Monday, July 20, 2015        Edition: #5498

Why Not Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning?

★ The official Twitter feed of the “Star Wars” movie franchise has blasted Amy Schumer’s new “GQ” magazine photos as ‘inappropriate’ and ‘in poor taste’. The 34-year-old comedian has posed for a sexy photoshoot which includes a naked pic of her in bed with robots ‘R2-D2’ and ‘C-3PO’. Another image shows her dancing with storm troopers, and the cover features Amy suggestively sucking on ‘C-3PO’s finger. The photospread was not approved by Disney-owned Lucasfilm. (All of this hoopla does nothing but help her new movie “Trainwreck”.)
– Bang Showbiz
★ “Fight Club” is reportedly coming to the stage as a rock opera. The author of the book behind the cult film, Chuck Palahniuk, has confirmed a musical version of the story is in the pipeline. It’s thought that Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor is working on the project with the movie’s director David Fincher. They’ve collaborated on soundtracks for previous Fincher films, including “Gone Girl”, “The Social Network” and “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”. (What should the showstopping song in “Fight Club” be? “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”?)
★ An estimated 25,000 girls aged 8-to-12 have shown up at London’s ExCeL Conference Centre to audition for the ‘Harry Potter’ spin-off film “Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them”. The line-up, estimated to be a mile-long, is all about landing the role of ‘Modesty’, described as ‘a haunted young girl with an inner strength’. Set 70 years before ‘Harry Potter’, “Fantastic Beasts” features a whole new cast of characters led by Oscar-winner Eddie Redmayne as ‘Newt Scamander’. The movie begins shooting in August. It’s due for release November 18, 2016. (Has JK Rowling hit another home run or are we just getting leftovers?)
– “Evening Standard”
★ And “Fuller House”, the upcoming Netflix reboot of classic sitcom “Full House” (1987-95), has officially begun production with the cast’s first table read. The 13-episode series is expected to hit the streaming service next year, beginning with an hour-long reunion special. The Netflix series features many of the original stars, including Candace Cameron-Bure (‘DJ’); Dave Coulier (‘Joey Gladstone’); and Jodie Sweetin (‘Stephanie’). Producer John Stamos is also set to guest star (‘Uncle Jesse’), as will original cast members Bob Saget (‘Danny Tanner’) and Lori Loughlin (‘Rebecca’). (If you watched it at age 15, you’re 35-to-45 now.)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Broods (“Evergreen”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tori Kelly (“Unbreakable Smile”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Holy Wave (“Relax”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/M3) – Cody Simpson (“Free”).
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – David Lovering (The Pixies).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Jill Scott (“Woman”, out Friday).
• “The Real” (syndicated) – Method Man (Wu-Tang Clan). Rerun.
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Adam Lambert (“The Original High”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Giorgio Moroder (“Déjà Vu”).

• Blake Shelton – He’s revealed that he underwent a Lasik procedure to improve his vision last week. Has anyone ever seen him wear eyeglasses?
• Canaan Smith – During the week in which “Billboard” is recalibrating its charts to accommodate the new worldwide release day for albums (Fridays instead of Tuesdays), he’s scored his first #1 on the ‘Country Airplay’ chart with “Love You Like That”.
• Easton Corbin – He remains atop the ‘Billboard Country Albums’ chart this week with “About to Get Real”.
• Florida Georgia Line – Tyler Hubbard is Instagramming his way through his first few weeks as a married man, including poolside shots of his honeymoon with new wife Hayley Stommel in the Turks & Caicos.
• Katy Perry – Her epic (and over-the-top) Super Bowl 49 halftime show has been Emmy-nominated for ‘Outstanding Short-Format Live-Action Entertainment Program’.
• Lil Wayne – Cash Money records has now sued Jay Z’s Tidal for $50 million over the “Free Weezy Album”, claiming the label has exclusive rights to all of Weezy’s music. The label calls the move “a desperate and illegal attempt to save their struggling streaming service”.
• Nicki Minaj – Tonight she plays the Bayfront Park Amphitheater Concert Series in Miami FL as part of her “Pinkprint” tour.
• Pitbull – He’s the latest celeb vowing to steer clear of Trump Hotels in the wake of Donald Trump’s inflammatory remarks about Mexican immigrants. He also suggests that Trump needs to, quote, “Watch out for El Chapo” (escaped head of the Sinaloa drug cartel).
• Sam Smith – His Friday night performance at Forecastle Festival in Louisville KY was interrupted by major thunderstorms and the audience was eventually evacuated in the face of high winds and heavy rain. He was 35 minutes into his set when the performance was cut short.

