Monday, July 27, 2015        Edition: #5503

Sheet For Brains!

★ Actress Gwyneth Paltrow has advised women to pee in the shower. That bizarre tip has been posted on her lifestyle website Goop to women hoping to strengthen their “pelvic floor” muscles following childbirth. The piece reads: ”Try peeing in the shower squatting down. When you squat to pee as opposed to sitting up straight on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally stretches and tones.” The 42-year-old also recommends having more sex, claiming it also tones the muscles while providing something “your partner will love”.
– Bang Showbiz
★ “Do the Bartman”, a 1991 comedy-rap about “The Simpsons” rumored to have been written by Michael Jackson, has been sold at auction to an anonymous bidder for $38,500. The song, which first appeared in a 1990 episode of the show entitled “The Simpsons Sing the Blues”, definitely features Jackson on backup vocals but his authorship of the ditty has never been proven. Credited songwriter Bryan Loren, who put the tune’s rights up for bid through a Royalty Exchange auction, claims he’s solely responsible for it.
– “The Telegraph”
★ Kanye West & Kim Kardashian West want to show off their $20-million Hidden Hills, California mansion in “Architectural Digest” after recently renovating it. Kanye reportedly thinks the house will influence young, hip, urban couples with families who want to re-decorate. The pair achieved their dream of appearing on the cover of “Vogue” in April 2014 shortly before they tied the knot in Florence, Italy and have now set their sights on its sister magazine, also published by Conde Nast. So don’t be surprised if Kanye asks Anna Wintour to make it happen. She’s the Artistic Director at Conde Nast in addition to being Editor-In-Chief of “Vogue”.’
★ And Brit movie director Guy Ritchie (“Sherlock Holmes”) is said to have a wedding guest list to rival the Oscars. The 46-year-old is set to wed his fiancé of 3 years, 33-year-old model Jacqui Ainsley, with whom he already has 3 children. On the guest list: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie, David & Victoria Beckham, and George & Amal Clooney among oodles of other celebs. The bash is scheduled for this week at Ritchie’s Ashcombe House estate in Wiltshire, where marquees are already being set up. The menu is being planned by celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. An insider says Guy is well liked in the biz so it’s no surprise so many are invited to the event.
– “Sunday Mirror”

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Juanes (“Loco de Amor”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Dave Hause (“Devour”).
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Lord Huron (“Strange Trails”).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The top 18 perform; 2 are sent home.
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Ashley Monroe (“The Blade”); Buddy Guy (“Rhythm & Blues”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Oldies group The Drifters.

• Blake Shelton – A new report suggests that he’s just requested that ex-wife Miranda Lambert to clear her exotic animals (camel, llama) from their (now his) Oklahoma ranch. Another report claims he was ready to quit “The Voice” to start a family, but she didn’t want to curb her career.
• Chris Young – One of the stars of his new “I’m Comin’ Over” video is a Dodge Challenger. HIS Dodge Challenger. He’s had an interest in refurbishing muscle cars since he was in high school.
• Drake – Quentin Miller, a relative newcomer to the biz, named as Drake’s ‘ghostwriter’ by rival rapper Meek Mill has denied the accusation. Quote: “I’m proud to say that we’ve collaborated … but I could never take credit for anything other than the few songs we worked on together.”
• Grateful Dead – “Billboard” reports their farewell concerts were the largest Pay-Per-View musical event ever. The 5-night live broadcast set a new record, with over 400,000 cable/satellite purchases and online streams. The concerts themselves grossed $55.2 million.
• Lana Del Rey – Actor and huge fan James Franco is writing a book about her called “Flip-Side: Real & Imaginary Conversations With Lana Del Rey”, due for publication in March 2016. The book is already available for pre-order on the Penguin Random House website.
• Little Mix – They’ve continued their reign atop the Official UK Single’s Chart, scoring their 2nd week at #1 with “Black Magic”.
• Madonna – Is she rehearsing for something new? Suddenly loads of musicians and dancers are reportedly being seen trooping into her London home.
• Prince – In a new interview with BBC 6 Music, his band 3rdEyeGirl reveals he’ll release a new album by the end of 2015. Titled “The Hit & Run Album”, it’s described as being aimed at “super hardcore Prince fans”.
• Rihanna – She and Brit Formula One racing driver Lewis Hamilton have reportedly been secretly dating. They were spotted together Saturday at NYC restaurant Da Silvano before heading out to a nightclub. Sources say they’ve been seeing one another for months.
• Vance Joy – His new single titled “Fire & The Flood” is included on a special new edition of his breakthrough 2014 debut album, “Dream Your Life Away”, which is now available.

