Tuesday, July 3, 2012        Edition: #4778

It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

Resurrected TV drama “Dallas” (1978-91) has been confirmed for a 2nd season on TNT after the recycled show’s comeback has proven a ratings hit (this time around, the “Who Shot JR?” episode will involve Botox) . . . Former “That’s 70s Show” castmates Ashton Kutcher & Mila Kunis have further fueled romance rumors with another dinner date in LA, during which an onlooker noticed Mila constantly running her hands through Ashton’s hair (grooming for bugs?) . . . Katie Holmes reportedly refused Tom Cruise’s pleas to wait 6 months before announcing their split-up (he needed the time for reprogramming) . . . Meantime, TMZ is reporting the marriage’s final straw was whether to send 6-year-old Suri away to Sea Org, described as a military-style boot-camp where children go without parents to learn about Scientology (creepy!) . . . Now that “Magic Mike” has opened, filmmaker Steven Soderbergh says he may switch to TV productions as he’s increasingly disillusioned with movie audiences’ limited appetite for complex narratives and characterization (how to bite the hand, dude) . . . “The Amazing Spider-Man” has stormed Asian markets ahead of today’s North American release, raking in $50.2 (surpassing the figures of “The Avengers” earlier this year) . . . “Us Weekly” reports actor Johnny Depp is dating his 26-year-old “Rum Diaries” co-star Amber Heard, who’s openly bisexual (ah, the reason Vanessa Paradis said adieu!) . . . And  a celebrity boxing promoter is offering feuding recording stars Chris Brown and Drake $1 million each and another $1 million to charity if they take their grudge into the ring and fight it out mano-a-mano (not likely – Drake’s a noted mommy’s boy with the not-so-scary first name ‘Aubrey’ and, as we know, Brown only hits girls).


• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – will.i.am performs (“#willpower”, out September 24th); “Zarkana” by Cirque du Soleil performs; 4 acts advance to the next round.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Tim McGraw (“Emotional Traffic”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Waka Flocka Flame (“Triple F Life: Fans, Friends & Family”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – White Denim (“D”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – John Mayer (“Born & Raised”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – will.i.am & Eva Simons sing “This Is Love”, currently #1 in England.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Lisa Marie Presley (“Storm & Grace”). Rerun.


• Asia – Today they release “XXX”. All 4 original members are back for the album, which celebrates the 30th anniversary of the group.
• Bee Gees – Barry Gibb, the last surviving member, says he’s planning to return to the stage solo and will continue to perform Bee Gees’ songs. He lost his bandmate brothers Robin in May and Maurice in 2003, as well as his other sibling Andy in 1988.
• Chris Brown – His new album “Fortune” is out today after a long delay. It’s the follow-up to last year’s “Fame”. A deluxe version includes additional tracks and a ‘collectable cover’.
• Death Cab For Cutie – Tonight they commence a Summer tour in Cleveland, Ohio that runs through August 22nd in Honolulu, Hawaii.
• 50 Cent – His new album, “Five (Murder By Numbers)”, is finally out today. He worked on the project for 3 years, ever since the 2009 release “Before I Self Destruct”.
• Flo Rida – Today he releases his 4th album, “Wild Ones”, which he says is inspired by his travels around-the-world. Tonight Flo Rida, Cee Lo Green, and BoB kick off their 9-city “R You On the List” tour in Miami, Florida.
• Katy Perry – She’s been everywhere promoting her movie “Katy Perry: Part Of Me” (opening Thursday). Now she’s taking a break, telling MTV News: “I’m gonna unplug, take my hair extensions out, feel my head again. I want to go and write songs in the woods or something.”
• Taylor Swift – Following the success of her debut perfume Wonderstruck last year, she’s set to release a follow-up scent, Wonderstruck Enchanted, described as ‘wild berries and sugar-glazed petals wrapped in a touch of sensuality’. It hits department stores in September.


