Monday, July 25, 2016 – Edition: #5781

Bully For You!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★ Has Amber Heard moved on from Johnny Depp to Elon Musk? Sources say she’s known the Tesla inventor for years, but has been hanging out a lot more with him over the past few months. They’re said to have spent time at one another’s homes; Heard has been to Musk’s office; and she and her sister were at his Miami FL hotel bungalow last weekend. Musk is in the midst of divorcing his wife Talulah … for the 2nd time. For the record, all rumor of anything other than a friendship is being denied.
– TMZ.com
★ Jake Gyllenhaal, who made his Broadway debut last year in “Constellations” with Ruth Wilson, is returning to star in Lanford Wilson’s acclaimed play “Burn This”. The Academy Award nominee from “Brokeback Mountain” and “Nightcrawler” is also participating in a milestone of sorts as the play will be the first at the re-opened Hudson Theatre in almost 50 years. Gyllenhaal’s co-star hasn’t yet been announced. Performances begin in February 2017.
– AP
★ The “Divergent” film franchise finalé, “Ascendant”, is skipping cinemas and being produced as a TV movie, with the possibility of a spin-off series. Based on a trilogy of young-adult novels by Veronica Roth, the “Divergent” series is set in a post-apocalyptic society where people are divided into factions based on their personality types. Shailene Woodley, Theo James, Ansel Elgort starred in the first 3 films, but it is not yet known whether they’ll return for the TV finalé.
– “Variety”
★ And this Fall actress Katey Sagal is playing Kaley Cuoco’s mom on “The Big Bang Theory” (CBS). The former “Sons of Anarchy star is no stranger to playing Kaley’s onscreen mother as the two co-starred in the family sitcom “8 Simple Rules” from 2002-05. Kaley is also getting a new brother, played by former “30 Rock” actor Jack McBrayer. “The Big Bang Theory” is returning to the CBS-TV schedule with Season 10 beginning September 19th.
– WENN.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• Democratic National Convention (ABC/CBS/NBC/PBS) – Celebrities showing their support for presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton this week in Philadelphia PA include Alicia Keys, America Ferrara, Chloë Grace Moretz, Debra Messing, Demi Lovato, Eva Longoria, Jason Collins, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Lena Dunham, Michelle Obama, Star Jones and Tony Goldwyn.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Empress Of (“Systems”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Lenny Kravitz (“Strut”); Yuna (“Chapters”).
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – Ryan Adams (“1989″).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The top 9 contestants perform for the judges.
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – G-Easy f/Tory Lanez (“When It’s Dark Out”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Haim – They’ve cancelled their upcoming European tour to focus on finishing their anticipated sophomore album. The band had been slated to play a number of European festivals.
• Iggy Azalea – She’s announced on Instagram that her production company Azalea Street has inked a deal with NBCUniversal to create content for the network. So, it seems, Iggy is now an Executive Producer … of something.
• Miike Snow – Tonight in Omaha NE he begins a North American headline tour in support of the album “iii”. Dates are scheduled through August 12th in Vancouver BC.
• My Chemical Romance – They may be teasing a reunion via social media. They’ve debuted a new logo and a video clip with a waving flag and an ominous date of September 23, 2016. Fans have noted that’s the 10th anniversary of their hit album “Welcome To the Black Parade”.
• Paul McCartney – After selling 700 million albums worldwide he’s been awarded the Official Charts Company’s ‘Record Breaker Award’, which recognizes him as the UK’s most successful album act of all-time. He’s recorded 22 #1 albums over a music career that spans 6 decades.
• Rihanna – She’s checking into A&E’s “Bates Motel” taking on the role of ‘Marion Crane, the iconic character played by Janet Leigh in Alfred Hitchcock’s horror film “Psycho”. The drama’s upcoming Season 5 will be its last.
• Willie Nelson – He’s making a premium cannabis brand called ‘Willie’s Reserve’ available in Colorado and Washington weed stores. He celebrated the launch with a Saturday show in Redmond WA and plays another July 30th in Greenwood CO.

