concerts are held simultaneously all over the world to benefit impoverished African nations, featuring performances by Stevie Wonder, Elton John, Brian Wilson, Chuck Berry, Neil Young, Paul McCartney, The Who, and a reunited Pink Floyd, among dozens of others


1992 [20] Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones becomes a grandfather for the 1st time with the birth of ‘Assisi Lola Jackson’ by his daughter Jade  BS FACTOID: Assisi was a bridesmaid at mom Jade’s wedding to DJ Adrian Fillary on Saturday.

1994 [08] Columbian soccer team member Andres Escobar is killed outside a bar in Colombia for deflecting a ball into his own goal in a June 22nd loss to the United States in the World Cup


1992 [20] Chevrolet builds the 1 millionth Corvette sports car (purchased by a balding, overweight 55-year-old man wishing to relive his youth)

2002 [10] Adventurer Steve Fossett becomes the first to fly solo around-the-world nonstop in a balloon (later disappears during a 2007 flight and is declared legally dead in 2008)


[Tues] “The Amazing Spider-Man” opens in movie theaters
[Tues] Full ‘Thunder’ Moon
[Tues] Compliment Your Mirror Day
[Tues] Stay Out Of the Sun Day
[Wed] Independence Day (USA)
[Wed] Independence From Meat Day


Be Nice to New Jersey Week / Unassisted Homebirth Week


A highlight bit culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
✓ Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
✓ Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
✓ Neither understands what you see in cats.
✓ The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
✓ Neither does any dishes.
– First published in “BS” 1997.


I’ve got a memory for faces, but in this case I’ll make an exception.

Who’s quoted as saying, “Don’t you dare put me on a pedestal. I’m just a regular old human being.”
a. George Clooney.
b. Reba McEntire. [CORRECT]
c. Queen Elizabeth II.

☎ The year’s officially half over. What’s the song-of-the-year so far?


Question: According to a recent survey, THIS is the secret to a perfect pizza.
Answer: Grease.

When all is said and done, more is usually said than done.

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