Friday, July 22, 2011     Edition: #4555

Thanks For Being a Bull Market!

Paris Hilton has traded in her $375,000-yellow Lexus LFA convertible (only 500 exist) for a white version because the original was a 30th birthday gift from ex-boyfriend Cy Waits, whom she’s trying to forget (silly girl, you could have had it painted at Maaco  for a hundred bucks) . . . Meantime, Hilton stormed out of an ABC News interview when the reporter dared to ask her about her reality TV show’s ratings compared with those of her former BFF, Kim Kardashian . . . Speaking of whom, 31-year-old Kardashian is suing Old Navy over alleged use of a lookalike model (Toronto-born Melissa Molinaro) in clothing ads, her case citing ‘the benchmarks of modern celebrity’: 8 million Twitter followers; 5 million+ Facebook fans (and zero measurable talent) . . . George Clooney’s ex, Elisabetta Canalis, is cashing in bigtime on sponsorship and TV deals in Italy said to be worth $10 million, and is said to be eyeing even bigger deals in the US (she’s dateless but not desperate) . . . Dr Teeth & The Electric Mayhem, a Muppet-themed bar, has opened in San Francisco, serving ‘infantilized pub food’, ie: fried chicken with a jelly doughnut (what, no C-O-O-K-I-E?) . . . MTV’s “Jersey Shore” star Snooki is reportedly in talks to compete on ABC-TV’s “Dancing With the Stars” (is there a male partner who’s short enough?) . . . 37-year-old actress Alyson Hannigan (“How I Met Your Mother”) has been named ‘Female Celebrity Ambassador’ for Head & Shoulders and will also spearhead the beauty brand’s online advice manual for women, “The Good Girlfriend Guide” (interesting how they’re taking dandruff shampoo upmarket) . . . “Glee” star Lea Michele will debut songs she’s recorded for the animated movie “Dorothy Of Oz” (2012) at Comic-Con in San Diego, California this weekend . . . According to X17 Online, actress Jennifer Aniston & boyfriend Justin Theroux are house-hunting, visiting up to 6 Beverly Hills mansions a day, and have even looked at Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi’s home, which has been on the market since June for a reported $60 million (and you carp about your mortgage payment) . . . And Charlie Sheen’s 24-year-old ex-‘goddess’ Bree Olsen tells “The Sun” she left the 45-year-old unemployed actor in part because he’s a ‘two-a-day kind of guy’ and had trouble keeping up as her insatiable appetite makes her happier ‘having it 19 times-a-day’ (OMG, that must have been hell for him!)

• “American Masters” (PBS) – Tonight a look at John Lennon’s life with his family in NYC.
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – This morning Goo Goo Dolls (“Something For the Rest Of Us”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight The Knux (“Remind Me in 3 Days”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Tonight Bon Jovi (“Bon Jovi Greatest Hits: Ultimate Collection”).
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host Amy Poehler (“Parks & Recreation”); musical guest Katy Perry (“Teenage Dream”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – This morning Cee-Lo Green (“The Lady Killer”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Dolly Parton (“Better Day”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Today 1960s pop act The Monkees.

• Blake Shelton – His 6th album, “Red River Blue”, has become his first #1 on the “Billboard” all-genre album chart, according to Nielsen SoundScan. (Seems “The Voice” really goosed his career!)
• Britney Spears – According to former bodyguard Fernando Flores, she not only refuses to wash for days, but ‘breaks wind and picks her nose unselfconsciously’. He’s suing her for harassment, claiming she ‘repeatedly exposed herself’ and made ‘unwanted sexual advances’ toward him.
• Dolly Parton – Tonight & Saturday she’s playing LA’s famous Hollywood Bowl, her first full concerts at the hillside amphitheater in a career that has spanned nearly a half-century.
• Maroon 5 / Train – Tonight they kick off a 40-date+ co-headlining North America tour in Chula Vista, California. Gavin DeGraw is the opening act on the tour’s first leg.
• R Kelly – He’s thanked fans for their messages of support and promised ‘he will be back’ after undergoing emergency throat surgery. He had to have an abscess in a tonsil drained after days of severe pain. (Right … so how’s your breakfast?)
• Willie Nelson – Tonight he’s presented the ‘Visionary Award’ at a gathering of environmental non-profit groups Amazon Watch and Sustainable Biodiesel Alliance in San Francisco. Nelson formed Willie Nelson Biodiesel Co to distribute his own biodiesel fuel called BioWillie in 2006.