PROFOUND PROMISES IN MUSIC:
The defining lyric of Justin Bieber’s new love song “Cold Water” f/Major Lazer and MO is “I will jump into cold water for you”. As musical proclamations of love go, it doesn’t rank that highly really. Witness …
✓ The Proclaimers (“500 Miles”) – They “would walk 500 miles”. Well, they’d actually walk a total of thousand miles … just to fall down at your door.
✓ Prince (“I Would Die 4 U”) – He cares so much he “would die for you”, a much more romantic proposition than jumping in cold water. And talk about following through …
✓ Foster the People (” I Would Do Anything For You”) – They would “give it up” for you (whatever that means). In fact, they would “do anything” for you.
✓ Bruno Mars (Grenade”) – For you? He would “catch a grenade”, he’d “throw his hand on a blade”, he’d “jump in front of a train”. Bathe in cold water? Lame.
✓ James Blunt (“I973″) – He would “call you up every Saturday night and stay up with you until the morning light”. So which is better … and less soggy?
✓ Lil Wayne (“With You”) – He would “rip his heart out”. Another fairly bloody promise but a sweet sentiment, is it not?
✓ Meatloaf w/Lorraine Crosby (“I’d Do Anything for Love, But I Won’t Do That”) – OK, the guy obviously cares but won’t go near the water … perhaps a non-swimmer?
– Adapted from Telegraph.co.uk

BOTTOMS UP, BABY:
Couples who drink together are happier together, according to a new study. Researchers have found that couples over age 50 report better marriages if both partners drink alcohol. But if one partner drinks and the other doesn’t, they’re more likely to feel unsatisfied in their marriage. It’s been found that the amount people drink doesn’t really affect the quality of their relationship … as long as neither partner drinks to excess. But before you start downing the hooch, there’s an important caveat to those results. The same relationship-boosting effects apply when neither partner drinks alcohol. So you’ll have as happy a relationship if you abstain together as if you drink together. (Do not, however, shoe-shop together.)
– GlobalNews.ca

THINGS ONLY PEOPLE WHO HATE HOT WEATHER UNDERSTAND:
• You decide that the best way to avoid becoming a walking cooked tomato is just to stay indoors and wait for the blazing heat to pass. Now you’re a recluse.
• You obsessively check weather forecasts, longing to see the color code of deep red turn to dark orange. At least it would be some relief.
• Sweat is everywhere. Places on your body that you forgot were even there start to perspire in ways you never thought possible.
• You panic buy ice cream and cold drinks. In fact, it becomes your entire diet … you refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been chilled for hours.
• Traveling on public transport is like getting on the handcart to hell.
• You’ve invested a fortune in fans. You might even contemplate one of the mega-expensive Dyson fans as it seems to be the only one that doesn’t just circulate hot air around the room.
• You regret that one day in December last year when you complained that it was too cold. Never again will you take freezing temperatures for granted.
• You snap at everyone. Especially those who ask how you’re enjoying the weather. It’s a good job you’re too hot to kick them in the shin.
• So to summarize – you’re sweating, tired, snappy, smelly, burnt, queasy, sticky, unable to sleep, uncomfortable, moan-y and – worst of all – you can’t quit complaining.
– Metro.co.uk

BS AMAZING CRITTER FACTS:
• Bees spit water at each other in hot weather.
– “New Scientist”
• Whales grieve for friends and relatives and hold vigils.
– “National Geographic”
• Mosquitoes carrying malaria are repelled by chickens.
– Gizmodo.com

HAVE WE REACHED PEAK APP?
Pokémon Go may be a sensation, but the novelty of the App Store may be over. Veteran tech journalist Walt Mossberg says he’s just deleted half his iPhone apps … and you should too. The App Store was new and brilliant 8 years ago but now, he says, it’s old and dull. And so is Google Play. The novelty has worn off for many, as evidenced by a 2014 study that found most smartphone users didn’t download any apps during the average month. There are too many redundant apps and so many overall that it’s tough finding the ones worth your time. That’s why Mossberg recently deleted 54% of the apps on his phone. He recommends only keeping those that have made it into the ‘toolkit of your life’. (Most devices now come with integrated apps. Why add?)
– ReCode.net

BURN LIST:
People are tweeting the worst backhanded compliments they’ve ever received. A few of the more amusing …
✗ “You’re going to make some lucky cat very happy one day.”
✗ “I wish I had the nerve to just let myself go, like you two have.”
✗ “Your band sounds like Nickelback.”
✗ “You have that ‘Trumpesque’ quality to you.”
✗ “You must have been really beautiful when you were younger.”
✗ “You’re so pale … you’d have been really attractive in the 1500s.”
✗ “I think you look SO much better without makeup!”
✗ “I’m proud of how your life is going. I never thought I’d say that. XOXO Mom”
✗ “I wish I was like you and didn’t care about what I looked like.”
✗ [Discretion] “You’re dick is perfect… a big one is actually uncomfortable.”
– #CrappyCompliments @ Midnight on Comedy Central