A new study confirms that the type of music heard during shopping can affect how much customers are willing to pay. For the study, published in the “Journal of Retailing”, Australian scientists conducted a series of experiments in which participants listening to various types of music were asked how much they’d be prepared to spend on products ranging from everyday items to more luxurious goods such as perfume and jewelry. The results show that classical music makes cash registers ring in general, but country music loves a bargain. The psychologists have found that people are prepared to spend more on utilitarian items like toilet paper, light bulbs, and toothbrushes when listening to country. (And also, we’re betting, beer.)
– “The Times”

It’s safe to say almost everyone loves cheese (those who don’t shouldn’t be trusted), and the cheese you love most can reveal a lot about you …
• Blue Cheese: You consider yourself sophisticated, and seek complexity. You frequent obscure art galleries and there’s always an existential novel on your nightstand.
• Brie: You are sweet and pleasure-seeking, maybe even a little soft. You enjoy comfort and pampering yourself. Other indulgences include romantic movies and reruns of “Sex In the City”.
• Cheddar: You’re down-to-earth and prefer the classics. You believe every food staple is made better by cheddar, and are disappointed if it isn’t topping your burger, biscuits, or apple pie.
• Feta: Friends count on you to be the life of the party. You tweet one-liners and have created a Tinder profile just to mess with clueless suitors.
• Goat Cheese: You’re an old soul. You opt for a quiet night in over a blackout session on the town. Friends go to you for your sage advice and worldly wisdom.
• Gouda: You’re inflicted with wanderlust. You know what you like, and proudly consider yourself a beer connoisseur.
• Mozzarella: You’re easygoing and appreciate the joie de vivre. You live your life 110%, and this makes you a magnetic force to be reckoned with.
• Parmesan: You keep it simple in the best way. You don’t waste time over-complicating things, and this makes you approachable and quick to make friends.
• Swiss: You clearly don’t care at all about cheese.
– Condensed from

Think the odd all-nighter is harmless? Think again. A new study has found that going without sleep may have deeper implications for our bodies than previously thought. Researchers at Sweden’s Uppsala University have found that just one sleepless night can alter the genes that control the biological clocks in our bodies’ cells. Changes in the clock genes have been previously linked to obesity and type 2 diabetes. The study is bad news for shift workers like nurses. At this point, the researchers don’t know how long the impact of the gene alteration impact lasts. It could be that the changes are reset after one or two nights of good sleep. (Best advice in the meantime … get some Zs!)

✓ Aloe Vera – Just like it soothes a nasty sunburn, gel extracted from the aloe vera plant can work wonders on a poison ivy rash.
✓ Apple Cider Vinegar: With its many medicinal qualities, it’s no surprise it’s a popular home remedy. Soak a brown paper bag in the vinegar, then place it on the rash to draw out toxins.
✓ Baking Soda – A paste smeared on the skin may help draw toxins to the surface. Mix 3 teaspoons with 1 teaspoon of water and apply the paste to affected areas.
✓ Banana Peel: Rubbing the inside of a peel on poison ivy-affected skin can provide relief due to the peel’s cooling qualities. Watermelon rinds are another option some swear by.
✓ Cold Compresses – Apply them whenever the rash acts up, to tame the itchiness and prevent you from scratching. Sharp fingernails can open blisters to infection.
✓ Cucumber: Either place slices on the affected area, or mash it up to make a cucumber paste and apply it to the skin for soothing relief.
✓ Lemon Juice – The acid in the juice is a natural astringent, eliminating toxic oils. Apply it soon after contact with poison ivy, before the plant’s oil has time to fully get into your skin.
✓ Oatmeal Bath – Grind 1 cup oatmeal in a blender until it’s a fine powder, then add it to lukewarm water in your bathtub. Soak in it for 30 minutes.
✓ Rubbing Alcohol – Apply to affected areas immediately after contact. It prevents urushiol, the chemical responsible for the rash, from fully penetrating the skin.
✓ Water – Washing the affected body parts in cool running water (and soap if it’s handy) immediately after contact can help minimize the size and severity of the developing rash.
– Sourced from

Britain’s University of Essex has begun plans to build the world’s largest (by volume) and deepest swimming pool. The pool, measuring 50 meters long (164 ft) and 50 meters deep, would be used to simulate both outer space and deep sea environments. The university is working with Colchester-based company Blue Abyss to make the £40 million ($62 m) project a reality. (Let’s hope no one drops their goggles in the deep end.)