The chance of returning to a normal weight after becoming obese is only 1-in-210 for men and 1-in-124 for women over the period of a year, new research suggests. A team from King’s College London is calling for wider-reaching public health policies to prevent people becoming obese in the first place. They say current strategies that focus on cutting calories and boosting physical activity simply aren’t helping most patients to achieve and maintain weight-loss. On the upside, the figures for losing 5% of body-weight are more encouraging. 1-in-12 men and 1-in-10 women have managed this over a year, although most regain the weight within 5 years. Over a third of the adults studied go though cycles of weight-loss and weight-gain. (In more positive news … new vacuum nozzle to the navel procedure looks promising!)
– “The Independent”

New research from California Institute of Technology suggests that mosquitoes track down something to chew on using a sequence of 3 cues … smell, then sight, and finally heat. Biologists have made that discovery by recording the movement of hungry female mosquitoes inside a wind tunnel. The results …
• From distances of 10-50 meters (approx 30-160 feet) mosquitoes are attracted by smell, particularly a plume of CO2 (such as human breath) or body odor.
• When already aroused by smell, they head for something visually interesting (ie: a high-contrast shirt). This has a range of 5-15 meters (15-50 feet).
• Once within 1 meter (about 3 feet) of a potential target, they zero in on body heat.
(Summing up: If you’re a heavy breather with B-O and wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you’re lunch!)

Junk email or ‘spam’ has declined to a 12-year low, according to security firm Symantec. An analysis of recent email scanned has found that less than 50% of the billions of messages monitored by Symantec are spam, the lowest percentage since 2003. The tail-off suggests that cyber-thieves are now looking at other ways to make money. Symantec suggests that legal action against criminal organizations that generate spam, and takedowns of botnet networks (hijacked computers) have helped to cut junk. However, Symantec warns, the fall in spam has been offset by a rise in the amount of malware being distributed. Malware (malicious software) is used to steal info or spy on computer users without their knowledge. (BS translation: They have to scare you with something or they’ll be out of business.)
– BBC Technology

A poll of undertakers asks what their favorite funeral songs are. Say goodbye to traditional dirges and bagpipe renditions of “Amazing Grace”; these are fresh takes on bidding farewell in a unique way …
1. “Satisfied Mind” – Jeff Buckley
2. “Blower’s Daughter” – Damien Rice
3. “You Can Close Your Eyes” – James Taylor
4. “Tears in Heaven” – Eric Clapton
5. “Feels Like Home” – Chantal Kreviazuk
6. “Asleep” – The Smiths
7. “Keg On My Coffin” – The Push Stars
8. “Dropkick Me Jesus” – Bobby Bare
9. Roll Me Up And Smoke Me When I Die – Willie Nelson
10. “Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox (If I Die)” – Joe Diffie
(And what tune would you pick for ‘last call’?)

Argentinian soccer superstar Lionel Messi, who plays for Barcelona, has a collection of cellphones …  thousands of them.


1947 [68] Carlos Santana, Autlan de Navarro, Mexico, guitarist/pop-rock musician (“Game of Love”, “Smooth”)

1964 [51] Chris Cornell, Seattle WA, rock singer (Soundgarden-“Black Hole Sun”, ex-Audioslave-“Be Yourself”)

1966 [49] Stone Gossard, Seattle WA, rock guitarist (Pearl Jam-“The Fixer”, “World Wide Suicide”)

1971 [44] Sandra Oh, Nepean ON, TV actress (“Grey’s Anatomy” 2005-14)/movie actress (“Under the Tuscan Sun”, “Sideways”)

1980 [35] Gisele Bundchen, Horizontina, Brazil, highest-paid model in the world since 2004/wed to NFL quarterback Tom Brady (New England Patriots) since 2009

1980 [35] Mike Kennerty, Stillwater OK, rock guitarist (All-American Rejects-“Gives You Hell”, “Dirty Little Secret”)

1988 [27] Julianne Hough, Sandy UT, movie actress (“Rock of Ages”, “Footloose”)/country singer (“That Song In My Head”)/dancer (2-time “Dancing With the Stars” winner)

• “Cleat Dancing Day”, a day to see how much fun it is – if any – to tap dance while wearing baseball cleats.