DID YOU KNOW?
• People are selling their smartphone-shot videos of shootings to licensing companies … for a profit share. (These ghouls have always existed, it’s just now they can delivery their product super-quickly.)
– “Fortune”
• Protestors at the Republican convention in Cleveland OH were banned from carrying tennis balls but were allowed to openly carry guns. (Tonight in Philadelphia: no guns, balls allowed.)
– “Huffington Post”

BS CHRONOMETER 07.25.16

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1967 [49] Matt LeBlanc, Newton MA, TV personality (BBC’s “Top Gear” 2016)/TV actor (“Friends” 1994-2004)

1988 [28] Heather Marks, Calgary AB, fashion model (Calvin Klein, Givenchy, Marc Jacobs, Victoria’s Secret)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Hot Fudge Sundae Day”, an annual excuse to indulge in this decadent hot ‘n cold dessert.

• “Merry-Go-Round Day” (or “Carousel Day”), the anniversary of the mechanical carousel’s first patent 145 years ago (1871) by William Schneider of Davenport, Iowa. He did not invent it, however, as carousel rides may go back as far as 500 AD.

• “Wine and Cheese Day”. Oh all right … if we have to.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2014 [02] Bose files a lawsuit against Beats Electronics for violating various patents related to noise-cancellation technology

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2014 [02] Parody singer-songwriter Weird Al Yankovic’s 14th album, “Mandatory Fun”, becomes the 1st comedy act to hit #1 on the album chart in more than 50 years

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1978 [38] World’s 1st ‘Test Tube Baby’ is born (Louise Brown of Oldham UK, who has been conceived outside her mother’s body using the new technique of ‘in-vitro fertilization’)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2010 [06] WikiLeaks publishes more than 76,900 documents classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, likely the largest leak in military history

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Aunt & Uncles Day
[Tues] All Or Nothing Day
[Wed] Korean War Veterans Armistice Day
[Wed] Take Your Houseplants For a Walk Day
[Wed] Walk on Stilts Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Body Piercing Week / Moth Week / Single Working Women’s Week

BULL’S BITS

BEST OF BS:
Highlight bits culled from 23 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
EVENTS AT THE HIPSTER OLYMPICS:
• Horn-rimmed Glasses Hurling
• Best Vintage Moustache Design
• Skinny Jeans Tug-of-War
• Bobbing for Bubble Tea Pearls
• Guess the Value of Popular Electronics
– First published in “BS” 2012.

BS PEOPLE YOU FIND AT COMIC-CON:
• The ‘Inappropriately Ogling the Lone Woman’ guy.
• The ‘Hoping that His Costume Will Make Him an Internet Meme’ guy.
• The ‘Blogging This to a Blog that Nobody Reads’ guy.
• The ‘Overestimated How Many Red Bulls He Could Drink’ guy.
• The ‘Thinks He Knows More than the Expert Panelists but Makes the Audience Groan with His Inane Questions’ guy.
• The ‘I’m Never Doing This Again for Him’ girl.
• Disappointed hookers.
– First published in “BS” 2008.

BS BEFORE-THEY-WERE-STARS QUIZ:
• Classic rock singer Jon Bon Jovi once worked in a …
a) Burger King [CORRECT]
b) Hair salon.
c) Massage parlor.

• As a teenager “Jason Bourne” star Matt Damon earned extra money as a sidewalk …
a) Break-dancer. [CORRECT]
b) Mime.
c) Pickpocket.

• Before fame, “Star Trek’s” original ‘Captain Kirk’, William Shatner, made a living selling …
a) Used Furniture. [CORRECT]
b) Outdoor advertising for ‘Priceboard’.
c) Weed.

BS PHONE STARTER:
☎ What’s your top tip on how to get a day off work? (Cuz it’s Monday and we need it.)

BS RANDOM JOKE:
We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: Women do THIS more than men during their daily commute.
Answer: Drive on ‘Empty’.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
What we learn after we ‘know it all’ is what counts.

BS FRESH MEAT:
Kirby Gwen @ FM 98 WJLB Detroit MI; Dick Berman @ Spirit FM, Helsinki, Finland; Pam Cloud @ The Mix 105.1 [KXMX] Sallisaw OK; Maurice Abella @ Magic 89.1 [DXBE] Davao City, The Philippines; Danny Rizzo @ Washington Post Radio [WTLP] Braddock Heights MD; Brad Bregani @ 94.9 Bob FM, Savannah, Cayman Islands; and Egon Bartheld @ GVM Shiner TX.


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