Male gamers who harass women online tend to be, literally, losers.
– “Washington Post”


1972 [43] Maya Rudolph, Gainesville FL, movie actress (“Bridesmaids”, “Grown Ups” films)/TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” 2000-07, 2012, 2015)

1973 [42] Abe Cunningham, Long Beach CA, alt-rock drummer (Deftones-“Tempest”, “Change”)

1975 [40] Alex Rodriguez (‘A-Rod’), NYC, MLB baseball player (NY Yankees)/14-time All-Star/3-time AL MVP/2014 season suspension for doping

1977 [38] Jonathan Rhys Meyers (O’Keeffe), Dublin, Ireland, TV actor (“Dracula” 2013-14, “The Tudors” 2007-10)/movie actor (“Mission: Impossible III”, “Bend It Like Beckham”)

1984 [31] Taylor Schilling, Boston MA, TV actress (‘Piper Chapman’ on “Orange Is the New Black” since 2013)

• “Korean War Veterans Armistice Day”, commemorating the 1953 negotiated cease-fire that ended the war on the Korean peninsula. During the 3 years of fierce struggle, over 600,000 Allied lives were lost.

• “Take Your Houseplants For a Walk Day”, to help them get to know their real environment.

• “Walk on Stilts Day”, celebrating the feat most often seen in parades and at the circus. Stilt-walking is an ancient art that only requires a pair of stout sticks and lots of practice. (And maybe some extra butt padding in case you take a tumble.)

1940 [75] Cartoon character ‘Bugs Bunny’ 1st appears in the comedy short “A Wild Hare”

2003 [12] Legendary comedian, movie actor, and TV host Bob Hope dies at age 100 at his home in Toluca Lake, California

2006 [09] The company behind online file-sharing service Kazaa agrees to pay record labels over $115 million in damages for music piracy

2012 [03] Opening ceremony of the 2012 Summer Olympics at Olympic Stadium in London UK

[Tues] Milk Chocolate Day
[Tues] World Hepatitis Day
[Wed] Microsoft Windows 10 release
[Wed] Lasagna Day
[Thurs] Father-In-Law Day
[Thurs] Chili Dog Day

Fancy Rat & Mouse Week / World Footbag (Hackeysack) Week


Highlight bits culled from 22 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
● You’re in your late 40s and the most money you’ve made so far is by selling Amway out of your parents’ basement.
● What you refer to as ‘investing in additional resources to better solidify your corporate infrastructure’, most people would call ‘finding a new cardboard box for your lemonade stand’.
● Your 2-cent raise at the Nike factory has doubled your net income.
● Your most recent hostile takeover involved standing behind elephants holding a shovel.
● The first word in your job description is ‘Sanitation’, and the second is ‘Engineer’.
● You slept your way to the top of a pyramid scheme.
● Two words: Rodeo Clown.
– First published in “BS” 1998.

• The car behind that blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing the street.
• The person behind you in the supermarket who runs his cart into the back of your ankles.
• Not realizing you’ve stepped in dog poop until after you walk across your living room rug.
• People who ask you, “Can I ask you a question?”
• That dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• That vehicle riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
• Discovering a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth … 3 hours and 3 meetings after lunch.
• Whenever you need a retail salesperson, you can’t find one.
• You can never put anything back in the box the way it came.
• Reaching under the table to pick something off the floor and smashing your head on the way up.
• Your eyeglasses sliding off your ears whenever you perspire.
(And what’s eating you today?)
– First published in “BS” 2005.

☎ If you could re-name yourself for a single day, what would you call yourself?

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

Question: The price of THESE normally changes around 70 times before selling out.
Answer: Airline tickets.

All people smile in the same language.

Nate Darmanin @ Vibe FM Valletta, Malta; Mel Little @ 104.1 Territory FM Darwin, Australia; Dave Andrews @ Kool Kat Oldies 1380 [WDLW] Oberlin OH; Lili Dhanapala @ Soul 106-3 [WSRB] Chicago IL; Ryan Jacobs @ B-105 [WUBE] Cincinnati OH; Don Gibbon @ CFGN 1230 Port aux Basques NL; Nancy Jones @ Classic Rock & Talk KRMA Kent OH; and Phill Marshalsea @ MassDAB Coventry UK.

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