“The Amazing Spider-Man” ( PG-13 Action Adventure ): With Sam Raimi’s trilogy now history, director Marc Webb takes on the story of the web-slinger’s origins, promising ‘fresh twists’. His first foe is ‘The Lizard’, alter ego of the former business partner of ‘Peter Parker’s late father. Stars Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans. A sequel to this reboot is already planned.
NET: http://www.theamazingspiderman.com


• “God Bless America” ( R-Rated Crime Comedy ) – A loveless, jobless, and possibly terminally ill man decides to assassinate the stupidest, cruelest, and most repellent members of society with an unusual accomplice … a 16-year-old girl who shares his sense of rage. Written & directed by stand-up comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Stars Joel Murray, Tara Lynne Barr.
• “The Hunter” ( R-Rated Thriller) – Willem Dafoe stars in this story of a skilled and ruthless mercenary sent into the Tasmanian wilderness on a hunt for a tiger thought to be extinct. Hired by an anonymous company that wants the tiger’s genetic material, he poses as a scientist. But personal relationships serve to complicate his mission. Co-stars Sam Neill, Frances O’Connor.
• Also released today: “Dynasty: Season 6” (Vintage TV); “Mannix: The 7th Season” (Vintage TV); “Streets of San Francisco: Season 3” (Vintage TV); and “The Women of SNL” (TV Compilation).


Actual proposals that are in development …
• “Guinness World Records Gone Wild” – Looking for people with absurd pain tolerance, competitive eaters and burpers, and those with a talent for sticking large objects up their nose.
• “My Tattoo From Hell” – They aren’t paying anything but, hey, you get your tat changed or removed for free … and just think of all that potential network exposure.
• “Screaming Moms” – A new docu-series that has been requesting ‘out-of-control, fire-breathing ‘Momzillas’ whose constant screaming and nagging has turned the family home into a war zone.
• “Secret Lives” – Seeks real folks with something sordid to hide, ie: a secret witch, a secret transsexual, a secret vigilante, a secret desire to be on reality TV, etc.
– Condensed from QMI Agency


• Changsha, China – A soccer-obsessed 26-year-old Chinese man has reportedly been found dead by his mother after staying up 11 successive nights to watch “Euro 2012” matches. The time difference between Europe and China meant that most matches started at 2:45 am local time, finishing at daybreak. (By comparison, it only took half-a-game for Italy’s Azzurri to die.)
– Telegraph.co.uk
• Chicago, Illinois – Windy City taxi passengers now have to pay … to puke. Starting July 1st, cabbies are now allowed to add a special ‘upchuck charge’ to the fares of customers who vomit while riding in the backseat, presumably after a night out on the toddlin’ town. In case you’re wondering … it’s 50 bucks per barf. ($20 extra if you’ve been drinking Purple Jesuses.)
– Topsy.com
• Haifa, Israel – In what some are calling a macabre contest, 300 women aged 74-to-97 have vied for the title of … ‘Miss Holocaust Survivor’. Organizers say the event is meant to be a celebration of life and contestants are chosen more for their personal stories than for their looks. (If this was a skit on “Saturday Night Live”, there’d be massive protests.)
– BBC News
• St Petersburg, Florida – A local lawyer has asked a US district judge for time off from a murder trial in order to participate as a semi-finalist in Key West’s annual ‘Hemingway Look-alike Contest’ on July 20th. The judge has denied the motion, wishing the attorney best of luck … in next year’s contest. (So much for the importance of being Ernest.)
– HuffingtonPost.com


Brainiacs at Rice University have debuted a spray-on lithium ion battery that they say could be applied to nearly any surface. You heard right … a paintable battery. The paint contains layers, each representing a necessary component of a conventional battery – current collectors, a cathode, an anode, and a polymer separator. Spraying the painted battery is a multilayer process, but when you’re done, you have a covered surface that stores energy and discharges it when needed … that is, a battery. (Now when you buy your kids toys, the box will say ‘Paint Not Included’.)
– CNET.com

A new survey finds that 80 million Americans, or 36% of the population, believe UFOs are real.
1-in-10 respondents claims to have personally witnessed an alien spaceship. And if aliens were to invade the country some time in the next 4 years, 65% of survey respondents say president Barrack Obama would be better suited for handling the invasion than Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. (At last, a meaningful issue for the lackluster presidential campaign!)
– LifesLittleMysteries.com


Michigan’s Office of Highway Safety Planning has distributed 400 special urinal cakes (which are costing the state $21-a-pop) to 200 eateries for the July 4th holiday. This is what the cakes say when you pee on them: “Listen up. That’s right, I’m talking to you. Had a few drinks? Maybe a few too many? Then do yourself and everyone else a favor: Call a sober friend or a cab. Oh, and don’t forget to wash your hands.” The company that makes the cakes, Wizmark (of course that’s their name), bills itself as the ‘only company in the world to produce interactive urinal cakes’. (Apparently women don’t drink.)
– “Detroit News”