• “International Cake Day”, initiated in 2011 by something known as the ‘Kingdom of Love’. This sweet Summer holiday is dedicated to friendship and peace. The 2015 motto is “I cake you”.

• “International Chess Day”, an annual observance since 1966 honoring the game that generates challenge, intellectual stimulation, and enjoyment for people of all ages.

• “Lollipop Day”, celebrating the 1908 invention of the famous candy on a stick. Pieces of hard candy were put on the ends of pencils for kids to nibble much earlier than that, but the treat had no name. So here’s to lollipops!

• “Moon Day”, the anniversary of the 1st lunar landing in 1969. Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first to walk on the Moon as nearly 700 million TV viewers tuned in. Edwin ‘Buzz’ Aldrin joined him later, while Michael Collinsremained orbiting above. A few things you likely didn’t know about the lunar landing …

• “Ugly Truck Day”. Sure a brand new, shiny truck with all the gadgets working is a great thing, but an old ugly truck is something to cherish with pride! Or maybe that’s just a guy thing?

2012 [03] “The Dark Knight Rises” opens in movie theaters (in Aurora CO a gunman opens fire while it’s showing, killing 12 moviegoers and injuring 70 others)

1975 [40] Steven Van Zandt makes his 1st appearance in concert with Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

2005 [10] Canada becomes the 4th country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage (after Netherlands, Belgium, and Spain)

2006 ]09] German student Torsten Lauschmann claims to have organized a record 600 million people in the Western Hemisphere to jump simultaneously on “World Jump Day” in order to reset the Earth’s orbit and fix global warming (turns out to be a hoax ‘art installation’)

[Tues] “Knock Knock Live” premieres (FOX)
[Tues] No Pet Store Puppies Day
[Wed] “Home Free” debuts (FOX)
[Wed] “Last Comic Standing” season debut (NBC)
[Wed] “Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!” airs (Syfy)
[Wed] Alternative Press Music Awards (Cleveland OH)

Captive Nations Week / Everybody Deserves a Massage Week / Independent Retailers Week / Moth Week / Restless Leg Syndrome Awareness Week / Parenting Gifted Children Week / Zookeeper Week


Highlight bits culled from 22 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
● Inability to predict upcoming traffic light color.
● You subsist entirely on a diet of accidentally swallowed gum.
● Have to call an electrician every morning to turn off alarm.
● People wearing “I’m With Stupid” T-shirts always asking to walk beside you.
● You get a letter saying you’ve been approved for a VISA Platinum Dumb Guy card.
● Every time someone tells a knock-knock joke, you get up to answer the door.
– First published in “BS” 1998.

• When you can see the outline of his underwear through the ‘Bat Suit’.
• After a dramatic entrance at the scene of crime, having to convince everybody he’s not a professional wrestler.
• Punks who gather around and smart off while he’s getting gas for the ‘Batmobile’.
• The nuclear power source for his utility belt has rendered him sterile.
• Really stupid people who shout out, “Hey!  Where’s Tonto?”
• When the dry cleaner accidentally switches the Batman cowl with the Deadmau5 head.
• When people call him ‘The Batman’. It’s just ‘Batman’, dammit!
– First published in “BS” 2012.

‘Twinkle Tush’ is a jewel you hang from your cat’s tail. Add some bling to your cat’s butt and watch her strut her stuff.

Angela Merkel arrives at Athens airport. “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer. “German,” she replies. “Occupation?” “No, just here for a few days.”

☎ So … tell us about the time you caught your parents having sex.

Question: It’s estimated that one of THESE gets broken every 14 seconds.
Answer: A pair of sunglasses.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

Matthew Taylor @ 91.5 The Impulse [WWLR] Lyndon State College, Lyndonville VT; Sarah Freeman @ Oldies 93 [WNBY] Newberry MI; Ronnie Perez @ Hit Radio 100 [KOKU] Hagatna, Guam; Bob Collins @ Easy 105.9 [WEZV] Myrtle Beach SC; Matt MacLeod @ Hot 105.5 [CKQK] Charlottetown PEI; Kelly McCain @ Shine 99.9 [KSHN] Liberty TX; and Jason Gunn @ More FM Christchurch NZ.

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