• “Captain America: The First Avenger” ( PG-13 Action Adventure ): Chris Evans suits up as the shield-wielding hero who is transformed from a weakling into a star-spangled do-gooder during WW2, then pitted against his Nazi counterpart, ‘The Red Skull’ (Hugo Weaving). Can a hero even more square than ‘Superman’ overcome comic-book movie fatigue?.
• “Friends With Benefits” ( R-Rated Romantic Comedy ): What would “No Strings Attached” have been like with Justin Timberlake & Mila Kunis instead of Ashton Kutcher & Natalie Portman? We’re about to find out as they play a pair of professionals who embark on a ‘no-getting-serious’ physical relationship.

Many of us have experienced the heartbreak of water-related electronics tragedies. From cellphones dropped in the toilet to laptops caught in the rain, getting your electronics wet used to spell destruction. Enter the ‘Bheestie’, an airtight plastic pouch that sucks … in a good way. Its peppercorn-sized pellets purportedly act like molecular sieves, absorbing moisture that’s managed to get inside your device. After 24 hours, goes the company claim, the beads will extract about twice as much water as a cup of uncooked rice … a common DIY method for saving soggy gadgets. (Why not develop a waterproof cellphone … is that so difficult?)
– “Wired Magazine”

Because they’re likely to get lifted, bookstores frequently shelve these titles behind the counter …
– Anything by Charles Bukowski.
– Anything by William S Burroughs.
– “On the Road” by Jack Kerouac.
– “The New York Trilogy” by Paul Auster.
– Anything by Martin Amis.
Honorable mentions: “Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas” by Hunter S Thompson; anything by Don DeLillo; “The Virgin Suicides” by Jeffrey Eugenides; and, appropriately … “Steal This Book” by Abbie Hoffman.
– “Publishers Weekly”

Lynea Lattanzio wanted her own cat when she was little but her mother said no. Now she has … over 700. Founder & owner of California’s largest no-cage, no-kill cat sanctuary, Lattanzio lives with hundreds of cats. Each day brings a new set of challenges to her refuge on 12 acres in central California – boxes of abandoned kittens, emergency CPR, or meds for sick strays. It just may be the largest cat rescue facility anywhere. (She seems like a good person but … bet you can smell her from a mile off!)

Actual signs spotted posted here and there around-the-world …
• “Road Unsafe When Under Water”
• “No Horn Blowing … Except for Anger”
• “Danger: Water in Pool”
• “This Is a Private Sign … Please Do Not Read”
• “If Door Does Not Open, Do Not Enter”
• “Touching Wires Causes Instant Death … $200 Fine”
• “Lane Closed to Ease Congestion”
• “Caution: This Sign Has Sharp Edges”
• “No Signs!”

This week more than 4,500 Indonesian couples tied the knot at a Jarkarta sports stadium in what the event’s organizers claim was the ‘World’s Largest Interfaith Wedding Event’. The couples were married in Islamic, Catholic, Protestant, Buddhist, and Hindu ceremonies … each participating in whichever rites were appropriate. (Must have sounded like bedlam!)

Heat waves do more than make us cross and sluggish. Soaring temperatures kill more people in the US than hurricanes, lightning, tornadoes, floods, and earthquakes … combined.
– “Chicago Tribune”


1940 [71] Alex Trebek, Sudbury ON, TV game show host (“Jeopardy!” since 1984)

1946 [65] Danny Glover, San Francisco CA, movie actor (“Dreamgirls”, “Lethal Weapon” films)

1947 [64] Albert Brooks (Einstein), Beverly Hills CA, movie actor (“Finding Nemo”, “Broadcast News”)

1947 [64] Don Henley, Linden TX, classic rock musician (“Boys of Summer”, The Eagles-“Hotel California”)

1955 [56] Willem Dafoe, Appleton WI, movie actor (“Spider-Man” films, “The Aviator”)

1964 [47] David Spade, Birmingham MI, TV actor (“Rules of Engagement” since 2007, “8 Simple Rules” 2004-05, “Just Shoot Me” 1997-2003)/movie actor (“The Benchwarmers”)

1973 [38] Rufus Wainwright, Rhinebeck NY [raised Montréal], singer-songwriter (“Hallelujah”, “Rules & Regulations”)/son of folk singers Kate McGarrigle & Loudon Wainwright III

1992 [19] Selena Gomez, Grand Prairie TX, pop singer (Selena Gomez & The Scene-“Who Says”)/TV actress (‘Alex Russo’ on “Wizards of Waverly Place” since 2007)/pop star Justin Bieber’s girlfriend

Radio personality Don Imus is 71; Movie actor Woody Harrelson (“White Men Can’t Jump”) is 50; Rock guitarist Slash (ex-Velvet Revolver, Guns N’ Roses) is 46; Movie actor Philip Seymour Hoffman (“Capote”) is 44; Country-bluegrass singer Alison Krauss (“Raising Sand”) is 40; Rock bassist Jonathan Gallant (Billy Talent-“Rusted From the Rain”) is 35; Rock drummer-guitarist-vocalist Steve Jocz (Sum 41-“Pieces”) is 30; TV actor Paul Wesley (“The Vampire Diaries”) is 29; Movie actor Daniel Radcliffe (“Harry Potter” films) is 22.