You enjoyed one too many wine coolers while chillaxing down by the quarry, and you fell asleep in the sun. Now the outer layer of your skin stings when the wind blows, and putting on your shirt makes your skin feel prickly. Here’s what you do …
✓ Cool the burn by running it under cold water for 5 or so minutes.
✓ Apply petroleum jelly to keep the skin moist; you can also use a product like lidocaine or Burn RX to remove the sting and keep the skin nourished.
✓ Apply aloe vera lotion a few times a day until it heals.
– ModernMan.com


An Australian company has unveiled what it says is the ‘World’s Most Expensive Bottle of Wine’. The 2004 Kalimna Block 42 Cabernet Sauvignon costs $168,000 and comes in a special futuristic sealed container. Only a dozen ‘ampules’ will be sold. When a buyer wants to drink the wine, the firm will send a senior winemaker anywhere in the world to open the container.
– NYPost.com


The city council in Cologne, Germany has just officially pardoned 38 witches burned at the stake … in the 1600s. (Seems it was all a ‘mis-stake’.)
– DigitalJournal.com


1962 [50] Tom Cruise (Thomas Mapother IV ), Syracuse NY, movie star (“Rock of Ages”, “Mission Impossible” films)/wed to actress Katie Holmes (2006-12)/wed to Nicole Kidman (1990-2001)

1962 [50] Thomas Gibson, Charleston SC, TV actor (‘Aaron Hotchner’ on “Criminal Minds” since 2005)

1964 [48] Yeardley Smith, Paris, France, TV voice actress (‘Lisa Simpson’ on “The Simpsons” since 1989)

1969 [43] Kevin Hearn, Grimsby ON, pop musician (Barenaked Ladies-“Pinch Me”, “One Week”)

1971 [41] Julian Assange, Townsville, Australia, journalist/publisher/activist/founder of WikiLeaks  BS FACTOID: Since June 19th, he’s been living at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, where he’s requested political asylum.

1980 [31] Olivia Munn, Oklahoma City OK, movie actress (“Magic Mike”, “Iron Man 2”)/TV actress (‘Sloan’ on “The Newsroom” 2012, “The Daily Show” 2010-11)


• “Buck Moon”, the full moon of July, so-named for the season when buck deer develop new antlers. It’s variously known as “Hay Moon”, “Thunder Moon”, and “Wort Moon”.

• “Compliment Your Mirror Day”. Participation consists of complimenting your mirror on having such a wonderful owner and keeping track of whether other mirrors you meet during the day smile at you. (This is much more fun if you have a prescription for medicinal marijuana.)

• “Dog Days of Summer” through August 11th, traditionally the hottest 40 days of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. The name comes from the ancients, who would sacrifice a brown dog at this time to appease Sirius, the Dog Star, believing that star was the cause of the hot, sultry weather. “Air Conditioning Appreciation Days” run simultaneously, and today is also “Stay Out Of the Sun Day”.


2007 [05] Action-adventure “Transformers” opens in movie theaters, starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, and Josh Duhamel (eventually cleans up over $700 million in worldwide box office)


2002 [10] Elton John becomes the 1st performer to be granted an honorary doctorate from England’s Royal Academy of Music


1988 [24] Rocky Kenover sets world record by skydiving 403 times within 24 hours, averaging  1 jump every 3 minutes using 7 planes, 10 pilots, and 50 parachute packers


[Wed] Independence Day (USA)
[Thurs] Bikini Day
[Fri] “Savages” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] “American Idol Summer Tour” begins (Detroit)
[Fri] International Kissing Day
[Fri] Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day
This Week Is … Canned Luncheon Meat Week
This Month Is … Tahiti Awareness Month


• That 7-foot mouse you saw wasn’t at a theme park.
• Every time you go swimming you end up with barnacles in your shorts.
• You’re staying at a resort billed as ‘The Cancun of Lake Erie’.
• Instead of giving you time off, your boss institutes ‘Take Your Speedo to Work’ day.
• The amusement park ticket booth gives you a senior citizen discount and you’re only 37.
• Lifeguards keep trying to push you back into the ocean thinking that you’re a beached whale.
• You put your bikini on backwards and it fits better.
• You’re spending 168 consecutive hours with your in-laws.


Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.


☎ What unusual item goes on your burger? According to a recent poll, the top 5 items are …
1. Tomato (70%)
2. Bacon (64%)
3. [TIE] Onion/Mustard (51%)
4. Cheese (40%)
5. Mayonnaise (34%)


Question: About a third of parents say THIS is their least favorite thing about having kids.
Answer: Vacationing with them.


The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

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