Broadway-TV actress-singer Kristin Chenoweth (“Promises, Promises”) is 42; Pop singer-TV personality Jennifer Lopez (“American Idol”) is 41; TV actor Eric Szmanda (“CSI”) is 35); TV actress Anna Paquin (“True Blood”) is 28.

• “Capital EX”, through July 31st in Edmonton. This year’s entertainment includes Big Sugar, Blue Oyster Cult, Doc Walker, Down With Webster, Finger Eleven, Marianas Trench, Natasha Bedingfield, Terri Clark, The Trews, and Wide Mouth Mason.
• “Collingwood Elvis Festival” through Sunday in Collingwood ON, which includes street dances, an Elvis parade, and swap sessions. It culminates with the ‘Elvis Tribute Artist Competition’.
• “Hammock Day”, honoring the most relaxing thing you can swing between 2 trees. It’s the perfect excuse to slow down and loaf during the ‘Dog Days of Summer’.

• “Day Of the Cowboy”, the 7th annual initiative to preserve Western heritage.
• “Gorgeous Grandma Day”, honoring every kid’s favorite spoiler.
• “Hot Enough For Ya? Day”, when it should be legal to assault anyone who asks you that overused, plain-as-the-end-of-your-sweat-dripping-nose question.

• “Baseball Hall of Fame Induction” in Cooperstown NY. 2011 inductees are World Series-winning GM Pat Gillick, 12-time All-Star 2nd baseman Roberto Alomar, and 287-game winning pitcher Bert Blyleven.
• “Cousins Day”, to honor all cousins who are living and pay homage to those who aren’t.
• “Drive-Thru Day”, honoring all businesses that allow you to shop without leaving your vehicle. There are drive-thru banks, coffee shops, fast-food restaurants, florists, ice cream bars, liquor stores, marriage chapels (Las Vegas), and pharmacies. And in the Netherlands … brothels!
• “Parents’ Day”, celebrated annually on the 4th Sunday of July to salute parents ‘whose devotion strengthens society and forms the foundation for a bright future’. (Is there a kid anywhere who’ll actually claim to have parents like this?)
• “Tell an Old Joke Day”, a good excuse to open up your phone lines and have listeners tell their best joke … but only if they’re under 5-years-old.
• “Tequila Day”, celebrating Mexico’s national booze that’s become increasingly popular in other drinks beside margaritas. But we still like it the old fashioned way: A little salt, a slice of lime, and … hay carumba!

1979 [32] ‘Sony Walkman’ debuts (precursor of the iPod)

1999 [12] 1st version of ‘MSN Messenger’ is released by Microsoft

1979 [32] 1st pro golfer to shoot below his age (67-year-old Sam Snead shoots a 66)

1989 [22] Youngest pilot to fly around-the-world (11-year-old Tony Aliengena, San Juan Capistrano, California)

[Mon] “Dish Nation” premieres (FOX)
[Mon] Merry-Go-Round Day
[Tues] All or Nothing Day
[Tues] Aunt & Uncle Day
[Tues] Coffee Milkshake Day
This Week Is … Captive Nations Week
This Month Is … Cellphone Courtesy Month


• You’ve updated your Facebook status to ‘moist’.
• You go out to dinner with J-Lo & Mark Anthony just to enjoy the chill.
• You just checked into a Mexican hospital to have your blood replaced with Slurpees.
• You’re going to visit your mother-in-law in hopes of getting the cold shoulder.
• You’ve signed a contract to be cryogenically frozen … immediately.
• You’ve been attending random funerals just to enjoy the air conditioning.
• You’ve been putting Popsicles someplace other than your mouth.
• You just killed a guy for asking, “Hot enough for ya?”

What’s your strategy for keeping the seat next to you empty on an airplane?

Every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.

Today’s Question: 4-out-10 of us are more likely to buy a product if it has THIS on the package.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A picture of an animal.

History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.

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